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Some of the most beautiful people ever to touch me in my life were profoundly retarted with misshappened bodies and almost no abilities other than to stay alive. A smile from them meant more to me than from almost anyone else. They truly knew how to live in each and every moment as that is all they really had. Great teachers. Beauty is not about looks, just as wealth is not about money.
I haven't read all the posts, but how would you feel if you didn't have the thought "I am ugly"? The suffering is really in the thought; it's the thinking that makes us suffer.
And beauty really is subjective. I love girls with ginger hair and freckles, but some folk don't. I like my girls a little bit chubby, but some folk don't. I can just imagine a friend of mine saying "Fat 'n' ginger!", but that's what I like.
It's also lucky for me that some folk can see past the superficial too; these are generally the nicer, wiser people.
I love the character of a person's face. Every detail shines as an integral part of the perfect present moment.
So what if someone has a big nose or a large forehead? Balding scalp, pimples, beady eyes, fat gut, whatever. We are all people. No one should fear their physical form, yet we all do, Myself included.
These little insignificant attributes add character to our appearance. It's just the way human life IS. Try and be lighthearted about it. Whatever you see in the mirror, it IS IS IS IS IS IS IS! Love it! This may be challenging but it doesn't need to be.
I sometimes lament the idea of a futuristic world where people can alter any cosmetic aspect of themselves... we would all just be robots! The way were are shaped and formed is just the unique, beautiful expression of nature that we are fortunate enough to be endowed with.
Think about this: you have the ability of sight, you can see life's beauty all around you, you can hear beautiful music, the fascinating sounds of nature, you can breathe.
Yes, being tagged as "ugly" does lead to suffering. It doesn't matter that people say beauty is inside, because their every action tells you it's what is outside that people actually admire and want to take out on dates.
Today fat is the new ugly. At least in the past, a person might be rejected because of how they look but they weren't blamed for being born ugly. Now thanks to a well meaning but heartless public health campaign, if you're fat, perfect strangers glare at you and mutter about what a pig you are, and how you need to lay off the chocolate for a few days and don't you realize public seats are meant for normal, nonfat people? How dare you think you have the right to squeeze in next to normal people! And let's not get into how your fatty health problems are somehow costing normal people money.
Most people are cruel, darling. All we can do is seek out the type of people that don't judge by appearances. They're out there. If you want an uplifting experience, go stand outside a big store and watch the couples as they come and go. You'll be amazed at all the ugly people who have found someone to share their life.
I'm never going to turn someone on by wearing speedos at the beach. But we ugly people are actually in the majority. There's more of us than there are beautiful people. We've just been trained to suffer in silence and hide in the back of the room.
If you are ugly, you should consider why you are born ugly. The law of karma says that people with bad temper will be born ugly. And if you are stupid, you shd also think why? People who indulge in drugs and alcohol will be born syupid.
bcos it is simply untrue for 90% of the people. how big do you think is the industry that caters to the beautification of people. cosmetics, plastic surgery, haircare, skincare, the list is very long. get real, people care about looks.
Why, why, why can't some people get the fact that beauty and ....... yes ....... ugliness is generate from within?
At my accountants yesterday, I was greeted by a new receptionist. She was young and black with slimish build. What was remarkable was her freckles. Perhaps she had a medical condition as they covered 60% of her face and neck with dark, unattractive spots . My nine year old daughter stared reflexivly and I positioned myself in front of her and gave her the eye (which she picked up on). We sat down to wait and I told my daughter to wait while I went to the bathroom. When I returned, I found the receptionist and my daughter side by side on the couch while she showed her a selection of coloring pages she might work on while I spent time with the accountant. They were thick as theives and the smile on this young, overly freckled lady, was beautiful. Had she had become beautiful in my five minute absense? I thought of this thread...
bcos it is simply untrue for 90% of the people. how big do you think is the industry that caters to the beautification of people. cosmetics, plastic surgery, haircare, skincare, the list is very long. get real, people care about looks.
Why, why, why can't some people get the fact that beauty and ....... yes ....... ugliness is generate from within?
