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How to deal with some "difficult" people
I'd like to know what you think when it comes to dealing with "difficult" people. I have a friend who I see very often and who's ego is as big as the entire universe:p
Sometimes it's very difficult for me not to lose my temper or to think he's a d*ck.
And it is not that easy to tell him that he's being annoying, it's a fragile situation to deal.
Do you have any advice? or opinion about it?
Sometimes it's very difficult for me not to lose my temper or to think he's a d*ck.
And it is not that easy to tell him that he's being annoying, it's a fragile situation to deal.
Do you have any advice? or opinion about it?
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Comments
If someone says something obviously egotistic to me, I just smile and say,
"Never mind eh? This too shall pass...."
It usually brings them up short...
And wipes the smile off their face...
I don't say it to be cruel, nasty or vindictive.
But it puts their feet back on the ground....
This quote from the Dhammapada may help:
"To straighten the crooked,
You must first do a harder thing -
straighten yourself.
You are your only master.
Who else?
Subdue yourself,
And discover your master."
Practise patience, now is not the time to get angry, anger destroys all happiness and turns friends into enemies, it is foolish to not control your anger.
It can be helpful to practice compassion inwardly towards these difficult people. Seeing that their thoughts and actions result from great delusion, ignorance and so-forth, and are causing them more suffering and karma. Reacting to them can arouse more "ego-centric" behavior from them such as anger which doesn't help anyone in the long run.
I also find it helpful to consider the causes and conditions for being in these situations or around these people in the first place. I can only see it as a result of my previous actions turning back against me (some good ol' mind training...;))
In trying to practice equanimity, I will sometimes dedicate merit to those difficult people that we can all come across.
Having said all this, it is difficult to do unless our mind is somewhat calm, so either way, try to take a step back and not react too much!
We are also all "in progress", meaning that how your friend acts today is no indication of how he will act 10 years from now as he experiences life changes (emotional, physical and spiritual).
Also, it is important not to let your friends actions or behavior effect you negatively (i.e. to think you have to lose your temper.) because those are HIS actions, not yours. You can be mindful to the fact that his own suffering is likely the cause of his behavior and you can send him loving-kindness through your daily meditation practice.
Be Peace
Tell him to stop being a Dick.
Such as investigating how it happens that he causes you to lose your temper. What are the warning signs that come up in you? What can you do to keep your cool. You know he will push your buttons, what can you do to take care of your buttons.
You could choose to limit your contact with him to times when you've determined you're going to practice mindfulness with kindness toward yourself first, and then kindness toward him, as a sentient being.
I am trying to work through my own interest in being argumentative. Sometimes I seek out people to argue with.
I've used political forums on the internet for that. What's really going on, is I'm having some feeling that I would rather not deal with, and so I choose to numb out and visit political forums, and it's not hard to find someone to argue with there.
Hope this helps.
If nothing else, it just shows you how crazy some of us are around here. Speaking only for myself, of course.
Well, you could stop seeing him.
Or you could keep quiet and pay attention to the effect he is having on you. When he makes you feel angry or unhappy, you could just notice that reaction.
Or you could see that his personality is going to hurt him more than help him in the long run and feel compassion for him.
Or you could realize that almost everyone is like your friend, to a greater or lesser degree, including yourself, and cultivate a sense of equanimity about it.
Causes and conditions, as we know, are empty things. No self there. What relief would I obtain from returning responses in kind or becoming aggravated. Might as well get angry with the sun for becoming too warm on some days, or the moon for not being visible on some nights.
For me, better to accept the teaching provided. Better to avoid doing harmful things and practice virtuous ways; compassionate ways. Not always easy to remember. Harder yet to actuate while dealing with my own causes and conditions. But to practice this is to habituate my mind. Hopefully (more and more) this becomes the experience to which my mind returns when confronted by similar circumstances.
...or so it seems to me.
I'm trying as mindfully and lovingly as possible to do this with my husband. We are going through a very rocky time and it's very hard for me to remember not to fall into "victim" mode because of the effect it is having on my daughter.
When I was honest with him, one-to-one last night, he SEEMED to accept it without getting too angry. However, since my daughter went to bed last night, he has neither spoken to me, nor shown any affection. He also slept in the study. (Upshot was that I could meditate uninterrupted before going to sleep - have to remember the positives right?).
If you or anyone else have any other suggestions I'd be very appreciative. I love my husband without fail, but he is a very negative person and loves tearing strips off my spirituality when he wants to hurt me (and it does, but I try not to retaliate).
Respectfully,
Raven
And not to be a total dousche, but often when we judge people, we're only seeing ourselves. Projection?
Love your avatar by the way.
Look deeper. Behind that person's big ego is probably someone who is terrified that he is "inferior". When you can find their pain, you apply compassion, and your annoyance evaporates.
