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being cruel to be kind (kinder to me!) further anti door mat planning needed!
Months back I started a thread when I was literally at the point of snapping because a friend kept calling me up and moaning to me about her then husband - she called me one night 4 times during the the night. That was a good while ago and since then ive literally been avoid this friend like the plaque. Brief history she married a guy i knew was bad and I didnt like any way - she asked for my opinion and I reccommended she take some time out before taking the plunge and marrying the guy, but no she married him anyway and now complains to me (i keep getting the urge to sayi i told you soo!) about him! So she is now going through a divorce process, and yet still moaning to me.
Ive been avoiding her calls and thought it would be obvious im not keen to maintian a friendship in doing that but now its clear she still needs to depend on me for comfort. Help what can I do to avoid being brutally cruel to her and having to avoid her totally. A friend even said to turn the tables and moan at her about some of your stress and see she helps you or leave you alone with some space.
What more can I do to stop people treat me like a door mat! Help!
Ive been avoiding her calls and thought it would be obvious im not keen to maintian a friendship in doing that but now its clear she still needs to depend on me for comfort. Help what can I do to avoid being brutally cruel to her and having to avoid her totally. A friend even said to turn the tables and moan at her about some of your stress and see she helps you or leave you alone with some space.
What more can I do to stop people treat me like a door mat! Help!
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But where you are going from here, you wish to avoid brutal cruelty, which you feel would be an ingredient in separating from her. I would think being honest about the stress relating to her gives you would in a sense be brutal, but it might open her up to questioning her own boundaries in that situation. I would imagine that she would have a conscience and you can go from there.
You say "she needs to depend on me for comfort". Maybe she needs to be uncomfortable. You gave your opinion, she made her bed, now she can lie in it.
What's the worst thing that can happen?
I've become a master at changing subjects now im not going to help someone who does listen to the advice of others - I have turned to you here for advice and you have helped me. I take advice on board and I will try and help myself to a point where i hit a limit. Its now like im a doormat for her to walk over - even though im giving all the signs im bored.
Jeffery, this is where the Doormat element came into it. She walks all over me like a door mat for advice and whatever she needs so i decided to cut her loose as a friend but she keeps needing support. I actually kept twisting the conversation today and went on about my stress - this seems to have cut the phone call shorter (as she is never there for me and the compassion is a one way street here!)
I dont want to be cruel or nasty to get a stressful person out of my life - as im not like that naturally. How do you deal with people like this? :banghead:
a) You could tell her that since she's not keen to listen to you when you need some emotional support, but she expects more from you than you're able to give, you're going to have to end the friendship. You can be upfront and say it's not working for you, it so much of a one-way street, and your exhausted. You need a break.
b) (not as drastic) Put her on a telephone diet. One one call/day or per week to vent. If she calls you more than that, tell her apologetically that you're busy (or tired, or you have guests, whatever), and that she already used her call quota for the given time period.
These approaches are more straightforward and honest than trying to avoid her. More challenging to pull off, but do-able. Both options are anti-doormat medicine.
Or you could call her four times during the night to talk about your stress and see how that works.
You don't have to be cruel or nasty. Just be firm. Say "I'm going to put the phone down now", in a nice gentle firm voice. Don't answer the door when she comes over. If she comes over, tell her to call first, and then say that you don't want to talk about it.
You don't have to be cruel or nasty. Just be firm. I think this is at least as much as your discomfort over feeling cruel and nasty. Just practice being firm. Rehearse it out loud to yourself if necessary, or practice in front of a mirror.
I wish was never so compassionate - i gather her other friends have done this to her already. As much as I would like to reduce the world suffering and hers, she has this way bring out the worst in me! I know i need to be assertive but I feel so guilty to leave her in the lurch. :banghead:
I think she's very lonely at the moment and maybe depressed. Im might have to be selfish because I do feel like I cant help her - her pride wont allow her to see a specialist (psychologist) and not one either. I have told her to see one a number of times and she wont.
So how can you put your ex-friend in a place where you don't feel guilty. Presumably you would have to let her know that she should look for professional help if she is going to have a one way street. Then it is someone's job to be a doormat.
Tell her that her load is her responsibility, and you want nothing more to do with it.
You advised her right at the beginning that her marriage was a really bad idea, but she went ahead and did it anyway.
It's her problem it's down to her to deal with it.
You have more than enough on your own plate to deal with, and you have neither the time, nor the patience - and as it happens, frankly the desire - to have anything more to do with this. You're sorry for her difficulties, but they're not your responsibility. Hope things improve for her, but you really don't want to hear another word about it.
You really mean it. THis is nothing to do woith you, and frankly, it's not something you ever want to deal with again, "so please, back off, show some respect, and don't contact me, at all".
Have a nice life, and get back to you when it's all over, done and dusted, and no longer on the table as an issue.
