How to overcome lust?
misecmisc1
I am a HinduIndia Veteran
Hi All,
How to overcome lust? i understand that it is biological to get attracted towards opposite sex - but still when i see a beautiful girl say in office or in a shared cab while coming or going to office or on road, my mind starts its lustful thoughts and i keep on trying to see her body till she remains in my field of vision - this thing goes on throughout the day and i cannot miss even a single sexy girl passing by me, without me checking her out by seeing.
So what to do to overcome lust? i know about ashubha meditation, but whenever a sexy girl comes before my eyes, the thoughts about ashubha meditation do not come to my mind at all and lust fully covers my mind.
So how do you overcome lust and how do the monks overcome lust? Any ideas, please. Thanks in advance.
Comments
My lama once said that he avoided lust by imagining what's underneath the skin. By imagining all the nasty bits underneath (contents of the bowels, naked muscle and fat, etc.) he said that helped him immensely.
Or imagine them on the toilet.
Buy you some dark sunglasses, then you can watch as much you want
@Namada, Are you my cousin? I heard it from one of my male cousin.
I dont try to overcome. I notice it...and wait for it to pass.
"Whoa...that guy makes my loin shake" " I feel tingly looking at him" " I see eye candy!" or " what he just said to me or how he said it, makes me melt"
Some days, it happens once a day...some 5 times a day...depends on where I'm at...hahahaha.
If it's not my hubby....
Acting on it is a horse of another color. It would be unskillful for me to act on it or say something to that person...so I dont. I sit in my feeling...quiet...like I said...until it passes.
Tel your wife.
Nothing will make it pass more quickly. Trust me on that one....
(And I'm only partly joking....)
If you do not look at your wife in the same wishful way - then you have the beginnings of a possible problem, my friend.
Disenchantment is a red flag.
Remember that aversion is just as much of a problem as attachment. Wanting to push things away rarely works. Observing, stepping back and paying attention to why you are looking so much and why you can't look away...that's more important. Understanding why you do something gets to the root of the problem and helps you come to answers more than just wishing something would go away. Wanting to find a way not to look doesn't solve the root problem of why you look so much to start.
it is normal to a degree to notice attractive people. It's just how we are. I'm not sure it's entirely normal to look at every person and not be able to look away until they disappear from view. Noticing and appreciating, normal for sure. I notice attractive people everywhere, men and women. But I notice and appreciate, and then I'm done because I know that no matter what physical looks they offer, they don't have what my husband does. I think @federica is right and that you need to look at why you feel so strongly the need to look and have so many lustful thoughts. If I remember right, you have posted about similar things a few times in the past, which means you still haven't gotten to the root of it.
Also, it's good to investigate where your culture comes into play as far as how men are taught to view women and why. We aren't objects to be desired, but many cultures make us out to be that way. It's not ok. So it is up to you to change your thinking if that is the case.
QFT.
I don't think it's so much overcoming lust as not being dominated by it.
Wouldn't work for me. My wife would probably be checking them out, too.
I never did overcome it. It seems to have wound down somewhat now. I don't have a partner and I don't want any casual sex, and at 60 the urges are quite weak. Weak enough that I have no interest in seeking a relationship in order to satisfy them. Sometimes I'm concerned that I should have some sort of drive, or that if I did meet someone, I would not be much use to them physically.
I suspect that it's a use it or lose it situation. Be careful what you wish for. You probably don't want your wife looking at other men because you are a dud in the bedroom, after suppressing your natural urges.
I suppose you can simply be mindful of the feelings as they come and go. Notice when they are weaker or stronger. Then one day watch them fade away.
Avert your eyes. It's rude to stare.
Er..yeah.... I can see how that WOULD be a problem.....
By developing the noble eightfold path of course.
You need to find out what the cause is.
Start trying to be mindful of what the triggers for these feelings of lust are? Are there certain times you can see a beautiful girl and lust doesn't arise? What were your feelings and thoughts at that time?
I have started to realise that my addictive behaviours (and what you are experiencing is one of these) come about when I am tired, bored, anxious or feel out of control. These are the times I need to be mindful and use some of the mindfulness tools I've developed recently. One of which is stopping, recognising and accepting the feelings and thoughts without judgment then staying with the breath until they've passed. And they will pass.
it's not easy but if (like me) your conviction to overcome this addiction outweighs the short term rush you get from it, you'll be willing to do the work.
