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Just Another Anger Thread.
Hello, all. I am new here, but I have been searching for a forum like this for a really long time. I just never took that time to sign-up for any or find any that suited me. I do think this one will be just fine though.
I have a problem here. I know that I'll probably get some sort of "Anger does nothing to help. Let it go." answer, but that is rather hard to do and I feel that I want some sort of closure about the whole thing.
Let's start some introduction. I am sixteen years old; male. There's not much more you need to know about me, really. I'm sure it'd help, but I do not think I'm that unnatural of a person.
I had a friend, who's sister is quite...mischievous, to put it lightly. Her and his parents are very, very biased and monstrous in their manner. The father is intimidating just to be around and I've had experiences that would let my guess that he's not the nicest person around. The mother is very much like her daughter (or the other way around if you care about that whole "the latter resembles the former" debate) in that they love to cause all sorts of trouble just because they're both very loud and seem to love the fact that no one can "touch" them. My father has a slight-friendship with the woman (for what reason I can not really understand). I had no real problems with them until the end of this school year. It is currently the summer here, for those who are interested. The daughter decided to rally up the other grade-school students on our bus. Then they would collectively scream (or shriek. They were so high-pitched of yelling.) on the count of three. It lasted for a thirty-minute ride home. The bus driver would do nothing about it. The driver allowed this girl to jump around the bus, CRAWL over the seats, spit and kick the high school students, etc. Knowing that our school district most-likely didn't have their cameras on, so a group of us took a video to tell the school board what happened. It was over, mostly, after that. I am disappointed that the woman did reappear to drive our bus. She was such a safety liability. Even the man who's in charge of our school district said that the video was outrageous.
I went to let my dog outside today and it started barking because some kids were outside. I went off the deck and started to walk over to it because I do not care for it to make excessive noise (as another dog does it and I know I do not like it personally). As I was walking, I noticed that my friend (who'd moved out because he was finally 18 and his parents were overbearing)'s sister and a younger girl were playing in the rain puddles behind our house. I stuck around while trying to get my dog to go up onto the deck. I do not trust her, and it seems rightfully so. Once they could not see me again, the two of them started throwing "crab apples" into my neighbours pool, giggling the whole time. It was only time before they started launching them into my pool as well, along with one in our yard and hitting our deck and probably our house as well.
I absolutely HATE causing conflict, which also pains me because I hate it when things like that happen and no punishment comes to them. I maybe should have scolded them? I'm not sure. I am absolutely sure no word of "kindness" would have made her randomly change her ways and become a nice little girl. This isn't a biblical story of any sort, after all. I was just curious as to how you guys would handle this problem. I will not call the cops as it is such a small thing, but it is similar to the kid throwing the rocks at another kid to see how close he could get without getting in trouble in Lord of the Flies. I have to deal with this little girl in summer Marching Band as well, so I'd not like to cause a big conflict. I feel so powerless because she is so young and there's nothing anyone can seem to do apart from wagging their finger at her and saying "No, no." I know her parents will not do anything. When shown video evidence of her acts on the bus, she threw a fit that her daughter should NOT have been video taped and that you cannot see her clearly at all; it could have been another girl. Which is just a bad lie. It was obvious as to who it was.
So, I've rambled on quite long enough. I just really needed to vent, I think. I do not understand why children who act out such like that are so...encouraged, it seems, to continue to do so as they cannot get into any trouble. Augh!
Thanks for the opportunity to rant,
Feverfew.
I have a problem here. I know that I'll probably get some sort of "Anger does nothing to help. Let it go." answer, but that is rather hard to do and I feel that I want some sort of closure about the whole thing.
Let's start some introduction. I am sixteen years old; male. There's not much more you need to know about me, really. I'm sure it'd help, but I do not think I'm that unnatural of a person.
I had a friend, who's sister is quite...mischievous, to put it lightly. Her and his parents are very, very biased and monstrous in their manner. The father is intimidating just to be around and I've had experiences that would let my guess that he's not the nicest person around. The mother is very much like her daughter (or the other way around if you care about that whole "the latter resembles the former" debate) in that they love to cause all sorts of trouble just because they're both very loud and seem to love the fact that no one can "touch" them. My father has a slight-friendship with the woman (for what reason I can not really understand). I had no real problems with them until the end of this school year. It is currently the summer here, for those who are interested. The daughter decided to rally up the other grade-school students on our bus. Then they would collectively scream (or shriek. They were so high-pitched of yelling.) on the count of three. It lasted for a thirty-minute ride home. The bus driver would do nothing about it. The driver allowed this girl to jump around the bus, CRAWL over the seats, spit and kick the high school students, etc. Knowing that our school district most-likely didn't have their cameras on, so a group of us took a video to tell the school board what happened. It was over, mostly, after that. I am disappointed that the woman did reappear to drive our bus. She was such a safety liability. Even the man who's in charge of our school district said that the video was outrageous.