A yogi once said, "Don't hate the cruel person. They are the ones who are truly suffering." That same truth extends to all behaviors that spring from unhappiness. Happiness does not breed selfishness, anger, egotism or cruelty.
Of course, there are times when I go into knee-jerk reactions so quickly that I lose the chance to look more deeply. But never when I'm happy with how I'm being treated!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jniaUr_7438
Have a great day!
Patrice
I have 2 situations like this. Me and my wife, and my best friend and his wife.
My wife use to get terribly angry.
My best friend as well.
Both their problem were how they react to certain things.
Most people gets angry and believe it is the other person/their boss/the government/the weather etc... fault.
ex: "If you didn't say/do that, i would not HAVE to be angry."
perhaps it should be fairly "easy", after a few talks, to go from:
- You made me angry
to
- What you said made me feel angry, so i acted on that feeling and yelled at you.
This would be great progress.
If only that person had an interest in Buddhism, these progress would come very easily... But that is often not the case.
After 6 years of marriage, my wife barely ever get angry anymore. Haven't have a major fight in about 10 months. But progress were very slow. Hundreds of talks, thousands of emails, hundreds of time where she would attempt to ridicule my ideas (these buddhist bullsh#t"...).
We almost divorce so many times. Anger is one strong emotion!
And the "mind programs" that leads to this anger are often very deeply rooted in the mind, connected to everything in their life.
But i was very patient and firm. Knowing very well that this could end any day. I figured it worth it. I figure that even if we do divorce one day, she would be a happier person as a result of our effort to tackle the anger/insecurities/fears in her life.
I also knew that i needed to take it easy with her a bit from time to time, since she could have just get sick of it and never get any interest in this stuff anymore.
I never get angry or depress, so it help very much.
But i do not say either that i was perfect always. I learn very much about myself and life in the process, about dynamics between two peoples, about how easy it is to fall into moral misjudgment and attempt to control someone etc...
If you can avoid reacting to whatever negative things your husband says to you, I believe it would help you very much. It would help to limit the intensity of the arguments as only one person is pumping the balloon.
Anyhow this was with my wife, incredible progress, now she did get a strong interest in Buddhism and she is doing lots better, both with her anger and with her depression.
But.
My best friend is a different story.
I have very little hope for him. He just had a kid and he is not doing well.
I think the only reasonable hope i can have is that the situation with his family will get so bad that they will be on the bring of divorce.
Like a cross road. You have to make a decision. Either you will genuinely try to change and seek ways you can change, or you are going down the same path you have for most of your life.
Raven,
I couldn't help but notice here you make some pretty solid attributions toward your husband that might be counter-productive in finding what you're looking for. I find that viewing people as 'negative people' doesn't hold up well in meditation... that the solid view untangles into a series of moments where I see them clinging or feeling fearful. The first goal might be to stop collapsing his behaviors into "stable ways" that he just "is". In the absence of such judgement, you might begin to see more information about the transitory nature of his suffering.
The question then arises as, what is his pain? Could you be more skillful in relating to that pain? If you have been unskillful in relating to his pain, what reaction is it in you that clouds your wisdom and equanimity?
This is not saying that you should attempt to own his confusion, but rather if your intent is to stay with him, he might need your helping hand out of the muck that causes the behaviors that you see trouble your relationship. I emphasize that 'if', because on one hand, there is always wonderful information to learn from experiences like these, and on the other, there is no reason for our journey to be an endurance trial.
With Warmth,
Matt
I have heard something similar, in -
"Love me when I deserve it the least; for that is when I need it the most."
Very true #2.
Jeesh....! How big a club membership do we have here...?? Running into three zeros, isn't it....? (I think I'm secretary....!)
You are quite the inspiration to sticking it out with your missus for that long. As noble as it was/is, did you often wondered at the time "what was the point?". Her experiences with her sure did help you on your 'path' to better spirituality and etc, but did the thought of leaving her or somebody else 'better' go through your mind???
Maybe I can answer my own question by stating it is possibly love that kept you with her?
To counteract that, I then sit and think about all the times in my life I may have annoyed someone, or hurt someone, unintentionally or intentionally, and consider how much I would like to be forgiven for them, to have understanding from the people I may have hurt, and acceptance & compassion....then I'm in a more calm state to extend what I'd like for me, to the difficult person.
That's what I try anyway! It has helped me a fair bit
Run away!
second; if you want to/have to hang out with this person, practise love and kindness, he is a human being and he has the same right to be here just as you do.
very very very inspiring post...
My girlfriend get's drunk every once in a while, she get's anger issues then. Sometimes when sober she is very depressed. Next day she can be all forgotten about.
In the beginning I 'went' in her moodswing. Almost drove me crazy. not that I wanted to go along in her storm, but I didn't know how to protect myself.
After our last huge fight and partial (recently fixed) breakup something changed in my. I have a personal shield now of some sort. There is this place in me were it's pretty calm, and just nice to be.
