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Aversion to meditation, and anxious after meditation
I sat for 15 mins the other day and when my butt hit the pillow (I can't afford a Zafu) I noticed a very strong urge to stand back up and find something else to do. It was strong enough to cause me to feel nauseous while sitting. I felt like crawling out of my skin and running for the door. I think it may be due to a fear of facing what's in my head, kind of like an unwillingness to trust that the present moment can offer me peace. Since I have little experience with intentionally focusing on the present moment, I feel that I am risking a lot by quieting my mind; who knows what might pop up? And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face some of these things.
Related somehow, I'm sure, was a feeling of agitation and anxiety during and after my sitting. The feeling actually lasted my whole evening at work, and I felt that I would have been in a better mood had I not meditated. This strengthens my lack of trust in the present moment, for it appears to me that by quieting my mind I made things worse that day.
I am very confused, and I guess I'm just interested in hearing some thoughts on the issue.
Thanks
Related somehow, I'm sure, was a feeling of agitation and anxiety during and after my sitting. The feeling actually lasted my whole evening at work, and I felt that I would have been in a better mood had I not meditated. This strengthens my lack of trust in the present moment, for it appears to me that by quieting my mind I made things worse that day.
I am very confused, and I guess I'm just interested in hearing some thoughts on the issue.
Thanks
0
Comments
It's normal for all sorts of things to come up during meditation. But no matter how afraid or anxious you get, remember to always face the feeling or thought head on. Be with it. Sit with it. Bring it closer to you. Get to know it. The funny thing is that when you call the bluff, whatever your feeling will usually vanish, and you get a huge sense of relief and confidence. And I can imagine that if you don't face it on during your meditation, it may linger with you for a while longer because you want it to go away. That's how these things work.
Just...like I said, things have to get worse before they can get better. This is a decision you need to make. Is it worth it? What brought you to meditate in the first place?
The notion of "it got worse" after beginning is very normal in the beginning. What I have noticed is that we are carrying that anxiety and agitation around with us all the time, and when we sit and meditate, we open our eyes to what we are. Keep up the practice and the agitation will subside. Just notice the agitation, say hello to it, and get back to breathing.
What kind of mediation were you doing incidentally?
With warmth,
Matt
What first brought me to meditation was the idea that I wasn't being honest with myself when it came to my emotions. I have recently learned through life situations and experiences that where there is discomfort or depression there is also the opportunity to grow more open and confident. After much research I found myself coming back to the idea of meditation. I've always been a person who thinks too much, and the majority of my thoughts are redundant and harmful, so calming my mind through practicing meditation feels like a very important thing for me to do.
I have read more on Buddhism and Meditation than I have actually practiced it, so I am not yet confident in what meditation exercises are good for a beginner like myself. I am simply sitting and watching my breath. I occasionally try counting my breath, but I feel less natural doing it that way; it turns into a process of trying to reach a certain number, whereas just following my breath naturally makes me feel more open and at ease. It helps me accept things as they are, when I'm not experiencing my agitation that is.
Counting breaths is a good way to start, because it helps to cultivate focus. If you'd like, try the link and see if that helps. Counting to 100 doesn't seem as effective to me as the type of counting described in the video.
It seems reasonable from your reply that the anxiety you've been working with is something repressed, and by sitting you're allowing yourself to be authentic. You're looking to be more honest with your feelings, and it sounds like you're succeeding in that hope. Your depression might very well be rooted in fears, and those fears might be what you're experiencing. More practice will answer those speculations for you, however, and you'll need to be patient.
However, there is also no need for you to continue to feel anxious after mediation. This was something common for me, and I found that my anxiety would subside more quickly when I am in nature, as the natural world seems to lend me some kind of grounded strength of will and instill acceptance and peace in my heart. Perhaps, if you're feeling that restlessness, consider walking barefoot in nature, and see if it helps to dissipate some of the feeling.
With warmth,
Matt
I will keep the things you suggested in mind; I already feel more at ease knowing that someone else has experienced the anxiety after sitting.
Again, thank you.
Clint
You are definitely strong enough.
I have experienced some very scary and unpleasant things arise during meditation. When this happens, the first thing I do is ACCEPT it. It's happening. It's a moment of discomfort. Pushing it away only leads to a moment of discomfort AND resistance, which makes it more uncomfortable and seem unbearable.
Accept your anxiety as it arises, even if it persists during your entire meditation. I promise it will get easier once you truly begin to accept it as, "This is happening right now." See that anxiety and acknowledge it, and usually it will begin to get smaller or even transform into feelings of compassion.
