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Looking for thoughts on dilemma, wants and desires that go unfulfilled
Hi everyone,
I'm new here. I've been interested in Buddhism for a while now. I've been reading books by the dalai lama as a way to learn more. They blow me away I'll be reading and have these wonderful epiphanies.
My question is about dilemmas. I have a situation where my happiness is at odds with my family. I told them my decision and now they're not speaking to me. I haven't done anything wrong morally. I can't accept that neither side will be pleased. How is a situation like this dealt with?
Please i know I've described my problem here but I think it would be useful to others to discuss it in broader terms too.
Thanks
I'm new here. I've been interested in Buddhism for a while now. I've been reading books by the dalai lama as a way to learn more. They blow me away I'll be reading and have these wonderful epiphanies.
My question is about dilemmas. I have a situation where my happiness is at odds with my family. I told them my decision and now they're not speaking to me. I haven't done anything wrong morally. I can't accept that neither side will be pleased. How is a situation like this dealt with?
Please i know I've described my problem here but I think it would be useful to others to discuss it in broader terms too.
Thanks
0
Comments
I also know that when when people act in ways I don't like or appreciate, their motivations are about their issues, not about my issues. In reacting to a decision of mine, they may feel somehow threatened or unhappy because I didn't act the way they wished, which is NOT my problem directly.
I must make the decision I am comfortable with and willing to live with. If another's opinion of that decision is important to me, then I must factor that into my decision.
Cheers, Thomas
They're against my choice of partner. There is nothing wrong with her but she isn't from their community. They think that she'll make them look bad in the eyes of their wider family and friends. It's easy to judge them now and say they're wrong but that doesn't stop them feeling betrayed by me.
I want them to accept my choice and be happy or at least be friendly to me but it won't happen. So I'm having to choose between two equally uncomfortable outcomes.
But the idea is this: If you make a decision that everyone likes, great.
If you make a decision that everyone hates, that's okay to.
The idea is that regardless of the decision, and regardless of the reaction of other people, you can do it with a smile on your face.
Like a divorce. You can let go of hatred, jealousy, anger, sadness, self pity, fear etc... and still believe that it would be better to end the relationship.
So you can divorce with a smile on your face regardless of how your partner feels about it.
And you can divorce with love in your heart, kindness for your partner even if you choose to divorce him.
Or a job. You can decide to leave your job with anger, resentment, fear in your heart... but as a Buddhist, you understand that this only hurts you.
So you can leave your job with peace in your heart and a smile on your face
As a Buddhist, we try to treat all as our kind mothers. This does not, naturally, mean that they will reciprocate.
It is sad when a family cannot accept another member's choices. Perhaps they fear you are making a mistake and will be hurt. Not much you can do when family is enmeshed and mistakes that for loving acceptance. Sorry to hear it.
anatomical,
How old are you? Do you live at home with your parents? When you are living with parents, it can be much more difficult to endure a silent treatment, as you can be surrounded by a perception of anger and resentment in your family.
If you are not living at home, then the best thing is to be patient with your family. Realize they are experiencing fear very directly, and that fear is causing them to act unskillfully toward their son.
Depending on culture, many families put pressure on their kids to marry in their class and ethnicity... and those rigid expectations were probably put into your parents from a very early point in their life. Those rigid walls can take a long time to erode. Their pain is something you can help them with by remaining loving toward them even in the face of their aggressive "betrayal." Just remember that its not about you, its about their rigid thinking about what you should do (as a member of the family.)
I'm sorry your relationship has brought some struggles with it, finding a connection with a partner is something to rejoice in, not condemn!
With warmth,
Matt
patbb and FoibleFull:
How do I go about learning this skill? It's so hard to do in practice. I get that suffering is caused by clinging to stuff.
The whole situation is such a strong reminder that the world is imperfect.
What makes the world 'imperfect' is things, occurrences, events, incidents, which go against things as we believe they should be, or want them to be.
We impose our perceptions and desires upon something, wanting them to be any other way than they actually are.
When matters do not conform to our desires, we consider them 'imperfect'.
They are nothing of the kind.
What is 'imperfect' is our perception.
Culturally, it makes sense then why they would feel betrayed. Obviously, you are not betraying them. Following your compassion is the only way that will make any sense. Living with them, patience is more difficult to practice, but is still the way. Do you think that with time, their aggression will diminish? If so, then just love them, and time will heal the wounds they are inflicting on themselves by turning their back on you.
If it seems the aggression is getting more and more pronounced, then you might have to be proactive. I don't know them, so I can't help there. However, if you remain contemplative that they are acting out of fear and anxiety, it might be easier to remain compassionate, and therefore skillful.
Good luck,
Matt
The classical lover's dilemma. Difficult to give any advice, because for the advice to be sensible one would have to know the people involved somewhat better. Some parents move from rejection to acceptance over time, especially when encouraged, other parents will be more obstinate. Apparently, you are dealing with a wall of conditioning which is always a delicate task. Good luck with that.
Cheers, Thomas