The kind of beauty that radiates from within is to do with character and personality, not the physical appearance. I am thinking now about charm, which is something that everyone can utilise regardless of how they look. There are some people that are utterly charming (again, of course this is subjective) that are not good looking by most peoples standards. Here is a picture of Paul Merton on the link: http://tvpixie.com/tv-listings/01-mar-2011-2100/bbc4/paul-merton-and-nicholas-parsons:-me-&-arthur-haynes I.M.O. and a lot of other peoples, whilst this guy is not 'handsome', he has a certain je nais se quois. And no doubt, or at least I expect, would he been able to have this je nais se quois if he had been too caught up on his looks. So, my point is this, on the face of it (pun not intended) I initially find myself disagreeing with @etherea, but when I actually ponder it a little further, I actually agree. Have you ever noticed how the likes of many beautiful men and women (thinking Hollywodd - actors, singers etc) seem to struggle through life (different struggles perhaps) just as much as those that aren't blessed with a stunning appearance? I don't believe there is a correlation between how good looking a person is and how likely they are to find a life partner for example. I.M.O I think one of the most beautiful women is Jennifer Saunders. Especially when she was in Absolutely Fabulous and wore what to a lot of people seemed like hideous outfits, I honestly thought she looked 'absolutely fabulous'. Very free. Now that, is beauty. A person that accepts themselves and all their quirks, wobbly bits, thinning hair, double chin, whatever it may be, and still feels 'free' to express themselves with confidence. http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltjjfbFHBb1qi696mo1_500.gif I have a podgy belly, which my husband endearingly calls 'Alan', and fat wobbly thighs with cellulite. Those haven't been named yet. It doesn't stop me going out dressed like a chandelier if I feel like it though. So, whatever your gripe(s) are with yourself, there is only one thing you can do, accept them. If, as in my case, you are overweight, then you can do something about that. Other people will 'follow your lead'; if you can find a way to exude some confidence about your appearance, you will find other people compliment you on it, regardless of how 'typically' attractive you are.
If you are ugly, you should consider why you are born ugly. The law of karma says that people with bad temper will be born ugly. And if you are stupid, you shd also think why? People who indulge in drugs and alcohol will be born syupid.
That is one theory, but some of us prefer to leave the "bad karma is cosmic punishment for being bad people in a past life" belief in the dark ages where it belongs. The monks a thousand years ago had no knowledge of genetics or even dna.
If you are ugly, you should consider why you are born ugly. The law of karma says that people with bad temper will be born ugly. And if you are stupid, you shd also think why? People who indulge in drugs and alcohol will be born syupid.
That is one theory, but some of us prefer to leave the "bad karma is cosmic punishment for being bad people in a past life" belief in the dark ages where it belongs. The monks a thousand years ago had no knowledge of genetics or even dna.
I'm going to say something negative about Buddhism (GASP).
We talk about Catholicism being slow to change, just as we talk about Catholicism still being in the Dark Ages. I'm not sure but what Buddhism, which is roughly a thousand years older, isn't even more slow to change. I'm not sure that's all bad, but I'm also not sure it's all good.
Thais tend to believe in the karmic situation Hermitwin in stating. You see it on a daily basis there.
you want a totally different perspective, didn't see it already mentioned. So I am considered attractive. No not model style by any means but generally attractive with no weight issues and looking about 5 years younger.
So I struggled with being seen as a status symbol in relationships. This was a very big deal in my marriage and I didn't realize it until I gained weight once. He was furious. I have been called stuck up, a tease and then had some pretty bad stories passed around about me for my looks. That was way before the stalker dude. I have basically been told in at least one job that I do not need a raise or advancement because I can just get married.
Now I am in NO WAY comparing this to my friends who struggle with weight or have facial deformities. I think their inner spirit shines through and makes the most difference. I worked with a guy who had a crooked mouth and no ears, he was deaf. He wore headphones and I can't tell you how many customers complained of him listening to music and we explained each time he was deaf, without ears you cannot have a hearing aid. Still the kids talked with him and he had a good rapport with all the customers.
So I struggled with being seen as a status symbol in relationships. This was a very big deal in my marriage and I didn't realize it until I gained weight once. He was furious. I have been called stuck up, a tease and then had some pretty bad stories passed around about me for my looks.
It's amazing what people will project onto others!
this sounds very stupid perhaps but ever since I was in my late teens i've been found attractive as a man.
I don't like it, especially since i've become a practisioner of the path. Too often I see ego/lust/urge to own in eyes that are looking at me. Can't have a normal conversation sometimes.
Furthermore there are expectations that come with beauty Too often women expect me to be arrogant, a party animal, sometimes mean, u know a macho lady's killer. Rich and succesful.
It doesn't take long for them to find out that i'm a not-so-career driven forest dwelling loner, This happens time and time again....
(Dakini is one of my heroines - not heroin - so I am not going after her rather I am pointing out that not all people are buoyant)
Ok so there is no buoyency. What now? Take a deep breath. Feel the moment. Body and negativity. Feel the hurting. What is this hurting? Why is it there? When you are speeding around sometimes there is no time to notice. But in hurting there is time. Because everything is not working any way. There are all kinds of techniques and ways to release. These are needed, but the negativity blares out.
That is where bodhicitta may come from. That sense that it hurts and it could be different.
The mind moves so fast barraging one. Trying to shut everything out just feels dead and cut off. As Victor said try to find things to keep busy. But not as a picture of what is 'got it'. I am good. Got it. Examine the experiences of sense pleasures endlessly failing to light you.
