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A hard question to ask

mikaakimmikaakim
edited June 2010 in Buddhism Basics
Firstly a softer one - I was told sometimes I should think of myself, rather than doing only what others want, and I'm not sure why, isn't 100% unselfishness the best thing?

Now the hard one - I am think, although I love, with all my heart my wife, would the greatest act of compassion be for me to leave her, If i truly believed she would be happier with someone else? I do not say this lightly, but I have not been the best husband, never hurt her physically, but have had an evil tongue at times, and have said things I know hurt her to this day....

After a week of dissolving myself in Buddhism I have learnt one thing over and over again and that is doing the right things, and acts of compassion are the best thing, even if they are not good for you!

This would be the greatest act of compassion I could offer her...

I really feel I owe you guys and gals something, i'm just not sure what yet...I'm hoping in time, I can help someone on here, the way you have all helped me..

Thoughts?

Comments

  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited June 2010
    mikaakim wrote: »
    Firstly a softer one - I was told sometimes I should think of myself, rather than doing only what others want, and I'm not sure why, isn't 100% unselfishness the best thing?
    Some people want what is harmful to ourself or to them. Generally, it is advised to allow the Dhamma to be our guide to appropriate behaviour (rather than 'unselfishness').
    Now the hard one - I am think, although I love, with all my heart my wife, would the greatest act of compassion be for me to leave her, If i truly believed she would be happier with someone else? I do not say this lightly, but I have not been the best husband, never hurt her physically, but have had an evil tongue at times, and have said things I know hurt her to this day....
    Only you know if your wife could leave you for another so easily. Often, a woman has fierce loyalty and does not leave a husband so easily.

    My advice is you confess to your wife for your evil tongue, request her forgiveness and promise you will make an effort to end your evil tongue.
    After a week of dissolving myself in Buddhism I have learnt one thing over and over again and that is doing the right things, and acts of compassion are the best thing, even if they are not good for you!
    True compassion is good for you. An evil tongue is bad for you.
    This would be the greatest act of compassion I could offer her...
    Only if she wants it. She may not want it. She may prefer you change and be reborn as one with a kind, gentle & considerate tongue.

    Kind regards

    :)
  • ValtielValtiel Veteran
    edited June 2010
    1. Do a forum search on "idiot compassion." Putting everyone else ahead of yourself all the time isn't healthy. Sometimes, too, what people want isn't what's best... Sometimes we misinterpret enabling for compassion.
    2. No. It's your wife's choice to stay with you. Appreciate that she's been there for you despite what you may have done. Be compassionate by changing and treating her well and show her she was right to stick with ya. :)
  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    edited June 2010
    Hi Richard,
    mikaakim wrote: »
    After a week of dissolving myself in Buddhism I have learnt one thing over and over again and that is doing the right things, and acts of compassion are the best thing, even if they are not good for you!

    This is a false dichotomy, it is impossible for compassion NOT to be good for you. Real compassion is beneficial for yourself, it is beneficial for others, it is beneficial for both yourself and others.

    I haven't really added anything new with this post, but I think the point needs to be emphasised. Self sacrifice is a very Christian idea (the concept that Jesus died on a cross to save us from ourselves) and it appears to me that you may have carried this cross (so to speak) with you to Buddhism.

    I hope you don't mind me being blunt about this, its just the way it appears to me after reading several of your threads.

    With Metta,

    Guy
  • Ficus_religiosaFicus_religiosa Veteran
    edited June 2010
    You say it's only one week since you discovered Buddhism. This tells me, that you are in a phase where a lot of things are uncertain, and you have a lot of questions. You question a very basic part of you life - religion. Being a Catholic earlier (if you are decided?) and going to church, religion is also more important to you than a person coming from nothing to Buddhism. As you find your new path and answer some of your initial questions, new ones will come to mind. Suddenly what you thought was "just" about one religion or the other, becomes a doubt of your whole existence where your achievements and former choices are all taken up and looked upon form a new angle.
    This is perfectly normal when we arrive at turning points in our lives. Kierkegaard said, that we accumulate experience, which suddenly initiates a whole new view of the world.

    Do yourself and your family a favor, and try to keep your thoughts and wild ideas to yourself until you're sorted. Ask us here, or others on other forums or your trusted friends. Think about what you are, where you are, what you have and where you want to go. The key-word here is you. It can be a long process, and try not to do anything radical which you might regret once you arrive on "the other side" of your development crisis and see things clearly in a new light. Ask yourself free of guilt, but do also answer yourself free of guilt - and with compassion. Be skillful
  • ValtielValtiel Veteran
    edited June 2010
    Ficus_religiosa wrote: »
    Do yourself and your family a favor, and try to keep your thoughts and wild ideas to yourself until you're sorted. Ask us here, or others on other forums or your trusted friends. Think about what you are, where you are, what you have and where you want to go. The key-word here is you. It can be a long process, and try not to do anything radical which you might regret once you arrive on "the other side" of your development crisis and see things clearly in a new light. Ask yourself free of guilt, but do also answer yourself free of guilt - and with compassion. Be skillful

    :uphand:
  • SherabDorjeSherabDorje
    edited June 2010
    "and acts of compassion are the best thing, even if they are not good for you!"

    No. Wrong.     You need to have at least as much compassion for yourself, and treat yourself just as compassionately as you would anybody else. You, too, are a sentient being in Samsara, and deserving of as much compassion as anyone else. Besides, you need to take good care of yourself in order to be of maximum benefit to other beings.
  • aMattaMatt Veteran
    edited June 2010
    Dhamma Dhatu wrote: »
    My advice is you confess to your wife for your evil tongue, request her forgiveness and promise you will make an effort to end your evil tongue.

    Richard,

    DD's suggestion is certainly a deeply compassionate path. You sound like you've slipped into a "Richard is a dumbass" phase of self-examination, where your disgust at your unhealthy patterns is a little overwhelming. You're in the process of changing!

    Just from hearing your posts, you have a lot of good qualities. Its ok that you have some weird ones, you'll get more skillful with practice. You could ask your wife how she feels about your tongue during your confession. Make room to see how she sees, it could be felt as even more loving than even confessing.

    With warmth,

    Matt
  • SherabDorjeSherabDorje
    edited June 2010
    Idiot Compassion

    http://karmayogini.wordpress.com/category/chogyam-trungpa-rinpoche/
  • patbbpatbb Veteran
    edited June 2010
    great advices all around here.

    may i suggest to see yourself as you see others instead of un-selfishness.

    thread yourself with as much love and kindness as you do someone else, equal.

    you are not more important, or less important than someone else.
  • amandadawnamandadawn
    edited June 2010
    I don't know a lot about Buddhism yet, definitely not enough to give advice, but I know in therapy I learned that you can never really know what's best for another person, and it's not your right to make that decision for them.

    I used to want to kill myself, so my family and friends would no longer be burdened by me. That's just the extreme version of what you're saying.
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    edited June 2010
    for me to leave her...This would be the greatest act of compassion I could offer her...

    I would have to say I disagree. The greatest act of compassion you could offer her is to become a good husband with a kind tongue.
  • DisneyDisney
    edited June 2010
    Real compassion is beneficial for yourself, it is beneficial for others, it is beneficial for both yourself and others.
    Well said GuyC :D Thereafter drop the beneficial as well to accomplish the wholesome :) the lovesome, just disney :D:D:D
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