Good luck!
I don't have much advice for overcoming lust. But, try closing your eyes and breathing. If you're at your home, try meditating and chanting. Get your mind focused on something else.
Discipline, sex change or go to gay bars to be hit on. I would suggest electrodes attached to the genitals but I feel pretty sure you would start asking where best to get a car battery ...
Perhaps have yourself registered with the police as a sex pest. Your wife might help.
However as you are such a literalist, I do have a solution but you are incapable of the discipline required. Sorry to disappoint.
For now I suggest a blog: 'Zen in the Art of Ogling'. Please let us know when it is up and remember to include some rugby players for the lustful Swiss.
Here to help.
"How to overcome lust?"
Perhaps this might be of help if one really wants to overcome it....
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/waylon-lewis/tortured-by-love-lust-or_b_576933.html
"One of the funny little things that's stuck with me is how to wake oneself from that exquisite pain that is lust or having a crush on someone. If you're in love or in lust or intimidated or entranced by a beautiful man or woman, you have only to remember that, just like everyone else, below that alluring exterior they're full or blood, spit, mucus, poo and pee, like everyone else.
You're actually supposed to visualize them going to the bathroom."
I always deal with it before of with quick fix, which unfortunately didn't work very well. Until I've learned in buddhism that I need to re-examine how I see lust. Is it nasty? draining? hateful? I started to study the origins of it (sensual attachment)
Accepting that it is happening at the present moment and be mindful that it is just passing by. Sometimes I say to myself -So this is you again (lust), well that is not ok - Now can I continue on with my day?
Everytime do this? It became less and less of a problem. Hope this helps.
@Bunks Same here. When I'm in a bad mood lust seems to be stronger!
@karasti From time to time I see great, inspiring replies in here. Yours was just one of the, beautiful answer. As we say here in Brazil, there is a thin line (which kinda means "it's difficult to tell the difference") between appreciating good looking people & being controled by lust.
All of my friends apparently are controled by lust and forced to believe it's right, cool and necessary. Such behavior easily leads to objectifying women and desrespecting their own sexual partners [wives, gfs, etc]. Recalls to what @federica said about valueing more your lust than the person who is always by your side giving you love and attention.
It's quite sad, but yet it happens all the time, 24/7. This is what they (my college friends) talk about 85% of the time. And they believe this is what it is and should never be changed or looked upon from different perspectives.
I, too, was in this cycle until I've almost lost my relationship with my girlfriend - reason which made me re-find and frequent this forum
- and I could never really tell this was such a bad problem until I mindfully looked back and saw how I always was unmindful, sad, anxious, had loads of negative thinking, took relationship and other valuable things for guaranteed, between many others.
I can say that lust is the sexual expression of how we are always "thirsty". It's never good enough, no matter how many good stuff we have in life, we always want more. Of course such state does not belong to our true nature.
Finally, as @how said in other post, there are both types of addiction: Accepted by society and denied by society. This one could fit the first category, I believe, which makes a better camouflage of the issue.
i'm making a LOLcats-style posterlet of the most amazingly beautiful naked woman i can find a picture of, superimposed with the Buddha's reaction when Magandiya offered him his daughter, "coveted by many kings":
What would I want with this foul thing, filled with urine and excrement?
I would not touch it even with my foot.
– Magandiya Sutta, SN 4.9
i know that for some people that would be but all the more exciting.
Ewww!
It is a hard job but someone has to do it. Thanks for not providing a link. [lobster weeps over the sacrifices some people make]
i read something once about some Chinese master calling women "skinbags full of blood." really sitting with that for a minute tends to shift my perspective a bit...
i think the real obstacle for me - and probably for everyone who struggles with this issue - is that i don't want to give up that desire, because it's so fiercely pleasurable to entertain.
doesn't prevent me striving...and some tools are especially helpful (for me), including really focusing on my practice, meditating and reading Dhamma and just getting into it, which results in my experiencing the pure peaceful joy the learned ones all tell us one can derive from treading this Path - feeling that makes other mental formations less enticing by comparison - and, as @robot said above, simply getting older brings its own tranquility with regard to such matters.
other things make it perhaps not so much more easy, like the several women - not only immensely attractive to me physically, but highly intelligent, insightful, and wise in the Dhamma - who attend my meditation center. but it's practice for me, and it's only with practice that perfect becomes attainable.