I went to let my dog outside today and it started barking because some kids were outside. I went off the deck and started to walk over to it because I do not care for it to make excessive noise (as another dog does it and I know I do not like it personally). As I was walking, I noticed that my friend (who'd moved out because he was finally 18 and his parents were overbearing)'s sister and a younger girl were playing in the rain puddles behind our house. I stuck around while trying to get my dog to go up onto the deck. I do not trust her, and it seems rightfully so. Once they could not see me again, the two of them started throwing "crab apples" into my neighbours pool, giggling the whole time. It was only time before they started launching them into my pool as well, along with one in our yard and hitting our deck and probably our house as well.
I absolutely HATE causing conflict, which also pains me because I hate it when things like that happen and no punishment comes to them. I maybe should have scolded them? I'm not sure. I am absolutely sure no word of "kindness" would have made her randomly change her ways and become a nice little girl. This isn't a biblical story of any sort, after all. I was just curious as to how you guys would handle this problem. I will not call the cops as it is such a small thing, but it is similar to the kid throwing the rocks at another kid to see how close he could get without getting in trouble in Lord of the Flies. I have to deal with this little girl in summer Marching Band as well, so I'd not like to cause a big conflict. I feel so powerless because she is so young and there's nothing anyone can seem to do apart from wagging their finger at her and saying "No, no." I know her parents will not do anything. When shown video evidence of her acts on the bus, she threw a fit that her daughter should NOT have been video taped and that you cannot see her clearly at all; it could have been another girl. Which is just a bad lie. It was obvious as to who it was.
So, I've rambled on quite long enough. I just really needed to vent, I think. I do not understand why children who act out such like that are so...encouraged, it seems, to continue to do so as they cannot get into any trouble. Augh!
Thanks for the opportunity to rant,
Feverfew.
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Comments
As I can see, you are surrounded by some nasty type of people. It's "well done" thing that you spotted the problem in time, but take a break, take a deep breath, and start looking for the most efficient solution to deal with them.
First problem of yours, that family. Don't try to stay near them. Try to avoid them as much as you can. As for your father, having a slight friendship with that woman, it's his business.
The second problem of yours, those kids...If they behave like that, their "leader" should be "punished" by one of you high-school students ( c'mon, I believe that the kids are younger than you, and one student of your age can easily put and calm down a kid like that).
The third problem of yours, with the the deck and "crab apples"( I don't know what the heck are these, I live in Romania) is that you should scare the girls a little. I don't know how will you do that, but just do it.
The fourth, with the justice that is not done. What I said and what I will say, will sound like the opposite of buddhism, but , in some cases compassion doesn't work at all. You'll lose if you are compassionate in those situations.
What you need, is deep understanding about your problem, or problems, and start solving them.When you understand the problem to its last detail, and when you understand how those people's minds work...Then you should act.
With those kids, for example, in my country, if a grade-schooler (meaning 9-13 years, as age,I don't know, maybe I need details here) kicked and spitted a high-schooler, the latter would beat the s*it of of that kid. Well, I do not prefer to do that, but when it happens to me (it happens, but I don't get spitted and kicked) I use to patt the kid on the shoulder ,meantime pressing a weak point that is above the clavicula...on the muscle. I press that point, until the kid sits down and doesn't say a word while I'm in the area.
P.S.: The last advice will sound like cr*p, but dunno...maybe it'll work .
I do try to avoid that family, like you said. They're not very pleasant. The problem is my father likes to plan things that I'm forced to deal with them. For example, I cannot yet drive (my parents will NOT take me driving so I'm dependent on them) so I needed my parents to come get my from the school after we were in Florida for a week. Instead they had that woman bring me home without asking me. I didn't say anything and did not cause a problem, but it's really frustrating that they continue to do things like that when I cannot stand them.
You're correct. We're much older than them and if we weren't so hounded by the structure and officials here, we'd probably do something to stop the events. In most cases though, if we did anything to stop it, officials such as police would be on our tails faster than anything else and we'd be arrested for sure. Additionally, I do not fight. I don't even like talking to children. Hahah.
