How do I deal with slander and malicious gossip?

Tombo

Hi there,

A terrible time this year has led me to question a lot about my life,and how to live it the best way. This in turn led me to books and articles on forgiveness and how to deal with adversity,which in turn led me to read about Buddhist philosophy and teachings.

Long story short: my ex-partner broke up with me,and I was heart-broken and angry. I told her what I thought of her (by text) in no uncertain terms (no swearing or name-calling,just calling her out on her behaviour).

She made this public,putting a spin on it that I'd been abusive and guilty of harassment (I hadn't,and wasn't). So,now I was heart-broken and publicly humiliated,though I'd done nothing wrong.

My reputation has now been through the wringer. As you can imagine,I'm having a hard time letting this go; I wake up with it chewing my insides,and there is not a minute of the day that the injustice of it is on my mind.

Can any of you wise souls here tell me how you would deal with this situation?

Thanks,

Tom x

Epicurus

Your true friends won't care. If it's not true, it shouldn't bug you. You have to care less what people think.

Don't make excuses for something you didn't do!

But do try to think about why you think she might have wrongly accused you. And try to think if what you thought of her that you told her via text is being perceive as slander by her too.

If you said something while angry that is not true or is subjectively true....then she might just have done the same. Said something while angry that is not true or is subjectively true.

ShiftPlusOne

That's a little vague. Exactly how 'public' is this? What was the content of the text and what were the reasons for the break up. Sorry if the questions are a bit personal, but it'd difficult to answer without more detail.

Mountains

The question that comes to me is: why do you care what she thinks? I don't mean that to sound flippant (I hate online forums for just that reason). But seriously, does what she says about you have any real impact on you? From a Buddhist perspective, it's only your ego that is bruised. She can't injure *you* with words, she can only injure your ego, and your ego fights to preserve and enhance itself at all costs and at all times. Do the people who really know you (your friends and acquaintances) believe the things she's said? If they do, are they really friends - do they really know you?

As for how to treat her - that's a tough one. Meditate on it. Notice how you feel whenever you think of her and her actions. Try to understand that her behavior is not about you, it's about her. It's about her ego trying to preserve and enhance itself. It does that by diminishing others (you, in this case) to make itself feel more important and to make itself "right" at all costs. The only thing you can do is recognize that, bless her on her way, and forgive and be done with it. If you still have any sort of contact, sever it cold. If she eventually recognizes that her actions were wrong, perhaps she will contact you. But if not, it frees you to move on and to take up your own path.

Never an easy situation, but one many of us have been in to some degree or other at some point in our lives. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do.

Peace

federica

You're going to hate me for this, but the one developing and perpetuating these feelings and emotions, is you.
She may have been the original activator, but you are now carrying on and adding to the misery.
When you have thoughts arise, do not permit them to snowball and grow. Do not build up a story or scenario, of your own making.
Nip the thought in the bud by telling yourself to breathe, relax and focus on something completely different.
Your stomach churns because you make it churn, by harbouring and developing such mind-states.

A thought is just that.
A thought.
It is mind made, and you can change your mind.
It's allowed.

Tombo

Hey,thanks for the very quick responses!

ShiftPlusOne,it was pretty public. We belong to the local creative community (acting musical theatre). It's pretty bitchy at the best of times,but I had a pretty good reputation before all this,and was pretty well respected..

All of this happened last March; I'd just turned 50,just lost my income,and my son was suffering from a severe depressive illness. I just snapped,and let my anger get the better of me...we had broken up the previous January. Hope this clears things up.

Thanks again,guys.

Tom x

Roger

I'd do lots of post-game analyses and make myself the sole focus of what went wrong. IOW, what did ___I___ do the create the mess.

I would not stop until I had a long list of the "bad" things ___I___ did to get myself in the trouble I was in.

What other people did "wrong" does not help me. As a matter of fact the moment I started musing on what other people did wrong I would add that musing to the list of the ways ___I___ mess things up.