@misecmisc1
Lust is the fruition of identities habit of indulging in life's sensory info.
Freedom from lust is just anyone no longer enabling that habit.
Mindfulness & meditation can illuminate the endless choices that each nano moment
offers anyone to be a lust junkie or to start making your way clear of it.
Mostly it seems dependent on how much of a priority you are prepared to make of it.
i believe in addressing the problem by facing it. i've found that running away from things just makes them that much more determined to catch up to me.
It is the opposite approach that @misecmisc1 is trying to resolve. He is unable to face or address. Maybe the focus on breathing, practice and dharma studies would work for many but based on previous efforts I feel not for @misecmisc1. Personally I find not ogling women is a disciplined choice, which has a high failure rate amongst the red blooded.
Back to other possibilities ...
Would these be any good?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blinkers_(horse_tack)
Seems to me that if you are able to replace 'worldly happiness' with 'unworldly happiness', then the need for worldly happiness will diminish and eventually go away.
So instead of your wrist, maybe...
Just a thought.
It may be worth pointing out that the third precept calls for avoiding sexual misconduct, not naughty thoughts. As long as you don't act on it...
Tis true..."One person's poison is another person's meat " so to speak....Such is life... Different strokes for different folks
If none of the above helps, you might just need to get get a girlfriend or, if you are already committed, work on the intimacy in that relationship.
I also think that fixating on "overcoming" lust is one of the worst things one can do and isn't much better than following it- either way lust is the focus of your attention.
I also think that fixating on "overcoming" lust is one of the worst things one can do and isn't much better than following it- either way lust is the focus of your attention.
As preventive measure, so prescribed by Dr @lobster, I'll see if reducing my yoga sessions succeeds in curbing my libido within manageable bounds for all people concerned (especially dear husband, who is victim to the debris of collateral damage from the above-described situation).
I'll be keeping an eye on the thread for tips anxiously...
Shoulda been a gardener....
LOL
I am sure he encourages your yoga practice and enjoys the exercise. Any slacking tell him he may have to do yoga ...
Jokes apart, @misecmisc1, I don't think I'm the perfect Buddhist in the area of curbing our most human natural tendencies.
Middle Path is the ideal: if you find yourself either giving in ferociously to your sexual leanings or repressing them with equal ferocity, it's wrong.
And unskillful.
But then, we are human.
A roving eye has never hurt anyone, in my opinion... unless you find yourself excessively obssessing around the issue to the point that it controls you rather than you have it duly under control.
@DharmaDragon
A roving eye has never hurt anyone, in my opinion... unless you find yourself excessively obssessing around the issue to the point that it controls you rather than you have it duly under control.
Never anything us laiety wants to hear but...
You may want to screen that belief through one of the Buddha's most fundamental teachings...
DO?
Cold showers and thinking of England are the best way!
Yes, @how, I know.
But it is our cravings and attachments that define our human condition.
As we internalize the concepts of change, impermanence and non-self, we can upgrade to more proficiency in cessation of suffering.
It is a lifetime's work -or several lifetimes' work- and we can be more indulgent and less lenient with ourselves all along.
Or maybe it's just the hedonist in me speaking.
I said I was not the perfect Buddhist in that area, after all...
I have heard of a Zen teacher using the term skin bag for the human body. What is wrong with having a bit of lust anyway as laypersons?
Alan Watts often refers to the human body as such "You Are Just An Ego In A Bag Of Skin"
It's not wrong, Pege.
It's unskillful.
Of course, as layperson, I allow myself to indulge in lust.
But I am perfectly aware that the road to Nirvana is not paved with cravings and attachments...
I think thinking of them picking their nose is far more of a turn-off than thinking of them going to the bathroom....fwiw.
@DhammaDragon
I was originally really really not judging your behavior, just the statement made that a roving eye never hurt anyone.
Here I am hoping that you are a quicker learner than I was to realize that what I was actually justifying when my own eye was roving ( and I was a hedonist with a capital H) was.... the pleasure it provided me with was worth the sufferings that it caused....everyone.
Now there's a downer to actually contemplate.
Gad!..Sounds like I'm thumpin a bible.