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I am ugly. This is suffering.
I'm not good at explaining things. I really don't want to make a negative topic on this great board either. But I am suffering so much lately over this I just have to get it heard from someone.
For a long time I have been very concerned with my looks. I am ugly. This is at least the feedback I have got from others and so I have come to believe that myself. I am aware of how much this causes suffering. I feel like a puppet on a string as it influences everything I do. I look in the mirror and I see ugliness. My heart tightens and I feel hopeless. I don't want to live like this but I know my appearance will always be there regardless.
I don't know if I can ever be OK with the way I look. The vocalizations of others say they are not OK with the way I look. But there is part of me that says I don't have to be ruled by mine and the opinions of others. I want to be free from this suffering. Is there a way I can work through this? I kind of understand intellectually I have to let go, stop craving, accept. But in reality my reflection influences me more.
For a long time I have been very concerned with my looks. I am ugly. This is at least the feedback I have got from others and so I have come to believe that myself. I am aware of how much this causes suffering. I feel like a puppet on a string as it influences everything I do. I look in the mirror and I see ugliness. My heart tightens and I feel hopeless. I don't want to live like this but I know my appearance will always be there regardless.
I don't know if I can ever be OK with the way I look. The vocalizations of others say they are not OK with the way I look. But there is part of me that says I don't have to be ruled by mine and the opinions of others. I want to be free from this suffering. Is there a way I can work through this? I kind of understand intellectually I have to let go, stop craving, accept. But in reality my reflection influences me more.
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The Buddha taught the ideal (worldly) person has three qualities, namely, beauty, wealth & a good heart.
Of these three qualities, the Buddha taught a good heart is the most important. He taught even if a person is not beautiful, if they have a good heart, good people will love them.
But if they are beautiful & wealthy but have a bad heart, good people wish to avoid them.
Often we can witness famous people, like Hollywood movie stars, who are beautiful in body but have lives of extreme suffering & loneliness. This is because they have not developed a good heart.
So to develop a good heart is most important in Buddhism.
Kind regards
To add one more thought, beauty is natural for very few people, most people work very hard to get and maintain their beauty status. They sacrifice the food they eat (only eat healthy food), they spend countless hours at the gym, countless hours in front of the mirror making minor adjustments, they spend their resources on hair, clothes, makeup, soaps, lotions etc. If you want to improve your looks, you can. You will probably never be a Bradd Pitt or Angelina Jolie (not that I like those looks), but you can improve your looks if you want to. The question to ask yourself is will you be happier if you look more like your ideal image of beauty? (If so, work to approach that ideal image).
Having said this, I also have to admit that I struggle with letting go of my physical appearance... I am living in a foreign country right now where culturally, good skin is very very important, and I have acne. People (even strangers!) walk up to me and point it out!!! It's very hard to forget about it... I try to deal with it by focusing less on how I look, and the end result is that I walk around looking like a bum all the time, because I'm not taking enough care of myself.... I'm finding it hard to strike a balance.
From a practical standpoint you can find happiness despite your appearance. As others have stated the kinds of people who can be positive in your life are going to look past your appearance.
It sometimes happens to averyone of us:
The fact that you feel that others think you're ugly maybe because that's what you emanate. Not exactly in a physical way, but your energy can be negative and the perception that others have on you is negative.
Maybe the best thing to do is to stop focusing in your appearance and start doing it in your inner you. In the end, that's what other people percieve
- living in abject poverty, and starvation (some reduced to skin and bones)
- living in war-torn areas
- living with HIV-aids
- living with severe mental deformities
- living with severe physical deformitiies...
and suddenly we realize how fortunate we are.
There's some great advice given in this thread... and I hope you can bring yourself to feel joyful and peaceful.
this society has trained you to think very egotistically, and then trained your ego to expect to be very attractive.
you are not your body. if your body is not attractive, so what? in a way that is good because you do not cause others lust, which causes them suffering in many ways. people of the opposite gender will not be shy and egotistical when talking to you, as they often are when they talk to attractive people, or so I've noticed in my experience (when have you seen a guy be sincere when speaking to a beautiful woman). In a way this is a great gift! sincerity is much more valuable than lust. maybe you'll find that it's easier to become less attached to your ego than it would be if you were attractive. attractive people surely worry about becoming unattractive, which is inevitable.
now, even if your body is unattractive, it is still beautiful. think of how much time it took for the biological system of a human to evolve. cellular biology, the way your cardiovascular system works, the way your body extracts energy and nutrients from other organisms (meat, vegetables), your nervous system! they are all fascinating. of course, we're all going to die, but we can still appreciate it.
