I haven't reached the end of my rope, but I can see it from here...

Mountains

Whew... guys, I'm just plain exhausted. Mentally and physically. I launched into what I'm doing with my eyes open as much as it was possible for them to be, but like many things in life, you just can't understand this until you live it. I'm just run out. Thank god we have spring break next week, but between now and then is pure hell. I know it goes quickly, but the upshot is, I have to get at least a B in 2 out of 4 classes just to pass (our core curriculum requires a B to pass). One of those two has two exams that make up 100% of your final grade (how dumb is that?). We just took one of the exams, and I have no clue how I did on it. I may have aced it, or I may have totally bombed it. I really don't know. The exam coming up tomorrow (with another on Wednesday, and a 4 hour sim lab in between just for fun) is also crucial for me. I got a C on the first exam, so I really need to do well on this one to bring my average up. I have no idea what to expect, since the lecturers for this exam are different from those who did the first exam (and from those who will do the next ones). One can never know what to expect, because the lecturers come and go, so you're never able to get a bead on how they teach and how they test. Oh, and then there's clinicals two days a week. Thursday was great last week. Friday, not so much. I got off on the wrong foot with my Friday preceptor (preceptor is different every day), and it went down hill from there. By Friday afternoon I was ready to go apply at McDonalds or someplace.

I guess I just needed to vent. Several people have expressed amazement that I'm attempting this at age 48 (most people in my class are about half my age). I took that as a compliment, but now I'm not so sure how smart I was for attempting it. What I *don't* want to do is sacrifice my own health just to attain a professional goal.

I'd best run along and study some more...

Dakini

Wait until you get your grades back from the exam. You know what the Tibetans say; if it's out of your control, there's no use worrying about it. You did your best studying for the exams. (Strange how there's a disconnect between the material taught and the exams...) Your best is all you can do. How many more months/years of this do you have left?

Worry (stress hormones) will only cause you to do worse on the remaining exams. Do deep breathing to calm the nervous system. Get a massage if you can afford it. Relax, to keep the mind clear for the remaining exam prep. Don't stress out. You'll make it. Please let us know how you do.

federica

My partner has just graduated at 48 after 4 years at Law School.

I get it, I really do...

Do you have any hair left, or have you pulled it all out yet?

Relax when you can. I mean it, really. Chill, do nothing, rest your mind.
be lazy, eat popcorn, watch brain-dead TV, sleep. Breathe, walk, chill.

be good to yourself.
Much as you may not believe it now, this really is all worth it.

Talisman

What a blessing. I can't wait to get back to school. Good luck, friend. Remember to breath.

Jeffrey

My head hurts reading it, but your head must be spinning with all your studies. I am cheering for you.

fivebells

I have no idea what to expect, since the lecturers for this exam are different from those who did the first exam (and from those who will do the next ones). One can never know what to expect, because the lecturers come and go, so you're never able to get a bead on how they teach and how they test. Oh, and then there's clinicals two days a week.

Go talk to the lecturers, outline what you've studied in your preparation for the exam, and ask them whether you ought to cover anything else...

Mountains

Unfortunately I'm 4.5 hours' drive from the university (in a distance ed program via interactive TV), so jiffing by someone's office isn't possible. Also, don't know how other programs are, but this one is very much a "here it is, do your best with it" type attitude. Not that lecturers aren't open to communication, but from what I've gathered, they're not especially anxious to give extra help. They figure that by the time you've reached this point, you should be able (just like all those who've come before you) to figure things out from the lecture and on your own. And it's not that I'm having particular trouble with the material - it's just that there's SO much of it, and SO little time to work with when all the "extra" stuff is thrown into the mix. It's mind boggling.