Goodbye, good luck, and be well.
Over an out!
I think she has gotten to the center and naturally that doesn't feel right. And other things fighting to be at the center.
Get angry when she comes without a phone call. Tell her she invades your privacy and to leave.
And you now have a Plan C, that Federica provided. Sometimes it does help to put things in writing.
But here's what alarms me a little about the whole scenario. When she can't talk to you by phone, she comes to your place in person. And you let her in. And it starts all over. You know what I do when the doorbell rings and I'm not expecting anyone? I --get this radical concept-- /don't answer the door!/ It helps if you have a garage for your car (or if you don't have a car), so people can't tell you're home. You're not required to answer the door when someone knocks or rings. It's not a commandment or precept. You're not required to answer the phone when someone calls either (caller ID is a godsend!). Coming over to your home, knowing you're trapped inside, is harassment, pure and simple. If you don't come to the door, maybe she'll get the message.
You have to change your modus operandum. You have to give her a brand new angle, and if that means getting as mad with her as you've effectively shown you can be, to us, then so be it.
You have to finally lose it and get mad.
Even if it means shouting at her, to get the hell oput of your life and quit stalking you, because you've had it up to *here* with her whingeing, whining and relentless sorry story.
you don't care! You don't want to hear about it, and you really don't want her hanging all this crap on you, because it's not yours to deal with - it's hers!
Come on, LL.... get with the programme!
Sometimes, in order to administer Wise compassion to others, we have to have it for ourselves first.
I mean, how much more can you take??
How much more do you think you should be expected to take - ?!?
Good luck.
Consider how you keep trying to "give her signs" rather than be clear with boundaries. I accept you wish to help her, but the way you're going about it now is not helping, or you would also feel good about the progress you were making. What you're doing now is called enabling. Hinting is not the best way, especially when people are in a swirly pattern like your friend.
If you stop enabling her, perhaps she will get to the point where she seeks the professional help she needs. Rather than a self help book, consider suggesting to her to a woman's resource center, community mental health or a recovery group.
You also sound like you could benefit from creating firm boundaries with her. Tell her not to call you as often, not to come over uninvited, and respect that your time is precious, and there are better ways for her to seek help. Also, perhaps telling her flat out that you will not tolerate her simply bitching, and will only listen if she intends to use her time to overcome whatever it is that is paining her.
Good luck!
With warmth,
Matt
Perhaps even find one for her.
Then every times she start a conversation just say "I told you i don't want to talk about this. talk about this to your counselor"
Repeat a few times if she wont let go.
Then threaten to leave or hang up the phone if she doesn't stop immediately.
If this doesn't work, just say "I love you dear but i told you i was going to hang up if you didn't stop. you did not stop. Bye bye -click"
Shouldn't take more than a few conversation for her to stop and find a ear that is willing and in good disposition to listen to her and offer support.
I just decided this morning that enough is enough. I was meeting up with her and a few other friends before yoga class so I had a scheduled amount of time to stay there (planned this bit out!) I didnt expect to sit down and instantly have her moan about her dad asking her to move out and how the ex-husband wont sign the papers and as much as i twisted the conversation with my other yoga-buddy there she kept bringing the topic back to her. So I just snapped a little and was firm - told her I cant help anymore and she decided to walk this path and it didnt work out, so move on.
My yoga-buddy (not the friend in question) was surprised as she turned to me and said she wanted to move in with me at some stage which is when i was suddenly smacked into the reality that she clearly doesnt listen well. I had to just say its time to end the friendship here as she is not listening to me ever - not concerned for me when i told you last night im stressed out. Im not the one to be confrontation in front of other friends but I just snapped at her when im telling her one thing and she's not even listening. She then started crying in a coffee shop as i spelt it out for her no more friendship and total dependency my way.
Im so fed up of people like this. There was never an element of gratefulness for all I did for her so far. Im never going to help anyone that much ever again! Lesson learnt! I cant believe that - wise compassion has to be done. I only had other friends there as we meet there before heading out the yoga class and I didnt even want her in my house or be alone with her. Im so surprised it came to that - and her crying in a coffee shop.
I feel so much more relieved though - im never helping a person that much ever again.
She may convince herself you really didn't mean it, or simply not take you at your word and - here's something new (not!) not actually "hear" you when you say enough is enough.
So while you stated your case, and obviously got a reaction out of her, she may not give up so easily.
make sure you don't either.
Hugs, and be well.
good view of Wise Compassion, BtW....
Im going to have to be more assertive a lot more sooner before people start totally walking all over me!
Sounds like you've had a great wake-up call, and that things can only get better for you hereon in....
let us know how things develop for you, if indeed they do....
I dont think i ever maintained a long period of calm and peace to notice this stuff before (how sad is that!)