It is weird though because I have been meditating for about a year and a half. And I feel now these feelings are at their strongest. Just when I am seeing results in my practice. Maybe things are coming to the surface? Very strong feelings. I don't know how to handle them though and it is so easy to be overcome by them. Part of me says I am facing up to these buried fears in their raw form. Another just says I am losing my mental stability.
I am truly embarrassed about how many times I wrote "I, I, I... me, me, me..." btw.
:thumbsup:
It's all a mind game. "You have to be beautiful; to be beautiful you should buy this product and that product". People spend fortunes just to look sexy. Being called sexy and hot are actually complements. She is proud of her curves and he of his muscles. They even show that in the public television and try even harder to look more beautiful. Then there are "Who is the sexiest of them all" games where you can vote. If you get laid by one of those "sexiest" it is such an achievement. I can go on and on but I think you get the point.
Just let it go. It's not important. It looks as if it's important because the mainstream culture has made it sound important.
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Also, you're quite hard on yourself. I don't know if there's a way not to be, so I'll say just don't be. Looking inward in some respects may not be the healthiest option. Personally I am quite camera shy, and like you, do not approve of my image... but who really does. It seems everyone is quite obsessed with image.
Perhaps it would help to post a flattering photo in the lounge area, and then we can all say something nice about the way you look. Maybe have a think about something nice about a part of your body, like eyes or hands, knees or feet?
Reading your post has struck a chord with me, as someone who always have had a little voice in my head that says these sorts of things.
I hope you take the time to read this;
What is your goal? All things just are as they are, it's only through our minds we add emotional value to anything. An apple sitting on a desk, is only an apple sitting on a desk. It can't be beautiful, ugly, mishapen, perfect, sweet, tart, useful, or in the way until it is said (or thought) that the apple is such. Then, it's just a matter of perspective.
I have found, on my path, that if I strip my similar feelings down to the core. Take everything away except for it. (I can only do this in meditation) I comes down to being not the same as my ideas of someone else. I wish to be more attractive, have less matter on my frame, and be able to grow hair on that little patch between my lip and chin. (I know right? it's silly)
When I sit with those thoughts, I begin to see that it's just craving. Craving to be something different, but craving none the less.
When it is exposed for what it is, it's easy to release from it. The opposite of craving isn't satisfaction, it's gratitude. To put this into practice, when you look at yourself in your minds eye or your mirror fight the feelings of looking at the things you don't like and think "I am lucky I _____ "
For me, it started with, I'm so lucky I can grow a cool beard. (it's a guy thing) That sort of thing grows fast though. Now I'm completely released from the previous feelings. I'm sitting in a house, with a wife more beautiful then I deserve, with power and heat, internet, food, ect. I'm grateful for everything, and there is no room for my previous mindset to be here at the same time.
It's not easy to turn inward and pull apart your sufferings, but it's needed work if you wish to progress. Anything worth doing, is usally dressed in overalls and looks like work"
Vipassana meditation is very useful.
For example you mentioned that people "told you you were ugly and now you believe it." This means you are allowing things to distort your view. Did that first negative experience perhaps taint your view and result in you interpretting even more things in a negative light?
A woman got her hair cut short in the middle of winter and and the receptionist at the salon said "now you'll need to wear a hat!" The woman took this to mean that she looked horrible now... she had low self-esteem and this tainted and conditioned the way she percieved this situation. In reality, it wouldn't make sense for a receptionist at the salon you just got your hair cut at to intend a comment this way (terrible for business, I'd imagine), and what she actually meant was that with hair so short in the winter, she'd have to wear a hat to keep her warm now.
