Kindness with detachment

scooter

Hi - I am very, very new to this. I have been listening to a tape by Jack Kornfield who talked about the idea of being open and compassionate but also detached and not sucked in. That caught me immediately beyond anything else I have heard so far.

That is my biggest problem - keeping any sense of equilibrium while trying to help others - but while Kornfield talks to the idea he doesn't explain what to do to get there. For an example: Right now my teen daughter is breaking up with her longtime boyfriend. They are both in such terrible emotional pain over it and it hurts me so to watch it. I care for them - love them - both, but can do nothing but lose sleep and feel awful alongside them. Similarly, I have been known to avoid the newspaper because of terribly sad stories or avoid people will terminal illness rather than reach out to them because the emotions overwhelm me. The only thing that ever works is avoidance and refusing to get involved in sad situations or trying to rationalize myself out of feeling for someone else. I would love to know how to be detached from unhelpful emotions, yet still compassionate and kind. Any suggestions or directions to something to read would be very appreciated!

fivebells

You get there by practicing Buddhist meditation. This teaches you to sit quietly, even as emotions seem to overwhelm you. When you can endure pain (your own and others) without reaction, the stance Kornfield describes comes naturally.

scooter

Hmmm...alright, that is not something I have really tried much of yet with any success. Anytime I try meditating either I fall asleep or start daydreaming. I intend to keep trying though and like I said, I am very new to it all.

Of course I do have experience with sitting and crying and letting feelings wash over me, but it doesn't seem to build any endurance in me.

Thanks for the idea.

federica

Scooter, I admit, I rarely meditate.
I really 'should' try harder, but it's something I find very difficult to do...
So from the viewpoint of a complete Meditation failure - look, on the other hand, at the dazzlingly simple, yet utterly profound lessons of The Four Noble Truths.
Particularly the second.

That Life is unsatisfactory, because we cling and grasp at that which must always elude us and be fleeting, temporary and transitory.
We grasp, cling and yearn for things to either stay as they are, or to be that which they are not.
Either way, we're stuffed.

"This too shall pass" is an obvious and hackneyed phrase. But for all it's tedium, it's very true.
Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.
The first 'hello' always contains within it, echoes of the last 'goodbye'.
This is something we should accept.
Not with a heavy heart, but with joy that we are able to witness and experience such things and with fortitude, dignity, pride, joy and serenity.

Support your daughter, and dwell within the comfort that in a few months, she will feel better.
She will emerge form the shadows of her sadness.
Life will move on, and she will make progress.

Just support her, and know that - This too shall pass.

waking

Very nicely said, Fede!

Ben

Simonthepilgrim

federica wrote: »

Scooter, I admit, I rarely meditate.
I really 'should' try harder, but it's something I find very difficult to do...
........................

Fede, dear heart, I have added time to my own meditation practice since reading these words and offered it in your place.

scooter

Thank you for your reply. Just after I posted I went to get some exercise and turned on my audiobook on my ipod. The section that Kornfield started discussing was just this subject (how coincidental is that?). He had glossed over the subject before but now he delved into it and said pretty much what you all have said here - I need to accept the sadness both for what it is and also as a passing state. I think what I usually do is either fight it (avoiding it or rationalizing) or allow it to overwhelm me and make it worse (like playing extra sad videos in my head of things that haven't happened yet). I think that will take a lot of practice to get to that point but it seems an interesting approach that i never really thought of before.

This audiobook "Buddhism for Beginner" has a lot of things I never thought about in those terms before. It's fascinating.

Channah108

Hi
Im also very new to Buddhism, although I come from a Hindu perspective, so not all of the concepts are quite so alien..

I think the thing you are struggling with is a fairly commen one.. and i would say first of all not to be too hard on yourself - everyone has differant strengths and weaknesses and things they are eternally trying to improve on...

Meditation is the path to developement - but just because someone is good at meditation doesnt mean theyve mastered everything else... the point is to at least try in the beggining - the more you try - with the right intention - then everything else will fall into place..

I think the first thing is to get practising meditation ... a lot of paths have traditions of doing spiritual things very early in the morning..so if you are having trouble keeping awake - try meditating first thing rather than afternoon or evening...

secondly - dont try to do anything too long or fancy when it comes to meditation.. start off with just 2 or 3 mins of breathing meditation - where you just concentrate on breathing in and out normally - and letting any distracting thoughts pass by... you can increase the minutes daily or weekly until you get up to 20 / 60 mins whatever without thinking about anything...

if you have a mobile ive found it usefull to set an alarm so you dont go over or under your time...
its hard at first - especially if like me you are a natural multitasker but with practise it will come and you will find yourself a lot calmer and more emotianlly stable for it..

secondly - before you can help anyone else - you have to know yourself and overcome your own issues.. if you want to help others in any way then you have to understand their suffering in some way and that comes from facing your emotions and the bad things in this world

in my understanding - the way you understand the suffering of others is to face yours and theirs head on without letting emotion overwhelm you everytime..

if you cry or feel depressed when you see news reports, dont run away from the feeling - embrace it - its part of what makes you a human being ... but instead of letting it take over you - make a point of remembering it, the pain you felt and use the energy instead to be kind or help others...

by running away or never facing those feelings -you loose an important developemental tool that would otherwise benefit not only you but others...

another important thing is to remember that kindness doesnt have to come in grand gestures..

sometimes its the smallest kindness or show of compassion thats the most meaningfull.

you dont have to be some great counciller, or give away all your money to help people or benefit others..sometimes a smile or a nice word is all thats needed... does that make sense ??

sorry to waffle on but i hope thats been of some use to you...

federica

Simonthepilgrim wrote: »

Fede, dear heart, I have added time to my own meditation practice since reading these words and offered it in your place.

(((thank you Simon)))

That means a huge amount to me.

I promise then, that I will try harder.

Humbly, gratefully and amiably yours.