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Dealing with Violent confrontations
This is a question that's been bugging me for years. I remember when I was younger, in my early teens in a shopping centre with my mom. Some guy who was really pissed off and in a hurry, shoved my mom and then got angry when she gave him a look as if to say "what did you do that for?". I was really mad but didn't do anything, not out of patience but out of fear.
When you're an adult, things change. Failing to defend your dignity is one thing, but when someone insults someone you love, someone you're supposed to protect, what do you do? Is it cowardly not to respond, even if you know you could end up getting seriously hurt or killed? In that situation, it's suffering for my loved ones and me that someone does something like that and hurts our honour. Forget about me and what I feel, but others have a sense of pride, and I know Buddhism teaches that having a big ego is no good but surely there is some pride and honour in everyone. It's what makes us human isn't it? Without it, what would we be? On the other hand, if I confronted the dude, he looked like a psycho, and I could get killed, which would create more suffering for loved ones. I dunno man, is it sometimes better to live on ones feet rather than die on knees and live in fear?
Jesus turned the other cheek when he was insulted, but what if it wasn't him that was insulted but his mother? I mean, he got real mad when he felt that people were using the house of God to make profit, and he flipped the tables over. If he can defend the honour of God, what about other people?
I'm not talking about when someone you love is in any physical danger but when they get humiliated.
Also, what about strangers and physical danger? Let's say I happen to see a confrontation which escalates into violence and someone is getting hurt badly. As a Buddhist, is it my duty to step in and do something? Yeah I could get hurt or killed myself but should I stop myself from being so attached to this life and just do something. I mean firefighters, soldiers etc risk their lives to save others, should everyone live this way?
This may seem an immature question or whatever but seriously, this is a serious question for me.
When you're an adult, things change. Failing to defend your dignity is one thing, but when someone insults someone you love, someone you're supposed to protect, what do you do? Is it cowardly not to respond, even if you know you could end up getting seriously hurt or killed? In that situation, it's suffering for my loved ones and me that someone does something like that and hurts our honour. Forget about me and what I feel, but others have a sense of pride, and I know Buddhism teaches that having a big ego is no good but surely there is some pride and honour in everyone. It's what makes us human isn't it? Without it, what would we be? On the other hand, if I confronted the dude, he looked like a psycho, and I could get killed, which would create more suffering for loved ones. I dunno man, is it sometimes better to live on ones feet rather than die on knees and live in fear?
Jesus turned the other cheek when he was insulted, but what if it wasn't him that was insulted but his mother? I mean, he got real mad when he felt that people were using the house of God to make profit, and he flipped the tables over. If he can defend the honour of God, what about other people?
I'm not talking about when someone you love is in any physical danger but when they get humiliated.
Also, what about strangers and physical danger? Let's say I happen to see a confrontation which escalates into violence and someone is getting hurt badly. As a Buddhist, is it my duty to step in and do something? Yeah I could get hurt or killed myself but should I stop myself from being so attached to this life and just do something. I mean firefighters, soldiers etc risk their lives to save others, should everyone live this way?
This may seem an immature question or whatever but seriously, this is a serious question for me.
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Comments
Happy?
I think if you set aside all the worry about honor, maybe you could see that rushing man in a different way? What if he wasn't an asshole at all, but a man who was having a terrible time, suffering and self-involved? What if he had no mother to love him at all? Is it still so easy to see him as an adversary?
I don't suggest you get on your knees and let someone kill you, but look deeply into what you are defending... and what from?
Turning the other cheek isn't really about other people. By turning the other cheek, we set ourself on a path where we become happier. When someone calls you a name, by letting yourself see them as people who are agitated, you allow yourself to be happy no matter what people are saying. Having enough self-control to withstand petty insulting/rushing is the highest form of honor.
With warmth,
Matt
It's simple, really.
(PS: 'Simple' does not mean 'Easy')....;)
It's easy to be nice to people who are nice to you, but those who are having a rough day, rough life, angry all the time etc... are those who could use a smile and some kind comments the most.
But as far as violence goes, I think your first priority should always be to try and prevent anyone from getting hurt.
As far as honor goes, there is more honor in being mature enough not to care about what an insecure person tell you...
As mentioned by Federica being mindful, skillful and compassionate is the key.
Would there be another way to respond that would not include a full assault? Could you have said something without being confrontational? That would seem to me to be the most skillful way to handle things. It would have relieved your suffering, that is for sure.