Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Divorce & Buddhist teachings
Hello,
I'm relatively new to Buddhist teachings, but have already found them to be very helpful in my coping with loss, grief & overall suffering, all of which I am in the middle of due to my separation & upcoming divorce. My husband is the one initiating the split, so I'm also overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment & fear.
My positive experience with the teachings while going through this transition prompted me to search for online articles about Buddhist approaches to divorce. But all I was able to find was cultural information about how Buddhist societies view divorce, which is not really what i need.
What I want to learn more about is how western practitioners have used the teachings & their practice in dealing with this life crisis.
I realize there are many different affiliations, sects, etc., but i was hoping for the application of the more universal teachings (i.e. re: mindfulness, impermanence, suffering, attachment, etc.)
Hope my request makes sense.
Thanks for your help,
Emily
I'm relatively new to Buddhist teachings, but have already found them to be very helpful in my coping with loss, grief & overall suffering, all of which I am in the middle of due to my separation & upcoming divorce. My husband is the one initiating the split, so I'm also overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment & fear.
My positive experience with the teachings while going through this transition prompted me to search for online articles about Buddhist approaches to divorce. But all I was able to find was cultural information about how Buddhist societies view divorce, which is not really what i need.
What I want to learn more about is how western practitioners have used the teachings & their practice in dealing with this life crisis.
I realize there are many different affiliations, sects, etc., but i was hoping for the application of the more universal teachings (i.e. re: mindfulness, impermanence, suffering, attachment, etc.)
Hope my request makes sense.
Thanks for your help,
Emily
0
Comments
Buddhism includes many kinds of meditations, such as meditation upon one's good qualities and meditation of loving-kindness. I think it is important to practise these meditations in a situation like divorce.
For example, although the Buddha did acknowledge marriages may be problematic where couples do not share certain qualities, in general, the Buddha taught a husband should be faithful to his wife and a wife should be faithful to her husband.
The Buddha encouraged faithfulness because faithfulness is compassionate in that it promotes the protection, valuing & non-harming of others.
So where we have displayed good qualities or virtues, such as faithfulness, Buddhism encourages us to acknowledge this to ourself.
We can tend to blame ourselves or diminish our sense of self-worth when divorce occurs, even though we possessed good qualities and our partner may have not.
So to nurture loving-kindness towards our self & to reflect on our good qualities is very important.
I hope what I say is relevent.
With kindness
DD
This sutra that helped Queen Vaidehi would be a help to you.
THE SUTRA ON CONTEMPLATION OF AMITAYUS delivered by Shakyamuni Buddha
Translated into Chinese during the Liu-Sung dynasty by the Tripitaka Master Kalayashas from Central Asia
http://buddhistfaith.tripod.com/purelandscriptures/id5.html
http://www12.canvas.ne.jp/horai/contemplation-sutra.htm
As loving kindness meditation was already suggested, I thought this link might be helpful to you.
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm
With kind wishes,
Dazzle
I can understand your situation to some extent, as I may be in a similar situation next year. All I can suggest here is to focus on the positive aspects. Some self-examination MAY be in order, but that can be saved until later. Right now, it seems that you need to find peace through this painful process.
If I may be so bold as to offer advice, I would suggest finding female friends with whom to discuss the matter. As a man, I am not sure I can fully understand how a woman would feel in this situation, so I would suggest discussing it with other ladies who have already been through it.
I wish you well, Emily, and I hope that in all of this you will move closer toward your goal in your spiritual efforts.
-Q
All best wishes.
I looked up the 'Radical Acceptance' & it looks great. I will get it today.
I have 'When Things Fall Apart' on CD & listen to it often. It's wonderful. I'm hoping to find others like it. Chodron's work is actually why I was drawn to the teachings last year, as prior to hearing her I had not connected with Buddhism as much.
I did read the recommended Amitayus Sutra, but I'm afraid it's a little too overwhelming for me right now. I'm still very new to the teachings, so all the ancient names, deities & references in the original sutras confuse me a good deal. That's why Pema Chodron & other westerners' work is a lot more accessible to me.
I am talking to other women (and men) going through a divorce, but they are not Buddhist, so their approach toward divorce and spouses who leave their partner is more conventional. My divorce is an amicable one & we still care for each other, so there's a lot more sadness than anger for both of us. I would love to find out how practitioners have applied the teachings to help them let go & detach from the other person, and how they are able to maintain equanimity of the mind and a non-attached stance.
