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The Death of a Child
Hello everyone. Long story short. I am relatively new to Buddhism, just started practicing within the last 12 months. On June 7, 2004 my son passed away as the result of a sudden and tragic accident,(he was 2yrs6months and 11days old). Most of what i have learned of Buddhism is the result of reading as my job puts extreme limits on my time(i work 6 days a week away from home). i have read Thich Nhat Hanh's book "no death,no fear." i have also read Sogyal Rinpoche's book "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying." I have yet to read the actual "Tibetan Book of the Dead."
Does anyone know whether the Buddha made any discourses on the loss of a child?
Does anyone know of any other books that they could recomend to me based on this theme?
Peace and Understanding be with you all.
Does anyone know whether the Buddha made any discourses on the loss of a child?
Does anyone know of any other books that they could recomend to me based on this theme?
Peace and Understanding be with you all.
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Comments
Deepest sympathy on the death of your son, I cant imagine how difficult that must be.
I am not as knowledgable as I should be on the types of reading material that may help specifically with the loss of a child.
I know Simon and the other contributors who are much more knowledgable might be able to help you out with specifics. I get alot of my buddhist books from Amazon, also you could try and of the specific web sites, for example, Sogyal Rinpoche who wrote the Tibetan Book of the living and dying has many Rigpa/Dzogchen centres around the world. There is a Rigpa website for Canada and that is www.rigpacanada.org. There are I believe four Rigpa centres in Canada but I don't know how far they would be from you.
Also there is a website for Naropa University in Colerado. They have an extensive library which is on site, but the search engine is quite good so it might give you some ideas of titles and where to starte. That is if they guys and girls here cant point you in a better direction.
Take care
After flowing-on for a hundred thousand ages,
she evolved in this Buddha-era among gods and men
in a poor family in Savatthi.
Her name was Gotami-tissa,
but because her body was very skinny
she was called 'Skinny Gotami.'
When she went to her husband's family,
she was scorned [and called] 'daughter of a poor family.'
Then she gave birth to a son,
and with the arrival of the son she was treated with respect.
But that son, running back and forth
and running all around, while playing met his end.
Because of this, sorrow-to-the-point-of-madness arose in her.
She thought: "Before I was one who received only scorn,
but starting from the time of the birth of my son I gained honor.
These [relatives] will now try to take my son,
in order to expose him outside [in the charnel ground]."
Under the influence of her sorrow-to-the-point-of-madness,
she took the dead corpse on her hip and
wandered in the city from the door of one house to another
[pleading]: "Give medicine to me for my son!"
People reviled her, [saying] "What good is medicine?"
She did not grasp what they were saying.
And then a certain wise man, thinking
"This woman has had her mind deranged by sorrow for her son;
the ten-powered [Buddha] will know the medicine for her,"
said: "Mother, having approached the fully awakened one,
ask about medicine for your son."
She went to the vihara
at the time of the teaching of dhamma and said,
"Blessed One, give medicine to me for my son!"
The master, seeing her situation, said,
"Go, having entered the city,
into whatever house has never before experienced any death,
and take from them a mustard seed."
"Very well, Sir." [she replied],
and glad of mind she entered the city and came to the first house:
"The master has called for a mustard seed
in order to make medicine for my son.
If this house has never before experienced any death,
give me a mustard seed."
"Who is able to count how many have died here?"
"Then keep it. What use is that mustard seed to me?"
And going to a second and a third house,
her madness left her and her right mind was established
— thanks to the power of the Buddha.
She thought, "This is the way it will be in the entire city.
By means of the Blessed One's compassion for my welfare,
this will be what is seen."
And having gained a sense of spiritual urgency from that,
she went out and covered her son in the charnel ground.
She uttered this verse:
It's not just a truth for one village or town,
Nor is it a truth for a single family.
But for every world settled by gods [and men]
This indeed is what is true — impermanence.
And so saying, she went into the presence of the master.
Then the master said to her,
"Have you obtained, Gotami, the mustard seed?"
"Finished, sir, is the matter of the mustard seed" she said.
"You have indeed restored me."
And the master then uttered this verse:
A person with a mind that clings,
Deranged, to sons or possessions,
Is swept away by death that comes
— Like mighty flood to sleeping town.
At the conclusion of this verse, confirmed in the fruit of stream-entry,
she asked the master [for permission] to go forth [into the homeless life].
The master allowed her to go forth.
She gave homage to the master by bowing three times,
went to join the community of nuns,
and having gone forth, received her ordination.
It was not long before, through the doing of deeds with careful attention,
she caused her insight to grow... and she became an arahant.
- ThigA X.1: Commentary to Thig X.1
"Headman, if I were to teach you the origination & ending of stress with reference to the past, saying, 'Thus it was in the past,' you would be doubtful and perplexed. If I were to teach you the origination & ending of stress with reference to the future, saying, 'Thus it will be in the future,' you would be doubtful and perplexed. So instead, I -- sitting right here -- will teach you sitting right there the origination & ending of stress. Listen & pay close attention. I will speak."
