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The temptation of suicide..
I've been feeling suicidal for a while now. I'm 17, and I'm amazed I made it this far. When I was about 9 or ten years old I made a promise to myself that if things got any worse, I would kill myself. I never had the guts to do it though.
Now I keep thinking about suicide every day. It's not really for any reason; I just feel tired, like I could sleep forever. I'm just going through the motions everyday, and wishing I weren't alive. I don't want to hurt anyone, though,, or get bad karma...
Why do I constantly feel this way... and what should I do?
Now I keep thinking about suicide every day. It's not really for any reason; I just feel tired, like I could sleep forever. I'm just going through the motions everyday, and wishing I weren't alive. I don't want to hurt anyone, though,, or get bad karma...
Why do I constantly feel this way... and what should I do?
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Comments
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Their phone number is 1-800-273-TALK and they deal with suicide on a constant basis. Do keep in mind that while part of your issues are situational, there are also some biochemical issues going on as well. I'm not entirely sure what to recommend precisely in regard to Buddhist practice at the moment, but there are many positive practices such as loving-kindness meditation that can help turn your mind-state around.
Anyway, I hope things turn around for you and there are a lot of good folks on this site who may have better advice for you than what I'm able to offer.
Best wishes
_/\_
There is a way out, no matter how impossible it may seem.
suicide may seem tempting in extreme situations, but this is a highly delusioned state! when we come under the sickness of delusion we fail to see the joy in things. call the lifeline, and try to learn to love yourself and value yourself.... things are bad right now but they don't have to stay that way. a good way to calm your mind is to practice breathing meditation. try to focus on nothing but the breath. many thoughts, emotions, images and feelings will come to you, but do not give in to them. do not try to force them out either. concentrate on the breath, watch it rise and fall, try to observe it without any judgment of what's going on. this will not break the spell of your depression immediately, especially if as you say it's been working on you for nearly ten years, but meditation like this does have positive results that you can taste right away. and it is not always so hard to climb out of a hole as it seems. life is more valuable than death! stay diligent and persevere. it only takes a little time.
Hi starfishh
It is great you found here!
i was in a similar situation your age.
There are many possible causes, as you noticed.
But there is a way to feel whole again, for example:
Take care
PS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvh85Qd8us
- Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc
- Cognitive Neuroscience of Mindfulness Meditation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6Q0G1iHBI
- Quick Overview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCnB5i0ToUc
- The first video is a guided meditation that will help you with your practice.
- The second video shows how it's proven to help those with "anxiety", "depression" etc.. With even a little bit of practice you'll see the calming effect and start to realize that the problems were never there in the first place
- The third video gives you a little short overview of what it is, if you're too lazy to watch the other two like I was..
Please watch those videos and let me know your progress if you want any feedback or need any help.
Okay, Will you please think about this?
Killing yourself is kind of the FINAL act of this life. So, the choice to do that means there's not a damn thing left to try, it's like you've got nothing left to lose, why not just end it all, right?
Okay, so let's say you're at the point where you imagine you've got nothing left to lose, so how about the idea that you've got nothing left to lose so you might as well really get into some treatment and do this Buddhist training stuff, just to see if it might help a little. I mean REALLY do this stuff, not just kind of think about doing it or reading about it a little, etc. I mean really what have you got to loose. Hey, if it doesn't work, where will you be - back to it doesn't work, and nothing to lose, again?
Actually ending your life is the easy thing to do, kind of the cowards way out. Why not go out the hard way. Why not just give up control and drag you're sorry ass to a therapist and a temple/training center and give it to them for awhile, it's got no value to you as it is anyway! Just go and do what they say for awhile and see where it leads. Kind of like an experiment.
I mean, REALLY, if life SUCKS so much that you're just gonna kill yourself anyway, you've got nothing to lose by putting a little time into an pre-suicide experiment!!
:scratch:
I agree with the others. Do whatever you have to do to stop yourself from following through on the suicidal thoughts.
I was 17 too when I felt the way you do and almost took my life. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I didn't succeed. It gives me chills to think how close I came. What a horrible waste it would have been. It would have hurt my family and friends so terribly and I would have missed out on the happiest years of my life, which are right now, by the way.
The human brain isn't fully developed yet when we're teenagers and there is so much going on in there and so much rewiring happening that we're all practically insane when we're teenagers. I remember it so clearly. The suffering was unbelievable. So much pain and confusion.
And it's all completely different today, in my 40's. Completely different. I'm a brand new person. Not at all the person I was when I was 17. When I look back I can see how blurred and skewed everything was, how pointless everything seemed, how dark and heavy and never-ending it seemed.
