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Sorry to bump this thread, but I just now saw this. There is an excellent book called The Erotic Mind by a psychologist named Jack Morin in which he discusses the psychological origins of what turns us on. The first part explores how connections between certain scenarios/objects/sensations can become eroticized and become part of our sexual identity. The second part deals with what Morin called "troubles turn-ons." I think this would be especially helpful for the OP.
Fetishes, as well as a host of other things that people may find erotic (among them, fantasies of rape, domination/subjugation, humiliation etc. <- all of which Mroin addresses), can really put a block between one and an experience of true unfettered love. In some cases, such people may be left wondering if they truly love a person or are simply drawn to them because they satisfy these turn-ons. On the other end of the spectrum, such people might become involved with someone, only to find they cannot feel sexually attracted to them because they have developed an extremely limited set of turn-ons. This can be extremely distressing.
This is a sensitive area and divulging one's turn-ons to one's partner and friends can sometimes not be the best route. Many aspects of our sexual identity develop as a result of distressing childhood and adolescent scenarios (sometimes even outright abuse) that the mind attempts to neutralize by eroticizing them. By eroticizing negative experiences, the individual is thus separated from the trauma by a protective coat of armor, so to speak. This isn't the case for all turn-ons (and Morin outlines other typical trajectories), but it is a very common one. If this is a case, it may be a more skillful choice not to divulge this information to friends. As with Buddhism, we need to come to the realization that we are not our past. And the necessary process of "letting go" of our past identity and past trauma may be stalled or stunted if other people around us are hung up on things we have told them in the past.
Morin's prescription for dealing with these "troublesome turn-ons" is one of exercising self-compassion and affirmation. This may sound at odds with Buddhism, but is not very different from the practice of metta towards oneself. It also entails coming to terms with the past as the past and the realization that indulging in these fantasies is the mind's way of attempting to reconcile past scenarios. In the present, on some level, these turn-ons may be a means of seeking comfort; they may signify a return to the familiar scenarios of childhood or adolescence. One must realize, though they are familiar and may feel "safe", they are not necessarily healthy and conducive to our growth and maturity. The concluding chapters focus on increasing genuine intimacy between partners.
It's an excellent book that I highly recommend. At the very least, the plethora of firsthand experiences that Morin collects in the book may help"normalize" your experience. You may find that, among all the things people associate sexual excitement with, your particular fetish is quite benign.
Glow's answer is the first one that really addresses the problems associated with bringing this fetish to the light of day. I thank you, Glow, for the book recommendation.
In the meantime, I have enjoyed success in controlling this fetish. It has been a few weeks since the last relapse. I am enjoying the freedom this success has given me. I spend a lot less time in front of the PC, and enjoy using that time in more productive ways.
I have decided to try it alone one more time, with a view toward ending an attachment. And as Brigid recommended, breaking it down into little parts, one step at a time. Should this not work, I will seek out someone who can help me with therapy.
It has been too long, and too hard for me to hide this problem.
It's now time for action. One step at a time. Thanks to all who offered ideas.
I would recommend seeking out a 3rd party - like someone else mentioned here. Go solo - discuss it with this professional and see what they think.
I'm a believer that sharing things like this with a partner, as well as having the ability to damage a relationship beyond repair - also has the capability of strengthening a relationship beyond your wildest dreams. Sharing the most intimate parts of oneself is truly an expression of love and trust in another person.
Telling this other person could also set you up for years of misery if this person ever decides to use it against you.
No matter what - before or if you divulge this - you're going to need to do some soul searching AND speak with someone that has a little more clarity than you do.
As a side note - I know you said you were going to try to kick it solo again - and that you've known about this for 40 years...
Ever hear what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and over - yet still expect a different result.
Whatever you do, I wish you luck and hope that your current partner is NOT my ex-wife cause she will rake you over the coals with your secret!
Is it the actual fetish that is causing you so much pain or is it the idea of keeping a secret from your loved ones?
~nomad
It is important to remember that fetishes (paraphilias) are usually an attempt to relieve or cope with some hidden, painful issue. It is ONE way to try to cope, but it is a less-than-ideal coping mechanism because it often causes problems elsewhere in our life, particularly in our relationships.
