Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
I have some questions. Need help.
I'm definitely new, in fact I haven't really even started anything yet. Two days ago was the first time I really looked into Buddhism at all. Basically what I need is a change and I could never get behind religions. Buddhism doesn't seem to me like so much of a religion as it is a helpful way to live life. I want that. Even if I don't reach enlightenment in my lifetime, the quality of life even being on that path seems something worth striving for. I have been meditating for a few months, but I'm not really getting where I want to get. I'm having a few problems with addictions, mostly like cigarettes and sex. I've been off of drugs for two years, and I haven't drank in a few weeks, which I don't crave it even after months, so it's not an addiction yet. I have a huge problem with guilt. That's probably my largest problem, as it brings anger and things with it. I'm guilty for all the addictions and the things I've done and it gives me anxiety and makes me angry at people, for example, I used to hide drugs and liquor all around the house and people that didn't know I had a problem would get too close and get their heads bitten off for seemingly no reason. Now I don't hide those things and the house is clean, I still get like that around those ex hiding spots. I need some help.
0
Comments
I am an alcoholic, have mental health problems and understand exactly where you are coming from. Firstly, before giving you any advice on Buddhism (there are people on this board far more qualified to do that) let me give you a few friendly words about your problems.
I feel very strongly that you would benefit from a councellor - a therapist or someone to whom you could unburden yourself with no risk or criticism or tittle tattling. Someone who could give you closure.
Your first port of call should be your general practitioner. Ask them to refer you to a therapist or organisation that could help. Anger and guilt are all part of addiction and that is an illness, just as much as diabetes or arthritis - you have it for life and you need to treat it for life.
For my own part, I had to accept when I stopped drinking that "that was then, this is now" and forgive myself. Not easy but the only way forward. Just as you wouldn't blame a sick dog for biting you when you tried to help it, you can't blame an addict for lashing out in their own misery. Be nice to yourself and you might find it easier to be nice to others.
Just my 2c worth and I hope it helps as it is offered in love.
While all addictions have similar symptoms, the treatment and causes can be different and there might be something in your past that is bringing out these feelings in you which need to be addressed before you can move on.
Palzang
I'll cut to the chase.
Please try to turn your guilt into remorse.
Guilt is a dreadfully heavy rock to carry around all day.
In fact, it's also likened to a heavy stick we keep beating ourselves with. It hurts, so much so, that we tend to focus on the pain it gives us, rather than the stick (circumstances) themselves.
With remorse we say to ourselves -
"Yup. I did that. What a buffoon! What a foolish child! Good grief, that was a daft thing to do!" But then, we move on.
WE forgive ourselves for having stumbled, but the great thing about tripping up, is that we can get up again.
Particularly when friends (er.... that would be us!) are on hand to grab your elbow and help you up, brush you down, and walk with you.
Guilt trips, you don't get up from so easily, because you're exhausted from the sheer beating and weight of it all.....
Remorse - you remove the object, and let it go.
If you but knew the monumental cock-ups everyone here has committed in the past, you may look more kindly on your own stumbles.
Anger too, is a great big road-block, coloured red.
Every time you feel anger arise, and you feel like admonishing yourself, Laugh.
Really, laugh out loud at how foolish and fruitless such anger is.
Where does it get you?
Nowhere.
What does it do for you?
Nothing.
This emotion was just about the only thing the Buddha said it was OK to 'Kill' (being a pacifist, everything else was off-limits!)
Chill, honey.
Life's more fun with a grin on your face!!
KnitWitch and Federica gave some good advice, forgive yourself. What if this were your best friend we were referring to? What advice would you give them? And of course you could forgive them couldn't you? So why should you not forgive yourself? You are equally as worthy.
Good luck, hand around here, you'll find lots of support!
Ben
No advice - I've given too much over the years. Only this: look around you: we are all survivors, clinging to the wreckage, but we have survived. So many of us have lived with addiction, depression, psychosis, divorce, acne and nits - and we are still here. Many of us have struggled to install a practice of well-being, meditation and benevolence. It wasn't always easy. Often we failed and stumbled. Each time, we who have survived have found that little crumb of courage or sheer pig-headedness to get up and limp on.
Don't let anyone tell you that "the struggle naught availeth" (yes! advice!). The struggle is what it's all about!
As a fellow seeker, WELCOME! I also find the Buddha's teachings to help live a sane life. There are somethings that are taught that I don't get. I keep it simple as to keep it to meditating and trying to put into practice what I've found useful. The Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold path make a lot of sense when you think about them.
As a fellow worrier/anxiety/depressive with alcoholic/addict (sober 19 years), I understand how guilt can eat you up. One thing I did was seek professional help. I felt guilty about everything, and I needed a lot of help sorting out what was my problem and what wasn't my problem. I went from Atlas holding up the world to being able to say "No, I will not take this on, guilt and other things that people may try to put on me".
I remember a cigarette lighter a friend of mine had that was poignant on the subject. "SCREW GUILT". Quitting smoking is hard but it is doable. Just celebrated 4 years nicotine free and it has been the best thing I can do for myself in a long time, except for hanging out with these cool people at NewBuddhist.com. Someone much wiser than me suggested to keep trying no matter what. So you meditation time isn't going the way you want, having a hard time with giving up cigarettes, and sex is a problem? You get today to work on it and nothing more. Do the best you can today and let yesterday and tomorrow take care of itself.
Feel free to post anytime.
Welcome to the board. I hope you find it as helpful and comforting as I have.
There's nothing I can add to the fine advice you've already received so I'll just say it's lovely to meet you and I'm glad you've joined our little sangha. Sending you deep wishes for peace and joy today and everyday.
Your new friend,
Boo
Welcome on board thewayshemoves. Some first rate advice above, so I've not much to add. Just to say that I figure we are all "addicted" to various things in various ways. I think it's an aspect of our condition.
Watch how it unfolds, like a neutral observer, and you'll notice a pattern emerging. It's what Buddha called 'habitual thought' - same thing again and again. Feeling guilty will only muddy the water and prevent you from observing the process.
Eventually you come to see that you don't have to be in the process, or own it.
Go easy on yourself though.
Regards
Kris