balancing self improvement and self acceptance???

gracelee

Hi everyone
this is something that has been playing on my mind,
I am interested in developing myself as a person and improving aspects of my life, these are important areas such as becoming a moral , loving person, becoming healthier, fitter, greener,less wasteful, anxious and impatient etc.... these areas are never-ending. I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my current 'lack' in these areas... how do you strive to become a better person in order to help yourself and all beings without it becoming just another Want??

would really appreciate your comments on this matter
cheers
grace x

Talisman

this is a good "want"

the reason people suffer is because they "want" that which is transient, a cause of suffering, and not-self

"wanting" to improve ones actions, speech, and thoughts is part of the 4 right endeavors:

-prevent the arising of unarisen unwholesome mental states
-eliminate unwholesome mental states already arisen
-cultivate unarisen wholesome mental states
-increase wholesome mental states already arisen

taiyaki

just be mindful!

be more aware of the present moment.

do not construct a belief system or framework saying you have to do this because of such and such.

just "be" a good person. and from being you will automatically do good acts.

many people only do good acts because they are forced to. just be and good acts will flower.

goodluck!

compassionate_warrior

My first reaction to your OP, gracelee, was that you've really loaded yourself down with a lot of demands or expectations. Is this a type of judgmentalism, maybe? Do you tend to view yourself as inadequate in a lot of ways? Be kind to yourself, but have goals at the same time. Nobody's perfect. Compassion applies to self, as well as others. But compassion doesn't have to mean complacency. Nor does having goals have to mean judging oneself. There's always a Middle Way. A light touch can be a better motivator than a flogging.
Nice to see you back, by the way.

Sabre

You'll find the more you accept yourself, the more you'll develop and love others. You don't really need to balance the two because you can't have one without the other. It's like the same thing.

Self acceptance is really important.

With metta,
Sabre

DhammaDhatu

@ gracelee

the Buddha taught about two kinds of want, namely, ignorant want & wise want

wise want is the 2nd factor of the Noble Eightfold Path, often called right intention

to develop your right intention, you must use right effort & right mindfulness

each time you see your undesirable unbenefifical habit arising, you use mindfulness and say to yourself: "this quality I do not want to engage in; this quality does not lead to happiness"

before the Buddha was enlightened, he had similar issues as you. his experience can be read here: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.019.than.html

regards

One tries to abandon wrong intention & to enter into right intention : This is one's right effort. One is mindful to abandon wrong intention & to enter & remain in right intention: This is one's right mindfulness. Thus these three qualities — right view, right effort & right mindfulness — run & circle around right intention.

vinlyn

Self-improvement: Important when you can improve something. For example, I can be more outgoing.
Self-acceptance: Important when you cannot improve something. For example, I cannot improve the scar on my lip.

DhammaDhatu

@ gracelee

about balancing self improvement and self acceptance, we try to reduce our identification with these mental qualities we are seeking to discard or improve

for example, if the mind is hateful or judging rather than loving, we identify "the mind is hateful & judging" rather than "I am hateful & judging"

we note the mental quality rather than pass a harsh judgement upon ourself

regards

genkaku

Grace -- What makes things seem so overwhelming at the moment is that you have freighted yourself down with expectations. Expectation means that 'x' is right and 'y' is wrong. It translates the Eightfold Path (right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration) in terms that contrast right and wrong. But the word "right" is sometimes translated as simply "complete." To be thorough-going in each thought, word and deed is far more important than stacking up imagined virtues.

So, be thorough-going. Think things through as best you may and then act. Don't expect anything in return -- just act or think or speak. Pay attention. If you make a mistake, correct it as best you may ... again without expectation of some venerable gold star.

In this way, bit by bit, the wants -- including the want of improvement -- fade away. Grace is just Grace. Sometimes she gets things right. Sometimes she gets things wrong. Sometimes she needs to correct. Sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she falls prey to expectations. Sometimes she doesn't. Grace is just Grace, through and through, without any extra baggage.

buddhajunkie

Good points above.

My summary/answer:

-Make sure your intentions are wholesome when you are striving to do these good things.

-Don't identify with the doing or non-doing of these good things

-Have compassion for yourself for not fully doing or achieving these things

-Have understanding and compassion for those people who are not doing these things

-Beware of attachments to the doing of these things or the supposed results of doing these things.

-Use the doing of these things to cultivate generosity, and practice generosity in your interpersonal relationships

aMatt

how do you strive to become a better person in order to help yourself and all beings without it becoming just another Want??

gracelee,

Desire to be a good person is like a training wheel for the mind. As we hold onto that desire, we get our bearings and go through some personal revolution. Then, as we progress, we find we can settle even that desire (let go) and continue forward as a simple expression of goodness, without needing the desire to propel us.

We simply do the most compassionate action in the moment (or what appears to be)... there is no need for the desire.

This can be held as a loose understanding, to help us smile with the fear that acting for our good is somehow selfish. We pick ourselves up first, then help those around us. Picking ourselves up first is not selfish, its needed.

With warmth,

Matt

Being21

Accept and love yourself right now, but also accept the fact that you can always improve yourself, and to do such is great!

maarten

I think the idea of self-improvement is misleading, because the idea of self IS the problem. For example, if you feel resistance to helping some other person, it is because you perceive separation: 'me' and 'the other person'. When you make an effort to overcome this resistance to help, you are not really improving your self, but you are creating circumstances that help you to let go of self (by realizing that it feels good to help, and that there is no real need to maintain the concept of self that you are carrying around). When the sense of self gets less, there will also be less need for self-acceptance.

hermitwin

Accept yourself for what you are, with all
your strengths n weaknesses, warts n all.
Make peace with what you are right now.
Be a peaceful contented person 1st of all.
Be kind to everyone esp yourself.

Then, go and enrol in a course that you think
you like.

gracelee

sorry for the late reply, thank you all for your comments. they have been most helpful as always.

cheers