The practice of Buddhism can help one learn to open up to living fully, to gradually peeling back the layer than is covering up this pain. And once the pain is faced and defused, the fetish is no longer needed. Sounds easy. Hah. Remember that nothing worth doing is ever easy.
I was expecting this fetish to be something very disturbing, cross dressing is probably the most common fetish that exists.
I wouldn't tell your wife though. I don't see what benefit this could bring about by telling your wife, in a best case scenario it will only upset her.
I was expecting this fetish to be something very disturbing, cross dressing is probably the most common fetish that exists.
I wouldn't tell your wife though. I don't see what benefit this could bring about by telling your wife, in a best case scenario it will only upset her.
She might be into it, you never know. I would agree though, she doesn't need to know if you don't want her to know.
*'getting control of fetish' : I humbly think your answer lies in your question here. Getting control over a thing 'you' cannot control?Then waiting for something to happen...
asking another person,asking a teacher, a psychotherapist ? expecting something that has not happened over the years to happen by reading a book,talking out or simple sharing?
*I am not trying to discourage you but surely none can ever teach you to gain control,if thats the word you mean, over anything.As there is nothing here to control.
*Observe yourself ,be honest unto yourself .However amount of external help will not alleviate such a deep imprint.
*Good luck.Whatever you do,thinking it be good or bad , your kamma will follow you.
*I am not giving you an advice here,simply because I cannot.
*There is no control of self on anything .As Self itself is a condition that causes this assumed lack of control.
Hi,
I am new to posting here also,
wanted to add that in my experience, getting rid of the secrecy aspect is very helpful ... your post led me to think about an experience I had whilst in individual and group psychotherapy, many years ago now. In an individual therapy session I had divulged a secret I felt ashamed of and my feelings were hindering me from actually changing the situation.
In a group session, my therapist encouraged me, very skillfully, to share with the group - realised the world did not end ( lol ), others reacted in various different ways ( none as my case scenarios anticipated - not even close ) and saw clearly how much energy I had invested in keeping this secret ... it is a cliche which held some truth for me - we are only as sick as our secrets
The way I conquer any attachment is to quite simply ignore it. This may sound too simplistic, but it really works.
You really have to stop the desire/thought/feeling/impulse from gaining any foothold whatsoever, right at the very birth of its appearing. Anything like this arises in the mind, and it's with the mind I get most success.
Sorry to bump this yet again, but I am on a similar path. :
Hi MMINMU,
I just stumbled across your previous post regarding your desire to eradicate the fetish that has been troubling you. I am in almost the exact same boat. I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going. Any advice you could offer someone like me who is just starting on this path?
I was addicted to smoking - maybe not the same as your deal because yours is psychological/mental and smoking (initially) is a physical addiction, but it also becomes a psychological addiction ( I always smoke when I get in the car or I smoke when I get stressed, etc.).
I have been addicted to smoking 3 or 4 times.
I found that while it is never easy to "quit" - I never told myself I was quitting. I just "wasn't having a cigarette right now".
Maybe you shouldn't quit your addiction right now. Maybe it's too hard. Maybe you should just put it on the back burner and the next time you get the inclination, just tell your self that "maybe I'll do that tomorrow - right now, I'm gonna find something else to do."
Then when tomorrow comes, maybe you won't want to do it. Maybe you'll have to struggle a little bit. Maybe you'll cave and start all over again. Maybe you won't.
I think that by obsessing about this (and "obsessing" might be too strong of a word, so take it with a grain of salt...) you're giving it strength. Accept it for what it is - stop beating yourself up about it. Even if it's just YOU accepting it for what it is - you remove some of it's hold over you.
The more you think about it, the more you're going to think about it.
The Wed Teaching that I attend in NYC recently discussed sexual misconduct as presented in "The Jewel Ornament of Liberation" by Gamipopa.
The Nun giving the teaching stated that as per her discussions with her Lama, Norlha Rinpoche, of the KTC Monastery while the Buddha's teachings can not simply be ignored, they must also be viewed in context with the culture in that one lives.
In genral, one must ask if the specific act will be of harm to another person or lead to a situation where one might be taken further from the Dharma Path than toward it. I can't tell you what to do in your particular situation, but in and of itself, I dont think that your preference is , by itself, aganst any of the Teachings.