"As you say, lord," Gandhabhaka the headman replied.
The Blessed One said: "Now what do you think, headman: Are there any people in Uruvelakappa who, if they were murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would cause sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair to arise in you?"
"Yes, lord, there are people in Uruvelakappa who, if they were murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would cause sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair to arise in me."
"And are there any people in Uruvelakappa who, if they were murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would cause no sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair to arise in you?"
"Yes, lord, there are people in Uruvelakappa who, if they were murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would cause no sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair to arise in me."
"Now what is the cause, what is the reason, why the murder, imprisonment, fining, or censure of some of the people in Uruvelakappa would cause you sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair, whereas the murder imprisonment, fining, or censure of others would cause you no sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair?"
"Those people in Uruvelakappa whose murder, imprisonment, fining, or censure would cause me sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair are those for whom I feel desire & passion. Those people in Uruvelakappa whose murder, imprisonment, fining, or censure would cause me no sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, or despair are those for whom I feel no desire or passion."
"Now, headman, from what you have realized, fathomed, attained right now in the present, without regard to time, you may draw an inference with regard to the past and future: 'Whatever stress, in arising, arose for me in the past, all of it had desire as its root, had desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress. And whatever stress, in arising, will arise for me in the future, all of it will have desire as the root, will have desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress.'"
"Amazing, lord. Stupendous. How well the Blessed One has put it: 'Whatever stress, in arising, arose for me in the past, all of it had desire as its root, had desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress. And whatever stress, in arising, will arise for me in the future, all of it will have desire as the root, will have desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress.' I have a son, lord, named Ciravasi, who lives far away from here. When I get up in the morning, I send a man, saying, 'Go, learn how Ciravasi is doing.' And as long as that man has not returned, I am simply beside myself, [thinking], 'Don't let Ciravasi be sick!'"
"Now, headman, what do you think: If Ciravasi were to be murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would you feel sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair?"
"Lord, if my son Ciravasi were to be murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, my very life would be altered. So how could I not feel sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair?
"Thus, headman, by this line of reasoning it may be realized how stress, when arising, arises: All of it has desire as its root, has desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress.
"Now what do you think, headman: Before you had seen or heard of Ciravasi's mother, did you feel desire, passion, or love for her?"
"No, lord."
"And after you had seen or heard of Ciravasi's mother, did you feel desire, passion, or love for her?"
"Yes, lord."
"What do you think: If Ciravasi's mother were to be murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, would you feel sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair?"
"Lord, if Ciravasi's mother were to be murdered or imprisoned or fined or censured, my very life would be altered. So how could I not feel sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair?"
"Thus, headman, by this line of reasoning it may be realized how stress, when arising, arises: All of it has desire as its root, has desire as its cause -- for desire is the cause of stress."
- Gandhabhaka (Bhadraka) Sutta: SN XLII.11
There are other Suttas dealing with the loss of children, but whether or not they are appropriate... I can recommend a book, however, called Good life, Good Death by Gehlek Rimpoche.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss, and since I do not have any children myself I cannot imagine what pain that would cause a person. I wish I could give you something wonderful and profoundly healing to say, but I'm afraid that I cannot give you much more than Sutta references. If there is anything else I can offer you though, I will do my best to help. Just ask.
Jason
Jerseyjoe:
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your son. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are experiencing right now. Please know that I am chanting for you and your family at this particularly emotional time for you and yours.
Adiana:(
another footnote to my background or rather present situation. Noah, my son who passed was the second of my children. I have three other children. Noah was my "likeness" which made it particularily hard on me.
Elohim-thankyou for the extensive writing and the quoting of discourses by Buddha. The first i had read month's ago in one of my books, sorry i don't remember which one, but the second was new to me and i will definately stop at the book store and look for the other title that you suggested. again many thanks.
i am new to this community and so far am very pleased with what i have read and the responses that i have recieved. as i have mentioned my job puts big limitations on me so this site has become and is my sangha.
"Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent." C. G. Jung
Blessings on you all.
joseph
I was saddened to hear of the loss of your son. I have no idea what that is like since I have no children of my own. But I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and meditation and send much metta your way.
To lift this sorrow, or cheer us, when in the dark,
Unwilling, alone we embark,
And the things we have seen and have known and have heard of, fail us.
Robert Bridges
I want to say so much and I have no words.
I wish you peace and happiness in the memories and life that you do have.
-bf
the past 2 years...6 of my friends have died. 1 overdose, 1 suicide, 1 car accident, 1 drunk driving, 2 freakish fatalities. I know nothing could compaire to losing a child.
again...deeepest sympothy