Most people don't walk up to a person and say "You're ugly." What was the first time someone said something about your appearance that you took as negative? Could it have possibly been interpreted the wrong way? Was the person stating an objective fact, or their opinion? What motivated their action and how might that have influenced what they said? We've all said mean things to people that we don't truly mean, for various reasons.
Also I would suggest exploring the assertion you made in the Thread title: "I am ugly; this is suffering." In reality, you will find that how you look isn't suffering, but your attachment to it and to what others think of you, etc. is suffering. This is what the Buddha taught. Through vipassana, you can begin to understand your own thought process, see things clearly, and release the clinging which is leading to the suffering you're feeling.
Nothing anyone can say will drastically alter your way of thinking or fix your problem over night. The work is up to you, and it does take work. Slowly, you'll be able to carry your insight into everyday situations. The fears and anxieties might very well still come up, but you can understand them for what they are, and not cling to them and allow them to control you.
Many kind wishes to you.
.
There are very few people on this earth today that are not suffering…usually it goes back (one way or another, for most every one of them) to not being enough.
Not enough for what?
Not enough to get our own self, off our own back. Lets face it.
I can remember a good friend of mine (girl), when we were in our teens saying that boys didn’t really like her for herself. They just liked her for her looks, and wanted to show her off to their friends that they were dating her.
Did she think "what jerks," and let it go at that? Well, no. She thought what’s wrong with me? Why don’t people like me for myself? (All too human.)
What all of us have to do, eventually, is become our own best friend. (Book: How to be your own best friend…came out many years ago, but a good one.) When you get to know yourself really well, you won’t be always looking around for other people to define you.
Believe me, “that is a nicer road to travel,” sweet person.
Warm Regards,
S9
Just sent you a PM.
B
Here's a strange point: I appreciate 'ugly' people because when I find myself noticing/judging someone's looks (in a not-good way), it helps me be mindful and be more compassionate.
Feel free to take after me: I don't think I'm any better than average looking, and I don't give a $h1t!
brian
Very often when we are not happy, we look around in our life and try to figure out why this is.
However, what we decide it must be, isn’t always the actual reasons. They may seem obvious at first sight, but the roots of our discontent go far deeper, and are way more subtle than that.
So what I am suggesting is, look deeper and find the roots of your discontent, or you may end up traveling in circles, thinking it is one thing and then it is another, and never curing the real problem. : ^ (
Many of us here have found that meditation practice is a great way to pursue this challenge.
Warm Regards,
S9
If I were blind... how would I perceive you? My heart cannot see your physical attributes, so what you tell me about yourself otherwise, matters a great deal! You are a winner already... you are that one sperm that won out over millions of others, tell me how wonderful you are otherwise, and let me paint my canvas from that.
Les
Although its true that beauty and ugliness are not of ultimate value, you are still a social being who deserves to feel good about yourself.
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back."
I am convinced you are more than capable of overcoming this fear and resentment you have.
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face-I don't mind it
For I am behind it
It's the people in front that get the jar." Woodrow Wilson
"To pursue appearances is to miss the source." Master Sengstan
All of the advice given above by others is good.
This one tries to view everyone as a bag of bones. As to not be distracted seeking the pearl.
i hate and cringe at the sight of myself in the mirror. i just feel pathetic and want to hide in a hole.
i'm not sure how i will get through this. i don't even want to meditate these days because all i will think about is how horrible i look.
I think I am unattractive. I know its subjective, but I'm been told this a lot of my life. Though, I found someone who has a thing for funky looking people. So, even if finding a mate is hard because you are considered unattractive, there's still someone out there for you.
But even if that isn't the issue... why would one's looks matter? I have come to grips with my unattractiveness because it doesn't really matter.
That's just my personal opinion.
i just find my reflection repulsive and feeling of worthlessness lingers everytime i look in the mirror or take a picture.
yes, it's silly but it's real to me. i wish i could magically stop caring... but i can't help it. =/
i just want to feel normal when i look in the mirror but i simply can't. i know i'm being harsh on myself but this reaction is just automatic for me.
Where would you want to be if you made it 'through' it? before you can negotiate the 'through', it would be useful to define the goal.
Meditation is harmless - ultimately the effects will be beneficial.