If you do feel that you or someone else could be harmed then perhaps some cousuling and Meditation in combonation would be the best idea.
I should add, for disclosure, that I am also a member of KTC.
I knew someone -- a woman, actually -- who had a fetish, and could tell anyone but her boyfriend. In a lot of ways her trip was different from yours. But she went to a hypnotherapist, which she said did her "a world of good."
I was shy about asking if she still had the fetish, so I don't know that part of it.
But I was curious about it, and later I ran into a hypnotist -- not the same one -- who told me that fetishes are much less common among women than men, for some reason. His description of how fetishes can work was really interesting.
There are different kinds of logic to them; the fetish is only the behavior. But, for example, he said one thing that happens is that the person has some kind of feelings of guilt, shame, or so on. And they might be about something important or something trivial.
In this type, the feeling builds up over time. And just like any feeling that builds up, it "wants" to be expressed. So the unconscious mind comes up with a strategy to safely allow its expression of that feeling. Being hung-up about the hang-up is part of that strategy. It powers the cycle.
There are other types, where the pay-off involves the unconscious mind understanding punishment as an expression of love, and so on.
He said that the goal in hypnotherapy is not to get rid of the fetish. It can happen, but it's never the goal. He said the ideal outcome was to safely integrate those things that are driving the fetish into the subject's normal life. That way, "the fetish" is happier, the person as a whole is happier, they can find ways to express and experience that energy in ways their partner can truly appreciate, and so on.
He said he never makes promises about a sexual behavior going away or not going away. He said, basically, "It's not my job to decide what's right for you, and I can't trust your conscious mind to tell me correctly what would make you truly happy. Sometimes people ask me to promise them I won't 'turn them gay.' I can't do that; all I can do is give you a choice."
In my experience, I've worked with hypnotists, and I recommend it. For me it wasn't for a fetish -- I like all my fetishes. Especially the one for pregnant lesbian nuns. But, yeah, hypnotherapy. You might look into it.
Shame and guilt. What would our society look like without those self-inflicted emotions? It keeps us from sharing important parts of our lives with the people we love, precisely because we're afraid of losing their respect.
There's been about as many theories about the whys and hows of what turns people on as there have been professors needing a paper published. All I'm sure of is, people are turned on by all sorts of things, and it's not a conscious decision under your control. Nobody wakes up one morning and decides, "I think from now on walking around in women's underwear is going to excite me."
Does it hurt others? Does it get in the way of a healthy relationship? Then maybe don't let guilt ruin your peace of mind.
Shame and guilt. What would our society look like without those self-inflicted emotions?
A great question, and one that was addressed by Mark Twain in a great little story, entitled
The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut
I was feeling blithe, almost jocund. I put a match to my cigar, and just then the morning's mail was handed in. The first superscription I glanced at was in a handwriting that sent a thrill of pleasure through and through me. It was Aunt Mary's; and she was the person I loved and honored most in all the world, outside of my own household. She had been my boyhood's idol; maturity, which is fatal to so many enchantments, had not been able to dislodge her from her pedestal; no, it had only justified her right to be there, and placed her dethronement permanently among the impossibilities. To show how strong her influence over me was, I will observe that long after everybody else's "do-stop-smoking" had ceased to affect me in the slightest degree, Aunt Mary could still stir my torpid conscience into faint signs of life when she touched upon the matter. But all things have their limit in this world. A happy day came at last, when even Aunt Mary's words could no longer move me. I was not merely glad to see that day arrive; I was more than glad--I was grateful; for when its sun had set, the one alloy that was able to mar my enjoyment of my aunt's society was gone. The remainder of her stay with us that winter was in every way a delight. Of course she pleaded with me just as earnestly as ever, after that blessed day, to quit my pernicious habit, but to no purpose whatever; the moment she opened the subject I at once became calmly, peacefully, contentedly indifferent--absolutely, adamantinely indifferent. Consequently the closing weeks of that memorable visit melted away as pleasantly as a dream, they were so freighted for me with tranquil satisfaction. I could not have enjoyed my pet vice more if my gentle tormentor had been a smoker herself, and an advocate of the practice. Well, the sight of her handwriting reminded me that I way getting very hungry to see her again. I easily guessed what I should find in her letter. I opened it. Good! just as I expected; she was coming! Coming this very day, too, and by the morning train; I might expect her any moment.
