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anger
I'd like to get your thoughts on anger. Anger is a natural human emotion, as is joy, curiosity, disgust, shock, love etc.
If we feel anger because of a percieved wrong doing or something...by telling ourselves that anger is stopping us from experiencing happiness, doesn't that in itself create an aversion to anger? And a clinging for happiness?
Isn't it more in line with buddhism, that we do not cling/desire happiness, nor do we want to avoid unpleasant experiences such as anger, but instead, learn to accept the moment, exactly as it is, and practise to behave in a way that is non-harmful? Isn't that compassion to ourselves, and to others, in learning this?
So, instead of flying off the handle and leaking out harmful words and actions because of our aversion to the sensation of anger, we allow the anger to just be there, which, in time and practise, we can learn to express our anger if needed, in a non-harmful, compassionate way??
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
If we feel anger because of a percieved wrong doing or something...by telling ourselves that anger is stopping us from experiencing happiness, doesn't that in itself create an aversion to anger? And a clinging for happiness?
Isn't it more in line with buddhism, that we do not cling/desire happiness, nor do we want to avoid unpleasant experiences such as anger, but instead, learn to accept the moment, exactly as it is, and practise to behave in a way that is non-harmful? Isn't that compassion to ourselves, and to others, in learning this?
So, instead of flying off the handle and leaking out harmful words and actions because of our aversion to the sensation of anger, we allow the anger to just be there, which, in time and practise, we can learn to express our anger if needed, in a non-harmful, compassionate way??
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
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Comments
I think that's a good way to look at it. The first stage is to cultivate mindfulness, noting these emotions as they come and go, without making judgements. We don't have to become the anger, we can just observe it.
P
Certainly in the beginning its best to simply not act with our anger. When all else fails, not doing any more harm is a good first step.
In your example, a progression of awareness might look like this: First, you get angry and fight back. Next, you get angry and just notice your anger. Then, you just perceive the wrong doing without getting angry. Then, you just notice the feeling of being wronged. Then, you just notice the doing, without feeling wronged.
It goes further, but do you see the pattern? There is no repression, only penetration, insight and understanding. People who suppress their anger or any emotion will likely pop blood vessels in their skull.
With warmth,
Matt
So, through practising mindfulness, observing the sensations of anger/perceived wrong doing, and then the urge to fight back, keeping in mind the value of doing no harm, we over time are able to do it all a bit more naturally, like learning to ride a bike....it becomes a little easier over time.
Currently I have a percieved hurt, and I have an urge to 'make things right', which I'm aware is ego...I have moments of understanding, in which I feel a certain freedom...then I also have moments of getting really hooked in to the hurt/anger, and my mind carries on like a pork chop, I notice my body getting tense, my breathing getting quicker, and the urge to fight back gets stronger. It requires constant effort really, so I'm finding, but it's definately worth it. Through the moments of understanding, I get the motivation to put in the effort...
I have this ego voice booming at me that says "it isn't fair how they treated me, that I am getting the blame for their harmful behaviour" and with that comes this strong urge to clear my name...get them to understand the impact of their actions...so that others will know I am not as bad as the person who did the wrong doing....What a saga! My ego is clinging clinging clinging, and it's arguements as to why I should do such things, seem soooo convincing!
It's nice to be able to share it here, so I can take a step back and have a laugh at the trickery of this mind!
Sar
Yes, its gets easier over time. As you notice the anger and just sit with it, you dissolve the ego, which is what is turning your willpower into anger in the first place. So its not really like it takes more and more effort (will) over time, but as you dissolve the ego, less of your willpower is turned on you in the first place... while you also have more willpower rooted into compassion.
Its a great equation that much skillfulness can arise from, it just takes some effort. The beginning is really the hardest in my opinion. It can become much more painful down the road as you get to the roots of your hatred, but once you know what is happening, it is only pain, not suffering.
With warmth,
Matt
Yes, and in a way the trick is not to take the mind quite so seriously, recognising it's all just stuff which comes and goes.
P
Agreed. However, if one can truly accept the moment as it is, what is there that is left to be angry about? I can't think of anything myself. Therefore, one does not need to "get rid of anger". All one needs to do is stop the clinging that gave rise to the anger and when the clinging stops the anger stops by itself.
The thing with anger is that our body is designed to use it only in extreme situations, like all stresses, it is a huge stress on our brain and if active for long period of time, it will cause significant neuro-degeneration.
It's the one and only thing the Buddha advised us we should kill.
Good point. Going to the root of the problem.
P
Sar
Anger is like a fire. It hurts you more that it hurts others.
Why do you need the others to give you approval? They stroke you and you purr. They make disapproving noises and you are disappointed. They are responsible for their acts and you for yours. You crave approval and are not at peace with yourself.
Life is like this. You do what you can, take a deep breath and step back.
If you just relax into the anger it disappears.
.
I'm really, really struggling with anger at the moment and this post is almost exactly what I'm experiencing and feeling. Thanks, Sar. I don't feel so isolated and 'bad' anymore. I mean, I know almost everyone struggles with anger issues during their lives but it was very helpful to read a post that expressed my current experience so closely.
I've got to get a wholesome handle on this anger.
