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Hit rock bottom; how to get back on the path?
Hi everybody. It's been literally at least 3 years since I've been here; sorry about the prolonged absence. Normally I'm a person of exceptional literary skill, but I have admit that my articulatory prowess is rather... lacking, at the moment. I seem to be having a lot of trouble thinking lately; severely lacking both mental and physical energy.
The truth is, I fell off the Buddhist (and spiritual) path a few years ago and my life has steadily degraded ever since. I'm 24 years old and am going nowhere in life. I live on constant pain all over my body due to a spinal condition I've had for 7 years, but my doctor refuses to treat it with an adequate dose of painkillers (oxycontins, perceocets, and celebrex). She even admits that I'm taking a "Sub-therapeutic" dose, but refuses to EVER increase it.
I'm currently living with my parents, sadly, making a meager income on disability. I've tried going to school, getting some kind of a job that's not physically demanding, but I just couldn't do it. I always ended up dropping out because the pain of simply existing has become too much, let alone actually attending classes or doing something so strenuous as taking a bus. Which is a shame, because my aptitude in academics surpasses probably 90% of the population. I don't say that with pride - in fact my high intellect has left me feeling remarkably isolated and miserable. I think I'd be much happier if my mind were simpler.
As it stands, I have no job, no friends, no relationships, no future, no relief. On top of all the physical pain, depression, and never-ending repetitious bouts of anxiety; I feel horribly lonely and isolated, yet overwhelmingly terrified of expressing myself intimately. I desperately want to have an intimate relationship with someone who understands me and can intellectually challenge me; but at the same time, I'd have a panic attack over the immediate prospect of actually expressing those types of feelings for someone.
I won't drag this out any further; I greatly appreciate the time anybody may have taken to actually read through all this. I'm just hoping somebody can tell me how to get back on the path to happiness, and how to start living by the Buddha's teachings again. I've tried. I have tried very very hard to live by this principle, but no matter what I do I seem to be emotionally collapsing at an exponential rate. Sometimes when the physical pain gets really bad, It feels like my mind is going to break under the weight and I'll completely lose my sanity. I keep trying to be more positive, keep trying to think the right way, but my mind is just falling apart anyways.
I just want this suffering to stop. It's getting to be far more than I can manage, and I'm afraid I might end up killing myself. What do I do?
(EDIT: I wish I could change that stupid name I picked years ago, when I was stupid and immature and thought it was amusing.)
The truth is, I fell off the Buddhist (and spiritual) path a few years ago and my life has steadily degraded ever since. I'm 24 years old and am going nowhere in life. I live on constant pain all over my body due to a spinal condition I've had for 7 years, but my doctor refuses to treat it with an adequate dose of painkillers (oxycontins, perceocets, and celebrex). She even admits that I'm taking a "Sub-therapeutic" dose, but refuses to EVER increase it.
I'm currently living with my parents, sadly, making a meager income on disability. I've tried going to school, getting some kind of a job that's not physically demanding, but I just couldn't do it. I always ended up dropping out because the pain of simply existing has become too much, let alone actually attending classes or doing something so strenuous as taking a bus. Which is a shame, because my aptitude in academics surpasses probably 90% of the population. I don't say that with pride - in fact my high intellect has left me feeling remarkably isolated and miserable. I think I'd be much happier if my mind were simpler.
As it stands, I have no job, no friends, no relationships, no future, no relief. On top of all the physical pain, depression, and never-ending repetitious bouts of anxiety; I feel horribly lonely and isolated, yet overwhelmingly terrified of expressing myself intimately. I desperately want to have an intimate relationship with someone who understands me and can intellectually challenge me; but at the same time, I'd have a panic attack over the immediate prospect of actually expressing those types of feelings for someone.
I won't drag this out any further; I greatly appreciate the time anybody may have taken to actually read through all this. I'm just hoping somebody can tell me how to get back on the path to happiness, and how to start living by the Buddha's teachings again. I've tried. I have tried very very hard to live by this principle, but no matter what I do I seem to be emotionally collapsing at an exponential rate. Sometimes when the physical pain gets really bad, It feels like my mind is going to break under the weight and I'll completely lose my sanity. I keep trying to be more positive, keep trying to think the right way, but my mind is just falling apart anyways.
I just want this suffering to stop. It's getting to be far more than I can manage, and I'm afraid I might end up killing myself. What do I do?