I said to myself, "I am thoroughly happy and content now. If my most pitiless enemy could appear before me at this moment, I would freely right any wrong I may have done him."
Straightway the door opened, and a shriveled, shabby dwarf entered. He was not more than two feet high. He seemed to be about forty years old. Every feature and every inch of him was a trifle out of shape; and so, while one could not put his finger upon any particular part and say, "This is a conspicuous deformity," the spectator perceived that this little person was a deformity as a whole--a vague, general, evenly blended, nicely adjusted deformity. There was a fox-like cunning in the face and the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice. And yet, this vile bit of human rubbish seemed to bear a sort of remote and ill-defined resemblance to me! It was dully perceptible in the mean form, the countenance, and even the clothes, gestures, manner, and attitudes of the creature. He was a farfetched, dim suggestion of a burlesque upon me, a caricature of me in little. One thing about him struck me forcibly and most unpleasantly: he was covered all over with a fuzzy, greenish mold, such as one sometimes sees upon mildewed bread. The sight of it was nauseating.
He stepped along with a chipper air, and flung himself into a doll's chair in a very free-and-easy way, without waiting to be asked. ...
Well, it has been a couple of weeks since I last posted.
Progress has been positive. But as one astute poster predicted, it has been two steps forward, one step back.
So, I have no grand advice for you, but I did want to drop you a note to thank you for being honest with us. Not only does it promote self healing, but it will doubtlessly help others realize that their 'weird, abnormal, disfunctional' "stuff" they are too embarrassed to be honest about really isn't all that weird or uncommon at all. Heck, the fact that you can find websites catering to what you are finding problematic is proof it's not really that unusual.
It takes a lot of bravery to risk ridicule at the hands of ignorant and insensitive people (who are only that way due to ignorance and their own pain) and I thank you for doing it.
I was confused, disappointed, ashamed, and wanted to change this aspect of my life.
What has happened over the past year?
If I told you I never pursued this aspect of my life I would be lying to you.
The amount of time I have spent on this fetish over the past year has been greatly reduced. I wanted to reduce the time I spent in this area, so I guess I met one goal.
I felt that I was cheating on someone important in my life. I do not know if that was really true, but that was the feeling I had.
Even though the time I spend on the fetish is smaller, I still feel guilty right after having done it, and almost always purge anything I downloaded related to the fetish .. almost immediately.
It is hard for me to put into words why I wanted this to change, but I will try nonetheless. I might ramble a little.
First of all, since this fetish has a very private, sexual aspect to it, it is not often openly discussed. Thanks to this forum, we have brought the topic forward, and it might help someone else who has had similar experiences.
If I think about the fetish before I sit down and start browsing, I can control it. I do not want to be spending time like this, and so, I don't.
If I don't think about, and the urge hits, I usually follow the urge. That does not mean I like it, but the hormones (if that is what guides such actions) simply take over.
I accept that this aspect of my life is a part of me, so I do not try too hard to fight it. I rather try to get it under control. There is a subtle difference between the two.
When I spend time in front of the computer like this .. I spend less time with my wife. I cannot justify this.
I am much more relaxed after a month without pursuing the fetish, since I have nothing to hide. I think this improves the overall condition of my life, and how I react with other people.
When I am not engaged with the fetish, I try to include the fetish (from a logical standpoint) in my practice. That seems to help. From this perspective, I realize that I have an attachment to this behavior.
Why should I change this behavior? The only answer I have is that if I consider all the health problems my wife had, then I should want to help improve her life quality in any way I can.
And even if she does not know about the fetish, the increased amount of time I am around her, is a positive improvement (I hope) to her life.
She loves me. I love her. And I want to do everything I can to make her life more pleasant.
That is why I am probably doing this.
I tried to put both our lives in perspective, and clearly found that this fetish is small when considering the whole, but can have a large impact on life.
