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Prioritising your life around learning Dharma? How do you do it?

ToshTosh Veteran
edited February 2011 in Buddhism Basics
I'm a working man, with a family, a busy member of A.A. and I'm also studying a two-year foundation course in Buddhism, but I'm finding I'm having many conflicts over how I spend my time.

I try to prioritise in this order:

Family first.
AA second.
Dharma third.

So today, after a phone call from a friend who is struggling to stay sober, I've decided to cancel a dharma day at my local Buddhist centre in favour of helping a friend; so that I'm not out helping a friend, and then out again all day at my local Buddhist centre, and thereby neglecting my family.

But it does seem to be a bit of a juggling act; work commitments, finding time to spend with my family, helping others in A.A., and finding the time to study Buddhism and meditate.

I guess there's many Buddhists here who have the same problem, so it'd be great if any of you could share your experience on this.

Thanks in advance.

Regards,

Tosh

Comments

  • johnathanjohnathan Canada Veteran
    I think Buddha would say practicing the Dharma is more important than learning about it.
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    I think Buddha would say practicing the Dharma is more important than learning about it.
    How can I practise what I don't know?
  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    i would slowly switch positions between AA and Dharma, depends how bad your addiction is. AA tends to treat all addictions the same, if youve been a heroin addict all your life then i think AA should be your priority, likewise if youre a hopeless drunk and drunk driver putting peoples lives at risk. I had an on again off again heavy addiction to pot, and under court order got quite a bit out of AA, however since then i've ditched meetings and focused on Dharma and work, without relapsing or even coming close too.

    Dharma is a very strong anti drug/alcohol support system, though you might not know that at some western temples. AA is a christian sect that doesnt care much for Jesus basic teachings except to stay sober, the idea of attending AA and calling the Buddha youre higher power doesnt make sense to me when youre surrounded by mostly bible not thumping "christians".

    I think you need some support to stay sober, if you can get more of that needed support from other Buddhists you may not need to go to AA 7 days a week as they ask you to. Im glad you put family first though, and Dharma can be very good for your family too, sincerely John
  • johnathanjohnathan Canada Veteran
    I read something a while back but can't find it now... but it was about 2 guys... one studied the dharma all the time but did not practice while the other practiced the dharma in ignorance (did not learn about it but still practiced it) and was held to be a "better" Buddhist for it....

    I'll keep looking for it... Maybe someone else will know what I'm talking about and find it first.
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    Tosh -- To the extent that you need priorities, I think you've got things precisely right -- family first, AA second, Dharma third. No need to beat yourself up over what you attend to and what, by necessity, you neglect. Just do what you are doing with patience and attention ... and the Dharma will take care of itself.

    When you do what you are doing, that is enough. Worrying about whether one aspect or another is getting short-changed is like the business-world idiocy of "multi-tasking:" How many things can a person actually do in any given moment? Criticism is extra. If you make a mistake, correct it -- that is enough. When it's time for family, then do family. When AA requires your presence, be present. And when you find time for Dharma study, then use the time wisely.

    Buddhism does not require a halo. It just requires attention.
  • beingbeing Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Helping a friend instead of staying at a Buddhist center is practicing the Dharma. :)
    Do what you find most important (for the benefit of yourself and others) to do and that is all that needs to be done.
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    Thanks, John; but I'm a recovered alkie - I'm very strong in my sobriety and my A.A. commitments are all about helping other alkies to recover. I do service to A.A. (we're an organisation fully ran by alkies), and our primary purpose is to help other alcoholics recover.

    And although A.A. does have it's roots in Christianity, it's not a religious organisation and anyone who mentions a particular religion would be frowned upon. Many drunks in the UK use G.O.D ('Group of Drunks' i.e. AA's members and ethos) as their higher power. Maybe A.A. in Bible belt America is different; but here in the UK we're not really a 'Godly lot'; though I have no problems with anyone who believes in a traditional version of God.

    But to me, A.A. is a great place to practise Buddhism; you do need a certain amount of tolerance to help the guys I try to help; believe me! ;-) I regularly find myself having to put my wishes to one side because I have an alkie to help. A good example is that I've cancelled my dharma day (it was a day on the Boddisatva Vows, with an option to take them); in order so that I could help another alkie whose just out of rehab and struggling; and not spend too much time away from my family. I would rather I did the dharma day, and not help my alkie friend whose struggling (I'm going to provide transport to an A.A. meeting and use the travelling time to share my advice of recovery based on my own experiences, and provide some emotional support and guidance); but I can learn about the Boddisatva Vows another day.