The only way I could improve my life (and the lives of the people closest to me) is to figure out how I messed up and made things worse, Why? So I could learn things that would change my future behaviors and actions.

I wish you well. I'm no expert. Just trying to help. It's not easy. Good luck.

SherabDorje

What practical effect has this had on you since last March when it happened? Did you lose friends? Did you lose money? Did you not get parts in plays or not get your art exhibited or did you lose valuable social connections? What did you lose exactly?

Anyway, what's done is done, and I think the Buddhist approach would be to keep saying to yourself that what's done is done, and whatever you can recover from the situation is fine, but the Buddhist approach is impermanence, and although it may seem like the pain of this may last forever, it won't, but it will last longer if you keep rehashing it in you mind. Last March was a long time ago. I wish you well in your recovery from this, because it seems like you've been pretty hard on yourself about it already.

ShiftPlusOne

Ok, fair enough. I think what others have said covers anything I had off the top of my head. Buddhism can certainly help you control anger and forgive her (and yourself) in order to move on. However, what's done is done, so you don't have much of a choice but to accept the fruit of your actions. I hope it all goes well for you, I believe you'll sort it all out.

OrangeLeaf010

Hi there.

I had a similar problem with an ex of mine. She basically slept around then told other's about how nasty I was and I too had not done anything deliberately cruel or indeed as self serving.

My advice to you, be the best person that you can be. This is difficult with any breakup obviously as you're going through a lot of difficult emotions.

What made things easier for me once I had got past the original heart break was that I found out that she had treated a lot of people in her life badly and they in turn treated her badly. She had several relationships after the one we were in together, and the majority of which had the other partner treating her terribly, some with married men, they never told her. Instead of feeling good that this was happening however, I realised how low her own quality of life was, even compared to what I had gone through because of her.

I now want the best for her. I don't really want to be part of her life anymore, but I still care for her in some respect and hope she finds something that will bring her contentment. I also feel better about myself because of finding this compassion within myself and, in the end, I think the whole experience has made me a better person. It has reaffirmed my belief that the more compassion you give others the more you get out of life and the higher quality of life you will live.

Bad things happen to us all. Difficult things happen to us all. If you can find a way to care about others through all life's hardships, it will definitely improve your own chances of finding contentment.

Sand

Hello Tombo.
There is a koan, it doesn't fit to your situation, but the message is not completely irrelevant:

Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.

Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl" said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"

She acted in anger. You acted in anger too. It is done now, don't continue to carry it on with you.

hermitwin

Tell the truth. Explain to people who wolud listen to you.
You cant stop her from saying what she wants short of filling her mouth
with superglue which would be very unBuddhist.

Tombo

Thank you all so much; I didn't expect so many helpful replies; I'm hmbled.

But there's more-I'm told that I can send a 'cease and desist' letter from my lawyer to her,requesting that she stop the badmouthing.

Given her nature,it may escalate the situation...but do I let her get away with all she's done,and not send the letter? Where,from a Buddhist perspective,do I draw the line?

I admit,in sending it,there would be satisfaction for me in having the last word...a kind of small revenge.

By the way,she's very popular and well thought of,compounding my 'social disgrace' that she's managed to contrive. She's very beautiful and has just finished a musical at our local theatre,where I haven't felt able to show my face for the last few months.

I don't want to come across as whiney or self-pitying; I sincerely want to discover how to cope with all of this (and other adverse life changes) in a serene and dignified way,and your posts have been very encouraging.

Thanks again,people.

Tom x

Tombo

Oh,and yes,to answer someone's question,I have lost friends,and a lot of face generally through all of this.

fivebells

Do you meditate?

Tombo

Hi Fivebells,thanks your reply,
No,I don't as a rule,though I mean to start very soon...I've read of the benefits of meditation,and I'm keen to get out of my own head and stop ruminating on this.
Do you think this might be the way to go?

Tom x

fivebells

Yes, metta meditation in particular is an excellent way to shift the relationship to resentment about this kind of thing.