I thank you for replying with your solution. While I don't think that they are the best for my situation, I think that looking for more understanding as to what the whole deal is will help. Also, I might just yell over at them to stop it next time. I need to be more courageous, I suppose. I liked that your advice wasn't just Buddhist-sounding. It made it more practical and realistic than just spewing out a quote or two.
Luckily I just calmed down after going inside and ranting to someone.
About going home with that woman, in her car...think it this way. Your mental perception of her, the way you portray her , makes it look like she will devour you. Get rid of that image, just act as if you were her equal and at the same time respecting the age difference between you and her.
The best way to get rid of those kind of fears is get rid of the wounds they create in your mind. When you're done with the healing you should be able to handle them with ease.
To me, this sounds like your issue is twofold. The first is the actions of the girl, who is obviously acting like a thorn in your world, bringing pain of some kind to the table. The second is how you are obsessing over the behavior of another person, as though her behavior belongs to her, like a stain upon her face.
This girl seems to be a prominent phenomena in your world. On one hand, cleaning crab apples out of your pool isn't fun, but is that worth trading your peace of mind? What it is about her behavior on the bus that pulls your mind into her world, trying to figure out how to "deal with it"? If I see a child misbehaving, I feel compassion for them, knowing their actions will bring them pain.
This isn't to say you should be acting in any specific way, but when you devote your attention to this situation, I suggest you look at why you're sucked into it, rather than how to change her behavior. You're not her dad, her guide or her sibling. In the case of the crab apples, what prevented you from simply asking her to please stop doing it?
Sometimes, when we are getting scratched by the events in our world, rather than looking for a way to cut them down (say, with a katana for instance) its best for us to learn how to not press our face up against a thorn bush. You could also read it as "not your job" or "karma will help her eventually" so feverfew can relax and just watch. Or read a book. Or pet your dog. There are millions of other wonderful things in the world you can experience without needing to try to untangle the troubled sister of a friend, and in the process lose peace and happiness.
In correlation, these behaviors are not that unusual for someone who doesn't get the right kind of attention at home. Kids have to discover how to be balanced, and it takes a lot of effort. If parents aren't helping much, either by neglecting or indulging her, then she is at the mercy of her maladaptive behaviors, tons of hormones, and immaturity. I can imagine it would be sad for her to be so miserable and upset that she would bounce and spit. I wonder if you put some effort into seeing her compassionately, perhaps some metta practice, you might be able to relate to her more skillfully.
In the mean time, just noticing how much energy she inspires in you should be enough. I wouldn't try to interact directly until you find some peace. Otherwise you'll be acting in a way that isn't helpful for either of you. In my opinion, of course.
With warmth,
Matt
Matt, I really do understand what you're saying. Normally I wouldn't have let it bother me at all, apart from the fact that I do not think it should be acceptable, Buddhist or not, to throw things at peoples' houses and furniture (if you can call those furniture. :crazy:). I didn't tell her to quit it because frankly her behaviour never ceases to surprise me. Maybe it's my curiosity, but she knew I was watching her the first time and I was astounded that they would continue to keep up in the behaviour after knowingly being watched. What was stranger yet to me was that after they threw yet another one, she promptly blamed it on someone that wasn't even at the scene. Maybe this was some sort of guilt on her part?
I've tried to be nice to her, actually. Her brother always called her a little demon, and I always told him he should be nicer to her as I wished I had a younger sibling (I have two older sisters). I even went with them one Halloween to help her trick or treat. So I've tried being nice to her and it went off well enough. Normally I would not have let her behaviour on the bus bother me. She and her followers were so loud that when we got off the bus it was almost as if she damaged our hearing, temporarily anyways, which is where I think the line should be drawn.
I should try to be more proactive in these situations. I have a long history of silent pacifism in situations on confrontation of any sort, which is hard to unprogram. Usually I just shut up and watch them until they're done doing whatever they're doing to harm me, as I cannot talk well in those positions and it does no good anyway.
I told my father what happened so that he would at least know what was happening and he acted...not favourably. When he got home he gave me a great big sigh and demanded to know what happened as if I was the one that threw things about. I told him I didn't want to talk about it if it was going to cause him to talk to me like that. I only makes me feel like some sort of snooty gossip. Which isn't who I am, at all. I really don't have a big head, though it probably sounds like it. Ah well.
Thank you for your advice for next time. I suppose I was right in not letting myself do anything physically. I just need to be...stronger of mind.
Edit: Oh, by the way, nice thorn metaphor. I once heard a quote about instead of covering a whole thorn-patch with a tarp, just cover that which you will cross as otherwise you will get exhausted. Or something of that sort. XD