So far I have managed to do this alone. I am happy that I am able to do this. If I were not able, I would seek out help, and I think others in this situation might need external help. If so, don't be afraid. Seek help.
So, just as I thought I might, I rambled.
Bottom line, I feel better when I am not trying to hide this, so I try to get around the fetish whenever possible.
I thank everyone who took the time to provide me with comments or help.
Looking at things from another angle almost always helps.
Comments
Fetishes, as well as a host of other things that people may find erotic (among them, fantasies of rape, domination/subjugation, humiliation etc. <- all of which Mroin addresses), can really put a block between one and an experience of true unfettered love. In some cases, such people may be left wondering if they truly love a person or are simply drawn to them because they satisfy these turn-ons. On the other end of the spectrum, such people might become involved with someone, only to find they cannot feel sexually attracted to them because they have developed an extremely limited set of turn-ons. This can be extremely distressing.
This is a sensitive area and divulging one's turn-ons to one's partner and friends can sometimes not be the best route. Many aspects of our sexual identity develop as a result of distressing childhood and adolescent scenarios (sometimes even outright abuse) that the mind attempts to neutralize by eroticizing them. By eroticizing negative experiences, the individual is thus separated from the trauma by a protective coat of armor, so to speak. This isn't the case for all turn-ons (and Morin outlines other typical trajectories), but it is a very common one. If this is a case, it may be a more skillful choice not to divulge this information to friends. As with Buddhism, we need to come to the realization that we are not our past. And the necessary process of "letting go" of our past identity and past trauma may be stalled or stunted if other people around us are hung up on things we have told them in the past.
Morin's prescription for dealing with these "troublesome turn-ons" is one of exercising self-compassion and affirmation. This may sound at odds with Buddhism, but is not very different from the practice of metta towards oneself. It also entails coming to terms with the past as the past and the realization that indulging in these fantasies is the mind's way of attempting to reconcile past scenarios. In the present, on some level, these turn-ons may be a means of seeking comfort; they may signify a return to the familiar scenarios of childhood or adolescence. One must realize, though they are familiar and may feel "safe", they are not necessarily healthy and conducive to our growth and maturity. The concluding chapters focus on increasing genuine intimacy between partners.
It's an excellent book that I highly recommend. At the very least, the plethora of firsthand experiences that Morin collects in the book may help"normalize" your experience. You may find that, among all the things people associate sexual excitement with, your particular fetish is quite benign.
In the meantime, I have enjoyed success in controlling this fetish. It has been a few weeks since the last relapse. I am enjoying the freedom this success has given me. I spend a lot less time in front of the PC, and enjoy using that time in more productive ways.
Thanks to all who have offered suggestions.
I would recommend seeking out a 3rd party - like someone else mentioned here. Go solo - discuss it with this professional and see what they think.
I'm a believer that sharing things like this with a partner, as well as having the ability to damage a relationship beyond repair - also has the capability of strengthening a relationship beyond your wildest dreams. Sharing the most intimate parts of oneself is truly an expression of love and trust in another person.
Telling this other person could also set you up for years of misery if this person ever decides to use it against you.
No matter what - before or if you divulge this - you're going to need to do some soul searching AND speak with someone that has a little more clarity than you do.
As a side note - I know you said you were going to try to kick it solo again - and that you've known about this for 40 years...
Ever hear what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and over - yet still expect a different result.
Whatever you do, I wish you luck and hope that your current partner is NOT my ex-wife cause she will rake you over the coals with your secret!
-bf
It is important to remember that fetishes (paraphilias) are usually an attempt to relieve or cope with some hidden, painful issue. It is ONE way to try to cope, but it is a less-than-ideal coping mechanism because it often causes problems elsewhere in our life, particularly in our relationships.
The practice of Buddhism can help one learn to open up to living fully, to gradually peeling back the layer than is covering up this pain. And once the pain is faced and defused, the fetish is no longer needed. Sounds easy. Hah. Remember that nothing worth doing is ever easy.
I wouldn't tell your wife though. I don't see what benefit this could bring about by telling your wife, in a best case scenario it will only upset her.
She might be into it, you never know. I would agree though, she doesn't need to know if you don't want her to know.
I have a similar problem. Please pm me if you would like to.
