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It hit me like a sledgehammer to the chest...
Brian
Detroit, MI Moderator
I can't be sure what made it happen. No single thing in my life right now really stands out as being a huge obvious catalyst to what happened to me....
On finding a way to forgive
On finding a way to forgive
3
Comments
True character.
Whatever you need going forward, ask of it, and I'll do what I can to help.
I had a very destructive experience during the time I was not on this board - and it took time. That is the only answer. We can quote all the sutras in the world but the heart actually has to heal.
You are blessed dear friend.
Regards
Kris
Perhaps your naturally open heart and knowing which path you were eventually going to have to take were part of the healing process. If so, you have nothing left in this world to fear.
Peace and joy to you, dear friend.
And this has been one of the most valuable things I've taken from this whole ordeal.
And in my own life I've found the same ..... but it does take some time to get over the initial "worst case scenario" :eek:
Palzang
"Time is a great healer".
I don't believe this to be accurate.
I think all time does, is pass.
There are many, many people 'out there' who harbour any kind of pain you'd care to mention, and most certainly do not ever 'get over it' no matter how much time they have.
I think it might be more accurate to say that we ourselves are our own best medics, because ultimately, it is either a conscious effort with will and determination, to let go, or we (as you have, dearest Brian) experience a staggeringly meaningful, sudden, instant Epiphany, which as you so accurately state, hits us in the chest like a demolition ball.
The thing is, you felt this way (horribly depressed, angry, bitter, and full of spite. I’ve had many terrible thoughts about her boyfriend, I’ve contemplated murder, suicide, and everything in between.), but I'd be willing to bet that as you felt that way, a lot of the time you were aware that you shouldn't have been feeling that way. Something inside you nagged at you, and chastised you for what you were experiencing.....
Suddenly, you were faced with a choice. Keep lapping it up, or spit it out.
You made the right one.
I wish I could hug you, right now.
Welcome back to the land of the living.
I live daily seeing my ex squander my child support on her house or clothes while my son gets everything on his body from Value Village or Goodwill. He's 13 and still sleeps in the bed I made him when he was two.
And he's becoming used to it. He excuses her behavior.
She's ruined me for thousands of dollars and for years of relationship that I could have had with my son for simple spite. She's attacked me in court as being impotent, gay, a child molester and having affairs with all the secretaries at work - as a matter of public record - she's physically attacked the wife of my friend and assaulted her in church.
I usually don't think about her - but when I do - I hate her. I truly and completely hate it.
And I don't think very highly of myself for doing so. I constantly come back to these words:
"He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred.
"He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who do not harbor such thoughts still their hatred.
I know this yet still can't completely get over it. I try to find compassion in my life for this person, but my anger towards her just sits under the surface.
You are truly a better person than I am.
I'm glad things are turning around for you.
-bf
Palzang
I didn't mean to sound like I am going through all of this torment right now - I was actually commending Brian on him being able to do something I haven't been able to do for over a decade.
I didn't mean to sound like I go through this torment on a daily basis, I actually don't. I hardy think about my ex or my life with her or my life afterwards. It mostly just hits when my son comes over upset or embarassed about something she's done to him.
I don't want to be my ex's friend. Ever. I really believe she is a bad, petty and malicious person. I have no desire to incorporate traits like that into my life. I did for ten years and it sucks the happiness out of you - I've been divorced for 8 years and, as bad as it's been, I have found so much more peace eing away from her - even going through all of this crap
-bf
Palzang
-bf
Yo, BF!!
:thumbsup: :wavey:
I have offered today's practice for you, for your continuing well-being, for your son and, above all, for your pain.
I am sure that I am not alone in counting myself blessed to know honeat people like you.
Yeah, but I'm allergic to penicillin!
Palzang
I feel like I'm hijacking Brian's thread. He's the man showing us how to come through some of life's struggles. I applaud him.
Hi , Freddy.
Thanks, Simon. Sometimes you say the nicest things. Too bad you live so far away or I'd take you out, get some drinks and get HAMMERED with you.
Well, you know, metaphorically speaking of course.
-bf
Letting it go only comes when it comes - it's like practicing an instrument - eventually it will click but as long as it doesn't the discord and frustration are awful.
We are all here if you need to chat or rant - that's what friends are for.
Actually, I really do quite well - unless there is a confrontation OR I hear (like last night) about my son having to deal with 3 hours of her bi-polar ranting and angst.
I have a feeling she is going to come back as a dung beetle. She seems comfortable slinging it - maybe she'll enjoy rolling it.
-bf
BF, just remember, I know _exactly_ how you feel.
Bipolar? Is she on medication? Because if she isn't (and believe me I know) she shouldn't be left in charge of children. Explains quite a lot of what you have told us about her behaviour though!
I'm not perfect. I still have a lot of anger towards her boyfriend. He is intentionally cruel to me and the fact that he is partially responsible for raising my children really grates on my heart. While I've forgiven her, I've not forgiven him or his taunts, his mockery, or his bullying. I've still got a long road ahead of me.
-bf
-bf
He advised us to shun the company of fools.
I'll find a link, but I gotta go to work, and someone else might beat me to it....
friends with our xs.. why for?
friendlyyyy maybe .. when it is consulting our kids
but i feel there is no reason to continue a relationship with them
after the fact. i carry mindful goodwil towards mine,
and hey if your dating or have another partner i feel its nasty
to "be friends" with your x. there is NO reason.
hate or of the like is hard to drop.. when it involves the our kids
for ourselves.. well.. there is no victim.. only volunteers. so i say
take responsiblity for our reasons for hookup with them in the
first place.. we chose them.. for reasons of growth etc.
but ya ..wen our kids are abused, neglected or down right rejected
by them.. thats a tough pill to swallow.
yet somehow i look at it like.. well now its part of my kids journey
that they chose.. like they chose us to begin with..
so i gently tried to remind myself of that..
warm hugs to brian and bf..