I'm having a very hard time letting go & moving on.
Many thanks again,
Emily
I see your H is initiating the split....
What is the issue he feels he cannot resolve with you?
PM me if you'd prefer...
I workled with a Counselling association, (not putting myself forward as any type of expert whatsoever) but it was a time that served me well...I can view things from different philosophical angles.... This takes a lot of practice.
I should know...:rolleyes:
I've been a practising Buddhist for 20 years, and I recently lost my father, and helped my mother cope with her sudden isolation and grief.... as well as accepting that my father had died. For good....
It is difficult.
But I coped better than I ever thought I would, yet I know it takes dedication to the Effort.... and a desire to achieve a successful level of practice.
But you must also consider yourself, and not pressure yourself too much.
Occasionally, in such circumstances we impress ourselves with a sense of urgency..."I MUST do this, because really, I feel I should...."
Relax.
be good to yourself.
This is after all, what Metta is about.
@emily_s, some other authors that write about Buddhism for a Western audience are:
* Jack Kornfield
* Lama Surya Das
* Thich Nhat Hanh
* Joseph Goldstein
* Sharon Salzburg
* Mark Epstein
** Gil Fronsdal has a podcast called "Zencast" that is excellent
I'm so sorry you're going through this trying time and wish you the absolute best.
Thank you for reminding me not to rush & pressure myself. It's only been 3.5 months. I'm just overwhelmed by both grief & fear, which combined are making it hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel...
I'm in the middle of reading Mark Epstein's 'Going on Being' right now and it's fantastic. So much great information & insight. He mentions all the other people on your list above in his book, so I know i want to read them as well. I've only read Jack Kornfield so far. Ram Dass is another wonderful teacher who always resonates with me.
The Zencast sounds like a great idea. Will definitely check it out.
Please feel free suggest anything else...
This is what's keeping me afloat right now more than anything else, so I *really* appreciate everyone's input.
With much gratitude,
Emily
I hear you. I am 8 months into a separation from my husband of almost 20 years. We have an 11 year old daughter and are living in Australia where we came for his temporary job. He has decicded he doesn't want to be married to me because he has found someone else he loves and wants to live with. I have been through a lot in my life includig the death of my mother at 14 and my father and stepmother at 27, but this has rocked my world more profoundly than anything ever. And, the only thing I could think of at the beginning to do was to meditate and do yoga. There, I found some detachment from the drama and some inkling of other possibilities. And, yet, it is hard and will continue to be so. I only came here for my husband's job and don't want to stay but I believe it is right and good for my daughter to have her father in her life. I am having to pay very close attention to my intentions.
Yes, Pema Chodorn is great. I also just did the mindfulness meditation course developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at University of Massachusetts Med Center. I highly recommend it. Also, just found a site called Family Dharma connection which is written by a single buddhist mom so focuses a lot on raising kids but she also talks about her divorce.
My best to you as you go through this!
I highly recommend Tara Brach. Her book "Radical Acceptance" has helped me immensely and she has a website at www.tarabrach.org
She also has podcasts on iTunes that I highly recommend.
Lama Surya Das is also wonderful and has podcasts on iTunes.
Julie, if you're in Sydney and need someone to talk/vent/chill with drop me a line (sounds weird I know but my divorce was very painful and sometimes it helps just to have someone else to talk to).
In metta,
Raven
Julie, i so admire your strength, courage and integrity in light of so much pain & loss. I know what you mean about this rocking your world. I have never known pain of this magnitude... If you haven't already read 'Radical Acceptance' which several people here have mentioned, I can't say enough good things about it. I got it right away after SherabDorje recommended it, and it's helped & soothed me tremendously. I actually ended up getting the audiobook (which may be a little different from the book as it's called Radical Self-Acceptance.) It's been very very healing. I've read Kabat-Zinn but have not explored his meditations. I'll definitely find out if they still offer the course, as i'm living in Mass now. And I'll check out Family Dharma too. Thank you *so* much & I send you love & healing thoughts...
Raven, thanks for the info about the podcasts. I love audio teachings and lectures, and am looking forward to listening to these.
I really don't know how I would be handling this crisis now without dharma teachings and all the great resources & people.
A million thanks....
Emily
Try this meditation:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/guided.html