So sitting with difficult experiences. And something kindles you eventually and there is relief.
When you find flashes of relief wonder how that happens. Where is the relief? Is it in a thing?
Tell people how you feel. If you don't understand something or you are feeling let down tell them that if you can somehow.
If you're not buoyant because you're not well, that's another matter. I was just saying that having an upbeat personality helps draw people to you. Focussing on the positive in life can help turn a negative perspective around. Finding one thing a day you're grateful for, and keeping a gratitude journal is said by many to be helpful.
Some meditation and introspection as Jeffrey recommends may be called for.
There is a cost and benefit to every social behavior in life. If you can find happiness and contentment in being ugly, then by all means be ugly. Of course this comes with a cost; potentially social ostracism and a lack of romance might follow.
Or you could choose to improve yourself until you are not ugly anymore. Well it costs a little in the short term. Your self-worth and image will probably be low until you feel yourself start to improve. But the benefit will be (providing your personality is good) that you will likely be more socially accepted and have better luck romantically.
Protesting against the fact that people just aren't accepting enough is no use. It would be like petitioning against a thunderstorm.
@Dakini, that's from a western perspective of disease states. From the Buddhist perspective we are all not well. I know how it feels to be expelled from the 'mentally healthy' mandala. But the Dharma mandala only expels people who are not interested in awakening. Which is no one! Even if we feel ugly there is still an awake quality that wants to feel better. Everybody has Buddha nature. Three Lords of Materialism: sense pleasures, beliefs, and states of mind.
Yes, I see that, and I was saying that a lot can be learned from being as you are, it is always the place to start awareness practice. If you start from the beginning thinking that you have to be buoyant that is already painful reflections. . Of course there is an intuition that tells you what feels right. And if dancing in the rain is right in the moment that is fine. But there is no 'always' answer. Whatever you do go full into it rather than say welll I really wanted to do x but I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to do that. Just go full force.
Cat Stevens who is now a devout Muslim but formerly a folk singer:
If you want to sing out sing out and if you want to be free be free there's a million ways to be yes you know that there are
If you want to be you be you and if you want to be me be me
Comments
And beauty really is subjective. I love girls with ginger hair and freckles, but some folk don't. I like my girls a little bit chubby, but some folk don't. I can just imagine a friend of mine saying "Fat 'n' ginger!", but that's what I like.
It's also lucky for me that some folk can see past the superficial too; these are generally the nicer, wiser people.
I love the character of a person's face. Every detail shines as an integral part of the perfect present moment.
So what if someone has a big nose or a large forehead? Balding scalp, pimples, beady eyes, fat gut, whatever. We are all people. No one should fear their physical form, yet we all do, Myself included.
These little insignificant attributes add character to our appearance. It's just the way human life IS. Try and be lighthearted about it. Whatever you see in the mirror, it IS IS IS IS IS IS IS! Love it! This may be challenging but it doesn't need to be.
I sometimes lament the idea of a futuristic world where people can alter any cosmetic aspect of themselves... we would all just be robots! The way were are shaped and formed is just the unique, beautiful expression of nature that we are fortunate enough to be endowed with.
Think about this: you have the ability of sight, you can see life's beauty all around you, you can hear beautiful music, the fascinating sounds of nature, you can breathe.
There is always something to be thankful for.
Today fat is the new ugly. At least in the past, a person might be rejected because of how they look but they weren't blamed for being born ugly. Now thanks to a well meaning but heartless public health campaign, if you're fat, perfect strangers glare at you and mutter about what a pig you are, and how you need to lay off the chocolate for a few days and don't you realize public seats are meant for normal, nonfat people? How dare you think you have the right to squeeze in next to normal people! And let's not get into how your fatty health problems are somehow costing normal people money.
Most people are cruel, darling. All we can do is seek out the type of people that don't judge by appearances. They're out there. If you want an uplifting experience, go stand outside a big store and watch the couples as they come and go. You'll be amazed at all the ugly people who have found someone to share their life.
I'm never going to turn someone on by wearing speedos at the beach. But we ugly people are actually in the majority. There's more of us than there are beautiful people. We've just been trained to suffer in silence and hide in the back of the room.
The law of karma says that people with bad temper will be born ugly.
And if you are stupid, you shd also think why?
People who indulge in drugs and alcohol will be born syupid.
how big do you think is the industry that caters to the beautification of people.
cosmetics, plastic surgery, haircare, skincare, the list is very long.
get real, people care about looks.
Had she had become beautiful in my five minute absense?
I thought of this thread...
