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ThailandTom
Veteran
Hello everyone.
I am getting quite bored with this problem and do not wish to bore people here with it, but I am getting on the desperate side of things again.
I really do not know what to do, it is like a continuous cycle that I am captivated within and have been for over a year. I am aware to some degree the power of attachment and how it can lead to suffering, I understand this but I am unable to rid myself of this one specific attachment.
It remains with a person who was a focal point of my life for some years, someone I had to let go of for several reasons but the problem is they remain a focal point even if they are not in my life as such anymore.
one month ago I was totally at peace with the situation, did not view it as negative and was content with how things were. I was happy without this person being there, I was okay with the mere thought of this person and everything was rosy. Now however I am in a very different frame of mind. It is as if this feeling builds and builds each day until it reaches a climax and explodes. I think of them more and more, I yearn for their personality and for their unique touch to life.
I understand that maybe I am not able to have them around because I become too attached and it is negative for my well being, and maybe also theirs. But I am also too attached to them as a person when they are not around.
It gets in the way of my buddhist practice some times, it brings a negative colour to my life and I do not know how to shift it... It is all well and good saying, 'let go, do not be attached', but that is a lot easier said than done.
If anyone has any advice I will be highly grateful
tom
I am getting quite bored with this problem and do not wish to bore people here with it, but I am getting on the desperate side of things again.
I really do not know what to do, it is like a continuous cycle that I am captivated within and have been for over a year. I am aware to some degree the power of attachment and how it can lead to suffering, I understand this but I am unable to rid myself of this one specific attachment.
It remains with a person who was a focal point of my life for some years, someone I had to let go of for several reasons but the problem is they remain a focal point even if they are not in my life as such anymore.
one month ago I was totally at peace with the situation, did not view it as negative and was content with how things were. I was happy without this person being there, I was okay with the mere thought of this person and everything was rosy. Now however I am in a very different frame of mind. It is as if this feeling builds and builds each day until it reaches a climax and explodes. I think of them more and more, I yearn for their personality and for their unique touch to life.
I understand that maybe I am not able to have them around because I become too attached and it is negative for my well being, and maybe also theirs. But I am also too attached to them as a person when they are not around.
It gets in the way of my buddhist practice some times, it brings a negative colour to my life and I do not know how to shift it... It is all well and good saying, 'let go, do not be attached', but that is a lot easier said than done.
If anyone has any advice I will be highly grateful
tom
0
Comments
What scares you about having them around? What scares you about not having them around? Perhaps the problem is that neither having them around or not having them around is the problem. Rather what negative attitude toward yourself is causing you the suffering? Maybe this negative attitude is the true attachment that you need to let go of?
As I'm new to Buddhism and might be talking rubbish, please don't take what I say too seriously. I might be way off track. Anyway, good luck and best wishes! And be happy! : )
Well basically I had a relationship with this person for nearly 2 years, then they had to move far far away from me, a different country entirely. We maintained contact on the internet and talked daily for up to 6-8 hours some times. After a while though It started to cause me problems. When they are around now, it is only a long distance thing and it hurts to not be in person. Also the times where we are not in communication I often wonder off with my thoughts and it is a dangerous thing for me to do.
Then when they are not around I simply miss that person purely for who they are. I have never met anyone who has had such an impact on my life, nobody has come this close to making such a mark on my existence.
Finding the middle way would be almost torture lol, it would be like having the most splendid of meals put in front of you, you take a bite or 2 and then it is whisked away just as quickly as it came...
All I'm trying to say, is if you really miss this person, then just keep in touch, I'm not sure what the full situation is, or if I grasp all your points. But, online friendships/relationships CAN work. They do hurt, but what would hurt worse? No contact at all?
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling and making no sense. I tried to answer it as best I could...But... :crazy:
What you're describing sounds to me like an attachment, perhaps even strong enough to describe it as an addiction.
I wonder, is the relationship you had with this person now forever transformed? What I mean is, did the union break apart from internal chaos, or did the move simply disrupt the connection? Are you busy hoping that it will be restored sometime in the future? Are you planning a reunion?
If not, then the best thing you can do is let go and stop being entertained your thoughts. When you notice you are busy thinking about them, notice it and become mindful. Do some breathing, walking, or other form of mindful practice, and let your mind settle. It will take work, and you'll probably notice your mind doing it many, many times before it starts to subside. However, it will, and with time it will happen more easily. If you dedicate your intent to letting go of the indulgent fantasies of your mind, it will naturally settle with practice.
A nice by-product of this is that as you heal this loss, you will strengthen your awareness, which will make other painful habits easier to notice. Maybe not much of a consolidation, but its something!
With warmth,
Matt
Yes I guess I have been getting lost in my thoughts and feeding them some what, It would be sensible to be aware of them and then still the mind. I am actually quite ill at the moment so going for a walk isn't on the cards lol, I also have never tried meditating whilst ill until recently and I found it quite hard to the point I wasn't able to properly.
Thanks for your comments also fire. I think relationships and friendships are totally fine if you are able to not become too attached. I have never had a problem with this apart from with this one person lol...
This person knows full well of the situation and to be honest I have messed the about by saying hello and good bye too many times.
We are both in no real position at the moment to meet up as I live in thailand now and she is moving to germany with her languages course in october from italy. I am going to the UK over christmas to see my family, that is the closest I can get to germany lol. Anyway, if we did meet up for a week or so, then what.. back to normal life I guess. It may make matters worse.
I hope you manage to find a solution to your attachment, it doesn't matter if you are young, I am only 21 and you are still able to suffer at pretty much any age..
Tom
you have been trying to let go of a person, a situation, but perhaps you could try to let go of the feelings themselves.
perhaps you could try to look at the feeling inside, the sensation itself, in your throats or in your chest, and let go of that.
Let go of trying to control that feeling, not trying to push it away and not trying to holding on to it because doing so feed it energy.
You must let go of this feeling/sensation, just look at it qithout reacting to it, like can look at your leg.
the leg is there you dont try to push it away nor do you try to hold on to it, you just let it be there.
once you can truly let go of the feeling in this fashion, you will not be bothered by it anymore and since you will have stopped to holding on to it, you will have removed one of the essential element for the sensation existence and it will dissipate, like a rainbow simple disappear if the clouds block the sun.
good luck to you.
Although today we actually spoke for a couple of hours and after the conversation was over, I wondered if I had done the wrong thing once again. I do feel better equipped this time with how to manage my emotion and treat the situation. I simply have to let the feelings themselves go and pass rather than grasping on to them...
Is it a bad idea to communicate again though do you think??
With warmth,
Matt
Thank you though every one, it has come to shed new light on the situation