This too shall pass (whether or not I do)... Now back to our regularly scheduled vascular surgery lecture...

compassionate_warrior

Mountains, when you have a 9-hr. round-trip commute, I can see why there's not much time to study all the material! This is, indeed, mind-boggling! (How is that even possible?!) Have you talked to your fellow students to see how they're handling the challenges? Especially the part about the lecturers not teaching to the material? What university are you in, if I may ask? Who's responsible for this disjointed program?

aMatt

And it's not that I'm having particular trouble with the material - it's just that there's SO much of it, and SO little time to work with when all the "extra" stuff is thrown into the mix. It's mind boggling.

Mountains,

With a journey so busy, its no wonder its unraveling a little.

You have the ability to absorb the information, and if you spend a little time (even 10 minutes) meditating to remove the clutter like worry, anxiety and other additional baggage, I'm sure your focus will be that much more potent and you'll absorb it even faster. I believe in you!

I'm 34 and back in school, its hectic to say the least. I stay alive by making tons and tons of flash cards.

With warmth,

Matt

pearl

Hang in there Mountains!!

I'm rooting for you. Remember to sleep and eat! And laugh. Laughing helps a ton.

compassionate_warrior

Get a massage if you can afford it.

Do this. You'll be glad you did. You'd be surprised how your worries melt away, and life suddenly seems a lot more manageable after a massage. They're magic.

Mountains

Mountains, when you have a 9-hr. round-trip commute, I can see why there's not much time to study all the material! This is, indeed, mind-boggling! (How is that even possible?!)

No, no... I'm in a distance ed location. We have an interactive TV/internet hookup with the mothership in Richmond. We do everything via tele-presence.

Jeffrey

I passed a year and a half of pharmacy school with psychosis every other month. For 1/2 a semester I did nothing but design characters for Neverwinter Nights 1. Luckily I was sane the first half. And I did good on the part of the therapeutics exam for mental illness :P

Mountains

Thank goodness for zolpidem and clonazepam. I'd be sunk without them.

SherabDorje

Thank goodness for zolpidem and clonazepam. I'd be sunk without them.

Amen to that, Bro. Going to nurse anesthetist school is not something I would have tried at 48.

zombiegirl

Get a massage if you can afford it.

Do this. You'll be glad you did. You'd be surprised how your worries melt away, and life suddenly seems a lot more manageable after a massage. They're magic.

if money is tight, you can always look into getting a student massage if you have a massage school close to you. at my school, they were $15 for a half an hour. quite affordable.

and good luck mountains! i miss your posts but now i understand

Dakini

Hang in there Mountains!!

I'm rooting for you.

Yeah, ditto all of the above. We're all tuned in to your continuing saga.

P.S. Is "I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I can see it from here" the flipside of "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel?"

Mountains

I'm fairly sure at this point that any light I see is most definitely a locomotive heading my way at breakneck speed.

Thanks for the good thoughts everybody. I just spoke with a friend who is a class ahead of me, and she pretty much echoes everything everybody says here. Still, I'm seriously starting to wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew here. No decisions just yet, as I don't want to burn any bridges, but I'm beginning to consider options.

Jeffrey

My ex used to say when I asked her how she was doing, both in school. And she'd say "shovel and a shotgun". Maybe it was just me but school is tough.

Mountains

"Tough" - there's a piece of humor that made me smile. Yes, definitely tough. Sort of like a nuclear weapon goes "bang".

compassionate_warrior

I Still, I'm seriously starting to wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew here. No decisions just yet, as I don't want to burn any bridges, but I'm beginning to consider options.

Have you received the grades yet from the exams you took? Let that be your guide. You never know--you may get a pleasant surprise. (And yes, having one exam count as 100% of the grade is bad. Are they cutting corners because this is an online course? Not wanting to spend the time or money to design more than one exam for the course?)

