Are relationships worth it?

Fenix

I bumped into this girl the other day and we talked a bit, and I think i would have a chance with her. Shes really pretty.

She not a buddhist or anything.

is it worth it?

EDIT: I know her from before, when I liked her, but I dont think she liked me then too much

StaticToybox

The question is, do you think it's worth it?

Now for my 4.5 cents (adjusted for inflation): Her being Buddhist or not doesn't really matter, I think, so long as she's accepting of you being a Buddhist. And I wouldn't worry too much about "relationship" just yet. First thing first - ask her out on a date some time. Dinner, movie, monster truck rally, whatever. If that goes well then ask her out on another date. Don't get too far ahead of yourself, just take things as they go along.

Fenix

The question is, do you think it's worth it?

Don't get too far ahead of yourself, just take things as they go along.

I was thinking already about how our divorce was going to work out

Talisman

whoa lol

Relationships are totally worth it, for me at least. That a question you need to ask of yourself, though. Like that quote from that movie The Girl Next Door, "Is the juice worth the squeeze?"

Fenix

"It is a clear gain to sacrifice pleasure in order to avoid pain."
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Brian

Sure. Why not?

Mountains

Nobody can answer this question for another person.

StaticToybox

The question is, do you think it's worth it?

Don't get too far ahead of yourself, just take things as they go along.

I was thinking already about how our divorce was going to work out

She gets the house and the kids, half the household savings, and 65% of your monthly income, you get the truck and the dog. All other possessions to be decided in a rochambeau contest.

zidangus

Do what you feel is right for you.

Fenix

@zidangus

I have bad judgement

Mountains

How can you rely on someone else's judgement as to whether or not you should get involved in an intimate relationship? It makes no sense. No other person on earth knows you like you do. We all have bad judgement. Making mistakes is how we learn. We make mistakes, we learn, and next time our judgement is better.

Trust yourself.

Gui

a favorite quote by character Alvy Singer,played by Woody Allen, in Anne Hall.

this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs.

Fenix

ok, when would it not be a good idea to get into a relationship with someone, from a buddhist point of view?

tmottes

@Fenix If you are a monk, they don't let you be a buddhist, they are abusive with you, etc.

May I suggest that you consider that what you gain from a long term relationship is far greater than what you get from short term relationships. Kierkegaard is a great author for understanding this. He basically lays out what makes immediate pleasure so great, then contrasts that with long term gain, and then with the ultimate goal (for him it was a leap of faith to christianity, but it can really be interpreted as any spiritual goal). Relationships can be very difficult at times, but there is a reason people stick through it all

aura

Because no human being lives in a vacuum...
but lives in relationship with every other being on the face of the earth,
the question becomes not so much one of "having a relationship"
but of what would constitute a "right relationship"
with any given individual.

If you feel that you may have bad judgment regarding relationship,
simply think about what sort of relationship you honestly intend to both give and receive in life, and seek relationship among those with similar intentions.

All young women are pretty.
Over time their intentions become engraved on them.
With some, those intentions give them a lasting gentle beauty as they age.
With others, those intentions give them a lasting harshness that all the makeup in the world won't ever hide.

It can be honestly very difficult for a young man to see,
when all young women are pretty and all bits of them just beautiful.
A useful practice is to go through magazine pictures of pretty women and cover their faces with your hand, leaving visible only their eyes, and staring into their eyes... ONLY their eyes....
evaluate what you see.
It is a useful practice that helps improve one's judgment when dealing with women.

caz

Remember death and impermenance.

tmottes

@aura I would add that right means more than having things in common, liking each other's company, or the physical attraction. These things are factors, but not THE factor. The right person will challenge us, the right person and will grow with us, spiritually, mentally, physically (old, haha), etc. You will challenge your right person, you will grow with that person. We get bits and pieces of these from all those we dated before, and it helps us to understand who the right person is in the end.

I am not saying there is only one person for you; the adjective right is subject to space and time.

Mountains

ok, when would it not be a good idea to get into a relationship with someone, from a buddhist point of view?

There's really no such thing as a "Buddhist point of view" on something like this. Buddhism doesn't prescribe things like when or with whom you should get into a relationship. If you understand that suffering comes from attachment to things, people, ideas, etc, that's about all you need.

Trust yourself. And trust that you're *going* to make mistakes.

aMatt

There's really no such thing as a "Buddhist point of view" on something like this. Buddhism doesn't prescribe things like when or with whom you should get into a relationship.

I disagree with this. Buddhism teaches qualities of a successful union. If you share similar intent, similar view and enjoy each other, there is fertile ground for a lasting relationship. When you say "not or a buddhist or anything" it might mean you have incompatible goals. Are you both intending the same responses (ie compassion, loving-kindness)? Are you both seeing the same basic thing as you observe the world (impermanence, dissatisfaction, emptiness)?

Being pretty is nice, but for an inimate connection to be nourishing and healthy, it is better to look beyond the eyelashes into the eyes, so to speak.

Mountains

I don't think there's a Buddhist point of view on whether or not to get into a relationship. The OP has said he thinks he has bad judgement, and seems to me to be looking for someone to tell him what to do in this case. I don't think that has anything to do with Buddhism per se.

AMH

hmm, well getting into my last relationship I said it would not be worth it if the person was not someone I cared about enough that they could break my heart, even just a little. Not sure everyone thinks that way but it works for me. (currently we are not together but talking). He is not a Buddhist but very respectful as i am of his religious beliefs. I think at first he was concerned that I would talk him out of heaven because I don't believe, but I have never questioned his belief so he trusts that now. What we do have in common is being good people, striving to do the right thing and caring deeply for our families (okay he is good and an awesome kisser and I see nothing wrong with that either).

I HAVE found that the emotional maturity that spiritual practice develops to be good for relationships overall. Not all smooth sailing but better. And I used to think that somehow the spiritual work was getting out of relationships, I now think there is so much work IN relationships of all types and that is important. Of course my paid work is very much relationship building and I get challenged a lot.

aura

I would add that right means more than having things in common, liking each other's company, or the physical attraction. These things are factors, but not THE factor.

"Right relationship" is a Buddhist concept that is about creating healthy and balanced functional relationship between people and has nothing to do with the romantic concept that any individual could be particularly "right" or "not right" or "the one" for anyone else.

tmottes

@Aura that was my whole point.

taiyaki

When you are complete and unconditionally content then from there you should go for it. Then the relationship will be a dance And joy based on acceptance and truth. Either way a great learning experience!

Daozen

@zidangus

I have bad judgement

Only you can fix that.

driedleaf

Take some time on this one.

Dakini

Fenix, maybe it's jumping the gun to be thinking about a relationship. First you need to talk to her some more, and find out if she shares some of your interests and your core values. All you've told us about her is that she's pretty. Is she kind, thoughtful, emotionally stable, responsible? Richard Gere married a model back in the 90's and was divorced from her within about 2 years. Pretty doesn't really get you very far when you have to deal with life's ups and downs, share a living space and a life together, etc.

vixthenomad

Pretty doesn't really get you very far when you have to deal with life's ups and downs, share a living space and a life together, etc.

This is an excellent point. Looking at anything becomes monotonous after a while. Physical attraction is all very well for a one-night stand, but when you're going for the long haul you have to be sure that there's more to it than that.

Ch-an_noob

"Right relationship" is a Buddhist concept that is about creating healthy and balanced functional relationship between people and has nothing to do with the romantic concept that any individual could be particularly "right" or "not right" or "the one" for anyone else.

Better to be "wrong" than "right"