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Confused with it all....
I am very confused by my current path that I am on and need some guidance and maybe just someone to talk to. To make a long story short, I was laid off from a $60k+ job (engineering) about 5 years ago and have endured nothing but suffering and hardship since that time. I took a couple of less than desirable jobs (car sales, etc) that did not work out and I got fired from. I finally started my own business (insurance) about 4 years ago just to pay bills and eat. Well, we (family and I) had to stick that out because the stress from our hardship caused my wife to start having panic/anxiety attacks and resulted in her being homebound x 4 years now and after leaving her job due to the illness, can not return to work. I also can not work outside of my home because she can not stay alone. So we are stuck in a never ending circle of hardship.
Anyway, insurance is a very hard business to start and we have suffered immensely from a financial standpoint. I have been blamed for all of our hardships for 4 years now. The constant fighting and blaming has made me very hard and coarse about life in general. My temper gets the best of me often and I am very hard and uncompassionate. I try but the stress and hardship has just kicked my butt completely.
I turned back to religion (after wandering around for about 16-18 years and found so much division and controversy that I am even more confused. So now I am hard, uncompassionate AND confused about religion and life in general. I am 41 years old, educated, and I just feel that I should have more answers than I do.
I found Protestantism to be divided. The one thing that ALL Protestants agree on is that Catholics are wrong. So I figured if everyone talks so much smack about Catholics maybe I will check them out. So I did and was very excited at first....Then I found that they too are very divided on many issues and ALL talk smack about Protestants. Which leaves me where I am now. MORE CONFUSED....
I have prayed, read the Bible and contemplated religion very deeply for about 2 years now and cannot help but think that if Christianity was where it is at, then I have missed something because so far this sucks.
I have read a lot on Buddhism, and am interested in learning more. I am trying to find a way to let go of all my anger, resentment and lack of compassion but I don't know how. It is easier to SAY than it is to DO. Most of what I read tells me the end GOAL but tells me nothing from a practical standpoint like, START HERE and DO THIS....
Where does one start to recover (spiritually, emotionally, etc) from a long period of adversity and hardship and suffering??
Some additional questions:
1. Buddhists do not worship any certain god, is that correct?
2. It does not mean you must deny God in order to practice Buddhism?
3. Where would one go for information on learning Buddhism (practically) that is not overly in depth (meaning you can start from nothing and gain an understanding in a logical step by step fashion?)
My goal is not to deny the existence of God at all (at least not at this point), just to calm down, step back and take a look at my life and determine where I have gone wrong. Right now, all I can see is that I got screwed, worked hard and am suffering for it. I see anger, resentment, unfairness, inequality, division, lack of peace, lack of joy, no fun, no satisfaction...I could go on for an hour or so. I can not seem to get past the unfairness and "change my life". I know that Buddhism concentrates on the removal of suffering from the human existence and that sounds like a very worthy goal, one which I could embrace with zeal.
I appreciate everyone's time on this matter and look forward (greatly) to hearing back from any of you.
Anyway, insurance is a very hard business to start and we have suffered immensely from a financial standpoint. I have been blamed for all of our hardships for 4 years now. The constant fighting and blaming has made me very hard and coarse about life in general. My temper gets the best of me often and I am very hard and uncompassionate. I try but the stress and hardship has just kicked my butt completely.
I turned back to religion (after wandering around for about 16-18 years and found so much division and controversy that I am even more confused. So now I am hard, uncompassionate AND confused about religion and life in general. I am 41 years old, educated, and I just feel that I should have more answers than I do.
I found Protestantism to be divided. The one thing that ALL Protestants agree on is that Catholics are wrong. So I figured if everyone talks so much smack about Catholics maybe I will check them out. So I did and was very excited at first....Then I found that they too are very divided on many issues and ALL talk smack about Protestants. Which leaves me where I am now. MORE CONFUSED....
I have prayed, read the Bible and contemplated religion very deeply for about 2 years now and cannot help but think that if Christianity was where it is at, then I have missed something because so far this sucks.
I have read a lot on Buddhism, and am interested in learning more. I am trying to find a way to let go of all my anger, resentment and lack of compassion but I don't know how. It is easier to SAY than it is to DO. Most of what I read tells me the end GOAL but tells me nothing from a practical standpoint like, START HERE and DO THIS....
Where does one start to recover (spiritually, emotionally, etc) from a long period of adversity and hardship and suffering??
Some additional questions:
1. Buddhists do not worship any certain god, is that correct?
2. It does not mean you must deny God in order to practice Buddhism?
3. Where would one go for information on learning Buddhism (practically) that is not overly in depth (meaning you can start from nothing and gain an understanding in a logical step by step fashion?)
My goal is not to deny the existence of God at all (at least not at this point), just to calm down, step back and take a look at my life and determine where I have gone wrong. Right now, all I can see is that I got screwed, worked hard and am suffering for it. I see anger, resentment, unfairness, inequality, division, lack of peace, lack of joy, no fun, no satisfaction...I could go on for an hour or so. I can not seem to get past the unfairness and "change my life". I know that Buddhism concentrates on the removal of suffering from the human existence and that sounds like a very worthy goal, one which I could embrace with zeal.