(EDIT: I wish I could change that stupid name I picked years ago, when I was stupid and immature and thought it was amusing.)
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Comments
Hey, it's good to see you again; although I definitely wish it were under better circumstances. I really wish that I had some good advice for you. I always struggle with finding something useful to say when a person is going through such suffering, but to be honest, I never really know what to say.
I can certain relate with some of what you've said, though. While I'm fortunate in that I don't have to experience the incredible amount of physical pain and discomfort you're forced to go through everyday (Brigid might be able to give some advice here), I have experienced feeling remarkably isolated and miserable due to my intellect (or lack thereof). See this thread for one example: My confession; a crisis of faith. And then there's this, which I also wrote last year:
I have found, to both my happiness and dismay, that there are a great deal of similarities between the man in the mousehole and I. (I must confess that I have recently been reading Dostoyevsky's Notes From Underground, and I find it to be the most beautiful and terrifying thing I have ever read precisely because it speaks to me in a way that no other piece of literature has ever spoken to me before.) As perverted as the "Underground Man's" view of happiness is, I too have always thought that knowledge and intelligence are the keys to happiness—the more intelligent we are, the more answers we will have; the more answers we have, the happier we will be.
But, much to my dismay, I have found that this assumption has not proven to be true. I have since found that my intelligence, if you wish to even call it that, paralyzes me and makes me content and miserable all at the same time; I am content, for example, in my knowledge, my self-awareness if you will, that sets me apart from the fool who acts without thinking, and yet that thinking more often than not prevents me from acting at all! This unforeseen type of self-analysis that is eating away at my sanity, I can see it so clearly: I am as cowardly as I am courageous; I am as ignorant as I am intelligent, et cetera.
In reality, this thing that I loathe to call my intelligence simply alienates me even further from the rest of society; and even though I am quite an unsociable person by nature, I still get lonely and crave the kind of companionship that the Buddha called "admirable friendship." As I try to understand why my life is turning out the way that it is, I realize that I am doing so through the eyes of a man in a mousehole. In fact, that is how I see the whole world. For good or for ill, it is the only perspective that I have ever known without ever knowing it until now.
Perhaps this "man in a mousehole" phase will pass in time and I will see things from a different perspective, but for now this is something that I must accept. While I am no stranger to having others reject me or write me off, to having others not understand me, to being seen by others as nothing more than an eccentric anomaly that is tragically out of place, I am finding that it is becoming too much for me to bear. It is painful and humiliating and absolutely maddening. To be quite frank, I am at the point where I want to just drop everything because for whatever reason, it is seemingly becoming more and more apparent to me that any kind of traditional beliefs or values are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless.
In my own mind, I am superior — I have become like Nietzsche's "Übermensch," an extraordinary individual transcending the limits of mankind — and yet, in reality, I am only superior in my apathy—I have become like Nietzsche's "letzte Mensch," a weak-willed individual who is tired of life, takes no risks and seeks only comfort and security.
As for the rest, I've experienced it all as well. I've had no job, no friends, no relationship, no future and no relief (mentally at least). I too went through depression and bouts of anxiety (and still do to some extent); and even now, with a few friends and a relationship, I still feel horribly lonely and isolated at times. It's hard to overcome, that's for sure.
I can't tell you how to be happy as I'm not completely happy myself, but I can tell you that you've gotten back on the path to happiness already just by seeking it. That's how I started pulling myself back together, by seeking a path to happiness even though I didn't think one really existed. I just took it one day at a time. It's hard when you don't see any progress right away, but it all builds up. Trust me. One day I just realized that I was happier than I was before. I couldn't even tell you what I did because I never noticed anything changing.
All I know is that I tried to be kind and compassionate whenever I could. Even when people were mean or rude, or bugs annoyed me and bit me, I tried to be as kind as my naturally negative disposition would let me. I did my best to be honest, and correct myself whenever I lied or exaggerated. I pushed myself to be generous with my time and money, even if it was a handful of change or stopping to talk to somebody I really didn't like talking to. I attempted to be mindful whenever I could remember that I was supposed to be being mindful, and I just did the best I could. And slowly but surely, things changed for the better.