Zack
*'getting control of fetish' : I humbly think your answer lies in your question here. Getting control over a thing 'you' cannot control?Then waiting for something to happen...
asking another person,asking a teacher, a psychotherapist ? expecting something that has not happened over the years to happen by reading a book,talking out or simple sharing?
*I am not trying to discourage you but surely none can ever teach you to gain control,if thats the word you mean, over anything.As there is nothing here to control.
*Observe yourself ,be honest unto yourself .However amount of external help will not alleviate such a deep imprint.
*Good luck.Whatever you do,thinking it be good or bad , your kamma will follow you.
*I am not giving you an advice here,simply because I cannot.
*There is no control of self on anything .As Self itself is a condition that causes this assumed lack of control.
You really have to stop the desire/thought/feeling/impulse from gaining any foothold whatsoever, right at the very birth of its appearing. Anything like this arises in the mind, and it's with the mind I get most success.
Just don't entertain the thought at all.
Hi MMINMU,
I just stumbled across your previous post regarding your desire to eradicate the fetish that has been troubling you. I am in almost the exact same boat. I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going. Any advice you could offer someone like me who is just starting on this path?
Many thanks
MMINMU...
I was addicted to smoking - maybe not the same as your deal because yours is psychological/mental and smoking (initially) is a physical addiction, but it also becomes a psychological addiction ( I always smoke when I get in the car or I smoke when I get stressed, etc.).
I have been addicted to smoking 3 or 4 times.
I found that while it is never easy to "quit" - I never told myself I was quitting. I just "wasn't having a cigarette right now".
Maybe you shouldn't quit your addiction right now. Maybe it's too hard. Maybe you should just put it on the back burner and the next time you get the inclination, just tell your self that "maybe I'll do that tomorrow - right now, I'm gonna find something else to do."
Then when tomorrow comes, maybe you won't want to do it. Maybe you'll have to struggle a little bit. Maybe you'll cave and start all over again. Maybe you won't.
I think that by obsessing about this (and "obsessing" might be too strong of a word, so take it with a grain of salt...) you're giving it strength. Accept it for what it is - stop beating yourself up about it. Even if it's just YOU accepting it for what it is - you remove some of it's hold over you.
The more you think about it, the more you're going to think about it.
And, I could be full of shit as well.
-bf
The Nun giving the teaching stated that as per her discussions with her Lama, Norlha Rinpoche, of the KTC Monastery while the Buddha's teachings can not simply be ignored, they must also be viewed in context with the culture in that one lives.
In genral, one must ask if the specific act will be of harm to another person or lead to a situation where one might be taken further from the Dharma Path than toward it. I can't tell you what to do in your particular situation, but in and of itself, I dont think that your preference is , by itself, aganst any of the Teachings.
If you do feel that you or someone else could be harmed then perhaps some cousuling and Meditation in combonation would be the best idea.
I should add, for disclosure, that I am also a member of KTC.
All the Best
Dan
I knew someone -- a woman, actually -- who had a fetish, and could tell anyone but her boyfriend. In a lot of ways her trip was different from yours. But she went to a hypnotherapist, which she said did her "a world of good."
I was shy about asking if she still had the fetish, so I don't know that part of it.
But I was curious about it, and later I ran into a hypnotist -- not the same one -- who told me that fetishes are much less common among women than men, for some reason. His description of how fetishes can work was really interesting.
There are different kinds of logic to them; the fetish is only the behavior. But, for example, he said one thing that happens is that the person has some kind of feelings of guilt, shame, or so on. And they might be about something important or something trivial.
In this type, the feeling builds up over time. And just like any feeling that builds up, it "wants" to be expressed. So the unconscious mind comes up with a strategy to safely allow its expression of that feeling. Being hung-up about the hang-up is part of that strategy. It powers the cycle.
There are other types, where the pay-off involves the unconscious mind understanding punishment as an expression of love, and so on.
He said that the goal in hypnotherapy is not to get rid of the fetish. It can happen, but it's never the goal. He said the ideal outcome was to safely integrate those things that are driving the fetish into the subject's normal life. That way, "the fetish" is happier, the person as a whole is happier, they can find ways to express and experience that energy in ways their partner can truly appreciate, and so on.