I appreciate everyone's time on this matter and look forward (greatly) to hearing back from any of you.
0
Comments
First of all, welcome! It is good to have met you in this friendly place. And thank you for your openness and courageous honesty. It must have been hard to write such a frank assessment of the pain you are suffering.
I've heard all sorts of advice and I've even given some. I can recite the Four Noble Truths or chunks of scripture. But, truly, I think that what I hear is how lonely you must be. It is not advice or wise answers; it is a friend.
May I offer my prayers, hope and trust that you have one or that you find that there is one who can listen. You need to share your load.
(For some perspective to my story I am currently 26.)
When I was very young for example, maybe six or younger, my mother told me she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I answered that I wanted to be a recluse. I swear that is true. I honestly have no idea where I would have learned that word from. I do not remember the incident, but my mother told me about it when I mentioned that I wanted to be ordained and live at a monastery last year.
All throughout my life I had been interested in religions, mythologies, philosophies, and ways of life. I believe my first love was Greek mythology. From there I studied Norse mythology. I have to say that was my favorite for many years. Later on I thought I should become Christian because everyone else was. I assumed it to be true, and a young boy doesn't want to go to hell... I prayed, I "talked" to Jesus, I basically played the part, but one day I prayed so hard to God for something really important to me, I prayed my heart out begging and pleading, that I was sure God would hear me. I just couldn't deal with my problems anymore. I was so tired, scared, confused, you name it. I waited, I prayed, I waited, I prayed. Nothing. Why had God done this? Why had turned away from me? I always heard how God would answer all of your prayers. Ha. How naive a child can be. I lost my faith around my thirteenth birthday.
So, disillusioned with God I followed the opposite extreme--Lucifer. He was dissatisfied with God as well. He didn't take a subservient attitude towards Him. He was "hurt" in his own way and he called God on his suffering. I did the same thing. I called Him on it.
Fast forward--now I'm in high school. I'm developing an interest in Paganism and drugs. Next thing you know I'm practicing witchcraft. That actually went well for a while and answered some of my tougher questions about life, but I was still unsatisfied. I needed more. It wasn't the end of my search if you know what I mean. There was still too many loose ends, too many things that were left to chance. I didn't see the link--the control that we each had in the shaping of our futures (Paganism's idea of kamma/karma was incomplete you see and fate...well...if we have no control what's the use of trying right?). Unfortunately, I became a serious drug user as well as a heavy drinker.
I wasted a lot of time, a lot of money, and a lot of friends during these couple of years. I was depressed, I was lost, I was at the end of my rope. I had nothing much keeping me here. I just wanted out. Overdose, suicide, whatever...just out. I cannot tell you how or when, but I took a second "look" at Buddhism. Originally I thought it was some fat guy Chinese people venerated for some weird reason like bringing luck or something (I was THAT typical American, sad isn't it?). I had given up on religions, philosophies and the rest. They were manmade self gratifying nonsense in my opinion. At any rate, I read a book on what the Buddha taught. I was intrigued, then I was agreeing, then I was reading faster. Before I knew it I felt that I had stumbled onto something really special here. This man, not claiming to be God or any heavenly creature, was describing my mind, my world, and the forces of my universe from 2500 years ago! He seemed to be saying, "I know what you're going through. I dedicated my life to finding the answers, out of compassion for people like you, so that I may teach you how to become free of this suffering." That was what first got me started.
Later on, as I grew with my practice, I began to really enjoy being a better person. I did not get a real "high" or "gratification" from not using drugs or refraining from drinking, stealing, and lying--yet I had inner....I don't know...joy, satisfaction, or peace perhaps? I cannot really explain it. I just knew that I was on the right path for me. I never thought it was the only one, but for me it was definitely the right one. I have been on it ever since.
The easiest way I can explain how I was "drawn" here is that my whole life has been one big exercise in the 4 Noble Truths. I have seen firsthand the suffering I put myself through. I saw how it was my actions, my intentions, my decisions that shaped who I am today. Now that I have this knowledge I can better shape who I will be in the future. Even if I do not reach the "end" I will still have the benefits of making myself a more skillfull individual. I am also doing my best to make my influence on the rest of the world a postive one instead of the negative one of my past. Buddhism to me is nothing less than a training in how to live your life to it's very fullest.
Perhaps you could answer some of your questions about Buddhism here http://www.accesstoinsight.org/begin.html
Also if it is possibly read a copy of What the Buddha Taught by Walpola Rahula.
Some do, but most do not.
2. It does not mean you must deny God in order to practice Buddhism?
No, it does not mean you must deny God in order to practice Buddhism.
3. Where would one go for information on learning Buddhism (practically) that is not overly in depth (meaning you can start from nothing and gain an understanding in a logical step by step fashion?)