I guess my advice is to be patient, practice and when you need some extra help, reach out to a friend, a family member or a professional counselor. I've had to lean on a lot of people in my life, even anonymous people on the internet. I wish I could give you something more concrete, something that would make a tangible difference in your life right now, but I unfortunately I can't. And for that I'm sorry.
Jason
(P.S. I'm sure that Brian or Matt can change your name if you want. I've been thinking about changing mine, too. I thought it was amusing at the time, but now it just seems silly. It's got a nice ring to it, though.)
Before we start, I can change your name if you'd like. Send me a PM to what you want it to be.
I struggle with staying on the path. I've also been absent for three years from this site. That said, I can't imagine having the added burden of physical pain on top of everything else. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I'll leave it to others to give you advice. I believe there are people on here who can empathize with you, including people who have also gone through physical maladies that cause severe pain.
All I can say is that life is worth living. I won't be the one to judge one person's pain against another's, but know that other people have gone through some shit here. Sometimes it helps just to know that.
Thanks Brian .
I am sorry to hear it.
You are not alone, even though it feels like it. You are not abandoned, even when it feels like it.
I wish you the best.
May your path be safe. Namaste.
As you see, we have some inkling of what you are experiencing and our heart goes out to you. You are not alone nor without people who feel benevolent towards you - although at a distance.
Advice is not much use, I know. Having lived with depression, on and off, for decades and with a fair amount of loss and physical problems, I have discovered that what works for me is...... perseverance. Persevering in a practice that seems pointless and futile, resulting in nothing, and hard on body and mind. Because, after all the persevering, there comes a moment, unexpected and unbidden, when peace descends, when all the struggling stops and the silence begins.
So, if I were to give a single piece of advice, it would be this: chose a practice, and stick to practising it, against all the discouragement and apparent meaninglessness.
After all, it couldn't make things worse, now could it?
If you give me your permission, by PM if you prefer, I would like to add you to my daily 'prayer' list.
As for your back, is there some reason you can't change doctors? Have you tried, as Jinzang suggested, alternative treatments, like acupuncture? If the treatment you're getting isn't working, what have you got to lose by trying something else?
So hang in there and do your best. That's really all you can ever do. Giving up won't solve the problem, it'll only make it worse.
Palzang
You've got in one Mr-D.
What you are wishing for is to lay down the suffering which weighs on both your body and your mind. Regarding the physical pain, I would suggest trying other channels, doctors etc. as medical opinions can massively vary and there can be all kinds of treatments 'out there' of which your doctor is unaware. Please hunt around and don't give up.
As regards the mental pain, I can only suggest what Buddha would have suggested, which is to cultivate Jhana - calm tranquility through meditation. It's not a magic wand but it will work with persistence. It works because you are releasing the mental tension which binds you to your self-identification and ultimate ownership of your suffering and ego.
"Stress and its release".
Movement through Jhana does occur and it can happen with a simple breathing meditation, sitting on a seat, relaxed and with your back straight. You don't need full-lotus or anything tough. Just awareness (not gripping focus) on the breath.
If you are interested, I'll give you more information. Most on-line Buddhists are solitary practitioners (that's why we're on-line I guess). Not even my closest family know that I meditate or have a clue, let alone any interest, in Buddhism, that's just the way it is.
The main thing is, to attack your situation on as many fronts as you can. Meditation can be a part of the answer but proper medical assistance should also be sought.
Namaste
Kris
In dealing with your pain one thing you can learn to do is to relax your muscles. When you suffer from chronic pain your muscles remain tense. Even a little relaxation can be helpful. Has your doctor given you a reason why she has chosen a sub therepeutic course of pain medication? Perhaps you could get her to arrange a visit to a pain clinic. I know that spinal pain is very real and often hard to treat. You might want to visit neurotalk.com. Many of the posters there have experience with long term pain.
Though I am a long time practitioner and may have helpful advice, I think you would be best served by available medical help first. I speak to you from the heart for I also have spent lots of time in the House of Agony---.
grackle
With regard to getting back on the path, the most important part of the path is meditation. What comes up when you sit down to meditate.
Have you considered changing doctors, to find someone who will manage your pain more aggressively? There are clinics which specialize in this.
First, have you looked into holistic treatments for your pain?
Second, are you connected to any kind of group that meets one or more times a week for spiritual strength?
Third, I go to a jacuzzi at a hotel nearby once a week to relax and revitalize my body. I also sometimes just take a hot bath with healing herbs or salts. I dont know what your condirtion is, but could maybe suggest something since I have been studying holsitic healing for years now.
