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Anybody have any good jokes?
I enjoy sharing jokes and hope that other members do too. What has made you laugh lately? Here's an old favorite of mine:
Ole's car was hit by a
truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's
lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say,
sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'
asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I
had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer
interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine’?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer
and I vas driving down DA road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's
answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas
saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA
trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck
right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas
trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't
vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her
groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway
Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he
took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.
Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still
smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you
feeling?'
'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?
Ole's car was hit by a
truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's
lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say,
sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'
asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I
had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer
interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say,
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine’?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer
and I vas driving down DA road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's
answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas
saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA
trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck
right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas
trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't
vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her
groans'. 'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway
Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he
took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.
Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still
smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you
feeling?'
'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?
0
Comments
When someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man who kept falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.
Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.
After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."
The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"
They have no soul.
How many Madhayamka scholars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four:
One to scew it in.
One to not screw it in.
One to both screw it in and not screw it in.
One too neither screw it in nor not screw it in.
How many Gelugpas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three:
2 to have a debate about the nature of light and 1 to twist the bulb
How many Sakyapas?
Two:
1 to write the instructions and the auto-commentary, 1 to twist the bulb
How many Kagyupas?
One:
But he has to spend years and years sealed in a cave first.
How many Nyingmapas?
One:
But he has to dig up the instructions to find out the bulb is already in.
How many Bonpos?
One:
But their bulbs screw in the other direction
no attachments
No need. Just note: ‘darkness, darkness, darkness’.
———-
How many Buddhist scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
An internationally respected committee of academics, after deliberating all night, conclusively failed to agree on the meaning of the word ‘light bulb’. Meanwhile, the sun came up.
———-
How many Abhidhamma scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
There are 20W light bulbs, 40W light bulbs, 80W light bulbs, 100W… 200W…
There are 6V light bulbs, 12V light bulbs, 120V light bulbs, 240V light bulbs…
There are incandescent bulbs, fluorescent bulbs…
There are clear light bulbs, pearled light bulbs, colored light bulbs…
There are screw-in light bulbs, bayonet light bulbs…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V, there are 20W light bulbs that are 12V… 120V… 240V…
There are 40W light bulbs that are 6V… 240V…
80W… 100W… 200W…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V incandescent…
There are 200W light bulbs that are 240V, florescent, coloured, and bayonet …
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
These are about as humorous as they get by someone who has a way with
words.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, right?
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n... A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
Hope you had a good chuckle!!
Clearly he taught Rebirch: After you die you come back to life as a tree.
Once upon a time, there was a little bird who refused to fly south for the winter. His friends begged and pleaded, but the little bird was adamant -- he wasn't going! So the other birds flew off.
Pretty soon the temperature dropped, the wind picked up and the snow flew. The little bird sat on his branch getting colder and colder. Eventually he decided he had made a big mistake and took off after his friends.
Alas, he was too late. The temperature kept dropping and bit by bit ice formed on his wings. The ice weighed him down. He grew more and more tired. Finally, he relinquished all hope and fell to the earth, sure that he was doomed to die.
As it happened, the little bird fell to earth in a cow pasture. As he lay there, awaiting the inevitable, a cow passed by and crapped all over him. The manure thawed the little bird's wings. He was so relieved that he began to sing. A passing cat heard the singing, dug through the manure, found the little bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is necessarily your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is necessarily your friend.
and
3. If you're happy in your own pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
_________________
Good one. Keep 'em coming... I have a lousy memory for jokes and the ones I do remember tend to be raunchy.
The vet hands the farmer two big red pills and one big blue one. "Here," he said, "when the horse lays down you just take one of these red pills and shove it up his rear end. That horse will take off running like there's no tomorrow, no matter what he's hitched to. Then when you want it to stop, shove the blue one up its rear end."
"Sounds good," the farmer replied, "but why did you give me two red pills?"
"Well, you've got to keep up with the horse and plow, don't you?"
I'm glad that you're enjoying the thread - I've got plenty more and I try to keep them as clean as possible.
1.*cheese*Maria likes me,but cheese fat.
2*mushroom*Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom
3*shoulder*My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder
4*texas*My friend always texas me fwds
5*herpes*Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes
6*july*Ju told me ju were goin to the store,and july to me!!julyer!!
7*rectum*I had two cars but my wife rectum
8*chicken*I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself
9*wheelchair*We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair
10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing
11*liver*A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone
12*body wash*I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids
13*budweiser* That woman over there has a nice body, budwieser her face so ugly?
Bucharest Hotel Lobby - "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable."
Leipzig elevator - "Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up"
Belgrade elevator - "To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
Paris elevator - "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Athenian hotel - "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of ..."
Moscow Hotel - "You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday."
Austrian ski hotel - "Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
Swiss menu - "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
Polish menu - "Salad of firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Hong Kong dress shop - "Ladies have fits upstairs."
Rhodes tailor shop - "Order your summer suit! Because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Germany's Black Forest - "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason."