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/5minbud.htm
or
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/begin.html
or
http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/
On most levels, Christianity and Buddhism work together just fine. I took a course specifically about that this past year. It was... quite enlightening
I found this site a good place to start: http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/buddhism/buddhism.html
WhiteBeard,
My name is Adiana and I want to say hello and welcome to the site. I can relate to some of what you are going through. I am a widowed mother of three and I am 48 years old. Two of my kids are grown and my youngest is eight years old. My eight-year-old was only six when her father died in January of 2003. For added fun, I was fired without just cause two days before my husband died. Perfect timing, huh? I was not able to find any work at all, not even in a fast food place; that is how bad the economy is here in Anderson, Indiana. I recently found a part-time job in a cafeteria. I am only getting 15 to 20 hours a week but it is better than nothing. I have learned to make it on Social Security and my late husband's pension, so this little bit of income from my part-time job will be considered as extra money. We may not have everything we want but we do have what we need and I am okay with that. I have learned to pinch pennies out of necessity. Anyway, after being laid off, I decided to try to sell life insurance and that was a big waste of time! No one has any money to even buy any insurance in the first place plus most of the managers of insurance companies I tried to work for would hog all the good leads and give us newbies the crappy leads. I quickly decided insurance sales was not for me. While doing the aforementioned things, I decided to finish up and graduate from college with my associate's degree in Business Administration plus I decided to continue on with my educational goals and I will have my Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration (emphasis in Management) at the end of Winter Quarter of 2006.
I do have to say that I was lucky enough to have married a wonderful man who was also a wonderful father---Sonny continued to watch our youngest child, Jennifer, right up until around four months before his death. He just got so weak and had lost so much weight that it became too much of an effort for him to watch our youngest child. Needless to say, I had to take FMLA leave to take care of him towards the end which is why being fired without just cause hurt so much. I was not the only one that was done in such a shabby fashion---there were 20 of us that got the axe just in the Finishing department alone. I just happened to have been the only one that had the balls to fight this company that treated us all so horribly. I also won in court and the company was found to have fired me without just cause and they were ordered to pay me unemployment. However, since unemployment benefits were cut from 52 weeks to only 26 weeks, that also hurt since I never found another job until two weeks ago---I don't count the time selling insurance because I never sold any policies in the four months I tried doing so.
Like you, I tried different religions to fill this big, empty hole inside of me. Nothing worked. I was brought up in the Baptist faith from when I was a young child but I always had problems with the doctrines plus no one could give me any tangible reason why the doctrines were as they were---I was considered as just a troubled child who would never amount to nothing. I am sure you know what I am talking about. Whatever. Anyway, in January of 2005, I found Wicca and I decided to become a Wiccan of the Correllian Tradition. In April of 2005, I also found Nichiren Buddhism. What I like abouth both beliefs is that neither belief says that you cannot practice other beliefs/religions in addition to these beliefs. I appreciate that. I have always revered Mother Earth, which is why I was drawn to Correllian Wicca. I found out about Nichiren Buddhism because I have some friends that practice it. What struck me was the joy, peace, and sense of tranquility that emanated from them. I was drawn to it like a moth to flame. I wanted what they had because I was tired of being an angry, cynical, and negative person. I started to study about Nichiren Buddhism and decided to try chanting as a way to find some peace and tranquility for my hectic life. I have never looked back, either. I found a sense of self-worth and peace that I would not trade for anything. However, I want to let you know that there are a lot of people here that practice different sects of Buddhism, so please make sure that you take the time to check out other sites that I see some of the others here have posted for you to try. I looked at other schools of Buddhism but I decided that Nichiren Buddhism was what I wanted to practice and it is right for me. It may or may not be right for you. Only you can decide that. Anyway, I wish you peace and happiness. I also hope that you find what is right for you. I also want to say that it was not an overnight process for me to learn to be at peace with myself; As with any belief, it will take some time and searching to find what is right for you. I will say this much: When I chant, I feel empowered and strong. I also feel at peace with myself. It is alright with my soul, and that is something that I will never tire of. Also, please forgive the length of this post, but the others here can attest to the fact that I have a habit of doing this! LOL!
Anyway, take care and I look forward to getting to know you.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Adiana
From what I've seen and heard, there's really little left of Hinduism in Buddhism when it comes to deities. Buddhism is currently practiced more outside of India and therefore many Buddhists worship deities native to their regions, but not really Hindu gods (unless they live in India). Someone correct me if I'm wrong.
1. A true Buddhist do not worship any certain God. But again it depends on the defination of God. From a Buddhist perpective, God is the true-nature self which is inside you. The truth is within us, not external to our body.
2. No, you do not have to deny God on learning Buddhism. Believing in God is a father and son relationship. Whereas Buddhism is a teacher and student relationship. There is no conflict, being a child we still need to go school for education right? By all means, you have all the rights to question, investigate and explore any queries you may have about Buddhism. Unlike other religions, all you need is just a strong faith.
3. I suggest you to consult a RELIABLE Buddhist community in your area. Or you can read materials about Buddhism from books or the Internet (Make sure that they are genuine Buddhism material, you may need some help to identify them). There are some simple, reliable and interesting materials over the Internet. Which you can find them in some of the threads here. Do not commit to Buddhism, unless you are sure and ready.
Personally I think u can start with these sites
1. http://www.thubtenchodron.org/
2. http://web.singnet.com.sg/~alankhoo/
3. http://www.parami.org/buddhistanswers/
they are other interesting ones.
cheers,