Oh, Dazzle. LoL! That's exactly what I needed. I tried to follow what the others were describing, the process of 'penetration, insight and understanding' as Matt put it so well, and on a better day I'd be able to wrap my mind around it and use it. But right now I'm so consumed, so overwhelmed with gut corroding rage that I need something that requires almost no thought...just helpful action. Thanks.
P.S. I'll be by the site later this week. I've set some 'me time' aside next Wed. and Thurs. and this time I'm sticking to it.
Thanks to my Sangha, practice, and the Buddha's teachings through the writings of the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh thought I see this more as a welcome challenge to practice being mindful, practice breathing, and practice understanding and compassion and so (like anything else) after embracing the process and focusing my practice on being less angry and simply letting go I have noticed a HUGE improvement over the past few weeks.
Yes I still tend to get angry at times but the feeling does not burst out like a leaky pipe anymore and I now tend to be more calm and reflective about whatever the situation is that produces angry feelings in me.
It also helps that aside from my focus on mindfulness, I now exercise each morning, run about 3 miles and so by the time my day starts I feel pretty energetic, yet calm and collected.
So my advise is to find whatever method works for you but the key is to EMBRACE it and to PRACTICE it consistently before you actually need it. Like any skill being mindful, calm, collected needs to be practice so that when you NEED this skill you can simply do it without thinking.
Ivan
Thank you for the kind words. I hope you're feeling better, and that coal hasn't burnt your hand too bad!
With warmth,
Matt
I'll look forward to that, Brigid dear.
.
Anyway, in my opinion getting angry in a situation is only doubling the problem and causing yourself and those around even more stress/suffering. Anger can make you do stupid things, actions you would never normally dream of doing in a normal situation. When you can be at peace and let the reason for you to get angry in the first place pass, so will your suffering.
Referring to dependent origination, anger is produced in the mind by an external event. Just as seeker wonderfully stated, the grasping at something is the cause of the anger in the first place. Once we have a profound and deep understanding of DO, we can prevent delusion, clinging and suffering and cultivate happiness from within the mind and not from external sources. Any 'happiness' you feel from an external source, such as watching TV or having sex is not pure, it is not true contentment. It only lasts a certain amount of time, normally a very short period of time and if you study it closely it is never true happiness.
When someone is angry at me I like to be peaceful and talk in a calm and slow manner. This counter acts the heated and irrational nature of anger in my opinion. If not then I simply say nothing at all and leave them to contemplate their actions and words. After they have expelled their rage, people normally regret doing anything under the influence of anger and have their furious words fresh in their minds.
Saying this, you have to find a middle way because you should not let people use you as a door mat and take advantage of you.
regards, tom
I'm new here.
Part of the reason I got back into Buddhism was because I was majorly struggling with anger (my dad and brother are major rageaholics, at least that’s the hereditary excuse I give myself!:D).
I think I understand some things about anger. I want to talk about anger in two ways, one which deals more with anger on a phenomenal level and one which I think is increasingly relevant in a Buddhist sense.
Of course, most of us probably know that anger is just an acute kind of physiological arousal - sharing many, if not all, of the features of the fight-or-flight response - which prepares us to deal with potential harm and also mediates fear, stress, anxiety, etc. (It's interesting to me we have all of these different labels for these emotions, and yet on a physiological level they aren't too dissimilar). Part of meditation's centrality for health, I think, stems from its ability to reverse this larger system of biological responses which is initiated by the fight-or-flight response and underlies and explains much of our emotional experience. It's awesome that even if you're bad at meditation, like me, it's pretty much biologically guaranteed to calm you down
I do think the biological aspect of anger is incredibly central. But still, I've literally thought myself in an empty room to the point of being pissed before, which of course signals to me that anger cannot always be a preparatory kind of state for imminent danger, but a response to 'psychological' danger. It was around this time that I realized two important things about anger that are relevant in a Buddhist sense: 1) We often get angry because we think that actual/perceived insults or slights are going to somehow 'stick' to us and in doing so somehow lower our status, well-being, etc. which is a symptom of the false belief in a substantial self; 2) Anger is a feeling we get when our expectations are violated. I.e., you didn’t do what I wanted you to do and what I think is reasonable, you said something which I didn’t want you to say, the day is going so much worse than I planned, so I’m going to get angry. It seems to me there's no possible cause for anger if there's no expectation left unmet. Yet, we live in an incredibly complex, and likely somewhat random universe that probably doesn't much care about satisfying our expectations - so what are our grounds for having expectations about anything at all? I think the Buddhist answer might be that it is related to desire and control: Our expectations are an embodiment of the desires we plan to satisfy, and when we don’t satisfy them, we respond with anger in the attempt to control that which denied us of our desire. That’s why anger is usually directed outward, at some thing – even some inanimate things (printers, anyone?
For anger to be an evolutionarily and biologically coherent response, then there must be some potential harm in response to which we get angry and become alarmed and against which we direct our fight-or-flight hormones. Yet, so often when we're angry when we're not actually immediately threatened - how do you explain that? To me, it's a testament to the fact that a lot of 'threats' reside on the cognitive plane - as a function of the way we perceive the world.
Thanks for reading, maybe this will help.
Best,