gossip related questions

Joshua

If a person engages you in gossip, particularly a question, is it best to partake to some extent as to not distress them while refraining from malintent or because this qualifies nonetheless as idle chatter is it best to remain silent? Perhaps the middle way like I've proposed? Or is this just a bad situation where you ought to not associate with those of little integrity, though regardless, as a layman, it's impossible to avoid, especially at work.

Cloud

Idle chatter isn't so bad, it's the backbiting and other malicious gossip. The society we live in demands some "small talk", so it's not a bad thing in and of itself. The thing to watch out for is harmful topics or becoming attached to gossiping. People just think you're weird if you won't engage in small talk with them, and you don't want that.

Joshua

Uh.. So my neighbor's house quite literally just burnt down. It just so happened to result in a good example. I was banging on the door trying to see if anyone was trapped inside before the fire-department came which I realized requires more balls than I have because I was scared shitless that the house was going to explode or the pressure cause the door to burst open and break my face which resulted in a new sense of supreme respect for firemen. When they showed up a nearby guy observing the abundance of firemen remarks to me how they're failing to put out the fire because they're twittling their thumbs about and walking around stupidly and then comes the question, "Don't you think?". Then he ranted on about it assuming I agreed because I didn't tell him he was an asshole, that I was in fact thinking, "Yes, there's indeed a dozen and half or so firemen, and yes, there's only four trucks and four hoses, but what the fuck do you expect?".

Ugh, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.

YesheDorje

In fact, I once heard a Lama say that when people are engaging in wrong speech, that you should go along with them for a moment, and then try to turn the attitude around if you can. The reasoning is that if you just disagree from the start, you will just get a debate, but if you acknowledge some part of their complaint or criticism, you might just be able to do them the favor of helping them to see the situation from a more reasonable perspective.

Good for you Valois, braving the burning building to help your neighbor. I hope nobody was hurt.

federica

I find that very often replying with,

"That's an interesting opinion, why do you say that?"

...flumoxes them for long enough for me to just look silently at them for a second or two, then change the subject.....;)

RunInTheRain

I like the approach of federica...not only will it confuse them but it also opens the door for explanation. They may have no answer because they haven't really thought about what they are saying but maybe they have and their answer will be enlightening or illuminating. If nothing else, it may push them to reflect on their statement and think more deeply on it.

In each interaction we have a choice. You can choose to be constructive or deconstructive, you can choose to be open to the wonder of the moment and the opportunity to learn from someone or you can choose to let you bias and beliefs cloud your eyes. In this instance, your neighbor has opened the door for discussion and you are just as responsible for the direction of that discussion as he or she is. So, I say take the opportunity and try to create a more meaningful dialog about the effort that you are seeing, the care and dedication volunteer firefighters display and the hope that is the coming together of so many (including yourself) to help a few in need.

Of course, your neighbor may express no interest and may desire to complain, argue or gossip solely for the sake of hearing their own voice. In which case, you may wish to politely excuse yourself and move on to other matters. While it is important to be recognize that each person suffers and that their complaining, arguing and gossiping is a manifestation of this pain, it is also important to realize that this negativity spreads like wild fire and so creating some distance might be the only safe solution.

That's my two cents...which I hope helps.

--Chris

SherabDorje

Gossip is by definition is about other people and usually involves negative or other non-constructive talk and should be avoided.

Idle talk is just that- idle. I would think if it can't be turned to something productive within a few minutes it should be avoided as well. That's where Federica's approach seems to work.