Anapana; my experience. Positive and negative.

Newstatesman

Hi everyone.
I've been doing about 1 - 2 hours of mindful breathing meditation every day now for about a year.
I started I guess because I had quite unpredictable and negative moods and an overwhelming craving for intoxication. The result after about 5 months of this practice was that I was no longer desiring drugs very frequently and my moods were relatively stable; attacks of anger and depression became less frequent.

The other things I have noticed are: an increased sense and intensity of emotions, I feel sort of hyper aware of my emotions, be they negative or positive.
This is sort of reminiscent of a mild dose of a psychedelic drug a lot of the time, which honestly, can be a bit overwhelming.

I don't know if my "happiness" has "improved" I definitely have a healthier lifestyle now, I drink moderately and rarely, I stopped smoking cigarettes, I exercise daily and I think for the most part I'm nicer.

However lately I've run into some problems: Since I quit smoking (about 3 months ago) I feel I've lost control of my emotions again, in hindsight I think I used nicotine to numb the intensity and control my emotions, but with that gone I've had some really bad anger and depressive episodes of late.

Lately in meditation I've noticed sometimes I'm observing some extremely overwhelming negative sensations, and afterwards they don't feel completely resolved only "brought to the surface". I don't really know what to do and I feel as though I've lost control over my emotions again.



So overall it'd be really great if someone could offer me some advice or wisdom.

Talisman

Nicotine withdrawal symptoms can last much much much longer than the actual physical withdrawl. I've quit twice, both time between 6-8 months and then started smoking again for really no reason at all. This may be effecting you.

Also, when meditating, if a "negative" sensation or thought arises, use it as an opportunity to practice equinimity. "Negative" is a judgement made by the discriminating mind and will lead to aversion and hatred which will lead to suffering. Just let it be and try to analyze the cause of such sensation without any kind of pushing or pulling, clinging or aversion, lust or hatred. Remain focused and mindful.

Newstatesman

I suppose I feel I've lost control though. I had a major episode of anger a few weeks back and I just felt like I was asleep, like I didn't have any control.

So I sort of feel like my practice is not working any more. I guess sometimes I get really negative in meditation because I really crave that clear state, that I often achieve where I let go of everything and become the moment. When I don't achieve that I always feel like I'm not letting go of something and it leads to frustration, because I feel like im not progressing.

SherabDorje

You might try looking at these articles by Tara Brach, or her book Radical Acceptance:

http://www.tarabrach.com/articles/index.html

and maybe some nicotine gum? Do you know anybody you could get a single piece to try before you buy a whole box? I know it's expensive.

Be well.

Newstatesman

I Suppose (after reading some of those articles) That a deeper analysis is required. Also nicotine gum wont help because I'm not actually addicted to it any more and not suffering from withdrawal symptoms per se. Thanks for your concern though .
I still have some questions on my mind though:
1) If I have a meditation session that doesn't result in feelings of clarity and euphoria; does that mean that it was counter productive? (even if I try my best to analyse the negativity?)

2) My practice of 1 - 2 hours Anapanasati daily, do you think that is an acceptable practice? do you think its too much/not enough?

3)Have you ever found yourself developing pride about your practice? I find this to be very counter productive and I was wondering if anyone had felt this way?

Talisman

1) Clarity and Euphoria are not peace and understanding. Don't become attached to any experience you may have as all states of mind are transient and empty. Let go of what you are trying to do with the meditation and just meditate. It is never counter-productive to discover new barriers on your path to liberation. Have patience and focus.

2) I don't meditate even close to that amount, but mostly due to time constraints and limited education. Determine for yourself the amount of time you feel is necessary for centering yourself and allowing the purpose of the practice to be acheived. For the long sessions, I'd definitely recomend some walking meditation to mix it up and keep you from getting "stuck."

3)Pride in personal acheivment is a good thing. It gives you motivation and energy to keep going and lets you know that the time spent has not been fruitless. The sutras mention recognition of attainments as an important part of personal progress.

Metta

buddhajunkie

You may not be addicted to nicotine but there's a reason you liked smoking to begin with. It elevates dopamine levels. So without it you may feel down even aside from withdrawal symptoms. Have you considered wellbutrin?

Isn't anapana a purely concentration exercise, as opposed to an insight method?

DaltheJigsaw

Hi everyone.
I've been doing about 1 - 2 hours of mindful breathing meditation every day now for about a year.
I started I guess because I had quite unpredictable and negative moods and an overwhelming craving for intoxication. The result after about 5 months of this practice was that I was no longer desiring drugs very frequently and my moods were relatively stable; attacks of anger and depression became less frequent.

The other things I have noticed are: an increased sense and intensity of emotions, I feel sort of hyper aware of my emotions, be they negative or positive.
This is sort of reminiscent of a mild dose of a psychedelic drug a lot of the time, which honestly, can be a bit overwhelming.

I don't know if my "happiness" has "improved" I definitely have a healthier lifestyle now, I drink moderately and rarely, I stopped smoking cigarettes, I exercise daily and I think for the most part I'm nicer.

However lately I've run into some problems: Since I quit smoking (about 3 months ago) I feel I've lost control of my emotions again, in hindsight I think I used nicotine to numb the intensity and control my emotions, but with that gone I've had some really bad anger and depressive episodes of late.

Lately in meditation I've noticed sometimes I'm observing some extremely overwhelming negative sensations, and afterwards they don't feel completely resolved only "brought to the surface". I don't really know what to do and I feel as though I've lost control over my emotions again.



So overall it'd be really great if someone could offer me some advice or wisdom.