Also, I have found a lot of meditation videos online that have helped me deal with grief lately.
Here's one for pain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-hfSuaql9k
I'm so very glad you made the decision to come back here and tell us how you're feeling and how things are going for you. I think the responses you've received so far are excellent.
It sounds like you're getting to the bottom of your rope. I rarely use the phrase "I know how you feel" because it's so often untrue but in your case I actually do have some insight into your frustration and despair. I don't know if you remember me but I think we talked back when you first came here. I have a permanent back injury with chronic pain too, as well as a pretty severe panic disorder and a few other issues, some of which stem from the chronic pain itself.
The first thing I want to tell you is that you're being heard and understood and you're suffering is not going unnoticed or uncared for. We're listening and I, for one, will continue to do so for as long as you'd like to talk. I care about you and I care about the way you feel. I don't need to know you to care about you. All I need is to hear your cry for help.
The second thing I want to tell you is that there are two very good reasons to take suicide off the list of possibilities. First, for all we know, if we kill ourselves we might very well have to come back and experience everything all over again until we get it right which means we're just prolonging our suffering, not ending it. The second reason is what it will do to all the people who have known you in your life. I can truly attest to this because my sister committed suicide by deliberately drinking herself to death a year and a half ago and the pain and suffering this caused all of us is absolutely brutal.
So please take suicide off the table completely and vow to yourself that you will endure what you're going through until it changes for the better. There are real and concrete steps to take to make things change for the better.
As others have said, your medical assistance is inadequate and you need to get a second opinion regarding your condition and pain management. I know how utterly demoralizing constant pain can be and I know you're probably just keeping your head above water at the moment. But you have to push yourself to get better medical help. Make an appointment with your doctor and ask her for a referral so you can get a second opinion.
Again, as others have said, meditation is a practice that will be hugely beneficial for you. In fact, before I came to Buddhism it was my Jewish doctor who insisted I start a meditation practice because of its benefits for those who suffer from chronic pain. He wasn't just whistling Dixie. He was right and I can't even imagine how I'd be enduring the pain and everything else that goes along with it if I wasn't meditating regularly. I can't stress this enough. Start a regular practice right now. Just do it. Don't think about it. Don't give yourself time to talk yourself out of it. Just get off the computer and sit. Watch your breath. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath. Do it for as long as you can and then do it again tomorrow.
I'm going to think about your post some more and come back when I have more time and something more cogent to say. In the meantime, endure. You don't have to be happy or at peace. You just have to stay alive. Relief may be just around the corner.
To clarify one issue: I respectively state that I don't need any advice about what to do with doctors, specialists, the medical system and all that jazz. I've seen every specialist under the sun, sought literally at least 25 second opinions from doctors, tried every alternative healing modality available to me, and continue to learn anything and everything biology and medicine related. Ultimately, I've concluded that overcoming this illness will only be possible by mastering my own mind, and clarifying my perception of reality.
I'll definitely be returning here to offer a more comprehensive and enlightening discussion later, but right now I need to take some time (and isolation) to figure out who and what I am. I do feel that I'm undergoing a pretty radical change right now - and I believe this will be for the better if I direct that energy carefully on the right path - but right now I'll have to focus very carefully on how I'm to go about that transformation, as I feel that right now I could climb off this rock ledge onto the solid ground above, or just as easily slip on that climb and tumble to my death.
I genuinely mean this when I say I appreciate each and every one of your responses - all of you - but I would also like to especially thank Brigid and FoibleFull. I mean this in no way to lessen the importance or quality of the responses from the rest of you; only that Brigid and FoibleFull struck a certain unique emotional cord with me. Anyway... thanks to all of you, and peace be upon you.
I am sincerely sorry I never saw this thread sooner - being preoccupied as I have been with my own issues that really do pale in comparison. Your post has really touched me.
I can imagine you have indeed sought out every possible medical opinion and theory on what must be a confusing, upsetting, frustrating, isolating, horrid health problem.
Have you tried psychotherapy? I train in an integrative method that aims for synthesis between the mind, body and spiritual dimensions of the person. This is psychosynthesis.
I will even stick my neck out and say that uncovering repressed emotions and thoughts can lead to physical healing. You mention panic attacks at the prospect of meeting someone and loneliness, isolation stemming from your being bright etc. These could all be taken care of by a good, experienced practitioner.
