Buddhist Punishment

MindGate

As a Buddhist and a parent, how would you go about punishing unruly children?

Spanking, hitting, etc, seems too harsh for a Buddhist to do. Taking privileges away from the kid still makes it seem like negative emotions are rising within the parent (from my experience, they've done so with anger), plus kids don't always learn from this way. So, what would you/do you/have you done in regards to bad children?

SherabDorje

Taking privileges away from the kid still makes it seem like negative emotions are rising within the parent...

Why?

MindGate

Taking privileges away from the kid still makes it seem like negative emotions are rising within the parent...

Why?

When parents do this, from what I've seen, they always do it with anger (again, from my experience).

Brandon

no matter what as a parent negative emotions will arise. don't try to stop negative emotions just as you notice that anger allow it to float away rather than attaching to it and allowing it to reign

Sabre

Oh no, please don't punish.

I am not a parent, but I have been a kid so I feel like I can respond here. For me it is clear punishment never works. It only chases them off, increasing the distance between parent and child. I'm happy my parents seldomly punished me and I grew up to be quite a nice kid if I may say so - Ok maybe I was a rebel sometimes, but it worked out in the end.

Instead if your kid did something you don't like (I don't call it bad, because what is 'bad' anyway? it doesn't exist in Buddhism) explain to them why you don't like it or why their behaviour isn't wise. Kids aren't stupid and they'll get the message if you bring it in the right way. Remember how you were like when you were, say, three years old. You really could feel the intention of your parents even if you didn't understand all the words. You knew when they were mad and when they were kind. What attitude learned you the most?


edit: I see you changed your post a bit (or I'm too tired ), but my reply still is ok.

SherabDorje

"When parents do this, from what I've seen, they always do it with anger (again, from my experience)."

I didn't always come from an angry or negative place with my son.

And I think Sabre pretty much says it above.

Dakini

"When parents do this, from what I've seen, they always do it with anger (again, from my experience)."

I didn't always come from an angry or negative place with my son.

Right, MG. The issue is the gratuitous anger that may (but doesn't need to) accompany the taking away of priviliges. But that would be a last resort, anyway. And the other tool parents have it to reinforce good behavior in various ways.

DhammaDhatu

As Buddhist practitioners, I would suggest we consider aspiring for 'prevention' rather than 'cure'.

Why are children naughty & restless?

Not enough love, intimacy, closeness, geninue friendship with their parents?

Being screamed at by their parents?

Fear of punishment by their parents & the withdrawal symptom of rebellion?

I do not have my own children but have spent enough time around children who are not receiving enough attention from their parents and who are basically receiving forms of violence, both gross & subtle, from their parents.

Intimacy, friendship, playfulness, trust, physical affection, baby massage, gentle & clear communication, empathetic reasoning, time, etc, especially trust, are the kinds of virtues that can be developed.

For example, the other day I went to the doctor for a checkup and there was a lady with her two nice kids but the kids had no sense of boundaries. The lady kept screaming at them: "Don't touch this, don't stand on that, don't play with this, etc".

Surely there is a way to communicate and teach children that they (the children) cherish their own belongings therefore do they expect other people would also cherish their own belongs? This is what i meant by term 'empathatic reasoning' to develop clear boundaries.

Generally, most parents are very impatient. Most parents lack 'time' and 'spaciousness' around children. That is, lacking 'conscious awareness'.

The parents themselves have no sense of 'playfulness'.

Imo, parents generally need to work on themselves more than their child.

