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A life of voluntary isolation. A release from craving, or the ultimate aversion?
It is perhaps the core of the Buddha's teachings: that suffering is ultimately caused by craving (which includes clinging), and aversion.
(Note: I use the term "relationships" to refer to social interaction in general; not in the romantic sense).
I've reached a point in my life where social isolation is my ultimate goal. I want nothing more than to figure out a way to live by myself with no friends, no relationships, no social obligations, none of the inevitable unbearable pain that comes from inter-personal relationships. I'm 24 years old and have wrought nothing but horrible pain and heartache from relationships.
My last closest friend betrayed me like all the others. She became my best friend in the world, we shared everything, I say without hyperbole that I loved her deeply without any romantic connotations attached. But after about a year of being so close to one-another, she began to push me away like all the others. We eventually had the inevitable string of emotionally-charged fights about it - about how I could go from being someone so important to her, to someone so worthless and unimportant that she would act completely indifferent to my feelings and the pain she imparted by tossing me aside like worthless garbage - and now I can confidently say that we'll never be speaking to one-another ever again.
But this is nothing more than the inevitable result of all my relationships. I've had many close friends before her, friends with whom we cared deeply for one-another, and they always end up pushing me away and feeling totally indifferent to me. They always seem like deep and loyal people at the time, but then I turn into the most worthless piece of crap in their eyes, and dealing with me being upset at their tossing me aside is seen as nothing more than a pain-in-the-ass inconvenience that they want to do away with as soon as possible.
I've never done anything mean to them or anything to wrong them; they simply get sick of me - and because I never technically do anything to warrant an immediate break up, they instead do everything possible to quietly push me away and act like I'm a worthless pest.
I'm a virgin, I've never been kissed, never experienced physical intimacy of any kind. No female ever shows interest in me, and every single time I've shown interest in them I get a string of excuses like "oh you're such a nice guy, and so intelligent, I know you'll find somebody... just not me. Definitely not me."
My endless longing for companionship - both friendships and intimacy - have brought nothing but pain and rejection. I'm very nice and very considerate to women, but I've learned that this is the biggest turn-off possible. I'm very loyal and committed to my friends, but I always want to talk about intellectually-challenging topics; and they grow to hate that, because they want a normal friend who can enjoy parties, gossip about this and that, talk about the day-to-day stuff like any other normal person... and I just can't do that. I can't change who I am or how I think; I feel trapped in a world of intellectual mediocrity, and emotionally shallow people who are disgusted by the thought of an intimate relationship with me.
Seeking connection with another just hurts me again and again. Lately I find myself avoiding people altogether; avoiding getting into conversations on the web or in real life. I just feel too hopeless to hope for someone who might like (or even love) me for me. When I'm alone the stress of it all is gone. I'm getting used to just living in my books, learning and reading and developing my own mind. I couldn't possibly endure the pain of another personal attachment which would inevitably be followed by another rejection. There's just no way I could do it again. It's so much easier, safer, less painful to be alone.
On one hand I could say that I'm releasing myself from the clinging and craving of needing to be loved, or liked, or cared for in some way. But on the other, is this not an aversion to a stressor, an avoidance of that which causes me pain? But then, why should I keep pursuing something that causes so much pain? My mind couldn't possibly handle going through it all again; I'm too tired to keeping hoping for the hopeless, of being disappointed again and again. I know now, with certainty and clarity, that no matter how sure I am that somebody likes me for me - and no matter how certain they are of that that too - they will inevitably come to see me as worthless and push me away.
I sincerely want to follow the Buddha's path again and be at peace, stop this endless unbearable suffering, but I just don't know how one would interpret the the Noble Truths in this circumstance...
(Note: I use the term "relationships" to refer to social interaction in general; not in the romantic sense).
I've reached a point in my life where social isolation is my ultimate goal. I want nothing more than to figure out a way to live by myself with no friends, no relationships, no social obligations, none of the inevitable unbearable pain that comes from inter-personal relationships. I'm 24 years old and have wrought nothing but horrible pain and heartache from relationships.
My last closest friend betrayed me like all the others. She became my best friend in the world, we shared everything, I say without hyperbole that I loved her deeply without any romantic connotations attached. But after about a year of being so close to one-another, she began to push me away like all the others. We eventually had the inevitable string of emotionally-charged fights about it - about how I could go from being someone so important to her, to someone so worthless and unimportant that she would act completely indifferent to my feelings and the pain she imparted by tossing me aside like worthless garbage - and now I can confidently say that we'll never be speaking to one-another ever again.
But this is nothing more than the inevitable result of all my relationships. I've had many close friends before her, friends with whom we cared deeply for one-another, and they always end up pushing me away and feeling totally indifferent to me. They always seem like deep and loyal people at the time, but then I turn into the most worthless piece of crap in their eyes, and dealing with me being upset at their tossing me aside is seen as nothing more than a pain-in-the-ass inconvenience that they want to do away with as soon as possible.
I've never done anything mean to them or anything to wrong them; they simply get sick of me - and because I never technically do anything to warrant an immediate break up, they instead do everything possible to quietly push me away and act like I'm a worthless pest.
I'm a virgin, I've never been kissed, never experienced physical intimacy of any kind. No female ever shows interest in me, and every single time I've shown interest in them I get a string of excuses like "oh you're such a nice guy, and so intelligent, I know you'll find somebody... just not me. Definitely not me."
