Irritation, Resentment, and Annoyance

nervy3314

I am having a problem - I am obsessing over a resentment towards someone who I no longer talk to or see, and rarely hear about. At seemingly random times during the day, something will trigger my anger; for example, I'll hear something and say to myself, "yeah I bet person x would do that, because they're so ignorant" or "damn, I am so much better than person x, they have no idea how pathetic and sick they are..."

It seems insane to keep bringing up the resentment against this person. After thinking about it, it seems that the only thing I fear is that other people will accept and like this person, not knowing that behind closed doors, in their personal life, they are egotistical, selfish, mean, ignorant, blah blah blah. It's as if I feel that there is some injustice in the world that this person is allowed to be accepted based on fake outward appearances without any consequences. I know that in order to feel peace, I need to let this go, but for some reason knowing that these thoughts are based in my mind and not in reality hasn't been enough to let me get over it. I am looking for some practical advice to just LET GO!!! I feel repulsed at the idea of showing compassion or love towards this person Help!

patbb

nervy3314 wrote: »

I am having a problem - I am obsessing over a resentment towards someone who I no longer talk to or see, and rarely hear about. At seemingly random times during the day, something will trigger my anger; for example, I'll hear something and say to myself, "yeah I bet person x would do that, because they're so ignorant" or "damn, I am so much better than person x, they have no idea how pathetic and sick they are..."

It seems insane to keep bringing up the resentment against this person. After thinking about it, it seems that the only thing I fear is that other people will accept and like this person, not knowing that behind closed doors, in their personal life, they are egotistical, selfish, mean, ignorant, blah blah blah. It's as if I feel that there is some injustice in the world that this person is allowed to be accepted based on fake outward appearances without any consequences. I know that in order to feel peace, I need to let this go, but for some reason knowing that these thoughts are based in my mind and not in reality hasn't been enough to let me get over it. I am looking for some practical advice to just LET GO!!! I feel repulsed at the idea of showing compassion or love towards this person Help!

My advise is:

Don't focus too much on the "why" you are doing this.
(so you get stucked in endless thoughts, one thought leading to another, now you even add the concepts of justice and fairness into the mix... this behavior is always very likely to be completely fruitless).

instead, just know that you do this.

see what it does to you when you do this.


the 4 ways of letting go by Ajahn Brahm who can explain things far better than i could.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USC5MJVZLy8

shenpennangwa

Is this a person you used to be in love with?

Mani

This may not be the first thing that comes to mind, but it can be useful to dedicate merits gained from daily practices or or other things you may have done. Dedicating the merits helps them, as well helps you to plant the seeds of compassion towards this particular individual. This comes from more of a Mahayana perspective, but I find it is a good practice, especially in dealing with someone you do see more regularly.

Whether or not your feelings towards this individual is true, it may be good to first realize that this comes from your own view and perspective (even though some others may feel the same). Regardless, it is a good opportunity to see not only this persons suffering, but yours as well! When we can understand easier how we all suffer in many of the same fundamental and basic ways, we can see that in these ways we are not so different, and it becomes easier to feel some compassion for them.

Many great Masters say that in this way, our enemies can become our greatest teachers...

Dazzle

Hi nervy3314,



You might find that this talk on Metta (loving kindness) practice is helpful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixmba3jAEEk


Kind regards,


Dazzle


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aMatt

I suggest practicing tonglen with this person. Pema Chodron speaks of this practice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwqlurCvXuM

With this person, you might think of his mental afflictions as the suffering, and comfort from those afflictions or a settling of those on the outbreath. This could help you past this very quickly, helping you see how much this person suffers from these "egotistical, selfish, mean, ignorant" and so forth.

With warmth

Matt

Really

Oh Nervy I know exactly what you are talking about and I too waste presious time feeling irritated and resentful and annoyed about quite a few people who I think have harmed me and others and now seem to be happily doing well and enjoying praise and admiration while I struggle to get by. It feels like an endless conveyor belt I can't get off even when I think I have.

Irritation, Resentment and annoyance are all flavors of anger. In Buddhism the antidote to Anger is Patience.

I am working on this problem by contemplating No time to lose a commentary written by Pema Chödron on Shantideva's The way of the Bodhisattva.

First Shantideva spends alot of verse on how pointless and harmful to yourself and others anger is which I didn't find all that helpful because as you have expressed very well above We already know.

But then he says this which i did find helpful

There is nothing that does not grow light
through habit and familiarity.
Putting up with little cares
Ill train myself to bear with great adversity.

This is to do with the patience that comes from reframing our attitude towards discomfort.

Tonglin as mentioned by aMatt is a good way to sit with uncomfortable feelings without repressing or letting them run rampant with obsessive thoughts and of becoming mindful and familiar with what is going on.

Dazzle

aMatt wrote: »

I suggest practicing tonglin with this person.

Although information about Tonglen can be found on the internet it really shouldn't just be practised by anyone. Tibetan Buddhist practices needs some offline teacher input . I've known of cases where people tried practising it who were of a nervous disposition and who already had emotional difficulties then becoming convinced that they had actually been breathing in the sickness and suffering of others.... Thus making them extremely worried and even more disturbed than before attempting the practice.

This is why I suggested Metta practice as a safer and effective option.



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questionful

This poor person you speak of feels sooo much sadness inside. Maybe not when you can see, but he/she feels sorrow, desperation, dissatisfaction, and lives in constant fear. Yet it is possible for them to feel at peace.

fivebells

Cultivation of metta makes more sense than cultivation of compassion (tonglen) in this case, anyway, even absent the risks Dazzle notes.

aMatt

Fair enough assessment on both of your parts, metta seems to be an easier practice for you both?

It seemed to me an arrangement of dissonant thoughts, rather than a lack of loving-kindness intentions. Anyway, thanks!

With warmth,

Matt

fivebells

Not easier, probably harder. But more to the point.

Jamithicus

What helps me, when I feel angry or resentful, or feel that somebody has harmed me, I try to think about why I am feeling those emotions. As you get closer to understanding and rationalizing the emotions you feel, you may find that you become detached from them, and can get on with cultivating universal loving kindness:).

If you think about it, that's what counsellors often try to do, merely trying to encourage understanding and rationalization through their calm professional, and detached manner. Hope I helped .

nervy3314

Patt, I'm so glad you posted that link to the series. The part about how people are held accountable by their karma, so there is no need for me to involve myself in their fate was *really* helpful. Thanks!

KillBuddha

Nervy, there is always injustice in the world and we need to be mindful of how we reaction to it. We often derive our response from our own, sometimes hidden, predispositions about right and wrong. This clouds our perception and increases our suffering.

Consider your feelings for this person a symptom of a deeper emotion. This is a good opportunity to use the feeling you have to get a better understanding of the source of your aggravation. If you meditate on it, try embrace the negative feelings and try to strip them away one by one.