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I'm naturally very negative? Anything to help me get rid of this?
I'm naturally VERY negative and have recently been trying my best to follow Tibetan Buddhism. I meditate, and everything. I focus on being positive as much as possible, but as soon as I lose focus or am around friends, which makes me lose focus. I'm negative again, or insulting. I need to concentrate SO hard, on being positive, in speech, AND thought. Will it eventually become natural to be positive?
I'm only 15...
I'm only 15...
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Honest but gentle. What I mean by gentle is the gentle caring wishes you have to be free of the burden of negativity!
Additionally I will say that negativity has some value it just needs to be tuned up a bit. It wasn't working how it was was it? It didn't feel good. It is important to recognize when something isn't working and thats what negativity is for. It is like a clear 'no'.
I told him I'd rather be pickled alive than attend.
Just be yourself and don't be "positive" just to be positive. Don't make yourself do things that don't fit you. Instead, read wholesome spiritual literature and try to examine your life every day.
Perhaps you're being pulled farther than you can stretch by activities and other people's expectations. Just learn to say NO to things that stress you overmuch.
It's the overly negative 35- and 75-year olds that need to get on their own last nerve. You'll be quite fine, I'm sure!
Hey, at 15 you are in the middle of that transitional phase between the comfy delusions of childhood and the stark realities of adulthood. I guess it smacks us all in various ways.
Things will get better when you see things as they are...
My only advise is don't put all your eggs in tibeten buddhism. Its really not for everyone and is thick with extra beliefs that may not be helping you out of the mire right now.
I would recommend some Ekhart Tolle podcasts and some Dalaai lamma books. Keep up with the meditation for sure!
good luck and cheer up!:)
Mat
You only took a few years to build these thinking patterns (conditioning) that lead to this negativity.
Your brain have created these conditioning to facilitate your day to day thinking.
Once you begin thinking in a different way, your brain will create new conditioning to facilitate this new way of thinking.
Think of it like roads.
Lets say your brain is the city planner, and you are the population driving the cars.
Lets say there was only a small country road between city A and city B.
For whatever reason, traffic began to increase between these two cities.
So, to facilitate the commute of the population, the city planners began to build a highway between city A and city B.
And while there have been much traffic on the highway between city A and city B, the traffic between city A and city C have decreased. So there were no incentive to maintain this road and it's condition got worse and worse.
Now the road from city A to city C is in bad condition, so it is difficult to drive on it (so it require all of your concentration).
Once you begin to increase the traffic between city A to city C, your brain, the city planner, will improve the quality of the road and create highways to facilitate the commute.
And since all of the traffic will be on the highway between city A to city C, noone will be using the highway between city A-B so it will eventually deteriorate.
of course city B was Negativity city and city C was positivity city.
So yes, it will be as easy for you to be positive as it is for you to be negative right now.
actually, this is pretty much what happen in your brain physically, this is called neural pathways.
You can even continue to develop this image by saying that if you nurture a city by developping the highways that lead to them, the city will grow bigger.
And suburbs are going to form.
Anger suburb, sadness suburb, guilt suburb etc... Reading about working out and working out by yourself at home is better than nothing.
But if you can, it's better to get a proper initiation to get started in the right direction.
Perhaps think about going to a 10 days retreat.
Vipassana retreats are given pretty much all over the world
http://www.dhamma.org/.
Many other are good to.
Direct your mind towards Buddhism instead. Learn Buddhism and be patient ... gradually you will find yourself moving out of the negative and into a more-positive frame of mind. ESPECIALLY, practice loving-kindness and compasssion, because it pulls you out of self-absorption (negativity goes hand-in-hand with self-absorption).
If you are practicing Tibetan Buddhism, you will find many different techniques for practicing loving-kindness, and if you find the trappings too much, move towards the teachings of Pema Chodron, which are more Western in flavor.
I agree with Mat ... Eckhart Tolle has some very good information, especially about the "pain body. Read him, absorb the information, then put it away. Because Tolle is very un-Buddhist: he has a strong "Me-focus" ... he is trying to help us fix our ego, while Buddhism aims at moving beyond our ego (no, not denying ego, not destroying ego, but taking a different perspective from anything Westerners can easily relate to).