Kind regards

compassionate_warrior

<blockquote rel="Dhamma Dhatu">the other day I went to the doctor for a checkup and there was a lady with her two nice kids but the kids had no sense of boundaries. The lady kept screaming at them: "Don't touch this, don't stand on that, don't play with this, etc". Surely there is a way to communicate and teach children that they (the children) cherish their own belongings therefore do they think about whether other people cherish their own belongs? </blockquote>

Yes, there is a way.  At the age of 3, children developmentally are able to understand the difference between "my own" and "not mine", or "someone else's". I've seen this concept taught across cultures at the same age. It works, unless there isn't a good bond between parents and child, then the child won't listen to that or any other "teachings".   And I wouldn't say "most parents are very impatient".  I think there's a problem in Western culture with how parents relate to their kids, especially within Anglo-Germanic heritage. But this is a subject for another thread. In any case, the key is to bond with the child in the first few years. I've noticed that in the West, many parents don't do this, or didn't used to.  Hopefully that is changing.

Ada_B

I don't punish my children physically because it isn't necessary, it isn't respectful and it's verging on illegal here in UK. I do tell my children off when they do something wrong, I take away privileges sometimes, and sometimes I lose my temper and shout at them (but then I never claimed I was perfect).

The best way to handle difficult behaviour is to distract, re-direct, explain if you can (preferably when they're not raging at you) and make sure negative consequences are clear. It annoys me that people confuse 'discipline' with 'hitting'. Discipline isn't even the same thing as punishment - generally, if you have to punish, you've lost control of the situation.

If you start getting wound-up and vengeful with your kids (an thus act like a 2 year old yourself), you simply feed the situation with negative energy. Things spiral out of control. I generally try to ignore unwanted behaviour as much as possible, and give attention to them when they're good.

I am pleased to say that even though I have an autistic son with behaviour problems, I rarely have to punish or do more than use harsh words. My kids aren't perfect but mutual respect goes a long, long way.

When they were small, the secret was keeping a routine, especially regular meals and bedtimes and making sure the rules were clear and unambiguous. Firm but fair.

genkaku

When my first child was in the offing, my sister, who already had two kids, offered me this advice: "Adam, you can read every book that was ever written about child-rearing or you can skip reading any of them ... either way, you won't know shit."

Three kids later, I'm inclined to agree with her. Every parent does what s/he can to protect and inform and guide. And every parent, by definition, is bound to come up "wrong." For this reason, I suggest going forward with as much attention and responsibility as possible and always remember that it's likely the mistake could have been miles worse.

I realize that this point of view ain't Walt Disney, but since kids aren't Walt Disney either, I figure it's not the worst view I could take.

federica

I can count on the fingers of one hand, the times I struck both my girls.
And whenever I did, I always apologised.
For losing my temper and striking out.
That was wrong.
But the provocation, or reason for my anger, was theirs to take.

Sometimes, if parents need to punish - maybe they have a point.

I rarely used the 'no' word (it ingrains negativity in a child's mind...)
I used phrases like "I'd rather you didn't" or "perhaps that's not such a good idea" or even "I don't agree with that"....
And when they became older, discussion was commonplace.
Compromise worked at times, but I remember a good phrase I learned:

"In matters of taste, swim with the current.
In matters of Principle, stand like a rock."

Works with most (if not all) situations!

Spock

I like discipline and boundaries! Children like discipline and boundaries.

I sometimes work with a group of children and adults together, and I've been known to be very autocratic with them. There's a very clear expectation that everyone is allowed to speak but also to listen. The class stops if someone is playing with equipment, not facing the front or talking when someone else if. Back chat is not allowed.

I've never sanctioned or punished anyone though. Mutual respect must be taught, and this is impossible without discipline and respect. The battle is lost when anger is involved I am sure this is paramount in monastic life too.

Barra

Dhama Datu must live in some other part of the continent. Here on the west coast I almost never see parents who are impatient, and I never see parents hitting their children. There are lots of other ways to provide guidance in a positive way. Parenting books are full of methods and examples. It has nothing to do with Buddhism. If you hit your child, you will engender fear and lack of respect from the child. If you explain why the behaviour is inappropriate, or about the consequences, or how it makes someone else feel, and provide an alternative, that is the way to go. There is also nothing wrong with a child learning consequences. If their behaviour is inappropriate, they can go sit in the quiet corner for a specific, relatively short period of time.