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As an introvert, I find I'm having a hard time understanding
how to not suppress my desire to be alone yet stop seeing myself as separate from the world. Basically, mentally I totally understand the buddhist philosophy that we are not separate. We are all inthe same boat. However, psychologically, I've gone through a lot for several years and have negative feelings associated with many groups (fundamentalist Christians, law enforcement, stupid people) is making me more and more isolated and suspicious (not trusting). Subsequently, I don't want to meet new people, and I've let go of most of my friendships. I just feel like shedding it all, but I don't want to feel like I'm running away. At the same time, something is telling me that I need to do this. I need to look inward and put the focus on me since I'm thinking too much of others.
Am I deluding myself, just feeding my desire to be alone? But how about the feelings to do some major inner work? I've lacked taking care of myself for so long because I think too much about other people. Do I NEED people to distract me? Is that the healthy thing to do?
Am I deluding myself, just feeding my desire to be alone? But how about the feelings to do some major inner work? I've lacked taking care of myself for so long because I think too much about other people. Do I NEED people to distract me? Is that the healthy thing to do?
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I think that instead of isolating yourself further, just start practicing a healthy self-respect - then you'll see, as you accept yourself, that other people aren't your enemies
If this is so, then any notion of "self" or "other" might be seen as excellent encouragements to keep on practicing.
I think you feel a lot of pressure on you. And that makes it hard. I think some incorrect assumptions are driving some of this. Taking time out to just be and let go of the judgemental mind. Like in meditation.
Or an activity that you are into. Maybe even with otehrs. That gets you focused, but thats kind of an arousal. A difference from most meditation. I think a lot of activities on your own can help. Then radiate to others in your house. If you see that you are ok and can have a range of feelings (arisings). Then that will be easier with your house.
It just keeps radiating gradually like the bee getting to each flower. Sometimes coming home to its nest. Or the river to the sea.
If it were me I'd be kind to myself and see to what I need. In a gentle way keep asking these questions. Let the thoughts go. And see how the world, whether it is a cup of coffe or tea, or a traffic jam. Or the first day. Whatever. See your thoughts. Let them be.
Ultimately I'm a misanthrope, I simply don't like the company of human beings, I find them intensily irritating. Jumping into the deep end by engaging with a group of complete strangers (especially if that group already know one another well) can be detrimental.
I would suggest the baby steps approach, go out of your way to see your current friends more, force yourself to say yes to meeting up rather than no. Spending more time around people will help you to feel less uncomfortable, eventually maybe you'll be ready to do as Sherab suggests and join a class or group, but if you do go with a friend and take it from there.
But given that, maybe a "baby steps" approach would be more appropriate, especially if the introversion is on the serious side.
Before coming to Buddhism, I was a self-defined hermit. I had some old baggage and some current cynicism. I also did not want to deal with people and regularly chose not to. Over time I began to understand, that hermit impulse is based on ill-will and aversion.
In Buddhism I found reference to dispassion, detachment, seclusion, etc., and thought "Oh boy! - that's for me"
This all happened in stages, as you might imagine. As others have said, it was useful to interact with others, even if it was just the check-out person at the store, or family, or a neighbor, etc. Those interactions became opportunities to practice kindness or compassion, generosity, etc. Having a teacher would have been a great help, but I'm pretty isolated from anything and haven't made the kind of effort it would take.
Over time I learned to not pick up other people's issues or stew about them. Not me, not mine. I could be kind and maybe helpful, but I didn't have to suffer.
It was the experience of trying to "be the Dhamma" around other people that became my teacher. And I was more free to feel comfortable around people as I got more experience. Blow it? Sure, sometimes! That's part of the learning for me
These days I'm better at seeing when the Hermit of aversion is operating, whether I can choose the seclusion instead, or choose to just accept the interactions and go with them.
Hope this helps. These are just my opinions and experiences so feel free to ignore them. Opinions are like noses - everybody has one -so feel free to use what's useful or ignore it all
With Metta,
Worldling
Hi totorules,
I'm an introvert too, and I can tell you that introverts definitely need some alone time. It's the way we recharge ourselves. Without a hour of uninterrupted solitude each day, I feel like a frazzled mess. But once I've taken that hour, I can reengage with the world much more happily. So, don't suppress your need for a little alone time. Give that luxury to yourself, and then call a friend for lunch.
What exactly do you find "irritating"? Is it people doing the normal everyday things things that people do? If so, then I would humbly submit that what you have might fall into the category of a mental illness (please don't think I'm being flippant or harsh, I'm not). This may well be the kind of thing a good therapist can help you with. I think we all get irritated at somebody sometime (I know I do - nobody else on the road has a clue how to drive properly!), but when it's carried to the extreme, then it becomes pathological.
Whether you call it misanthropic or what have you, it sounds, just from reading what you've written here and not knowing you otherwise, that you may have a problem that a counselor could help you with. At least I think it bears investigation.
Otherwise, you've set yourself up for a very lonely existence. By being in a constant state of irritation with everything every other human being is, says, and does, you've created for yourself a constant cloud of negativity that you're living in. Living in such a cloud, you'll never be able to give or receive love or kindness toward or from others. That sounds pretty miserable to me.
Being a "loner" is fine. I definitely fall into that category. I have very few friends, and not a lot of acquaintances other than the most casual kind (next door neighbors, etc), but I still take a great deal of joy from those people whom I do interact with at school, at work, etc.
Best of luck to you...
Peace~ _/\_
The only problem I have with it is I'm "rusty." Problem is when I meet up with "normal" people they can easily think I'm strange due to my lack of social interaction practice so I make sure I'm properly groomed and well-dressed when I go out in public. LOL. It's really funny when you think about it.
Please don't let other people annoy you. Not everybody's "awake" or in the process of waking up. Sometimes I treat other people, strangers, like I treat pets. Yes! Pets! They can't help it and they deserve me being nice to them even for a short time like when waiting in the check out line at the grocery store. It's not me being snooty, it's just easier to be kind to them from that "experimental" point of view.
Wishing you well!!