Find some Pema Chodro teachings ... book or audio (try a bookstore or Google her name). Read/listen until you know it inside-out. I recommend the audio teaching "Getting UNstuck" as a starting point. She's a Westerner who has been a Tibetan Buddhist nun for decades, and she has a knack for putting things in sensible Western concepts yet still being true to Buddhism ... in ways that you can carry with you throughout your day, that are useful to gradually changing how you approach life. I speak from personal experience ... it WILL change how you respond, how you react, where your head and heart sit.
Above all, be patient with yourself. Be sure to include yourself in your practice of loving-kindness.
I am a negative person too, but I limit my negativity. I mean, i stopped insulting, and I stopped getting angry so easily. Took me a lot of time and practice to reach my inner calm(not completely reached).
My advice : meditate. Take time to sit, observe all thoughts that fly through your head without judging them, and erase them easily.
This practice makes you a little positive, but, tu maintain balance, you should keep a bit of your negative side. You know that pessimists are well informed optimists, right ?
P.S.: I'm 18.
The psychological research actually says that those prone to depression are both more pessimistic AND more realistic (seeing things as they are more clearly).
Saying, "They are nothing."
A jug fills drop by drop.
So the wise man becomes brimful of
virtue.
- Dhammapada
It took a *long* time after then to get me to the point I'm at now. I certainly am not 100% "cured" of it, but I've definitely come a long way. I really try to be aware of how I'm feeling and the way that makes me react. Sometimes I even find myself saying "in the old days I would have....", and not reacting at all. At other times something will happen and I can feel the blood rising in my face and my heart rate going up. And sometimes when that happens I react, or more usually, over react. And almost every time, later on, I realize how dumb that reaction was. It almost never (nay, it *never*) helps any situation to be reactive or over reactive. It always causes more pain and suffering for everyone. Learning to be aware of your propensity to react and be negative, or to insult, or to think the worst about any situation is the first step. By becoming aware, you automatically start to extinguish the behavior. It may take some time, but at 15 you don't have a lot of deeply ingrained patterns yet. You stand at the doorstep of adulthood. By learning to take command of your feelings now you'll be doing yourself and everyone you come into contact with a huge favor. I know that my negativity cost me dearly in friendships, job opportunities, and who knows what else. I regret that I didn't become aware sooner, but you can't know what you don't know. You seem to be at least one small step on the path toward learning how to conquer negativity. Best of luck in your quest.
Peace
Mtns
Palzang
Thanks, but of course I wouldn't be negative here when everyone is so kind! :cool:
Of course, this caused a lot of pain - not just discomfort in those moments of confrontation... but later, I would feel so guilty and regret everything I said. The voice in my head (my Self, I guess) knew it was wrong and knew this was NOT the path to happiness.
Most of my angst and pain as a teenager, Fire... and I think this might be similar to your situation... most of my unhappiness was me thinking, "why did I just say that?" or "why couldn't I have dealt with that situation more gracefully?" or "I should have acted more peaceful, then people would like me better."
I wish I could tell you exactly what happened, but eventually I started to have a lot more fun making people smile. I always feel amazing when I get a compliment or when someone shares a story with me (retail work brings a lot of random opportunities with strangers). So I started just saying everything that comes to mind that seems nice or neutral or fun. Instead of all the mean stuff.
For example, I probably compliment people 20 times a day working at a bookstore. They always perk up, put a spring in their step, and smile. Even if that's against Buddhism to "feed the ego" in a way, I think spreading happiness and a bit of warmth is WORLDS better than how I used to behave. And the best part is, I'm not faking it. It doesn't feel forced, I don't have to concentrate on it.
Maybe this will help you, Fire.. I don't know. I guess I feel a connection with you since I was a very snarky teenager and I felt for many years "I'm just too negative, it'll never stop."
Yes, I am still a nitpicker, I am still a perfectionist, but at least I'm way more of an optimist now than a pessimist.
Maybe try thinking about things that you do that make people happy? A laugh, a compliment, or just a few supportive words go so much farther than you'd expect.
Loving yourself includes loving all of the parts of yourself. Loving habits you have. Loving thoughts that you have. Loving the life you have. Love the feelings of guilt you have. And even love the problems you have. When you are able to accept yourself, you can begin to let some of this grasping go.
Namaste
Palzang
You have already received some really good advice, but I thought I would point out one thing that caught my attention:
You say that you lose focus around friends, which results in more negativity, I can relate to this. At your age, the people you hang out with will have a huuuuuge influence on you. What kind of things are your friends into? What kind of things do they talk about? Whatever it is, some of it will rub off on you, to be sure.