It seems to me that you have 2 choices at this stage:
1) Ignore it - find a hole - bury yourself.
2) Face it - resolve it - move on to the next one.
Step by step....
So our legs burn. Sometimes we get to rest after just one lap of the dojo and sometimes we stay low, with burning legs the whole session. No rest just burning pain.
When you are new what happens is you focus on the pain and all your kicks and blows and other movments does not get done correctly because you are occupied with the pain.
Then later on you realize... That no matter what I do the burning pain will not go away until I am allowed to stand up. And to the best of our knowledge that might never happen...
So then you start doing the other things, the kicks and blows correctly, and you try to stand straight in your stance and do things to the best of your ability since Hey what the heck if i am going to be in all this pain all the time why the heck not have as good a time as possible elsewise?
And when you do that you realise you slowly get better at your kicks and blows and you gain confidance and pride at your ability.
And lo and behold the pain is not so intense anymore because there is other stuff that you are proud you can do that is filling up your mind!
What do you think @pain? Is there not anything else that you would occupy yourself with during this pain you are feeling? I mean you can not just lie down and die. You have to have a good time. Learn new things. Perfect skills. Become rich? No?
/Victor
It's allright to be ugly. It's ok to look bad.
You might wonder why I say this.. First let me press that I don't mean this rude or anything. Let me clarify.
To overcome things we first have to see them, which is what already happened. But than we have to accept them, which is maybe lacking here. After that, we can let them go and see it's just appearance. Once there is the barrier of not accepting our looks -and thus ourselves- it will be impossible to take this last step.
I would recommend body scan meditation where you send loving kindness to the body. "Hi ears, I know you are a bit big. Hi nose, I know you are not so straight, you may be a bit hairy. Belly, you are somewhat thick. But that's all ok. Nice you are all here; I accept you as you are. May you all be free of suffering, free of pain."
The above may be a bit of a dangerous statement of me, but I hope it helps or at least provoces some new thoughts.
With metta,
Sabre
But let me say this. I am far from being handsome or even good looking. And, I had a cleft lip when born, so that scar from the surgery is quite noticeable. And, I got very thinning hair rather early in life. So, I am not in the image of Brad Pitt.
But I had a very successful life as a teacher, vice-principal, and principal. I have as many good friends as I want to have. I have had a relatively good social life. I'm single -- bummer -- but so are many beautiful people I know.
I think that perhaps the OP is obsessed with looks just a bit...a real attachment. They are what they are, and short of plastic surgery, go out and live life.
I'm still wondering to what extent this self-image is created in your mind. We had a member here who said he had a body-image disorder, where no matter how buff he got, he still saw himself as out of shape. (edit: body dysmorphia, like Fede said) If the problem is more along those lines, then a psychologist can probably help you. Or you can tell yourself your mind is playing tricks on you. This sounds like you need to work on your mind. And also, work on developing hobbies and interests. That makes a person more attractive. Attractiveness is more about a buoyant personality and a good heart. But you don't sound buoyant, you sound weighed down by this issue.
Also try keeping a gratitude journal. Every day, think of something you're grateful for. Your health. A stable job. The spring weather. Whatever. This trains your mind to focus on the positive. It can be very effective in turning people's mood and perceptions around. You'll begin to exude positivity.
edit: vinlyn makes a good point: life's worth is measured by how much we give and help others. That's what's truly rewarding. Focussing on compassion for others takes our focus off ourselves, too.
Just putting some ideas out there.
Consider how beautiful a face like yours would seem to such a person. Sometimes, it's just a matter of perspective: get the right perspective and suddenly you are "OK" with your looks, or whatever other people you imagine to be the real cause of your suffering. I daren't complain about my looks - my mother is blind so tends to remind me "At least you can see what you look like to complain about it!" which is true, I suppose. We rarely understand how blessed we really are.
Your looks don't cause your suffering: wanting to look other than how you are is the cause of your suffering. But since you cannot make yourself want things that are healthy for you to want, it is probably best that you focus instead on more positive things. Like learning how to show compassion to others, and maybe, if looks are your issue, finding out about how people who are facially disfigured or disabled in some way, cope with their situation.