Fixing Versus Accepting

waking

Hi, NewBuddhists,
A topic I've been thinking about a lot relates to the degree to which I (or anyone) should be trying to improve our lives versus accepting what is here. So much how we Westerners spend our time is fiddling with our lives; getting more of what we want and getting less of what we don't like. As I understand it, Buddhism suggests that most of these activities are futile and only increase our suffering in the long run. The vast majority of our suffering, say 95%, comes from not accepting our lives as they are and trying to change rather than accept the world as it is. However, there are also times in our lives when there is something that may be keeping us from being happy --a toxic job, an unhappy relationship. How do we identify what are the times that we actually do need to fix problems in our lives rather than just accepting them?


Be Well,
Ben

federica

We should surrender to Impermanence, without abandoning Awareness or Mindfulness.

Jason

Ben,

waking wrote: »

A topic I've been thinking about a lot relates to the degree to which I (or anyone) should be trying to improve our lives versus accepting what is here. So much how we Westerners spend our time is fiddling with our lives; getting more of what we want and getting less of what we don't like. As I understand it, Buddhism suggests that most of these activities are futile and only increase our suffering in the long run. The vast majority of our suffering, say 95%, comes from not accepting our lives as they are and trying to change rather than accept the world as it is. However, there are also times in our lives when there is something that may be keeping us from being happy --a toxic job, an unhappy relationship. How do we identify what are the times that we actually do need to fix problems in our lives rather than just accepting them?

The times that we need to fix problems are the times that we can do something to fix them. There are certainly things in life that we are unable to change, and it would be futile for us to try and change things we have no control over, but the Buddha's focus was on what we can change. This not only includes changing our internal circumstances in the form of developing skillful mental qualities and abandoning unskillful mental qualities, but our external circumstances (e.g., admirable friendship, right livelihood, etc.) as well. Nevertheless, the Buddha did stress the importance of working on our internal circumstances, especially in regard to understanding the four noble truths, i.e., suffering, the cause of suffering, the cessation of suffering and the way leading to the cessation of suffering. So, if things can be changed, change them; if not, then accept them.

Jason

Jerbear

"God (or insert whatever you may think of), grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" is a good basis. Known as the serenity prayer, it tells me to look and examine the situation and determine if I can fix it or not. If one can fix it, than do so. If you can't, then leave it be. In regards to those "toxic" things in our world, we have to decide for ourselves what is toxic.

When I first got sober many a moon ago, I had to stay away from people who were drinking, period. Then later, I could get around people who could drink socially, and not drunks. Now, I don't care if anyone is drinking as I am okay with my diet Dew in my hand. I needed the help of g.o.d. (good orderly direction) to do so in the form of friends and sponsors in AA. Now the idea of getting drunk or having a drink is distasteful to me. But I had to learn first it was toxic and then move on from there. Though hard to believe when I think about it, I've remained sober for 19 years now and that path still works for me.

waking

Thanks so much for all of your thoughtful responses. I agree with everything everyone has said. In my own experience, Buddhism has taught me:

1. While it's important to fix things in my life, when I have a problem that seems to require fixing, it often turns out to resolve itself over time without my intervention or turns out not to have been a problem in the first place.

2. Much suffering comes from feeling that we need to fix things or from our efforts to fix them.

3. Sometimes the last part of the serenity prayer, having the wisdom to distinguish between what can (or should) and can't (or shouldn't) be fixed can be pretty challenging. Settling the mind, through meditation or other means, can be an important tool for being able to tap into that wisdom.

Warmly,
Ben

Simonthepilgrim

It is a hard lesson to learn, particularly in our "fixing" culture, but I find that meditation on wuwei has shown me that direct action is not always skillful.