If you have bad friends (or as the Buddha calls them, "enemies in the guise of friends") you can be expected to speak and behave like they do. If you have good friends then you can be expected to become a wise, kind and virtuous person (which will be for your own and other's long-term happiness and welfare). Maybe in the short term it might seem like a good idea to be popular or cool, but these things may have their price to pay.
You might like to think that you are an independent individual capable of thinking for yourself (I know I like to think this way sometimes), but the truth is you are not, none of us are, we are totally conditioned. Make sure you choose your friends wisely.
All of the above is merely based on my own experience and reflection, it might not apply to your situation at all. If not, then never mind.
With Metta,
Guy
To Irris, thank you. I appreciate it a lot, that sounds a lot like me, as soon as somebody says something I can attack, it seems to happen. Although everyone says I'm getting better, I am doubting it. :P
GuyC- Thanks, lately I've just been trying to get myself together and avoid friends for a while, focus on getting everything straightened out and then see what I think, a great piece of advide if I've ever heard one!
Good idea!
OMG when i was 15 i was such an angry and depressed teenager i think i would have made the Buddha depressed!
Anyway - look, a negative disposition can be down to a few things.
1. Something is going on in your life which really doesn't sit well with you - this could be powerlessness, instability in your life etc
2. As you are 15 you maybe experiencing hormone inbalance as your body is going through changes
3. You may be suffering from depression medically
My suggestions:
1. Talk to a councillor - its great being in full-time education because all of the schools provide free councilling - take advantage of this when you can!
2. Starflower oil is great for hormonal problems, and try to cut down on caffine and sugar.
3. See a doctor, or try some Sepia (homeopathy)
Hope this helps xxx
Like it! Yep it starts with ourselves. Every tried to clean a window with a dirty cloth?
Yes I would agree. I am a teacher and where i work everyone is so negative and love being involved in the daily dramas. I was listening to a great podcast call 'A Quiet Mind' (highly recommend this!) called 'daily drama' and the author asked '"why do you take part in the drama?" and it made me wonder why i did. But it is so hard to not get sucked into the drama and the gossiping and the slander because its the lifeblood of the workplace and the dominate subject on everyones lips. I did try to not join in but then found i had very few friends. Best to leave unproductive conversations to the unproductive people, or if you have to be there just stay quiet and try and highlight the positive aspects (and duck when notebooks get thrown at you!)
See, I would like to see the Goddess Tara working in a call centre!
And it is sad that the person who deflects this sort of talk with positive reminders to be nice/quiet... that person is usually shunned a little. And being that person, I've noticed... people confide in you less with their discomforts.
I've found a bit of a middle-ground on this subject by listening to the gossip and nodding/laughing where appropriate, but not adding any fuel to the fire. That way people still feel comfy with me, but I can't be quoted on anything slanderous. Sometimes I admit I slip up and rant about a customer when I should just keep the complaints to myself.
Seems humans are hardwired to want to share stories and make other humans react the way we do. We want our feelings (of shock? judgement? disappointment?) to be justified in ourselves, so we try to get others to see/understand the same incidents and react the same way.
"Did you see the way that girl looked at me? JEEEZ!!"
"I KNOW, gosh, what is her PROBLEM?"
Such a small thing, but affirmation of feelings is so important to us. Unfortunately this often forms little dramatic cliques and causes unnecessary alienation between people/groups.
The term 'being kind' is very subjective and attaches meaning to actions and intentions which are inherently empty of any set meaning. It is like a farmer killing his horse when its legs are broken because he thinks he is being kind, but to others this may seem wrong and the question as to if you would kill your own child if they broke their legs comes up. Its all about how you perceive your own actions. My husband believes telling me the truth, no matter how much it hurts me, is good for me because it is truth and it needs to be known. I agree but at the time it does not feel kind! Its all about perception of the giver and the receiver. xxx
You are right. Many things are done in the guise of being kind when they are actually to benefit the person being 'kind'.
Perhaps we cant truly be kind until we are fully enlightened?
It sounds like your husband could do with asking himself jinzangs third question: Is this helpful? Maybe we could add: Am I trying gentleness first? too. Is it really the truth if it makes you feel hurt? Is something extra being added there? Some judgment, some false idea about who you should be?:o
This is the description of having kind intentions, not of kindness.
Having kind intentions is important but I think you should never underestimate the importance of skillful speech. The point of being kind is also to not hurt other people unnecessarily.