    I shall think carefully about exchanging some A.A. commitments for dharma learning; but really, A.A. isn't about me staying sober, it's about me making myself useful to active alcoholics who want to get sober.

    It seems selfish for me to withdraw my support from A.A. so that I can learn to be a happier individual, even if the ultimate end product is that I can help others become enlightened. I can help others here and now recover from alcoholism, with the experience I have (I sponsor (mentor) quite a few recovering alkies), whereas with regards to Enlightenment; that's probably very many lifetimes away for me!

    Apologies for the disjointed reply; I think there's going to be no easy answer and I'll just have to carry on muddling my way through my various commitments the way I have been doing!?

  • ToshTosh Veteran
    And thanks for the other advice guys; I shall read and consider your replies carefully.

    Thanks. I think I'm just having one of those moments where I'm spending too much time in the future!
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    edited February 2011
    I would say by incorporating Dharma in all facets of your life so that you don't have to prioritize it behind other things so it is put alongside or with those other things. So family and AA are parts of Dharma and not something separate.
  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    tosh you make a lot of good points, far be it from me to influence you to help people less, i was never cut out to be a sponsor, one of the things that really annoys me is buddhists who say things like dont worry about helping others people, worry about helping yourself first, to me that's just plain selfish, any practice of love and compassion directed entirely at yourself is delusion, maybe you need work on yourself before you can teach buddhism, but not before you can give a homeless person a meal or help an old lady across the street.

    Not everyone needs or wants to hear about buddhism, but "utopia" here; everyone should spend time helping people, the world would obviously be a better place, and it seems like youre doing the right thing, Tosh, keep it up
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited February 2011
    The compassion you're practicing by helping your friend IS Dharma practice! Keep up the good work!
    And you know what? You don't need a two-year course. Just learn the basics (the 4 Nobles, the 8fold path, the precepts, mindfullness, and maybe later, non-attachment) and you're good to go. :)
    You can probably find 10-15 mins./day for a beginning meditation practice; we can help if you need guidance.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    This will be different for every person, because everyone's life is different. Right now, I'm a full time grad student, and I put in probably 70-80 hours a week on nothing but school-related activities. I'd *love* to have time to devote to dharma study, but realistically, I don't. I still have to do laundry, eat, go to the grocery store, play with the dogs, and (once in a great while) sleep. There are still only 24 hours in a given day. Would that we could make it otherwise, but we can't.

  • CloudCloud Veteran
    edited February 2011
    @Tosh, You say you gave up a day at a Buddhist centre to help out a friend. You think that's abandoning Dharma? That is Dharma! The point of following the Buddhist teachings is to envelop the spirit of unity through compassionate wisdom. Helping your friend is as much your practice, as much truth, as having your day at the Buddhist centre. In fact more so, because when it came to doing what you wanted to do, and helping a friend, you chose the selfless path.
  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited February 2011
    @Tosh Hi. Personally, I find Western Dhamma centres often uninspiring. If you need to develop your meditation, sue, the Dhamma centre is appropriate. But your AA work sounds very valuable to me. Why do you need to take a Bodhisatva vow when you appear already be a Bodhisatva?

    All the best

    :)
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Also don't forget that although you are prioritizing that doesn't mean that you are unable whatsoever to learn the dharma. Think of a dharma talk given after a meal and some people are doing the dishes and don't hear the talk. Is it wrong for them to do that? If they didn't the dharma infrastructure would not be possible. So they are creating merit to which later they may hear the teachings.

    It is more important that you put into practice the teachings you do hear than to become a scholar who does not put any of those teachings into practice. In my opinion though that might be particular to my situation where I am unable to retain information unless I reflect on a little piece for awhile and then add to it.

    So you still will have time to hear some teachings and there is no race and no medal for reading or hearing more facets of dharma. The dharma is always in the present moment, timeless. Don't think that family and AA are the wrong experiences to have.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    The future is always a distortion, we can plan and expect what we want until the cows come home, but things will never 100% turn out how we intend. So having these priorities is good in one sense, but you should accept and be mindful that things change, everything is transient and your day to day plans will alter in some way. Best of wishes :)
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