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Anger (& Conflict) Part 2a
Hi everybody. :buck: Here's some more of the chapter, "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict," I condensed and adapted from Tjosvold & Johnson's book Productive Conflict Management.
I'll Part 2b, we'll turn to the issues of how to control emotional reactions to events that could potentially cause anger, depression, guilt, or sadness, and to managing stress through support systems.
In addition to the seven rules of part 1 (http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_13) a set of specific skills are needed to express your anger to another.
EXPRESSING ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY:
Describe their behavior, describe your feelings, and make your nonverbal messages congruent with your words. The purpose of expressing your anger is to create a shared understanding of the relationship so it may be improved or so you may be more effective in achieving your goals. You want the other person to know how you perceive an feel about his or her actions and you wish to end up knowing how the other person perceives and feels about your actions. Discuss the situation until you and the other person have a common perspective.
Behavior descriptions:
In describing provocative actions be skillful in observing what actually occurred and in letting others know what behavior you're responding to by describing it clearly and specifically. Describe visible evidence, behavior open to anyone's observation. Restrict yourself to talking about the actions of the other person. Use personal statements so that it is clear that you're taking ownership for your observations, but be factual, not insulting. Example: "Jim, by my count you've just interrupted me for the third time." NOT, "Jim, you are really being rude," which is negative labeling; or, "Jim, you always want to be the center of attention," which imputes an unworthy motive.
Descriptions of own feelings:
Describe your feelings by using personal statements referring to "I," "me," or "my," and specifying the feelings by name or by a figure of speech. Your descriptions will be more helpful and effective if it is specific rather than general; "You bumped my arm," rather than, "You never watch where you're going;" tentative rather than absolute: "You seem unconcerned about completing our project," rather than, "You don't care;" informing rather than demanding: "I haven't finished yet," rather than, "Stop interrupting me." The description of your anger should be noncoercive and should not be a demand that the other person change. Avoid judgments of the others like, "You're phony;" accusations and imputing undesirable motives to others like, "You always have to tear others down;" commands, demands and orders like, "Stop talking and listen!"; and sarcasm like, "You're a big help, aren't you" when the opposite's meant. When you describe your feelings about another's actions, your feelings are seen as temporary and capable of change rather than permanent. It is better to say, "At this point, I'm very annoyed with you," than, "I dislike you and always will."
Making nonverbal messages congruent:
In describing feelings, make nonverbal messages similar to verbal ones. When you express anger verbally your facial expression should be serious, tone of voice cold, eye contact direct and posture stiff. Contradictory verbal and nonverbal messages will only indicate to the other person you're untrustworthy and will make them anxious.
Use active listening skills:
Use perception-checks to make sure you're not making false assumptions about other's feelings and intentions, "My impression is that you're not interested in trying to understand my ideas. Am I wrong?" When negotiating the meaning of another's actions and clarifying both your feelings and the feelings of the other person, use paraphrasing to make sure you accurately understand the other person and that the other person feels understood and listened to.
To express anger constructively, first describe the provocative behavior and your anger verbally while making nonverbal messages congruent with your words. Then be ready to negotiate on the meaning of the other's actions and decide if your anger is an appropriate feeling to have.
In expressing anger you attitude should not be, "Who's right and who's wrong?" but rather, "What can each of us learn from this discussion that will make our relationship more productive and satisfying? As a result each of you will act with fuller awareness of the effect of your actions on the other person's intentions, though you may choose not to act differently in the future. Any future behavior change needs to be self-chosen rather than compelled by a desire to please or a need to submit to the other person.
Finally, make sure the timing of the expression of your anger is appropriate. Generally, express your anger when there is time enough to discuss the situation and the provocation. The closer in time your reaction is expressed to the provocation, the more constructive the discussion will be.