You are strong enough, I promise! I'm sure you've been through much worse than anxiety and nausea before, so you can take this on. Just keep practicing. You are correct that meditation will lead you to what you're hoping for
That fear of yours is pretty common, and one of the main issues I've had to deal with myself. I think it might be better if you were to flip your intention from "dealing with fear" to "cultivating courage". Fear is normal, natural and something we have when we experience uncertainty. In order to let it flow, and stay focused and empowered, we need to know how to be courageous in the presence of uncertainty.
For this, there is no better vehicle than meditation. By becoming more present, aware of your surroundings, you can begin to see the actual shadows you're jumping at, and unlock the silliness of each startle. When you address that startling, you might notice that there is an internal clinging associated with the shadow. For instance, your fear of talking to that girl arises from an internal dislike for rejection, or a negative self image.
Eventually, as you release that clinging, you can see the shadows without startling, and the courage becomes not really necessary... as there is nothing inside you to react to that phenomena. It takes time and effort, but is well worth it.
With warmth,
Matt
perhaps it would help you to simply objectify the fear.
the physical sensation in your body, what it feels like. like a ball of energy inside your stomach, or butterflies in your belly.
You should look at these sensations with equanimity.
thats all you have to do.
a good mind trick to objectify things may be to change the label you put on those feelings.
example: instead of calling that sensation in your belly "fear" or "feeling", you can call it a soccer ball, a table, a cloud, anything really; it's only a label, but certain label have negativity attached to them so it potentially doesn't help remaining equanimous.
I will continue sitting, and I will accept the anxiety. I have been trying to run away from it, trying to ignore it and hope its gone when I return.
I'm glad I found this forum, the replies here have been very helpful.
Clint
I frequently find my mind drifting away from the present moment and I say to myself, "Thoughts, thinking, back to breath." Since I frequently get distracted during meditation my internal monologue is usually saying, "Breathe in, breathe out. Present moment, wonderful moment."
Maybe 15 minutes is too long for you right now....try 2 x 10 minutes or 3 x 5 minutes. Meditation is like excersise for the mind....you when u first start to jog u don't go running the 10k now do you?
When I first started, 10 minutes was enough to make me anxious and stressed-out. So I started with 5 minutes a day for one week. The second week I did 6, the third week 7, etc. etc. My daily practise variates from 10 minutes to 30 minutes a day.
It is more important to be continues in your practise, rather then being able to sit for long periods of time.
I have experienced something similiar to intothedreaming - allow me to summarize my story.
I've been meditating almost 2 years off and on. To begin with it was 15 minutes a day focusing on the visual field (I often found if trying to meditate on the breath I would start to "control" my breatheing and so I prefered external sight.) Some time later I was meditating 45-60 minutes a day everyday, and then I began just to meditate throughout the day - walking around, at night, in the shower, etc.
What I found is that about 12 months ago uncomfortable feelings started to become aparant. Not just emotional feelings, but actual real physical sensations in the body. Over time they developed and become - if anything - more vivid/intense.
These sensations vary from "pressure", to "tension", to tingley, to pain. Mostly they are unpleasent, but not always.
It seems that some of these sensations, especially painful ones which actually feel like inflamation around the heart area are heavily linked to fear, anxiety which - as intothedreaming noticed - I have also noticed are pretty much present most of the time in a daily human experience. They are especially present/intense when being in any situations with other people who are not close friends or family.
These feelings do not dissapate for me with meditation. Quite the contrary - the pressure tends to (not always) increase, the pain tends to become more intense, and overall with an increase of awareness my overall experience tends to become more unpleasent/more suffering.
If anyone has any specific advice, I'm all ears. My meditation practice has become quite scattered now, being a combination of thought observation, focus on the negative sensations, and focus on visuals.
What I have noticed more recently is that my actual emotional feelings seem to have almost 0 physical presence - they are tiny if at all, almost completely unnoticable. So what happens sometimes is I "get affected" by the emotion, then notice it, and then it's gone instantly. But the arisings of emotions seems somehow linked to the negative physical sensations in a way that I don't understand. Usually the intensity of the various feelings in my body cause more anxiety related emotions to arise in quick succesion the longer/deeper I attempt to meditate.
Thanks,
Rich
Once you're at a state of relaxation those symptoms would disappear(most of the time).
No friend by engaging in the meditation you have no made your mind worse, But you have finally stood still and clearly seen all the crap that is continually unceasing in your mind. Now you have seen what a poor state this Uncontrolled Elephant is in you should seek the methods to utterly subdue it.
I concur. Good luck.