Colleen mentioned "mindful goodwill" towards ex'es. I find the mindful part of that pretty telling. We have to work hard and focus to have goodwill towards some people. I know there are certain people I have pushed out of my life because I've judged it to just be too damn hard to be compassionate to them. I still wish them well, but if I have to see them/talk to them, I can't help but be harsh. I like to tell myself it's honesty. ;-)
Anyway, there are some people with whom it is best we do work to practice compassion. Ex'es who are still in our children's lives definitely qualify. And yet, que dificil! It'll be a long road, as you've said, Bri, but you will feel so much better (most of the time) for walking it. And your kids who already adore you for good reason will benefit greatly from your choices. I think that's the most important part.
I also wanted to suggest (maybe I've already mentioned this on here) that everyone check out Randy Pausch's last lecture. You can watch it on You Tube. One of the things he mentions is that no one is pure evil. "If you wait long enough, they will show you their good side. You can't make them do it in a hurry, but you can be patient."
You know we love you!
Just remember the Buddha taught about Karma being the justice served. Some members on this forum were unfairly treated (and banned), so in your case, you deserved it.
SG
And more to the point - who are you to say who deserves what?
I see you felt the need to lash out. How sad, because by doing so you have brought what kind of Karma to your own plate?
I guess the wild salmon wasn't free of toxins after all.
While I appreciate your input, there are several reasons why I think you are completely oversimplifying the concept of cause & effect.
But first, some logic: The 'unfair treatment' is your opinion. From my perspective, it was fair.
Second, the time line is different. Whatever you think I 'deserved' happened before the 'unfair treatment' so... you are way off base.
Paladin
Time, and a great deal of positive effort from the both of us, have turned a hateful and harmful relationship into a positive one. I know our boys (now age 15 and 13) appreciate it, that's for sure.
I post this because I know people will read my story and relate to it. Hatred is a terrible, dark, and powerful thing. It took over my entire life, and only through effort was I able to return to happiness and forgiveness.
I am inspired to forgive someone . . . m m m . . .
Buddha you ran from wife and child to court wisdom.
I forgive you
Very inspired and pleased for you Brian. Bravo.
So, we are taught that we are not allowed to have resentments and we have ways of dealing with them built into the 12 Step process. We put the resentment down on paper; the name of the person/organisation/principle, we then write what they did to us. Then we write how that made us feel; how it affected us. Was it our pride, our finances, etc (in your situation it would affect everything no doubt); and then the next bit is the tough bit... we look for OUR PART in the situation. And there will always be a part we played; even if we were sexually abused as children (we obviously were not at fault then), but our part is in how we let it affect us now. In cases of infidelity - when that happened to me - my part was that I drank too much, wasn't always a good person, I wasn't there emotionally, and I pushed the other person away. But normally, prior to A.A., I wouldn't look to my part; my thinking would stop at the 'how did that make me feel?', and then I'd think "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr", because it would not occur to me that I had any fault in the matter.
Then the really tough bit (Step 9 which is synonymous with Tonglen practise 'giving victory to our enemies'), we take responsibility for any harm we've caused and we go to the person we harmed/resented, and we make a sincere amend, if it won't cause any further harm. Normally this is done formally, face-to-face; and once the formal amend is done, then the life-long amend - the real amend - is made; we don't repeat that negative behaviour.
I would also suggest before any amend is ever made, that we speak to someone who we trust about it first; just in case we're a little off-beam. We don't want to end up having to make amends for amends that we've handled wrongly.
I've probably simplified a whole host of good advice for dealing with resentments, but I can say - having been through this process - it's very powerful, it doesn't mean being a doormat, there's freedom from resentments/the past, and we don't have to live with the hurt.
It also has not been my experience that mindfulness or meditation can't resolve problems like the suffering of resentments; I've tried, believe me, because I always try the easier softer way first. I mean it's tough to meditate or be mindful when you've a mind full of resentment/hurt/anger/insert negative mental affliction.
This process isn't for the faint-hearted; I baulked at some of my amends; but with the help and gentle guidance from my A.A. sponsor, I've done all the tough ones to the best of my ability. This process changed my concept of self from being to being someone very different from the drunk I was when I first came to A.A.
When the Buddha teaches that there is no fixed and permanent self, I understand what he means (to some extent).
I have not gone through it but I have been a child of parents who did. When I was 15 my parents divorced, because my dad was cheating. My mom threw his stuff on the lawn and kicked him out. It was a really long road for them both. That was in...1991. Just recently, they are friendly. They are both remarried and happy (my dad still with the woman he cheated with) and everyone has happy and healthy relationships. My parents attend events together (most recently my sister's college graduation and we even went to dinner together with the new spouses). In the end, it's easy to see that it really was the best thing for everyone involved. My parents never should have married in the first place. The marriage was an escape for my mother from her alcoholic parents. She was 17 and still in HS when they married. It took a long time to repair the relationship with my father, but it was worth the time and effort. He took 80% of our family income with him and paid hardly nothing in child support (per an agreement they came up with, for some reason). It was a long road, but both of my parents have come a long way, and I don't think either of them would be the people they are, and truly amazing grandparents to my sons, if they hadn't gone through what they did.
I'm glad that you are on friendly terms, as it really does make a huge difference to kids to not feel like they have to, or are, choosing one parent over another, and I'm glad you are on cordial terms with your wife's boyfriend/husband. I hope you are happy, and thanks again for sharing, it was amazing to read.
Great story.