I am having the same problem.
It is on and off with emotions.
Hard to always be mindful of them, but I am working on it.
I guess keep sitting? keep trying and keep pushing your practice further?
Maybe do an extra 30 min a day.
Also try to stay mindful when your emotions do come up?

hermitwin

Emotion is the body's reaction to your thoughts. Sometimes thoughts that we dont consciously think about. Anger is anger, so what, you dont have to shout or hit someone when you are angry. Do something else which is harmless when angry eg run up the stairs of your apartment. Then anger becomes just a hyper energetic state instead of a state when you destroy relationships and nearby objects. Then anger becomes uncomfortable but not destructive. Anger loses its power over you. Its hard but we need to exercise self-control.

SherabDorje

Have you considered wellbutrin?

That would be a doctor's call.

Cinorjer

Control is the problem. You want to control your emotions and moods and thoughts. With meditation, you learn how to monitor and focus on your mind, and control your thoughts and emotions to some extent, so you begin to struggle for that tiny bit more control that will satisfy your desire. When the law of diminishing returns and self-defeating frustration sets in, you find the goal further away than before. Most people stop meditating at this stage and blame the meditation.

A good meditation teacher tries to head off this dead end path that is common to people using meditation as a tool for mental health. You see, your mind is more than just your consciousness or focus of attention, which is what meditation works on. Remember the skandhas? Your mind is also composed of form, or the physical biochemical brain. Meditation has little effect on a brain restructuring from years on nicotine. You have to let that process happen, and it's going to effect the other skandhas, of course. Mood and memory and thoughts and consciousness are all interacting.

Meditation can not and should not be expected to perform miracles on your mind. You have 8 parts of the final Noble Truth, the 8-fold path. Right Meditation is only one of eight areas that need your effort to follow the Dharma.

By focusing exclusively on your mental state of mind, you're getting trapped in a selfish and doomed quest for a perfectly controled mind. You have to learn to let go of control, instead. Let the mind and situation merge and flow together in a spontanious, free dance!

seeker242

I suppose I feel I've lost control though. I had a major episode of anger a few weeks back and I just felt like I was asleep, like I didn't have any control.

So I sort of feel like my practice is not working any more. I guess sometimes I get really negative in meditation because I really crave that clear state, that I often achieve where I let go of everything and become the moment. When I don't achieve that I always feel like I'm not letting go of something and it leads to frustration, because I feel like im not progressing.

To really make progress means to let go of the craving to achieve that clear state all the time. The craving for that clear state may very well be the thing that is preventing you from getting it. This is not counterproductive because you are witnessing first hand how craving leads to suffering. You are witnessing the 2nd noble truth in action, firsthand in real time. Let go of the craving and the non-clear state stops being a negative thing. The clinging to the experience of that clear state is the very thing that causes the negativity of a non-clear state. You can't make your mind be clear. You have to step aside and let it become clear, which involves letting go of what you want and don't want. To just witness what is, without imposing a positive vs negative idea about things, is a part of that true clarity is. Productive practice is to let go of everything, including how you want your mind to be.

buddhajunkie

Have you considered wellbutrin?

That would be a doctor's call.

Nowadays it's pretty easy to get prescription meds for depression, especially wellbutrin. In a way, it's up to the patient. "hey doc, I'm feeling depressed and kinda crave smokes" pretty much guarantees a prescription for wellbutrin.

Newstatesman

Thanks for all these responses guys, some have been really insightful.

Ok first of all im really not into the idea of meds (wellbutrin). While my cravings/depression from cigarette cessation is a problem, I think I can ride it out.

Control is the problem. You want to control your emotions and moods and thoughts. With meditation, you learn how to monitor and focus on your mind, and control your thoughts and emotions to some extent, so you begin to struggle for that tiny bit more control that will satisfy your desire. When the law of diminishing returns and self-defeating frustration sets in, you find the goal further away than before. Most people stop meditating at this stage and blame the meditation.

A good meditation teacher tries to head off this dead end path that is common to people using meditation as a tool for mental health. You see, your mind is more than just your consciousness or focus of attention, which is what meditation works on. Remember the skandhas? Your mind is also composed of form, or the physical biochemical brain. Meditation has little effect on a brain restructuring from years on nicotine. You have to let that process happen, and it's going to effect the other skandhas, of course. Mood and memory and thoughts and consciousness are all interacting.

Meditation can not and should not be expected to perform miracles on your mind. You have 8 parts of the final Noble Truth, the 8-fold path. Right Meditation is only one of eight areas that need your effort to follow the Dharma.

By focusing exclusively on your mental state of mind, you're getting trapped in a selfish and doomed quest for a perfectly controled mind. You have to learn to let go of control, instead. Let the mind and situation merge and flow together in a spontanious, free dance!

I found this really hit the nail on the head for me, so to speak.
I think part of my problem is my preoccupation with being "in control" and meditation being done with the intention of gaining more control and pleasure.
Really I think the problem is im focusing too much attention on MY personal gain and what enjoyment I can get from meditating.
Thank you so much that really opened my eyes.

Newstatesman

Concerning my actual practice, do you guys think Anapanasati alone is an effective practice?

Also do you think being involved with a Buddhist organization is really beneficial?

I've been to a Zen Sangha about two times and I found it a bit impersonal and scary to be honest.

buddhajunkie

Concerning my actual practice, do you guys think Anapanasati alone is an effective practice?

It's supposed to be.

Previously, I confused this with "anapana" (without the "sati"). I've heard the term "Anapana" used by itself to refer to a strictly concentrative technique that precedes vipassana meditation.

Also do you think being involved with a Buddhist organization is really beneficial?

I've been to a Zen Sangha about two times and I found it a bit impersonal and scary to be honest.

It's beneficial if you like the people and the teacher there.

Maybe you can find another group on meetup.com.