But then I started to grow up and now the older I get the happier I get, the clearer and calmer and more grateful I get. Things change, starfish. You can have all the happiness your heart desires if you really want it. You've got the best psycho/social system of survival known to humanity right in front of you and all you have to do is read about it and/or download Dhamma talks to listen to.
In the meantime, please grab any resource available to you to stay alive. Do whatever you have to do to keep going because you're not always going to feel this way, startfish. With the right meds and Buddhism you'll be able to conquer absolutely anything. One day the dark clouds are going to part, the sun will come out and warm your face, and the bright blue sky will be crystal clear. You have your whole life to look forward to.
Sending love and hugs!
First, I too urge you to seek help through the suicide line or hospital. Also let people around you such as family or friends know how you feel. Ask for help, it seems you have carried this burden alone for a long, long time.
When a person is in a state such as you are, we can become so focussed on the negative feelings, we forget to consider the positive experiences we have in life and then everything appears bleak. I have found that some Buddhist practices can provide some respite and make things look better.
Contemplating loving kindness towards others and self, is one such practice. An approach I use that helps elevate my mood, is to think of someone who has greater challenges than I in life, and wish them freedom from danger, happiness of mind, happiness of health, and ease of well-being. I do it first thing in the morning.
Meditation on an ongoing basis will also help. It helps us become aware of the feelings, thoughts and experiences that underly the conditions you are experiencing. Some say you should only go to a teacher to learn how to meditate but the fact is, that is not always possible. There are also a lot of resources online to help you begin practice.
Again, I would encourage you to get help as quickly as possible. This can end.
Namaste
Paradoxically, I found death meditation very helpful for suicidal ideation.
i've also been there - i've felt suicidal before too but thank Buddha now that i have found the Dharma, i have realised that my suicidal feelings were very much a manifestation of my self cherishing mind. If we analyse ourselves by contemplation, we will find that the problems we think we have are really not problems. There's a good book by Lama Zopa Rinpoche, called 'Transforming Problems into Happiness'. I hope you will have the chance to look for it.
Another reason i stopped being suicidal was that if we did succeed in killing ourselves, we accrue so much negative karma by wasting our precious human life that we will suffer MUCH MUCH more than we think we're suffering now. So it doesn't end. If you're really pissed off with the world, then use Dharma to LEAVE samsara. Being stuck here aint no party.
Please take care and post here or email me wisdombeing@gmail.com - i'm concerned.
Much love,
Kate
How has it been? Has Buddhism helped you? Are you following any lineage?
Love
Kate
What I have noticed is that since for about a week I've been meditating everyday, I feel like I'm getting something out of it, though I'm not exactly sure what that something is but I know its there. I still feel like I have a long way to go though. I've barely delved into the finer points of buddhist teachings.
Not sure what you mean by lineage though.
Lineage means which school are you following... eg Thai, Tibetan.. theravadan.. Gelugpa..mahayana.. Kadampa.. etc.
Dealing with things better is a good sign. When we practice Buddhism, all our problems do not instantly change overnight. However, if you do the right meditations with the right motivation, you will find things changing fast.
If you want to talk further, i'm all ears.
love
Kate
Ok if you are practicising Zen, best to stick with that. If you wanted some other mantras, i would be more than happy to share them with you. For example, Tsongkhapa's Guru Yoga practice is for deep healing of the mind and creates peace without and within.
Anyway, let me know if you are interested.
love
Kate
just get up, clean yourself and come out the room is something that you can give to others in your family
smile with someone is you give happiness to another person
listenning to someone is you give your time to someone
clean your plate is you help your mum or someone in the house
make your bed is you help someone who has to do it otherwise
there are all sort of small things that you can give to others and if you think about that you can be happy about that
see how many things you can do just because you are alive
being alive is itself you are giving happiness to many others even if you do not know
SMILE
Having said that, I feel everyone has the right to take their lives when they please, as long as they don't have any debts to anyone, and, unlike many people, I am not going to be so presumptuous as to tell you that it's not the right decision for you. Pay back your arrears, say your good-byes and do what you need to do. Make sure you do it right, botched suicides are not pretty. Remember, down the road not across the street.
Nothing exists alone, in and of itself. It is not your life.
this is how i see your situation. i might be wrong.
you feel like you want to kill yourself. the reason is because life sucks sometimes. you have not killed yourself yet though. it is because you think there might be a better solution to life sucking.
taking that into account, you obviously have to either kill yourself or find a better solution. everyone on this board will tell you that there is a better solution. this is because buddha discovered his dharma only after going through the same shit you're going through right now! he decided that he would try to discover the one best solution to life sucking. and he did. so i recommend you endure life sucking while applying effort into learning buddha's dharma.
