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I Have A Dilemma
So I have a friend, she and I used to date some years back until things didn't work out due to our relationship, more or less, being a secret from her parents. I'm moving back, and she and I started hanging out again, and we let slip that we still have feelings for each other.
I have just recently gotten out of a relationship (about 2 months ago) and she just got out of relationship (about 3 months ago). Yesterday she told me that her Ex was comming down for about 2 weeks and he wanted to get back together with her. See, this is where the trouble comes in.
He told her he still loved her, but every time she tries to talk to him, he never answers. She's tried to talk things over with him but to no avail, and it's making her unhappy. She doesn't think he's ready for a relationship. She wants to say she doesn't want to date him again, but at the same time, she does.
I'm trying to help her through this and I'm trying to give her some sort of advice. But, we both still have feelings for each other, I feel as though I should say be with him, but at the same time it won't make her happy. I still like her, and want to be with her, and I want what's best for her, question is, what's best?
What should I do?
What's a Buddhist approach to this?
I have just recently gotten out of a relationship (about 2 months ago) and she just got out of relationship (about 3 months ago). Yesterday she told me that her Ex was comming down for about 2 weeks and he wanted to get back together with her. See, this is where the trouble comes in.
He told her he still loved her, but every time she tries to talk to him, he never answers. She's tried to talk things over with him but to no avail, and it's making her unhappy. She doesn't think he's ready for a relationship. She wants to say she doesn't want to date him again, but at the same time, she does.
I'm trying to help her through this and I'm trying to give her some sort of advice. But, we both still have feelings for each other, I feel as though I should say be with him, but at the same time it won't make her happy. I still like her, and want to be with her, and I want what's best for her, question is, what's best?
What should I do?
What's a Buddhist approach to this?
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Comments
Yes, that's exactly what I've been thinking on. One side of me says to be there for her and make her own decision, like she should. But then the other side is thinking that maybe it's not best for her to go into something that will bring her unhappiness.
I want what's best for her, I'm just not sure what it is, she isn't sure either.
What you do (and it's hard, I know) but what you do, is - back off completely.
It's the right approach, Buddhist or no, and I'll explain why.
While you are on the scene, she is going to be pulled in two directions, prevaricate, and yo-yo back and forth between her emotional decisions.
The other factor is (and it's an almost entirely unconscious one) that there is a flattering to the ego when there are two males vying for female attention, and this can occasionally lead to a lady playing one stud off against the other, while she sits back and watches to see which one seems to come up trumps.
The way to pre-empt this, and prevent any form of competition - is to tell her that you respect her right to make her own decision, but you don't want any part in biased influencing, and you're keeping out of her way until she feels she knows within herself how she wants to go with this....
And the Buddhist approach?
you just read it.
Detachment and acceptance.
There is always an element of detachment and acceptance in any relationship we venture into.
Even with the most steadfast, assured, concrete-solid relationship, there is a view of the end.
Within every first 'hello' sound the echoes of the last 'goodbye'.
you have to understand that even if you two do get together - nothing is permanent, and at one point, your paths will diverge.
Accept this now, and step back.
It's the healthy approach.
I also understand Impermanence, I know we won't stay together, and honestly I don't know exactly why I'd want to be with her, or a partner in general, in the first place, knowing that it won't be permenant.
Sometimes I make no sense at all, and sometimes, I do.
Tehguezt
In a situation like this a man needs to be careful not to be too much of a friend. If you want to be this girls man, be careful not to be too much of a friend.
Fredricka made the point that you do not want to encourage a situation where you are in a holding pattern because someone finds the situation flattering. This kind of situation is not going to cultivate a good relationship even for whoever gets picked.
In a nutshell; Avoid the Drama!
But this is not Buddhism, not logical, and I may not be the one to get relationship advice from.
But I do wish you happiness whatever the outcome!