I see my friends' issues and know meditation would help.... But don't know how to tell them

HappyMondays

I really don't want to be preachy or overbearing to my friends, and I notice myself wanting to tell them "all this pain you're creating, all this suffering we create, myself included, all this you're telling me now, meditation would help you so much".
I see their patterns and habits, just like they can see mine when I can't, and yet I feel like I would be pushy, religious, dogmatic, or overstepping boundaries if I suggested meditation to them.
It's kinda sad and bittersweet because I love them and wish for their happiness and yet I don't know the best way to help without being selfish or egotistical.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Thank you my friends:)
May you all be filled with happiness and clear-seeing peaceful joy.
Tim

Blackmoth

know how you feel have the same problem with my friends. i love them and want them to be happy and i know that buddhism helps but it's hard to use helpfully in a way that they won't find offensive

federica

Try saying, "I never seem to have problems like that...."

and see if they bite.

But be gentle, not preachy in your approach.....

buddhajunkie

tell them how it helps you. Then say maybe it can help them. By pointing out your own flaws first, you will make them less defensive.

Also, it helps to have a good presentation ready to describe Buddhist psychology as well as the scientific evidence to support it.

Supertramp

Just like we read about Buddhism or hear from Buddhist teachers, the things we read aren't to be taken as truths, we need to experience everything for ourselves to find out. The teachings we read and hear are just ways to guide us towards what we find to be true. In the same way you can guide your friends towards meditation but it's for them to approach you (or look online or wherever) with their questions. Don't give answers when no question has been posed. Mentioning meditation can be very very subtle, only if the person is interested in it they'll approach you with their questions (or look it up elsewhere).
When my mother mentioned mindfulness and meditation to me 5 years ago I wasn't interested, but she didn't push it, she just let me know there's such a thing. In the end I found my way there on my own.

vinlyn

I think Supertramp has the best approach.

I think it's important to remember that Buddhists are not the only people who are happy. My evangelical friends are happy, too, and attribute their happiness to their faith. So, do we want them pushing their religious beliefs on us? And having lived in Thailand for a year-and-a-half, where 95% of the people profess to be Buddhist, by far, everyone there is not happy.

Subtlety may well be the key. To the OP, it almost sounds like you want to share what you have found with all your friends, although perhaps that's not what you really meant. Offering to share with "a" friend is a lot different than "spreading the word". I've never seen proselytizing condoned in Buddhism, but opening a door ajar may be acceptable (e.g., "I'm kinda stressed out today. Guess I've gotta get back into my meditating"), and seeing if they pick up on the conversation.

fivebells

They have to come to it themselves. If you push them into it, they will blame you when they hit the really difficult stuff.

genkaku

Try saying, "I never seem to have problems like that...."

and see if they bite.

But be gentle, not preachy in your approach.....

Or, alternatively, say, "Yes, I know what you mean. I have the same problem from time to time. I have found meditation to be a helpful tool." If they bite, fine. If they don't bite, keep up your good meditation practice.

nibbuti

What fivebells said. Don't tell them about yourself or meditation. If there's acute suffering, they'll be overwhelmed. Just listen, empathise and say "If I were you, I'd do ........(something practical and down-to-earth)".

aMatt

HappyMondays,

Consider using the observation to cultivate greater compassion for them. Perhaps you could give more hugs, take their hand gently and tell them you are there for them, that you feel empathy for their difficulty. By simply making yourself genuinely available for them, without an inner need for their problems to be solved, you might find you are in a place to learn and teach.

Not by giving unasked for advice, but by listening well, and speaking what seems most helpful. For most people, helping them cultivate mindfulness is about helping them relate to their environment, not teaching them to meditate. For instance if it is said "I am angry with my mom!" It would be better to say "that must be painful for you" than "if you meditate you'd feel differently" or "anger is corrosive". Even remaining silent and just being with them, really, empty of personal longing for them to be free, can be as refreshing as a glass of water.

Don't try to become their teacher, but give them water for their thirst. When they are ready, they will ask, and the water you gave them will prove to them that what you say, you say because you are on their side... because you always have been. Not because you are an evangelical Buddhist.

With warmth,

Matt

neuralzen

There is some great advice here! In my own circles I often talk about the scientific studies on meditation and how it helps memory, attention, emotion management, empathy, etc. as a reason for why I advocate it's practice; but never push it on others unless they ask my honest advice on a personal problem and I think meditation would help specifically. The hands off approach often works, though, and several of my friends and family have started a meditation practice after hearing its benefits discussed and then looking into it themselves. In the end, you cannot do it for them.

buddhajunkie

What fivebells said. Don't tell them about yourself or meditation.

I don't understand. Why is there a need to be secretive of your own practice?

HappyMondays

HappyMondays,

Consider using the observation to cultivate greater compassion for them. Perhaps you could give more hugs, take their hand gently and tell them you are there for them, that you feel empathy for their difficulty. By simply making yourself genuinely available for them, without an inner need for their problems to be solved, you might find you are in a place to learn and teach.

Not by giving unasked for advice, but by listening well, and speaking what seems most helpful. For most people, helping them cultivate mindfulness is about helping them relate to their environment, not teaching them to meditate. For instance if it is said "I am angry with my mom!" It would be better to say "that must be painful for you" than "if you meditate you'd feel differently" or "anger is corrosive". Even remaining silent and just being with them, really, empty of personal longing for them to be free, can be as refreshing as a glass of water.

Don't try to become their teacher, but give them water for their thirst. When they are ready, they will ask, and the water you gave them will prove to them that what you say, you say because you are on their side... because you always have been. Not because you are an evangelical Buddhist.

With warmth,

Matt

Beautifully put. Thank you.

nibbuti

What fivebells said. Don't tell them about yourself or meditation.

I don't understand. Why is there a need to be secretive of your own practice?

Not secretive, but also not pushy.

When there is pleasant meditation, there can be the desire to share with the whole world.

But if there's acute suffering, people are overwhelmed by breath, let alone 'my story'.

To commit oneself, a person needs personal motivation rather than someone else's.

buddhajunkie

^^^

I'm not sure if the OP was specifically referring to "acute" suffering.

If a friend has "normal" suffering, I don't see why it would be futile to talk about how meditation has helped. From that example, they might form their own desire to investigate it for themselves.

seeker242

What fivebells said. Don't tell them about yourself or meditation.

I don't understand. Why is there a need to be secretive of your own practice?

Not secretive, but also not pushy.

When there is pleasant meditation, there can be the desire to share with the whole world.

But if there's acute suffering, people are overwhelmed by breath, let alone 'my story'.

To commit oneself, a person needs personal motivation rather than someone else's.

It's possible to talk about it and how good it is, without being pushy IMO. The Dharma is the greatest gift one can give, above all others. To not give it would be a disservice IMO. Whether or not they will accept it, is another story. However, simply because they might not accept it, isn't a good enough reason to not give it to them IMO. They may decide to accept it 2 or 5 years from now, who knows? However, each situation calls for an intuitive understanding of the other person in order for it to be most beneficial. You have to know what to say, when to say it and how to say it and also what not to say, etc., which is fairly specific with regards to each particular person. I think this intuition comes about from your own practice.

It is true that a person needs personal motivation but often times that motivation comes from how another person lives, acts, etc. My personal motivation comes from monks, teachers, etc. It's my personal motivation, but it comes from someone else. That's what I think.