Swedish furrier - "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
Japanese detour sign - "Stop: Drive sideways."
Swiss mountain inn - "Special today - no ice cream."
Copenhagen airline office - "We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Budapest zoo - "Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Acapulco hotel - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
Japanese air conditioner - "Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
Tokyo car rental firm - "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour."
Norwegian cocktail bar - "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
I wish I could remember the rest of it
The teacher was giving a vocabulary lesson and described the word "frugal" as meaning to save. She then asked little Johnny to get up and give an example. Little Johnny stood up dutifully by his desk:
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. Her father was a wicked king. The wicked king locked the beautiful princess in a high tower. One day, the princess looked out her window and saw a handsome prince riding by. With all her might, the beautiful princess called out to the prince,
"Frugal me! Frugal me!"
So the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after."
His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ----------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------------ Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------Man Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .
there ya Gogh!
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?" the teacher said, getting to her most troublesome student.
"Yes ma'am," he said.
"My daddy told a story about my Aunt Jane. She's a pilot in the Iraq war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Jane when she's drinking!"
The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day.
The Chairman takes him on a tour of the facilities, and the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business.
The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $500 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $500 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now get out and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
Finally one of the workers raises his hand.
"Yeah?" the CEO demands.
"Pizza delivery man, sir."
His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: "I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash. We have to bail out now.
Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.
Bill Gates said: "Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself." And with that, he leapt out of the plane.
The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute." "Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama's back. "The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack."
It was a beautiful day along the coast, quiet, sunny and warm. The Pope, Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama had decided to take a day off from their various opinions and duties, rented a boat, and went fishing.
A couple hours pass, at the expense of several ocean-creatures. Then Sai Baba spots a McDonalds at the beach. "Hey, I'm dead hungry. I'm off for a Big Mac". He jumps from the boat and quickly steps across the water. The Dalai Lama goes: "Great, I'm in." Jumps from the boat, runs across the water to land, where Sai Baba is already ordering.
The Pope stands a little behind, having never walked on water. But if those two non-Christians can do that, it should be no problem for him. He jumps the boat, goes "plop", and disappears.
Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama, enjoying their freshly materialized burgers, watch the scene.
Dalai Lama: "That didn't look good."
Sai Baba: "No, we really should have told him about those underwater stepping stones."
Dalai Lama: "Stepping stones??"
Because he’d always record the cause of death as 'birth'.
The Catholic: "I will spend eternity in heaven worshipping the Lord."
The Muslim: "I will spend eternity in Paradise with 10,000 virgins."
The Buddhist (after meditating on the question):
"I will be reborn as a Muslim."
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to tachieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across thecontinuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free of cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbooks. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instictive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....
First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
The second monk slaps him across the face.
First monk: "Why did you do that?"
"I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird stuff like that."
"When you speak about Reality," said the Master, "you are attempting to put the Inexpressible into words, so your words are certain to be misunderstood. Thus people who read that expression of Reality called the Scriptures become stupid and cruel for they follow, not their common sense, but what they think their Scriptures say."
He had the perfect parable to show this: A village blacksmith found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay. The smith immediately began his instructions to the lad: "When I take the metal out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head you hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did precisely what he thought he was told. Next day he was the village blacksmith.
Johnny goes to modeling class in his school for special children and he gets his piece of putty and he's modeling it. He takes a little lump of putty and goes to a corner of the room and he's playing with it. The teacher comes up to him and says, "Hi, Johnny." And Johnny says, "Hi." And the teacher says, "What's that you've got in your hand?" And Johnny says, "This is a lump of cow dung." The teacher asks, "What are you making out of it?" He says, "I'm making a teacher."
The teacher thought, "Little Johnny has regressed." So she calls out to the principal, who was passing by the door at that moment, and says, "Johnny has regressed."
So the principal goes up to Johnny and says, "Hi, son." And Johnny says, "Hi." And the principal says, "What do you have in your hand?" And he says, "A lump of cow dung." "What are you making out of it?" And he says, "A principal."
The principal thinks that this is a case for the school psychologist. "Send for the psychologist!"
The psychologist is a clever guy. He goes up and says, "Hi." And Johnny says, "Hi." And the psychologist says, "I know what you've got in your hand." "What?" "A lump cow dung." Johnny says, "Right." "And I know what you're making out of it." "What?" "You're making a psychologist." "Wrong. Not enough cow dung!"
A visitor to an insane asylum found one of the inmates rocking back and forth in a chair cooing repeatedly in a soft, contented manner, "Lulu, Lulu..."
"What's this man's problem?" he asked the doctor.
"Lulu. She was a woman who jilted him," was the doctor's reply.
As they proceeded on the tour, they came to a padded cell whose occupant was banging his head repeatedly against the wall and moaning, "Lulu... LULU....."
"Is Lulu this man's problem too?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," said the doctor. "He's the one Lulu finally married."
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sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third
sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
St. Paul profers some vinegar to ease his pain.
Jesus says, "Paul! Paul! I can see your house from here!"
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2011 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2011 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Inside the closet,the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that $#!+ in here."