He said he never makes promises about a sexual behavior going away or not going away. He said, basically, "It's not my job to decide what's right for you, and I can't trust your conscious mind to tell me correctly what would make you truly happy. Sometimes people ask me to promise them I won't 'turn them gay.' I can't do that; all I can do is give you a choice."
In my experience, I've worked with hypnotists, and I recommend it. For me it wasn't for a fetish -- I like all my fetishes. Especially the one for pregnant lesbian nuns. But, yeah, hypnotherapy. You might look into it.
Buddha bless,
Conrad.
There's been about as many theories about the whys and hows of what turns people on as there have been professors needing a paper published. All I'm sure of is, people are turned on by all sorts of things, and it's not a conscious decision under your control. Nobody wakes up one morning and decides, "I think from now on walking around in women's underwear is going to excite me."
Does it hurt others? Does it get in the way of a healthy relationship? Then maybe don't let guilt ruin your peace of mind.
Just my own thoughts.
A great question, and one that was addressed by Mark Twain in a great little story, entitled
http://www.mtwain.com/The_Facts_Concerning_The_Recent_Carnival_Of_Crime_In_Connecticut/0.html
Buddha bless,
Conrad.
So, I have no grand advice for you, but I did want to drop you a note to thank you for being honest with us. Not only does it promote self healing, but it will doubtlessly help others realize that their 'weird, abnormal, disfunctional' "stuff" they are too embarrassed to be honest about really isn't all that weird or uncommon at all. Heck, the fact that you can find websites catering to what you are finding problematic is proof it's not really that unusual.
It takes a lot of bravery to risk ridicule at the hands of ignorant and insensitive people (who are only that way due to ignorance and their own pain) and I thank you for doing it.
I wish you the best in life.
I was confused, disappointed, ashamed, and wanted to change this aspect of my life.
What has happened over the past year?
If I told you I never pursued this aspect of my life I would be lying to you.
The amount of time I have spent on this fetish over the past year has been greatly reduced. I wanted to reduce the time I spent in this area, so I guess I met one goal.
I felt that I was cheating on someone important in my life. I do not know if that was really true, but that was the feeling I had.
Even though the time I spend on the fetish is smaller, I still feel guilty right after having done it, and almost always purge anything I downloaded related to the fetish .. almost immediately.
It is hard for me to put into words why I wanted this to change, but I will try nonetheless. I might ramble a little.
First of all, since this fetish has a very private, sexual aspect to it, it is not often openly discussed. Thanks to this forum, we have brought the topic forward, and it might help someone else who has had similar experiences.
If I think about the fetish before I sit down and start browsing, I can control it. I do not want to be spending time like this, and so, I don't.
If I don't think about, and the urge hits, I usually follow the urge. That does not mean I like it, but the hormones (if that is what guides such actions) simply take over.
I accept that this aspect of my life is a part of me, so I do not try too hard to fight it. I rather try to get it under control. There is a subtle difference between the two.
When I spend time in front of the computer like this .. I spend less time with my wife. I cannot justify this.
I am much more relaxed after a month without pursuing the fetish, since I have nothing to hide. I think this improves the overall condition of my life, and how I react with other people.
When I am not engaged with the fetish, I try to include the fetish (from a logical standpoint) in my practice. That seems to help. From this perspective, I realize that I have an attachment to this behavior.
Why should I change this behavior? The only answer I have is that if I consider all the health problems my wife had, then I should want to help improve her life quality in any way I can.
And even if she does not know about the fetish, the increased amount of time I am around her, is a positive improvement (I hope) to her life.
She loves me. I love her. And I want to do everything I can to make her life more pleasant.
That is why I am probably doing this.
I tried to put both our lives in perspective, and clearly found that this fetish is small when considering the whole, but can have a large impact on life.
So far I have managed to do this alone. I am happy that I am able to do this. If I were not able, I would seek out help, and I think others in this situation might need external help. If so, don't be afraid. Seek help.
So, just as I thought I might, I rambled.
Bottom line, I feel better when I am not trying to hide this, so I try to get around the fetish whenever possible.
I thank everyone who took the time to provide me with comments or help.
Looking at things from another angle almost always helps.