Mountains

I'm really not that terribly concerned about grades on the course work at this point. That's a part of it, but it's the overall density of material, and the downright insane schedule we have to keep (which only gets worse). I'm so physically and mentally exhausted I can't see straight. And actually the majority of the learning that goes on in this program happens in the operating room while actually performing anesthesia. The number of medications (and numerous different aspects of them, their chemistry, their pharmacology, etc) that we have to know *stone cold* is astounding. My brain just can't keep up with it. Using them on a daily basis will of course help, but we're being expected to pretty much know a large chunk of them right now (in addition to the course work) - plus - all the physiological phenomena that happen when you put someone to sleep and start cutting and chopping on them in any of 10,000 different ways. Like I said, it's mind-boggling.

compassionate_warrior

OK, I'll make a point of avoiding ending up on the operating table that you're training on (YIKES!). Until you get more experience, anyway.

IAnd actually the majority of the learning that goes on in this program happens in the operating room while actually performing anesthesia.

This worries me.

The number of medications (and numerous different aspects of them, their chemistry, their pharmacology, etc) that we have to know *stone cold* is astounding.

But you've been studying that part for a couple of years, leading up to this, right? (Please say "yes" :eek2: )

Mountains

There's only one way to learn how to *do* something. And that's not in a classroom. I don't care if that's flying 747s, baking cakes, or performing anesthesia. Medicine has always been taught by doing - it's the only way. Rest assured they don't leave students alone in the OR - ever. No more than the chance of having a medical student performing your surgery. We're all highly experienced ICU nurses before starting this program. Actually, as anal-retentive and terrified as students are, I'd almost rather have one of us doing my anesthesia than some others I know. We tend to be hyper-aware and hyper-concerned about every little thing that happens.

Re the meds - some of them are meds we've used before, but it's a whole different ballgame in anesthesia. You use them differently, and you tend to use them in very different doses, combinations, etc, plus there are a whole BUNCH of new ones you've never used before on top of that. It's one thing to know a drug, and it's quite another to have somebody breathing down your neck asking for every single scrap of information known about the drug.

SherabDorje

But wouldn't you pretty much expect a nurse anesthetist course to be that tough? I mean, don't they have to "wash out" the psychologically weak too? There's no room for mistakes in anesthesia- you have to get it right first time, all the time. Yes, maybe their attitude could be a little more friendly, but I'm not surprised that it's this tough.

It will be interesting to see when you go for exams how people who seem to be succeeding act and whether people you might talk with share your sentiments.

Mountains

Yes, that's why I said above, I went into this with my eyes *fully* open. But until you're in it, you simply cannot describe what it's like. It's just impossible. No words are adequate.

Dakini

I'm fairly sure at this point that any light I see is most definitely a locomotive heading my way at breakneck speed.

No decisions just yet, as I don't want to burn any bridges, but I'm beginning to consider options.

What options are you considering, Mts.? I thought the nurse-anesthetist idea was brilliant. I suppose you'd still qualify for almost anything in the nursing field, maybe switching to a different nursing track, is that what you had in mind?

It will be interesting to see when you go for exams how people who seem to be succeeding act and whether people you might talk with share your sentiments.

Let us know how you did on the exams. I guess part of your question is, even if you did ok, do you want to keep sweating it out? How much more of this is on the calendar?

Here's a thought; you said your brain isn't able to keep up. I wonder how much of that sense of difficulty is due to stress hormones gumming up the brain, and also lack of sleep? maybe if you could resolve those problems, you'd function better mentally. (Easier said than done, I know.) Anyway, keep us posted.

Deformed

Mountains, are you a med student?

Mountains

Mountains, are you a med student?

Nurse Anesthetist student. Don't know where you're from, but in the US and many other countries, the majority of anesthesia is performed by nurses, not doctors. We do of course have MD anesthesiologists, just not nearly as many as we have nurse anesthetists. In the US about 75% of all surgical anesthesia is performed by nurses. The training, as you might imagine, is quite rigorous. It's very much like drinking from a fire hose most of the time

compassionate_warrior

Mountains, are you a med student?

Nurse Anesthetist student. The training is very much like drinking from a fire hose most of the time

LOL! I love this! Your sense of humor will help you get through this, if you get an acceptable average on your exams, that is.