I PM'd you something that I can't write here.
Freedom of speech tho. Marijuana and psilocybin should be more available to the public than television and advertisements!
This appears as conspiracy to commit a federal crime. Do you want to go to federal prison for years? Please delete your last post, now!!!!!!
:eek::eek::eek:
Internet law is quite strict and unambiguous on these matters.
Frankly, I'm amazed you could recommend something so utterly stupid, by the way. Freedom of speech does not absolve you from responsibility.
"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." - Kierkegaard.
=/
People respond in many ways to drugs. Marijuana and shrooms can also give very negative reactions especially when one is already in a certain state of mind. Suggesting a suicidal person go out and buy street drugs which aren't even regulated is incredibly irresponsible. If you want to prescribe drugs then perhaps you should attend medical school first. You can say whatever you want, but try to be a bit more responsible and mindful about it.
Unfortunately, our friend questionful is very pre-med age and addicted.
Anupassi, i believe, implied that I gave little thought to my recommendations.
Freya made the claim that it is irresponsible of me to recommend a drug that might have negative effects on a person.
Brother Bob, I believe, implied that due to my youth I am ignorant.
I admit that it is somewhat irresponsible of me to recommend mushrooms without mentioning that some mental preparation is recommended.
However.
I believe that these drugs would be a very helpful tool to starfishh. I also believe that they do not present a substantial risk.
I know that most people hold opinions/views/ideas/stances on the matter of certain drugs that are not conductive to the advocacy of their use as tools. However, I believe that the holders of those opinions/views/ideas/stances are ignorant. They believe things about the matter that are untrue, and are unaware of things about the matter that are true.
I might make a thread regarding psychedelics where this could be discussed further without hi-jacking starfishh's thread.
My advice to the OP, however, is to consider therapy. I'd probably hold off on the psychotropic substances for now.
I was a habitual marijuana smoker up until recently and I had some really bad experiences with it.
I intended to provide information to clarify where you may be coming from. It's apparent that you already have had problems with drugs, from previous posts, and that you're pretty young.
It's not unusual for those of us at that age and with the habit of seeing drugs as somehow a good thing to attempt to justify that.
I've shared with you on previous posts that I used pot and many other drugs to self medicate to avoid the torment of my life for a very long time and that in the end it all came crashing down on me. It didn't and doesn't work!! I KNOW this from personal experience with over 30 years of drug use/abuse. Believe me I did and spoke the same way you present yourself here, regarding drugs. It's not new, every drug user I've ever met does the same thing. So, encouraging others to jump into that trap with you is not a good thing.
This goes for anybody here who thinks that using drugs to escape pain and suffering is a good thing to do. You're very mistaken and will know the painful truth in time.
Before I smoked, I was kindof depressed because of certain beliefs I held. Marijuana helped me see that those beliefs were incorrect. So, while marijuana is fun, it helps fight depression in another way. I'm not saying that you should be stoned all the time so you're not depressed. I'm saying that marijuana will change, in a positive way, the way you see things.
Brother Bob, I cannot argue with your 30 years of experience. However, your experience proves that a lifestyle of daily or close to daily drug use does not work. I didn't recommend to starfishh that he adopt that lifestyle. A doctor would not prescribe antibiotics for 30 years.
I admit that with marijuana, it is easy to use habitually, and that can cause problems. But I believe that right now, starfishh is better off using marijuana than not.
I think theres kinda a duality about smoking pot. Yes, it does change your perception. But when you have smoked pot for as long and as frequently as I have, you will notice that when your sober, things are a lot more clearer and you can think a lot more rationally.
Also, as I stated in my previous post, you can have a really good experience with pot. But you can also have a really BAD experience with pot. For example, when I smoke pot I am constantly worried about what other people think about me and my mind won't shut the hell up about it. I'm much better off sober.
The other problem with it is that as long as one uses the drug they're not dealing with the underlying problem(s) and those problems are continuing to grow and grow, as you already know!!
So, eventually the problems get sooo big that they overwhelm any small relief the pot may have been giving and the whole house of cards comes crashing down. Then what have you got?
You've made yourself handicapped by drug dependence you don't have any well developed coping skills and you're facing stuff that's ten times more powerful then if you dealt with the stuff a long time ago instead of using pot!
urges to Suicide!!! shit, how about when this happens. And I've seen this happen. People hitting the wall with no way of coping and choosing death.