My endless longing for companionship - both friendships and intimacy - have brought nothing but pain and rejection. I'm very nice and very considerate to women, but I've learned that this is the biggest turn-off possible. I'm very loyal and committed to my friends, but I always want to talk about intellectually-challenging topics; and they grow to hate that, because they want a normal friend who can enjoy parties, gossip about this and that, talk about the day-to-day stuff like any other normal person... and I just can't do that. I can't change who I am or how I think; I feel trapped in a world of intellectual mediocrity, and emotionally shallow people who are disgusted by the thought of an intimate relationship with me.
Seeking connection with another just hurts me again and again. Lately I find myself avoiding people altogether; avoiding getting into conversations on the web or in real life. I just feel too hopeless to hope for someone who might like (or even love) me for me. When I'm alone the stress of it all is gone. I'm getting used to just living in my books, learning and reading and developing my own mind. I couldn't possibly endure the pain of another personal attachment which would inevitably be followed by another rejection. There's just no way I could do it again. It's so much easier, safer, less painful to be alone.
On one hand I could say that I'm releasing myself from the clinging and craving of needing to be loved, or liked, or cared for in some way. But on the other, is this not an aversion to a stressor, an avoidance of that which causes me pain? But then, why should I keep pursuing something that causes so much pain? My mind couldn't possibly handle going through it all again; I'm too tired to keeping hoping for the hopeless, of being disappointed again and again. I know now, with certainty and clarity, that no matter how sure I am that somebody likes me for me - and no matter how certain they are of that that too - they will inevitably come to see me as worthless and push me away.
I sincerely want to follow the Buddha's path again and be at peace, stop this endless unbearable suffering, but I just don't know how one would interpret the the Noble Truths in this circumstance...
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Comments
I understand where you are coming from. I was also still a virgin at your age whilst not being anywhere as intellectual as you are. I was also very disappointed with my unsuccessful attempts to meet someone when all of my friends had been through multiple relationships and were busy having a great old time.
I was at college and most girls thought I was gay. I found this out one evening as a drunken party spilled out of a room in the halls and a few tipsy girls had a giggle as asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend, being gay and all that.
Nothing could be further from the truth, as I was as hormonally challenged as the next dude, but too insecure to do much about it.
And there's the rub. You can cut yourself off from people but can you cut yourself off from the desires you have within you? With Buddhism, it's not enough to reject desire, as that has no prospect of success. The aim is to understand and experience its antithesis, relinquishment.
Up until now, I know that when I'm in denial or on my high horse about something, there is (faint) anger in my mind. I feel hard done to etc.
You can intellectually accept this as suffering but that's a shallow victory, as it doesn't deal with the underlying issues.
"Stress and its release" have to be experienced within meditation for anything Buddha taught to make real sense, or to have any but the most superficial effect.
I never became a monk because I didn't want to die a virgin. Married with two kids now and perhaps not the best example of a Buddhist, although I've been one half my life.
Good Luck.
The word 'relationship' in our society is treated like the goods found in a supermarket.
If you are a good man, there is always a woman looking for a good man.
Ultimately, relationship is the same as it always has been: commitment, marriage, family (if mutually pre-decided), conservative values & lifestyle, work, mortgage, etc.
The Buddha gave alot of advice regarding relationships. The Buddha advised a suitable partner has four qualities: the same goals/beliefs; the same goodness & virtue; the same generosity/sacrifice; and the same understanding/ wisdom. For Buddha, relationship begins with defining our own goals and finding a suitable partner that accords with our goals.
Buddha also advised about the five precepts. The Buddha said there are four kinds of marriage: 1. where man & woman do not follow the five precepts; 2. were man does not follow the five precepts but a woman does; 3. were woman does not follow the five precepts but a man does; 4. where both man & woman follow the five precepts. The Buddha advised the first three kinds of marriage will be problematic.
About husband & wife, Buddha also taught a husband should be prepared to support his wife and thus being supported, a wife should return her love.
Buddha taught a man should understand a woman has five perculiar qualitites: 1. she misses her family; 2. she has monthly period, which causes vacillations in her physical & mental states; 3. she can be pregnant with child, which requires special care & attention; 4. she may give birth to child, which can be life threatening; and 5. she enjoys giving to her husband & looking after the home therefore a husband should be grateful, help and not take her generosity for granted.
Buddha also taught there are six paths to ruin, where a man (or woman) will not be desired for marriage. Addiction to intoxications, addiction to gambling, addiction to nightlife, addiction to entertainment, having bad friends and chronic laziness.
Kind regards
Dhatu
If you wish the follow the Buddha's path, you can follow the Noble Truths literally, as the Buddha taught:
Kind regards
DDhatu
Why do all your relationships reflect back to you as betrayal and disappointment? If you believe in the law of karma, it is because those qualities reside within your own mind. If they did not, you would not be experiencing them. I don't say that to make you feel bad about yourselves. We all have our pet poisons, so there is no one to feel superior to. For me, it is about learning to place the other person higher than myself because when I do that then I can cut through my ego-clinging and self-absorption and think about others' needs rather than my own.
I think any time we meet obstacles in life they are a valuable opportunity to practice. Rather than whining about how you wish your problems would go away (I'm not saying you two in particular, we all do it), see it as a real opportunity to grow. It is, in fact, a blessing of the guru.
Palzang