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My Sister feels Useless!
My youngest sister is overwhelmed by a feeling of uselessness and feeling the need to save the world at the same time.
I've been working with her on being mindful of the present moment, but I think that her life has been awash with constant worry and frustrations, making it difficult for her to be mindful of anything other than "what will happen", "what has already happened", "where is my life going?", "I havent done anything to help anybody", "I'm not happy", "I dont know what I want, let alone what would make me happy".
So shes unhappy.
So I suggested that we try to think in small steps. Instead of learning to conduct a symphony, first lets get a wand. Then worry about the next step of getting people who play instruments.
She seems to jump way ahead of herself and decides its a failure before she trys. And I can see why...because a lot of her ideas are...FAntastical!! "LETS SAVE THE WORLD!!" Ok, now what?
I've suggested that maybe she should worry about making herself happy first, but shes having difficulty in figuring out what exactly that entails.
My next suggestion was, take a first step in finding something everyday that would better herself, no matter how small.
Does anyone have any ideas of small-things that one could do in a single day that would better yourself?
I told her that before she can help anyone else, she has to help herself first. I think a part of her understands this, but another part of her is having trouble letting go of the things she can not control.
Any advice???? :thumbsup:
I've been working with her on being mindful of the present moment, but I think that her life has been awash with constant worry and frustrations, making it difficult for her to be mindful of anything other than "what will happen", "what has already happened", "where is my life going?", "I havent done anything to help anybody", "I'm not happy", "I dont know what I want, let alone what would make me happy".
So shes unhappy.
So I suggested that we try to think in small steps. Instead of learning to conduct a symphony, first lets get a wand. Then worry about the next step of getting people who play instruments.
She seems to jump way ahead of herself and decides its a failure before she trys. And I can see why...because a lot of her ideas are...FAntastical!! "LETS SAVE THE WORLD!!" Ok, now what?
I've suggested that maybe she should worry about making herself happy first, but shes having difficulty in figuring out what exactly that entails.
My next suggestion was, take a first step in finding something everyday that would better herself, no matter how small.
Does anyone have any ideas of small-things that one could do in a single day that would better yourself?
I told her that before she can help anyone else, she has to help herself first. I think a part of her understands this, but another part of her is having trouble letting go of the things she can not control.
Any advice???? :thumbsup:
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Comments
In order to be helped, she first has to recognise - I mean, really recognise and accept - that she has a problem. if she thinks it's all beyond her, or that there is no hope, inspite of what anyone says - in short, if she is constantly "yes, but" - ing, then you have an uphill struggle....
Some delight in remaining where they are because however intense the pain, it is a state they are familiar with.
How do your parents feel about her situation? And - importantly - how old is she?
My parents dont really know the extent of her feelings of uselessness. She tends to hide it from others in our family. She spoke to me about it, but thats about it.
I think she realizes that she has a problem. She says she has Hope, but I get the sense that she feels that its way beyond the horizon and she dosen't have the transportation to get there.
There are a lot of "Yes, buts..." while speaking to her.
Shes doesnt have a lot of patience and I think thats a big part of the problem. She wants to take huge steps instead of taking small tiny ones.
Depression is difficult to overcome.
Your sister and the Buddha have a lot in common.
The Buddha was an extraordinary man. He spent his whole life trying to find the answers to the secret of life's riddles -- How can I be truly happy, and how can I help others do the same? He gave up his entire life to discover the answers, and all that he had to do to achieve them was sit, and watch his mind.
Your sister has the same motivations and questions that the Buddha had 2500 years ago. And just like the Buddha, she too can discover the answers. The only problem is that she is looking outside for the answers, when in fact she should be looking inside.
Do the best you can to be supportive and steer her in the right direction, but don't 'push' her. Just simply point out the way. If she stumbles and falls down, be there to pick her back up. Your compasssion for her will do her wonders.
Unfortunetly, the rest will have to be up to her.
I hope that she finds her inspiration.
Best wishes.
Jason
As regards, "Does anyone have any ideas of small-things that one could do in a single day that would better yourself?" Yes - stop trying to better yourself.
Adiana:wavey:
You have given me a lot of information to meditate on. You're right Zenmonk about "stop trying to better yourself."
I dont know what I was thinking in coming to that conclusion. I was trying to be helpful, but I can see how that actually has the opposite effect.
She has been treated for depression in the past. I'm not sure if she is still on meds or not, but it seemed as though she was doing better...but over the last week I have seen that its mainly an act, for the family's benefit.
Federica...Yeah, I've been very concious of the rope around my own neck. I'm very, very mindful that she could potentially drag me down with her, since misery loves company...Yet I do a really good job (for myself) of letting her problems be hers, not mine. I'm still trying to understand the difference between compassion for someone suffering, and pity for someone suffering.
I am mindful of her suffering, and I'm trying to be compassionate. My problem i think is that I dont know how one helps another through compassion without it turning to pity. I do know that when I feel that I'm pitying someone, I correct myself back to being mindful of my own discourse.
Her "Yes, buts--" do get aggrevating and sometimes I just have to drop her completely from my mind.
Elohim...I'm going to tell her that analogy of the Buddha experiencing the same thing as her. I find it tough sometimes trying not to draw conclusions for her. I realize she needs to draw the conclusions herself. Yet she draws conclusions that dont make sense. So that gets annoying. A lot of times she draws conclusions that support her current behavior, therefore making zero progress.
Oh well. Thanks all. :thumbsup:
In my attempt to "nudge" her down a sustaining path, she volunteered the info that she was very interested in learning more about Buddhism.
She said this as I was getting ready to leave to go to a Mindful Living Sangha. I asked if she wanted to go. The first half-hour would be a meditation, then the next half hour would be a walking-meditation, then the next half hour would be readings from a Thich Naht Hahn book, then another halfhour meditation.
I explained what it would involve, and she said yes. She had actually meditated with me in the past, so she had a small inkling of what meditation was, so she wasnt completely confused when we got there and started meditating.
The person running the Sangha was kind enough to explain his own understanding of meditation to her before we started.
It was nice. We talked about it on the way home, and most of the day. We even did a candle-light meditation later in the day.
I dont know whats going to come of it, but I guess thats all I can do. I know its up to her to make her own choices. I'm just pleased that she enjoyed herself.
Thanks all for listening and responding.
-Knot
I actually decided this course of action a few days ago. So far she hasnt asked anything of me.