It used to be alwasy open to everyon. I know that now, because it is not open anymore. I can open it when I want to, but when threatened I just close it.
Best part is....because i'm more calm in some situations were I would think negative or get angry before.....she is more calm too!!!!
I'm content with all the lessons I learned of the buddha and all the wonderfull followers of the path. It allready has done some much good!! Can't wait the the teachings have in store for me in the future.
Can you teach me how to do this, how to create this "shield"? How to be calm in the midst of negativity and anger?
I wish I could....
Maybe visulizing it in difficult situations will help....imagine a warm golden/purple/how you want it glow surrounding you and keeping you safe from negative energy and emotions...
keep meditating every day...
I'm having difficulty staying motivated. When I'm having a really bad day I cynically laugh at the idea of meditating. I feel as if nothing can make me feel better.
<meta http-equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> I had the exact same thing. He always new best, always had it worse or done it better, try to be the centre of attention always, and when I put on weight and got more attention off the opposite sex than he did (only some of the time lol) ooofff he'd hate it haha.
All I can say is perhaps draw his attention to it without being confrontational. You can mirror and match someone's body language which gives them the impression of looking in a mirror and being on the same wave length. Also empatheticaly respond to him to make him aware of his actions and beliefs as many don't realise what they are like and how they sound i.e.
'All the girls were coming up to me more than any other guy in that bar last night.'
'Sounds like you were the best guy in there, better than anyone else.'
'yes'
'And you feel better than anyone else most the time?'
lol crummy example but you get the idea.
Also you can be upfront and tell him how you feel, again without being confrontational.
If none of them work sometimes it's just better to let go of the friendship and move on rather than feel that anger everytime you see him.
Haha that's funny, I do that plenty of times. It's the best way to avoid further confrontation by simply giving in. Or if you like me to relate to Buddhist teachings, it's letting go the attachment of the need to prove my point by arguing your opinion or view, by simply letting go of my attachment to my views. Cause my view is only that just a view, nothing more nothing less.
Think of it as a chance to practice patience. Bodhisattvas seek out difficult people since their limitless compassion and kindness make for few enemies or people who treat them unkindly. They seek the opportunity to perfect the virtue of patience.
why laugh at meditating? Do you find it to be strange / stupid / not necessary / for hippies / people out of touch / too demanding ??
Why is undermining your motivation ?? I found it's easier to practise when i'm not expecting anything to happen. The act of sitting itself is good enough. Furthermore; I skip practise when I really don't have the time. am very tired etc. It doesn't make me less a person or buddhist. In fact, forced practise will only makes me agitated and anxious...
just take it easy
Take for example this friend in question, he is egotistic and likes to brag etc. I am aware that a lot of the time these people feel they have reasoning for doing so. Be it wealth, physical attributes or intellect, but why does this lead to dukkah? Yes everything is is a perception in life via our 5 senses, everything is a delusion, but why would this lead the person in question to suffering? I cannot grasp at this stage in my understanding why it is so important to understand we cannot understand true reality, that everything is a perception?
Tom
You ask some interesting questions, and I can understand some of the confusion that might be arising as you attempt to put into context these difficult realizations. One thing that might help is to know that with meditation practice, the answers will become more and more obvious to you.
For instance, in the case of the bragging friend, you ask where there is suffering? When he brags, he creates his condition of joy by surrounding the object, lets say, physical strength. He associates "he is the man" or positive self with the notion of strength. With time, that strength decreases, because everything is transient and we all grow old and die. Because he spent so much time associating his strength with joy, his joy will decrease with his strength.
Furthermore, if he has convinced others that he is "the man" because he is strong, then he will notice that others no longer respect him as much if he weakens. His notion of self is less potent, because he invested himself in a "self" of transient qualities. Others might not be considering his strength, but it will appear as they do, because his mind will think everyone thinks like he does about strength. Does that make sense?
Another side quality that might arise is that he will have criticism for weakness in himself and others. This criticism will create distance and disturbances in his mind as he looks in the mirror and at "weaklings".
Another side quality that might arise is that as he brags about his physical strength is that he uses up space that could otherwise be used for compassionate sharing and wisdom. In doing this, he creates conditions that might lead him to think about superficial things, which keeps us trapped in patterns of unhealthy thought and action.
As you can see, even with a simple thing, there are many ways in which he would create suffering for himself, and I would guess that when one brags, they create most of these conditions.
As far as not understanding the notions of perceptions... its not that perceptions are false, its that they are incomplete, because they only represent one angle of a situation. As you sit in meditation, you learn to settle your view, which counteracts the slippery notion that "our way" is the "correct way"... Does this make sense to you?
With warmth,
Matt
Here is a more recent Ajahn Brahm talk about the same subject, must be a common question people ask him:
http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA#p/u/1/zSQI1e8D3Qo