ASSERTIVENESS & AGGRESSIVENESS:
All people have a perfect right to express their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and preferences, and to expect that other people will treat them with respect and dignity. In interpersonal situations involving stress and anger, you may behave assertively, non assertively, or aggressively. Aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing your feelings through insults, sarcasm, labels, put-downs, and hostile statements and actions. When you behave nonassertively, you say nothing in response to provocation, keeping your feelings to yourself, hiding feelings from others, and perhaps even hiding them from yourself. Nonassertive behavior is often dishonest and involves letting other people violate your personal right to be treated with respect and dignity. Aggressive behavior involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a way that violates other's rights to be treated with respect and dignity.
Assertive behavior involves directly describing your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and preferences to another person in an honest and appropriate way that respects both yourself and the other person. It enables you to act in your own best interests, to stand up for yourself without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others. Assertive behavior is direct, honest, self-enhancing self-expression that is not hurtful to others and is appropriate for the receiver and the situation. In general, it's a good idea to raise your restraint and inhibitions against aggressive and nonassertive behavior, and to lower any inhibitions against aggressive and nonassertive behavior, and to lower any inhibitions, restraints, or anxieties you have about being assertive.
Because we're human, we're constantly under stress, some of which is pleasant and desirable and some of which is unpleasant and undesirable. We react to both types of stress in a stereotyped, physiological reaction that provides energy and motivation for action. The primary source of both good and bad stress is other people, and interpersonal stress usually involves anger. Anger both causes and accompanies distress and is usually a righteous but defensive reaction to frustration and aggression. If one understands the major functions of anger and the rules and skills for its constructive management and expression, the constructive aspects of anger can be promoted while the destructive aspects can be quelled. :buck:
I'll Part 2b, we'll turn to the issues of how to control emotional reactions to events that could potentially cause anger, depression, guilt, or sadness, and to managing stress through support systems.
In addition to the seven rules of part 1 (http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_13) a set of specific skills are needed to express your anger to another.
EXPRESSING ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY:
Describe their behavior, describe your feelings, and make your nonverbal messages congruent with your words. The purpose of expressing your anger is to create a shared understanding of the relationship so it may be improved or so you may be more effective in achieving your goals. You want the other person to know how you perceive an feel about his or her actions and you wish to end up knowing how the other person perceives and feels about your actions. Discuss the situation until you and the other person have a common perspective.
Behavior descriptions:
In describing provocative actions be skillful in observing what actually occurred and in letting others know what behavior you're responding to by describing it clearly and specifically. Describe visible evidence, behavior open to anyone's observation. Restrict yourself to talking about the actions of the other person. Use personal statements so that it is clear that you're taking ownership for your observations, but be factual, not insulting. Example: "Jim, by my count you've just interrupted me for the third time." NOT, "Jim, you are really being rude," which is negative labeling; or, "Jim, you always want to be the center of attention," which imputes an unworthy motive.
Descriptions of own feelings:
Describe your feelings by using personal statements referring to "I," "me," or "my," and specifying the feelings by name or by a figure of speech. Your descriptions will be more helpful and effective if it is specific rather than general; "You bumped my arm," rather than, "You never watch where you're going;" tentative rather than absolute: "You seem unconcerned about completing our project," rather than, "You don't care;" informing rather than demanding: "I haven't finished yet," rather than, "Stop interrupting me." The description of your anger should be noncoercive and should not be a demand that the other person change. Avoid judgments of the others like, "You're phony;" accusations and imputing undesirable motives to others like, "You always have to tear others down;" commands, demands and orders like, "Stop talking and listen!"; and sarcasm like, "You're a big help, aren't you" when the opposite's meant. When you describe your feelings about another's actions, your feelings are seen as temporary and capable of change rather than permanent. It is better to say, "At this point, I'm very annoyed with you," than, "I dislike you and always will."
Making nonverbal messages congruent:
In describing feelings, make nonverbal messages similar to verbal ones. When you express anger verbally your facial expression should be serious, tone of voice cold, eye contact direct and posture stiff. Contradictory verbal and nonverbal messages will only indicate to the other person you're untrustworthy and will make them anxious.