It's not a good thing to encourage others to use this stuff. If you want to have a f...ked-up life, go ahead!! Just don't invite others to join you in the s..t hole!!
Thus, I take my advice from the Boy Scouts.
Sorry if I offended anyone.
I'd love to talk to you.
First of all, I mean that it changed the way I see things permanently. Not just when I was high. Of course, when I'm high, things are different than when I'm sober. But knowledge is permanent. This is the helpful effect. In other words, yes, marijuana can be a quick fix to things (it gets you baked), but it can also be a truly helpful, long-lasting fix (it helps you learn certain things).
I was a stoner for about all of 2009. I was smoking every day several times a day. Then I was put on house arrest for two months. I smoked only twice during two months. I'm sure you and Brother Bob understand the significance of a two month bar on smoking for someone who was used to the typical stoner lifestyle.
Before my house arrest, when I lived as a stoner, I didn't really think about my future much. I just liked smoking.
My two month tolerance break coincided with the learning of much of what I know about buddhist teachings (admittedly, not much). And I did some meditation during that time.
Now, when I smoke, it's not as great as it used to be. I don't see it as something I could base my life around. It's still fun, but like you, I get frustrated with it sometimes, now that I can reduce suffering with the help of dharma.
So I see marijuana as an old friend that did me a great service. I recommended it to starfishh so that it might help him too.
Brother Bob. what you say makes sense. But I have an issue with this: While you're high, it does distort what's going on. The other day I thought I might be affecting the plot of a movie with psychic powers.
BUT, when i first started smoking, it helped me see a lot of TRUTH. Now that I have found dharma, I have better means of finding truth, but someone with the level of ignorance that prevails in this society (like me before i started smoking) has much to gain from marijuana, imo.
I'm concerned about coming on to a public forum, accessible by impressionable youngsters, and presenting drug use as a good thing. It's not. This behavior is harmful!!! to the max.
Scolding, man, this tone is mild compared to the sharp reality awaiting anybody who chooses to follow the path of drug use/abuse. If my sharp tone in any way helps somebody reading these posts get a clear idea of what's in store for them by choosing this behavior, then I will use this tone joyfully and honestly.
If you use/abuse drugs you're setting yourself up for a really f..ked-up life, that's not imaginary. You're choosing to jump into a s..t-hole up to your neck with a guy that comes along every so often to tell you it's time to stand on your head!! (an old not funny joke)
I'm not good at making pleasing utterances toward harmfulness. I've vowed to end it and may do so with a very sharp sword, I'm not passive.
All drugs have potential negative side-effects. As a 17-year-old, I find it unlikely that you have an appropriate education to be qualified to be prescribing drugs, and to a person you know online through a paragraph's length forum post. I'm making the claim that encouraging self-prescription for constant suicidal tendencies to a person who will not be monitored by a doctor with an unregulated street drug is irresponsible. Do you disagree with this claim? It would be different if it were to be prescribed at a psychiatrist's discretion and he would then be monitored closely, but this is not the case with your recommendations. If something were to happen to a person who took your advice and didn't react well, would you be willing to take full responsibility? I have no doubt you were well-intentioned in your initial post, but it does not change the fact that you were also being irresponsible.
If a person chooses to try a drug as a spiritual tool when they're in a healthy state-of-mind to begin with, that is their choice to make, and an entirely different matter.
You're one tough cookie!
I understand where your coming from, but although it might have been helpful for you, marijuana is still a drug and I would never recommend a drug to someone whos depressed unless I was a doctor.
Brother Bob is better at it than I.
Being sweet may work with middle and upper class refined folks with educations. They have a very loud voice in Buddhism in America and around the world. I intend to bring the Buddhadahrma to the common folk and especially to those who suffer the most and create the most suffering for others, like the guy you spoke about. If I knew you then I would have offered that you invite me to VISIT with this person, I'm fairly sure I may have influenced him to wake-up and do the right thing or quickly move on to another place to do his harm.
I know how to do this, I trained in prison for 20 years.
However, I think, Brother Bob, that you are being overly cautious. You're claiming, "if this, then that". However, your "this" is drug abuse. I believe that it is possible to use marijuana in a healthy productive way. And that there is a gradient between healthy productive use and abuse. And if someone maybe indulges in it a little too much it's not a big deal. Your "this" is pretty far along the gradient. I'm not sure if I'm being clear because I wish I could draw diagrams to go along with my explanation, but basically what I'm trying to say is, Brother Bob is right to warn about the consequences of drug dependency, but that it is possible to avoid those consequences and still benefit from marijuana.
I mean, shit, maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.