WOW! I just wrote a letter to a good friend. I known him for 6 years.

DaltheJigsaw

It feels good, but it was something else. There has been a lot of tension for the past 2 years.
I am sure many of you had friendships that lasted for a long time, they were good in the beginning, and then they start declining. Perhaps, people change, you change and so on. Hence, that is what happened here. I feel so relieved. However, to be honest... He was one of my close friends, probably the only one, but I decided that it was best for me. I needed to cleanse myself of people who bring me down and decided to be on my own for a while. Thanks all for reading!

DaltheJigsaw

P.S. he did respond and definitely did not read the letter, or even care to what I said. It continues to be about him and him only. Oh, well...

Telly03

That sucks LeonBasin, I know you were hoping for a more meaningful response, like perhaps some validation of the good friendship that was once there?

I have been enjoying finding old friends on Facebook, even childhood friends. I have moved around so much in the military that i have met and lost touch with so many people. So much time has gone by though that I'm not expecting to rekindle anything, and Facebook doesnt require to explain a whole lot in writing, it's nice though to have that glimpse into their life to see how they are doing.

DaltheJigsaw

That sucks LeonBasin, I know you were hoping for a more meaningful response, like perhaps some validation of the good friendship that was once there? (Exactly!!!)

I have been enjoying finding old friends on Facebook, even childhood friends. I have moved around so much in the military that i have met and lost touch with so many people. So much time has gone by though that I'm not expecting to rekindle anything, and Facebook doesnt require to explain a whole lot in writing, it's nice though to have that glimpse into their life to see how they are doing.

Yea! Thank you for reading and sharing!

federica

i too have experienced matters of this kind about people in my past.

I would suggest you felt absolutely great after writing it. It's very cathartic, writing your feelings down in full....
But then, on posting, your thoughts immediately turn to wondering what the outcome will be, and a subconscious yearning seeps in.

In the past, I too, wrote letters and immediately felt better.

The difference is - I never sent them.
Result?
They continued living in blissful ignorance, unbothered by any intrusion or re-awakening of the past, from me, and I felt better for putting it all out there, and expressing myself.

Sorted.

P.S. he did respond and definitely did not read the letter, or even care to what I said. It continues to be about him and him only. Oh, well...

Remember this:
"The person who cares the least - controls the most."
Now, I'd be willing to bet that his reaction has left a bitter flavour in your stomach.... and you don't feel the closure you hoped you'd feel.

ThailandTom

At least you have done the right thing, in writing the letter you are mentally letting go of certain emotions I would think. I have a friend who was one of my closest friends, but I was a dick and so was he to be honest. I have tried to make contact since to make a mends, but as with your situation, he has not replied. It merely means they have not accepted or able to forgive what has transpired.

genkaku

The situation seems to put a little meat on the bone for Gautama's suggestion, "It is not what others do and do not do that is my concern. It is what I do and do not do -- that is my concern."

Hubris

Leon, it's sad, but sometimes we have to cut our losses. I had a friend of 15 years, she introduced me to the person who would become my girlfriend for several years. When we were all together they would gang up on me, and make me feel bad, it was very hurtful to me, but they found it funny. It just triggered old wounds.

So, I started to pull away from her, and her other good friend tried to tell me that she cared about me,loved me etc, and I felt that was a funny way of showing it.

My girlfriend and I eventually broke up, and even though she had introduced us, she had not known my gf half as long as she knew me,much less as well, she pretty much favored that friendship over ours. That was it for me. I walked away from a 15 year friendship, and never looked back.

I have considered writing her a letter and telling her how I feel after so many years...this ended back in 1998, however I am a much different person now, and I highly doubt there would be any redeeming value in doing so. I no longer know her, or her me. Also, I am not sure what,if any closure it would offer either of us. Most people cannot accept criticism of their actions,much less own them.

Like Billy Joel sings in his song "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" :

"So many faces in and out of my life,some will last,some will just be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again."

Good luck,Leon.

patbb

My girlfriend and I eventually broke up, and even though she had introduced us, she had not known my gf half as long as she knew me,much less as well, she pretty much favored that friendship over ours. That was it for me. I walked away from a 15 year friendship, and never looked back.

