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Any tips on how to deal with hurt and anger?

feefee
edited August 2005 in General Banter
Hi Everyone

I've had a difficult six months, short story is husband of 15yrs has been having affair for past two and a half years. Now they are "in love" and he's moaning to me about how he's doesn't have a good relationship with our son and that he's jealous of my good relationship with him (what is he on????)

Anyway, today I spoke to him and it just wound me up. I am so very angry and still very hurt (I found out about it six months ago) and I have tried meditating, tried to believe that the pain doesn't exist etc......nothing has helped. What can I do to get through this? It's like I take three steps forward and five back.

Help??

:rarr: :rarr: :rarr: :rarr:

Comments

  • RiverRiver
    edited August 2005
    I always try and figure out why it is that I am angry or hurt. If it is something that someone else did I just remind myself that I cant control what other people do. If it is something that I did that caused it I try and figure out how to avoid it in the future. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Your husband may have messed up your past, dont allow your worrying about him to mess up your future.
  • emmakemmak Veteran
    edited August 2005
    Fee,
    You are in a yucky predicament. I have no advice for you, but just wanted to say keep your chin up. Keep faith in karmic action. Be strong
    Carlia




    PS - Kick him to the kerb! ;)
  • JasonJason God Emperor Arrakis Moderator
    edited August 2005
    Short answer, realize that 'pain' is 'pain'. You are not 'pain'. Pain arises due to conditions. Take away the conditions, the pain ceases.

    In the long run, it's hard to say what you could do to help overcome this. Emotional pain is far harder to deal with than physical pain. One point is that he may be as deluded and confused as you. I don't mean that in a bad way, more of a perspective to catch your attention. You see, you are confused and unhappy right? Well so is he. He may have found another woman that he is 'in love' with, but does he really know what he is doing? Is he really happy? Is it your fault that he doesn't have a good relationship with his son, or is it his fault? He may be making up excuses because deep down he is feeling this unhappiness and guilt. He may be hurting you, but is he really 'intending' to hurt you? He probably wants to be 'happy' as much as you do. He probably thinks he is doing his best to make himself happy. To hate him for his foolishness doesn't do you any good.

    Emotions are insane. They are so powerful, so consuming, and they make you feel like 'you' are these 'emotions'.'I' am 'angry'. 'I' am 'sad'. In truth you are not these emotions. They just arise to stir up the mind. To help relieve yourself of these feelings you can try to see his suffering. That way you will have compassion for him because of the pain he is causing himself instead of seeing it as he is causing you pain. In reality he is hurting himself and the ways he is hurting himself is also hurting you. He is not out to cause you harm, it's just his poor choices and selfishness that are making him make bad decissions. He may think what he is doing is 'right' because of 'love' and 'happiness', but that is the trick the defilements use to make us do selfish things. It isn't your fault, and it is not all entirely his fault either. Emotions are deceptive and can make even the most upright and wisest of men become mere fools.

    Greed, hatred, and delusion infest our thoughts and actions. We must try our best to remove them, or at the very least minimize their damage. To hate him or be angry with him will only hurt you. That hurt will cause you to do 'bad' things as well. Now your suffering has become your husband's, as well as your son's. It's a cycle. You have to break that cycle. It may hurt, but you have to just be stronger than the pain. Find the goodness in you that wants all beings to be happy. Find that part of you that cares about all beings. Keep meditaing. Keep doing your best each day as it comes. These emotions are like the waves of a terrible storm. It rocks your boat and threatens to overturn it. Sometimes you may not be able to do much besides simply holding on. After the worst of it has past, then maybe your meditation and patience will have a chance to tackle the problem.

    I really wish I had better advice, but these things cannot be solved easily with a quick answer. The Buddha himself spent years in search of the way to free our minds from these intruders of greed, hatred, and delusion. He had patience and endurance, and these are the same things that we need to overcome them as well. Just remember that we are with you for every step forward you take, and we are also with you every step you stumble back.

    Brahmadatta http://www.accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/khuddaka/theragatha/thag-06-12-tb0.html

    Aghatavinaya Sutta http://www.accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/anguttara/an05-161.html

    Karaniya Metta Sutta http://www.accesstoinsight.org/canon/sutta/khuddaka/suttanipata/snp1-08.html
  • comicallyinsanecomicallyinsane Veteran
    edited August 2005
    Have you ever tried wearing out your feelings? Go find a punching bag, put some gloves on, and hit the bag until you can't hit anymore. Focus on why you are angry while doing it and keep hitting until you are just spent. Then meditate. After you meditate for a little bit do it again. Then meditate again. After you are exhausted close your eyes, breathe being mindful on your breathing, and then if that doesn't help do it again.
  • feefee
    edited August 2005
    I just wanted to say thank you very very much for your replies. I appreciate them so much.
    I will respond with more later.

    Thanks
  • SimonthepilgrimSimonthepilgrim Veteran
    edited August 2005
    No advice, Fee. No cleverness. Only thoughts of support and love.

    As a one-time fellow-sufferer from an adulterous partner, I can only tell you that we DO survive.

    May both you and your son find the peace and love that you both deserve.
  • AdianaAdiana
    edited August 2005
    Fee,

    I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I have never been in such a situation because I was blessed with being able to marry two great men that gave me my three children. I have been married twice and widowed twice, so I understand grief and anger. But, I have never dealt with an unfaithful spouse/significant other so I cannot relate to that. However, please know that I am chanting and praying for you and your son. May you both receive the peace and comfort you both deserve.

    Adiana :thumbsup: :wavey:
  • feefee
    edited August 2005
    Thank you all so much for your kind words.

    Carlia - he has been kicked to the kerb for sure. I wouldn't have him back now if he was the last man on earth and I was responsible for repopulating it.

    Elohim - thank you. Your post gave me a lot to think about and moved me to tears (a good thing)

    Simon - you know what it's like, and I am sorry you had to go through this too. Thank you for your support.

    Adiana - the idea that someone across the sea is chanting/praying for me and my son also moved me to tears (I'm a bit weepy at the moment). Thank you so much for your kindness. How awful to be widowed twice, but how wonderful to have found two very special men to share your life with.

    River - I am trying to move on and not let him destroy my future. Each day, I am trying to think less about it. Actually have you heard the song by Kaiser Chiefs called "Everyday I love you less and less" - it's quite appropriate (although not very Buddhist I suppose).

    Comic - I have been punching pillows. I used to do kickboxing and loved it, so I know how the physicality of punching something can help with emotions.

    It is so heartwarming to have loving thoughts aimed at my son and myself. Thank you all.
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