I am thinking now about charm, which is something that everyone can utilise regardless of how they look. There are some people that are utterly charming (again, of course this is subjective) that are not good looking by most peoples standards. Here is a picture of Paul Merton on the link:
http://tvpixie.com/tv-listings/01-mar-2011-2100/bbc4/paul-merton-and-nicholas-parsons:-me-&-arthur-haynes
I.M.O. and a lot of other peoples, whilst this guy is not 'handsome', he has a certain je nais se quois. And no doubt, or at least I expect, would he been able to have this je nais se quois if he had been too caught up on his looks. So, my point is this, on the face of it (pun not intended) I initially find myself disagreeing with @etherea, but when I actually ponder it a little further, I actually agree. Have you ever noticed how the likes of many beautiful men and women (thinking Hollywodd - actors, singers etc) seem to struggle through life (different struggles perhaps) just as much as those that aren't blessed with a stunning appearance? I don't believe there is a correlation between how good looking a person is and how likely they are to find a life partner for example.
I.M.O I think one of the most beautiful women is Jennifer Saunders. Especially when she was in Absolutely Fabulous and wore what to a lot of people seemed like hideous outfits, I honestly thought she looked 'absolutely fabulous'. Very free. Now that, is beauty. A person that accepts themselves and all their quirks, wobbly bits, thinning hair, double chin, whatever it may be, and still feels 'free' to express themselves with confidence.
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltjjfbFHBb1qi696mo1_500.gif
I have a podgy belly, which my husband endearingly calls 'Alan', and fat wobbly thighs with cellulite. Those haven't been named yet. It doesn't stop me going out dressed like a chandelier if I feel like it though. So, whatever your gripe(s) are with yourself, there is only one thing you can do, accept them. If, as in my case, you are overweight, then you can do something about that. Other people will 'follow your lead'; if you can find a way to exude some confidence about your appearance, you will find other people compliment you on it, regardless of how 'typically' attractive you are.
We talk about Catholicism being slow to change, just as we talk about Catholicism still being in the Dark Ages. I'm not sure but what Buddhism, which is roughly a thousand years older, isn't even more slow to change. I'm not sure that's all bad, but I'm also not sure it's all good.
Thais tend to believe in the karmic situation Hermitwin in stating. You see it on a daily basis there.
So I struggled with being seen as a status symbol in relationships. This was a very big deal in my marriage and I didn't realize it until I gained weight once. He was furious. I have been called stuck up, a tease and then had some pretty bad stories passed around about me for my looks. That was way before the stalker dude. I have basically been told in at least one job that I do not need a raise or advancement because I can just get married.
Now I am in NO WAY comparing this to my friends who struggle with weight or have facial deformities. I think their inner spirit shines through and makes the most difference. I worked with a guy who had a crooked mouth and no ears, he was deaf. He wore headphones and I can't tell you how many customers complained of him listening to music and we explained each time he was deaf, without ears you cannot have a hearing aid. Still the kids talked with him and he had a good rapport with all the customers.
I don't like it, especially since i've become a practisioner of the path. Too often I see ego/lust/urge to own in eyes that are looking at me. Can't have a normal conversation sometimes.
Furthermore there are expectations that come with beauty
Too often women expect me to be arrogant, a party animal, sometimes mean, u know a macho lady's killer. Rich and succesful.
It doesn't take long for them to find out that i'm a not-so-career driven forest dwelling loner,
This happens time and time again....
(Dakini is one of my heroines - not heroin - so I am not going after her rather I am pointing out that not all people are buoyant)
Ok so there is no buoyency. What now? Take a deep breath. Feel the moment. Body and negativity. Feel the hurting. What is this hurting? Why is it there? When you are speeding around sometimes there is no time to notice. But in hurting there is time. Because everything is not working any way. There are all kinds of techniques and ways to release. These are needed, but the negativity blares out.
That is where bodhicitta may come from. That sense that it hurts and it could be different.
The mind moves so fast barraging one. Trying to shut everything out just feels dead and cut off. As Victor said try to find things to keep busy. But not as a picture of what is 'got it'. I am good. Got it. Examine the experiences of sense pleasures endlessly failing to light you.
So sitting with difficult experiences. And something kindles you eventually and there is relief.
When you find flashes of relief wonder how that happens. Where is the relief? Is it in a thing?
Tell people how you feel. If you don't understand something or you are feeling let down tell them that if you can somehow.
Some meditation and introspection as Jeffrey recommends may be called for.
Or you could choose to improve yourself until you are not ugly anymore. Well it costs a little in the short term. Your self-worth and image will probably be low until you feel yourself start to improve. But the benefit will be (providing your personality is good) that you will likely be more socially accepted and have better luck romantically.
Protesting against the fact that people just aren't accepting enough is no use. It would be like petitioning against a thunderstorm.
Cat Stevens who is now a devout Muslim but formerly a folk singer:
If you want to sing out sing out
and if you want to be free be free
there's a million ways to be
yes you know that there are
If you want to be you be you
and if you want to be me be me
He's still Muslim, but now back to singing too.....
http://www.yusufislam.com/