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Discussion on having a non-buddhist partner
Hi everyone.
I was hoping to have an open and frank discussion about the challenges and blessings of having a non-buddhist partner. On one hand (and in my calmer mindset) I believe they are a blessing; a never-ending and relentless testing of our buddha nature, but on the other sometimes their behaviour alongwith their lack of understanding or appreciation of meditation and a spiritual lifestyle becomes, well, hard to handle.
So, thoughts?
I was hoping to have an open and frank discussion about the challenges and blessings of having a non-buddhist partner. On one hand (and in my calmer mindset) I believe they are a blessing; a never-ending and relentless testing of our buddha nature, but on the other sometimes their behaviour alongwith their lack of understanding or appreciation of meditation and a spiritual lifestyle becomes, well, hard to handle.
So, thoughts?
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Comments
I used to think that if my girlfriend was Buddhist, things would be a lot better, but I've since found that clinging to the idea of things being a certain way usually brings me more suffering than the fact they're not. The truth is, even if my girlfriend was Buddhist, there would still be other things that bothered us about one another, and we'd still have the same difficulties other couples have.
For me, the practice is a personal journey. And the fact that other people can't understand or don't appreciate certain aspects of my practice doesn't really bother me all that much because even if they did, it wouldn't help my practice any.
Thank you for your incite, but he is anything but as "asshole" - he is an amazing husband and I love him fiercly. I have not plans on "dumping him" at all. My reason for starting this thread was to encourage a discussion about buddhist practioners and their different experiences with their partners. On the whole my husband is very supportive - its not about him and his actions, it is about me and how I deal with these everyday incidents, and any handy hints or teachings that could come in useful would be great.
Emma, chill. He was kidding....
I too have a partner who is not Buddhist, and basically, I echo what Jason says.
Having a partner who is/is not Buddhist, creates its own complications.
Some beneficial and positive, others detrimental and negative.
When things are awry, it's a lesson.
When things are going well, it's a lesson.
When is life NOT dukkha?
thanks for all the good advice. I think i just need to get myself in that mindset to count my blessings and see everything as a challenge, and realise life is not full of blessings and curses, just challenges and lessons. thanks guys
I didn't realize it was a joke either. Maybe it was something in the delivery?
And people think I'm not funny?
But if you're married, dumping him over this would be a bit rash. Sorry about that. I assumed he was your boyfriend.
Sometimes, we can view such situations as life-enhancing and educational, opportunities to deepen our practice, and improve our knowledge of the Dhamma, whilst all the while broadening our understanding of dukkha.
But there's no need to be a complete idiot about it.
We have to also practice self-preservation, and not succumb to 'idiot compassion'.
If something becomes unreasonable, overtly intolerable and frankly an impediment to our practice and progress, we should say so.
in view of the misunderstandings in previous posts, I am not implying, Emma, that this is the case with you at all, but to take an extreme, if our partner ridicules our practice in private, and challenges our patience in an isolated environment, that is one thing. But if they do so in public, and take the mickey in front of others, ridiculing our stance on compassion, loving kindness and meditation, then -
Up yours mister, what gives you the right to behave in that way?
You think you're being funny? You think you're being clever?
Why do you feel so threatened by all this?
What's rocking your boat in what I do?
If it makes me a happy, calm, centred person, with a positive outlook, what's it to you?
Why do you feel the need to undermine my practice?
Makes you feel big, does it?
Makes you feel powerful?
I realise, understand and accept you have your opinions about what I practice, and that's fine, that's your right.
But now - You're just being a bully.
You're just trying to browbeat me into submission, and attacking something important to me.
I'd be just as defensive if someone was attacking you. I'd defend you, to the end, because you're important to me.
So for you to be demeaning towards something that is also important to me, is just wrong.
You either need to justify yourself logically, and tell me just why it riles you so much, so we can discuss it, or you can just shut up about it, now, once and for all.
So - which is it going to be?
or something like that......:D
Spirituality & religion are characterised as a means of self-reliance & refuge in another, such as the Buddha or a guru. Meditation is a symbol of aloneness. Thus, if you are a husband, there is always the potential to feel threatened or somewhat inadequate if your wife takes refuge in religion.
Also, regardless of the relationship dynamics, each partner must learn to fully respect the other, that is, for any characteristic that has a wholesome quality. This is basic friendship and basic respect.
Therefore, my guess is you should communicate clearly & honestly to your husband if you feel he disrespects your interest in Buddhism. Then you should also express what Buddhism means to you, in a way that shows how it benefits your relationship and makes you a better person for the purpose of your relationship.
But if you start to talk about Buddhism as a way to fulful shortcomings in your relationship and/or in terms of a superstitious belief system he cannot empathise with, that may be problematic.
Kind regards
DDhatu
For those living in a household, the Buddha taught four moral qualities can be developed & practised, namely, honesty/openness (sacca), training in virtue & self-improvement (dama), patience/endurance (khanti) and generosity/sacrifice (caga).
So when problems arise, they can be brought into the open and behaviour can be improved according to what is good and beneficial. Sometimes, sacrifice is required here, where there is a non-beneficial quality or when simply having to renounce one's preferences for the benefit of another. In brief, unselfishness.
Kind regards
DDhatu
Should I buy a new wife or keep this one and buy more consorts?
But that's one of the great things about Buddhism; it's so compatible with other beliefs and points of view. If there are any issues on my part, I examine them; if there are any problems on her part, i use them to cultivate compassion and empathy for her and strengthen our relationship.
Forgive me for saying so (you probably don't mean this to sound the way it does) but that does sound patronising...
if there are issues on your part, you examine them....
Do you then apply a remedy?
Do you, for example, try to be a bit more romantic and affectionate, embracing and clinging-without-grasping?
She is after all, the one person you have committed to.
She has a right to expect that therefore, she is more important to you than anyone else.
That's how she'd like to be viewed in your eyes.
Do you confirm this to her?
The 'problems on her part'... does she see them as problems, or is this just your perception?
Does your compassion and empathy in strengthening your relationship, do things in a way which fulfil her?
please understand I know I could be completely off-bat here...but your comments provoked thought here....
Thanks!
No, she does not know anything about Buddhist scripture, no she has not 'taken refuge', but she is the most loving and compassionate person I know. She is very strong and decisive - and nearly always right.
huh....:hrm:
A 'real' man would simply say she is Always right.....
I should have worded that a little more skillfully. Looking back on that post, it seems really patronizing. In fact, I feel bad for having posted that. I guess I've some more work to do, eh?
Thank you for your comments, Federica. I didn't mean that post to come across the way that it did, but you've really given me something to think about. Thanks! : )
Well, she picked me as a partner......................... LOL
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Good point......
I see what you mean by 'nearly' now....;)
(I am just kidding!
Damn - outwitted by a woman - again! LOL
I also have 2 adult daughters - I stand no chance!
I really do sympathise with you!!
(The only comfort I can give you is that often, women's cycles synchronise... so maybe it will go down to just once a month - in triplicate!) :eek:
My wife is not a Buddhist... AND I HATE IT...
Because she is far more Buddhist than I!!!!!!!
She diligently moves spiders and small creatures outside where they belong, and shows lovingkindness to just about everyone, and has compassion for all sentient beings...
I just hate these non-Buddhists, competing with us REAL Buddhist... and succeeding!!!!
"Look not for faults in others, look at your own faults."
(Here endth the lesson)