Also, I want to say that you shouldn't be hard on yourself. Several times in your posts you say you are not normally like this. That's understandable, you're in a period of change, resistance, hurt and desperation.
I hope you will take my post the right way and not as though I'm teaching you how to suck eggs as they say. I have never lived with a condition that caused constant physical pain and have absolutely no idea what it must be like.
Maybe from here you'll start sitting again and carrying out your duties with attention, right concentration and kindness.
Don't force it. It'll come and mostly because you clearly want it to.
~nomad
remember that all things change. if you stay on the rollercoaster you will have the ups and downs. buddhism will bring the rollercoaster to a halt, but it may take time and great effort - it may be very hard - it sounds like it already is for you.
I believe that life can be taken as a series of lessons. I have had hardship as well, much of it. In fact, if I did not believe in rebirth, I would say that my life has been horribly unfair - almost to the point of absurdity.
But I do believe in rebirth, and I do believe in what Buddha taught. It makes sense to me. And I have made great strides dealing with suffering, and improving my relationship with my own experiences and the world.
Do not kill yourself, it won't set you free. The voice or feelings that tell you that things are that bad are just one part of you - and they are wrong. Things are only so bad in relation to the view you have constructed of your place in the world.
Understand that life is precious, even if you can't believe it right now, just absorb these words. Your life is precious, and no amount of physical or mental pain changes it - you will eventually come to understand that all your problems are not real - you will eventually be free.
I have great empathy for you, I see honesty in what you say.
I, myself, have gone through great suffering and every time I think I have reached a point where I am past that sort of thing, but then I discover I was very wrong. However I have made great strides and each test I face is easier than the last, as my understanding grows.
Let me tell you some about myself - and how similar we are. And then let me tell you how the path will help you.
I, too, am 24 years old. I have never had a girlfriend, I have never had sex, I have never even kissed a girl. This is mostly of my choosing.
I am currently in debt. I am living with my family. By society's standards, I have failed at every stage in my life.
Despite this, I am a very intelligent critical thinker. I am creative, kind, virtuous, and I have a good sense of humor(I think!).
I have had challenges in my life that led to great suffering - I have been alone for almost all of it. And looking back, I am glad. I am so much wiser and capable because of my experiences. You will be too.
You already have so much understanding that most people your age do not. Be good, to yourself and others. You will get through your challenges. Your problems are all made by your own ego - I am not saying by choice - but they are. And when you fully discover this you will be free from them.
My aunt suffers from "mental illness". I call it spiritual awakening. Everyone else calls it the crazies. But I can identify with her, and I am here living with her, teaching her, helping her. It makes me feel very good that my own suffering can help others in this way.
It will be the same for you, eventually. Just be determined and develop the right qualities.
If you are interested in what I say, I would love to help you more - or at least try. But I would have to know more about you. You can pm me if you want.
It may be hard to believe - but I truly care about you. Deeply. It doesn't matter what you look like or where you live - I know that you are a real person and you go through experiences just like me - just like any of us. So I really do want the best for you.
Remember that what your mind tells you is not necessarily a good thing to listen to. The mind decieves. Try to view it objectively, filter out what you don't want - but don't ignore it. Just take what it tells you with a grain of salt.
anyways I guess I am rambling on, but I just want to help you with your suffering. there really are clear ways to deal with it, with an eventual end and total freedom.
if you can't bring yourself to read and follow the suttas, I or others are here to help you on your path. best wishes
I'd say you've pretty much succeeded at every stage on the path!
~nomad
The best advice I can give is hardly rooted in any medical or psychological background on my part, as I have none. But I will just offer my two cents anyway.
You may be justified in saying that you are a victim, whether you are a victim of circumstance or what have you. But at the same time, who isn't a victim in some way or another? We all suffer the same human conditions, separated only by matters of degree. People on this board might say that there is dukkha.
Now, you can call yourself a victim, but that doesn't mean you have to live like a victim. Nothing good will come of feeling like you are some poor, helpless victim in the face of implacable forces.
I am convinced that our moods, feelings, and general level of happiness are all dependent on our own thoughts. It's all mental. Abraham Lincoln once said something like, "We could all be happy, if only we chose to be." Or something to that extent.
Just a thought.