Attachment to Others

MindGate

I understand that attachment causes suffering. I experience this truth every day. So, I have a question. Is there any practical way to not be attached to a significant other and yet still love them and want to be around them? It just seems impossible to me. I know I am too attached to mine. It causes me pain. But I cannot just give this person up. So... I need help. What do I do?

footiam

I suppose you have to love unconditionally. It's a difficult task but it could be done if you don't think too much about it. Love and just love.

Jeffrey

Notice thinking as thinking. Notice loss as loss. Notice frustration as frustration.

A heavy conceptual notion of how to get unattached just leads to endless thinking. By not giving the mental arisings any power of conviction how could you be attached? Just dance with them.

Sabre

You don't need to give the person up. Love that person for who he/she is and not because that person happens to be your partner. Real love comes from non-attachment. If you can let it happen you will have the best relationship ever.

I didn't quite get this before, but when my ex-girlfriend left me to go with another my friends thought that I must have been very mad, confused etc. But after the initial shock I thought.. I'm not mad or anything, as long as she is happy with him it is fine.

Attachment in this case means thinking that person is somehow yours and will be in your life forever. Wanting to love and care for that person is something different and is not an attachment.

DhammaDhatu

The Buddha taught about permanence & impermanence.

The Buddha understood those who love others wish to maintain permanent relationships with their loved ones. So the Buddha instructed those in relationship to develop certain virtues & behaviours which are conducive to maintaining lasting relationships (see Samajivina Sutta, Sigalovada Sutta & this link: http://www.mahidol.ac.th/budsir/Part2_3.htm#13).

Although the Buddha encouraged the development of virtues conducive to lasting relationships, he also advised those in relationship to concurrently develop an understanding of impermanence, that we, as individuals, will inevitably be separated from all that is dear and appealing to us (see Upajjhatthana Sutta).

If we personally have a strong desire to be in relationship, this probably means we need such a relationship to develop our maturity as a human being. This is a necessary task for most if not all human beings. If so, the Buddha recommended we conduct such a relationship in a manner that is conducive to our human maturation, namely, with wisdom & virtue.

For example, the more a person learns to give in relationship, the stronger they will become as a human being. The stronger they become, the less vulnerable they will be, the more confident they will be. The Buddha said by giving, a person develops happiness, beauty, strength, long life & self-respect. The Buddha said there are at least three things we can give, namely, material gifts & helpful acts, safety & non-violence and equality.

To end, although relationship commonly begins with attachment, if relationship is used to develop a path of virtue, one's vulnerability to attachment & separation will diminish.

With metta

Ada_B

Loving without attachment is the ultimate love, because it doesn't love for anything it can get back.

patbb

But I cannot just give this person up. So... I need help. What do I do?

you don't give anyone up, you give the attachment to that person up.
You give up the fear of seeing them go, the sadness of the expectations not met.

What are you left with? just love.

ThailandTom

Attachment is one of the bigger hindrances to us isn't it, especially to a significant other or our parents. I am sure what I am adding to this thread is similar to what has been said but I will anyway.

From my experience, being ignorant and attaching to something is what the untamed mind does, it is what the vast majority of us do. We think that we own something or that this person has to be in our life for us to be happy. We almost ignore the inevitable fact that one day they will change or they will be gone and out of our lives. It takes a long time I think to actually manage ones mind to the point where say for example your mother dies and you do not cry at her funeral, but stand there and smile at her beautiful life.
This attachment comes into the matter of thinking you can control things that happen in life, that you have this right to have a certain person there. You can control certain aspects of life, but there are a hell of a lot of things you cannot. You need to accept what is and embrace it, not cling to it but accept it. I like to imagine the tree that sways with the strong wind rather than lean against it using all of its energy.

When we speak of love in a western sense, people normally think they love somebody when in actual fact they are merely attached, most of the time in a negative manner. Compassion is the word I like to use, if you have true compassion for somebody then you truly love them. The buddha said that we should go about our lives and treat each human as if they were our own mother.

Dakini

There's some good advice here, MG. If I may add a more personal note, you're leaning on your Signif. Other because you're kinda isolated in a small community, have no other friends, and have some other challenging circumstances to deal with as well. It might help if you could diversify in the support dept., and make a few friends, so that all your emotional eggs aren't in one basket. If you follow me. Good luck.

aMatt

Mindgate,

In addition to some of the other well aimed general wisdom regarding skillfully being in a relationship with others, a few of my observations you might find relevant:

1) As we cultivate a spaciousness in our minds for ourselves, such as through meditation, we also need to spend some noble effort cultivating a spaciousness in our perception of the relationship. I've found this happens best through loving communication and gentle questionings. What does the union mean to you, what does it mean to them? Where are you at in your observations, hopes and dreams, and where are they? Try to let go of what you assume the union is, and work to see if the two of you are seeing the same thing.

2) Detaching from a loved one is about cultivating a sense of respect for their individualized point of view, subjective lessons, and subjective preferences.

In practical terms, it really isn't about 'detaching' from 'them'... so much as detaching from our expectations and environment. This way, when our preferences and their preferences do not line up, we have an easy time coming to a solution that satisfies everyone. Either through seeing our preferences met, having an authentic joyousness that our partner's preferences are met, or being satisfied with the compromise between the two poles.

For instance, I like blue and my partner likes tan, but we do not go to war over the color of the towels. Sometimes we dry ourselves off with tan ones, sometimes blue ones. Also, she likes to 'dump' sometimes without looking more closely at what was experienced, and I like to look at the experiences. So, sometimes we talk closely about what we've seen and done, and sometimes we just hold each other's hand.

3) Detaching from the relationship is about respecting that the connectedness we feel with them is impermanent, and subject to the laws of death. Don't push the connectedness away, or cling to it, but hold it like it is something precious and alive. While it is present, do your best to experience it whole-heartedly, and when it leaves, do your best to experience the sense of loss whole-heartedly. Both are rich with potent lessons!

I hope you find great equanimity, relationships can be tricky.

With warmth,

Matt

Vincenzi

basically: caring is fine, attachment isn't.