When to drop attachments
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
In another thread @person said…
I think I've made the decision (at least for the time being) that trying to live in the world and externally letting go of my attachments leads to me living a miserable life. I'm without any interests and still unable to really achieve meaningful dissolution because I do take care of my responsibilities and that requires me to take on the energy of the world to an extent that removes the spiritual rewards of a tranquil emotional state.
This kind of set me to thinking. It is my experience also that actively trying to drop attachments just causes a feeling of lack and misery. In the end, dropping more and more attachments meant for me to arrive at a kind of inner emptiness. No motivation to do things, no hobbies, no passionate interests beyond a little internet surfing. Just a giant ball of spiritual interests. I think I took a wrong turn somewhere…
I’m beginning to realise that attachments drop automatically when they are no longer required, and that those you think you have dropped without fully resolving them hang around. To resolve them what you have to do is examine them, determine their effects and see if they are beneficial, good for you. Some I’ve been looking at for years, trying to determine what their effects really are. I have peace and tranquility most of the time, but some things sometimes remind me they are still unresolved.
Games and violence was one. Strategy and optimisation/ruthlessness was another. I still have a recurring dream of working with old colleagues in the games industry. Somewhere I feel something to do with love is still waiting for me.
Comments
For me, I think its kind of context dependent. Giving up an attachment can help you work through the addiction of it. And if you're in a retreat scenario there is merit in giving them all up to achieve deeper states of calm and insight. But also engaging with certain activities or people in a mindful way can teach us a lot about our psychology too.
I'm not sure I'm right about my position, certainly not for everyone, and I don't want to lead anyone down a wrong path. I'm kind of an empath and I soak up the energies of the world around me, so unless I'm able to isolate myself I'll work on letting go of the mental/emotional aspects of an attachment only to find myself wrapped up in the emotional energy of wherever I happen to be working that week. I'd work to cleanse and let go of that energy over the weekend and be in relatively decent place by the end of the weekend, but then have to go back out into it. It just got to be too frustrating.
So right now I do still do 20 minutes of meditation in the morning and evening, listen to a few hours of Dharma talks while working and try to live a balanced and wholesome life. I have a few more occasional connections with people around my hobbies and interests, which I do tend to get obsessed with, but I try to be mindful about it and know when to step away.
Personally, I find that an attachment is largely a shackle that limits my freedom & equanimity. It typically morphs in service to my ego into whatever form that I'm most susceptible to at any moment. No amount of gilding or intellectualizing about it, effectively minimizes its inertia, save the willingness to face it through the entire spectrum of my sense gates in the meditation of that moment.
When to drop attachments?
Whenever I'm ready to take another step along the path towards suffering's cessation or disturb the slumber of my identity comfort for a disquieting awakening towards spiritual adulthood.
Don't worry too much about trying to drop attachments.
Trying to let go is still a doing.
If you can't drop your attachment just yet, you will still have to as
you grow old and approach death. It will be done for you.
What is left will be your attachment to dreams, wishes, hopes, and fears.
Or if you have made preparations already they too will fall away and
what is left is peace and acceptance.
That's a given and therefore there is this contemplation...
Upajjhatthana Sutta: Subjects for Contemplation
I had something very similar when I was younger. When I was in my teens and twenties I was very open to the “feel” of the world, especially when surrounded by crowds. I would sometimes be outside and pick up an ‘unheimlich’ feeling and I’d lose all feelings of warmth and safety. I’d also have social anxiety for places like bars and pubs.
But ever since my thirties which I spent leading teams of programmers at work, I’ve felt a lot more solid, especially family parties which used to be ‘awkward’ for me have turned into a source of great pleasure. I did do some cognitive behavioural therapy against social anxiety which also helped a bit.
Maybe its all about getting older, I just recently turned 50.
That sounds like you do quite a lot with the dharma.
I think I'm talking about something a little different. I have some social anxiety, but I've worked on it and its at a tolerable level now. Many situations no longer trigger it and I can do most things even when feeling it.
I'm talking more about taking on the emotional states of those I'm around. For example, this winter I was working on a project an hour away from home and would spend a few nights a week at my sisters. While doing that anxiety became heightened, it manifested as worry that my computer was hacked or would be, I spent time upgrading my defenses. That's not all bad, but once that project was over the feelings subsided and I no longer feel that way. That happens all the time, I find myself engrossed in differing emotions and thought patterns depending on where I'm working. On the other hand I'm much more rational than emotional and because of my meditation practice can let thoughts and feelings come and go. So I don't always fit the average profile of an empath.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-empath-and-how-do-you-know-if-you-are-one-5119883
That is something different, yes. I was just ‘sensitive’ and good at picking up impressions, something I can still do when I open myself up to it.
It sounds like rationality might well be a defense against something like that. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were to abandon reason?
Not sure I'm getting your meaning. The first sentence sounds like you're arguing for rationality in this instance. The second sounds like your saying try not to use that defense.
In the past, before I understood the situation and before I became more intentionally rational, I found myself spun out in some far off and dangerous places. Some beliefs I held were really divorced from reality and more troubling I had a brief psychotic break where strange beliefs mixed with strong anxious emotions were able to run free.
After that is when I became more rational as a way to guard against loosing touch. I'm still very intuitive and open, but I now question what arises in my mind. Like my tag says, "don't believe everything you think"