Use active listening skills:
Use perception-checks to make sure you're not making false assumptions about other's feelings and intentions, "My impression is that you're not interested in trying to understand my ideas. Am I wrong?" When negotiating the meaning of another's actions and clarifying both your feelings and the feelings of the other person, use paraphrasing to make sure you accurately understand the other person and that the other person feels understood and listened to.
To express anger constructively, first describe the provocative behavior and your anger verbally while making nonverbal messages congruent with your words. Then be ready to negotiate on the meaning of the other's actions and decide if your anger is an appropriate feeling to have.
In expressing anger you attitude should not be, "Who's right and who's wrong?" but rather, "What can each of us learn from this discussion that will make our relationship more productive and satisfying? As a result each of you will act with fuller awareness of the effect of your actions on the other person's intentions, though you may choose not to act differently in the future. Any future behavior change needs to be self-chosen rather than compelled by a desire to please or a need to submit to the other person.
Finally, make sure the timing of the expression of your anger is appropriate. Generally, express your anger when there is time enough to discuss the situation and the provocation. The closer in time your reaction is expressed to the provocation, the more constructive the discussion will be.
ASSERTIVENESS & AGGRESSIVENESS:
All people have a perfect right to express their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and preferences, and to expect that other people will treat them with respect and dignity. In interpersonal situations involving stress and anger, you may behave assertively, non assertively, or aggressively. Aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing your feelings through insults, sarcasm, labels, put-downs, and hostile statements and actions. When you behave nonassertively, you say nothing in response to provocation, keeping your feelings to yourself, hiding feelings from others, and perhaps even hiding them from yourself. Nonassertive behavior is often dishonest and involves letting other people violate your personal right to be treated with respect and dignity. Aggressive behavior involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions in a way that violates other's rights to be treated with respect and dignity.
Assertive behavior involves directly describing your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and preferences to another person in an honest and appropriate way that respects both yourself and the other person. It enables you to act in your own best interests, to stand up for yourself without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others. Assertive behavior is direct, honest, self-enhancing self-expression that is not hurtful to others and is appropriate for the receiver and the situation. In general, it's a good idea to raise your restraint and inhibitions against aggressive and nonassertive behavior, and to lower any inhibitions against aggressive and nonassertive behavior, and to lower any inhibitions, restraints, or anxieties you have about being assertive.
Because we're human, we're constantly under stress, some of which is pleasant and desirable and some of which is unpleasant and undesirable. We react to both types of stress in a stereotyped, physiological reaction that provides energy and motivation for action. The primary source of both good and bad stress is other people, and interpersonal stress usually involves anger. Anger both causes and accompanies distress and is usually a righteous but defensive reaction to frustration and aggression. If one understands the major functions of anger and the rules and skills for its constructive management and expression, the constructive aspects of anger can be promoted while the destructive aspects can be quelled. :buck:
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Comments
(1) It was published in 1983, so it's now public domain. (2) Dealing skillfully with anger is very important for Buddhists. Is there something else bothering you about this? :buck:
You're intrinsically altering the work of an author who is morally right in claiming the work as his own. If you change, modify or adapt it in any way, even with reference, you're still guilty of using the work in a way possibly not intended by the author....
You're also limiting the reference to the writing, to the first post only, so it's even less pertinent to the forum.
You're not discussing the literary work. You're discussing the subject matter.
I'm going to move this to General Banter, because I'm struggling to see what other forum I can put it into. I'm happy to consider another forum if you feel there is pertinence.
Contact either me or Lincoln for further input/feedback....
EDIT:
Have also moved "Anger" 'Part one'.....
Thanks.
I'm very true the original text. It's just for brevity. If the public domain statutes for intellectual property rights still make you nervous, I could scan and post my hard copy or photocopy and mail you my photocopy. I could also contact the authors, assuming they're still living. I'm sure they'd give me permission. Here's my photocopy info. Chapter 8: Managing Stress And Anger: Productive Conflict Management: Perspectives For Organizations. Copyright 1983 Reprinted with Permission of Irvington Publishers, Inc. 183 to 215 Via Copyright Clearance Center. Finally, it's "anger management 101." Nothing too controversial. :buck: