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Accepting controlling people

EpicurusEpicurus
edited February 2011 in Buddhism Basics
Another thread on this forum made me think about this. What does it mean to accept a person as he/she is when he/she is controlling towards you?

Is it skillful to try and make the other person see he/she is controlling and that that is bad or is that missing the whole point of acceptance?

Comments

  • SherabDorjeSherabDorje
    Is it skillful to try and make the other person see he/she is controlling and that that is bad or is that missing the whole point of acceptance?
    IMHO, you can separate the behavior from the person here. I think it's skillful to point out that you believe the behavior is controlling (and therefore unskillful on their part) but that it's not something to take personally. You can accept the person without accepting the behavior.


  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    The way to countermand someone who is controlling is to first accept that you might be allowing their behaviour, and see what permitting them to control you, fulfils in you.

    There's a payoff. Some need in you, means you permit them to continue.
    But after a while, it's possible this benefit wears off, or becomes so diminished that in fact, the situation drains you.
    That's when addressing their control issues by not permitting them to exercise them any longer, is not only appropriate - it's necessary for your own well-being.

    We permit ourselves to be suckered in.
    It's then our task to take the initiative, and extract ourselves from the situation.
  • rainbowwarriorrainbowwarrior
    the subject of this thread says it all. accepting is a great quality - however - do not become a door mat. Or like Frederica said in another thread, don't give in to emotional vampires.
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    i really enjoyed this dharma talk on how to deal with difficult people:



    i know i've heard it before in a non-buddhist setting, but it really is the best to use the "sandwich" technique when giving advice/criticism. basically, start with one or two good things about a person... add in the criticism... end with a good thing. when you compliment someone, they tend to listen to what you are saying. if you just start with the criticisms right away, they are more likely to put up the walls and argue.

    "you know, you're always there for me when i need it and i really appreciate what a great friend you are... but sometimes i feel like you're too controlling and you don't really take my feelings into consideration... but i know that you mean well and don't mean to do it."
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    The way to countermand someone who is controlling is to first accept that you might be allowing their behaviour, and see what permitting them to control you, fulfils in you.

    There's a payoff. Some need in you, means you permit them to continue.
    However, that's not always the case. In my earlier thread on dealing with someone in a position of authority (an instructor in my case), sometimes you just have to suck it up. Depending on the hierarchical situation you find yourself in, a controlling person in a position of authority over you isn't something you "allow" or that "fulfills" you. It just is. And there's nothing you can do about it.

  • RogerRoger
    edited February 2011
    Bossy people? They are like mosquitoes. Instead of relentlessly flinging them away I just stare at bossy people frankly. My body language and the quizzical look on my face is standing my ground and asking , "You're _kidding_ right?" You expression-wise? Neutral is good! Angry or p*ssed is bad.

    Eventually the "boss" gets the idea they're crossing over limits and they should be embarrassed enough to stop or change their delivery.

    I'm hoping maybe that technique will work for your self-authorized "boss."

    GOOD LUCK!! :-/

    Justification? Pushing people around is causing suffering for everybody. Messing with people's self esteem gained from autonomy - it's a bad thing.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    The way to countermand someone who is controlling is to first accept that you might be allowing their behaviour, and see what permitting them to control you, fulfils in you.

    There's a payoff. Some need in you, means you permit them to continue.
    However, that's not always the case. In my earlier thread on dealing with someone in a position of authority (an instructor in my case), sometimes you just have to suck it up. Depending on the hierarchical situation you find yourself in, a controlling person in a position of authority over you isn't something you "allow" or that "fulfills" you. It just is. And there's nothing you can do about it.
    Right, but that's in a work environment. The OP was talking about a personal relationship. Those are two different things, apples and oranges. So the coping strategies would be different.
  • DaozenDaozen Veteran
    @ Mountains - well, there's always something that you can do. In your example (an overbearing authority figure/teacher) you could choose to leave the class if it was that big a deal. But before one does, it would definitely be a good idea to really look at one's own motivations, needs & desires, and see how they are affecting your perception of being controlled.
  • EpicurusEpicurus
    What if it's your mom?
  • lindsealindsea
    Or a sister in law :)
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