I have considered writing her a letter and telling her how I feel after so many years...this ended back in 1998, however I am a much different person now, and I highly doubt there would be any redeeming value in doing so. I no longer know her, or her me. Also, I am not sure what,if any closure it would offer either of us.

If you believe she may have got hurt by your action of walking away, or if you feel guilty about having let jealousy get in the way of your friendship, perhaps this kind of letter could be a good way to apologize for any emotional trauma this may have caused?

ThailandTom

I have noticed how often people act very different when in a social group or situation. I studied sociology a bit at college and we all have social labelsif we like it or not and if we know it or not. I had a friend who was really great when it was us two, when there were three or four he would make jokes about me sometimes, but then in larger groups he would just makes jokes about everyone and be a total clown. That was his label, the joker.

Hubris

My girlfriend and I eventually broke up, and even though she had introduced us, she had not known my gf half as long as she knew me,much less as well, she pretty much favored that friendship over ours. That was it for me. I walked away from a 15 year friendship, and never looked back.

I have considered writing her a letter and telling her how I feel after so many years...this ended back in 1998, however I am a much different person now, and I highly doubt there would be any redeeming value in doing so. I no longer know her, or her me. Also, I am not sure what,if any closure it would offer either of us.

If you believe she may have got hurt by your action of walking away, or if you feel guilty about having let jealousy get in the way of your friendship, perhaps this kind of letter could be a good way to apologize for any emotional trauma this may have caused?

Clearly you did not get the gist of my post. SHE hurt ME, continually. I finally got sick of it and moved on. There was no jealousy, she made a decision to pick sides in a relationship that ended rather than trying to maintain a friendship with both of us, so since she made that bed I let her lie in it. You cannot make someone care for you or love you just because that is what you want, it's supposed to be quid pro quo.

So, tell me why I should be the one apologizing, if anything she owes me one for having treated me poorly. The best that would happen is that she'd know why I moved on, because I highly doubt that she would accept any responsibility for her actions. Honestly, I do not care if she was hurt by my actions, because clearly she did not care that I was hurt by hers.

This is water long since under the bridge, I have no feelings about it any longer,just my point of view and decisions that I am happy with. I was just using an anecdote for Leon and the decision he made, it's about Leon, not about me. I definitely do not need advice on a decision that is already cemented.

ginab

You did good LeonBasin! I have a friend like that, I write to her every holiday with little or no response. But that's ok, I just want her to know I'm there if she needs anything...

DaltheJigsaw

i too have experienced matters of this kind about people in my past.

I would suggest you felt absolutely great after writing it. It's very cathartic, writing your feelings down in full....
But then, on posting, your thoughts immediately turn to wondering what the outcome will be, and a subconscious yearning seeps in.

In the past, I too, wrote letters and immediately felt better.

The difference is - I never sent them.
Result?
They continued living in blissful ignorance, unbothered by any intrusion or re-awakening of the past, from me, and I felt better for putting it all out there, and expressing myself.

Sorted.

P.S. he did respond and definitely did not read the letter, or even care to what I said. It continues to be about him and him only. Oh, well...

Remember this:
"The person who cares the least - controls the most."
Now, I'd be willing to bet that his reaction has left a bitter flavour in your stomach.... and you don't feel the closure you hoped you'd feel.

Thank you!
You are so right! I should have written it out and then kept it, and never have posted it. It seems to be okay? Will see what happens with time. I am glad I let it out on paper, but I probably shouldn't have posted it. Thanks again! Federica!

DaltheJigsaw

At least you have done the right thing, in writing the letter you are mentally letting go of certain emotions I would think. I have a friend who was one of my closest friends, but I was a dick and so was he to be honest. I have tried to make contact since to make a mends, but as with your situation, he has not replied. It merely means they have not accepted or able to forgive what has transpired.

True! Thank you! Hope it works out!

DaltheJigsaw

Leon, it's sad, but sometimes we have to cut our losses. I had a friend of 15 years, she introduced me to the person who would become my girlfriend for several years. When we were all together they would gang up on me, and make me feel bad, it was very hurtful to me, but they found it funny. It just triggered old wounds.

So, I started to pull away from her, and her other good friend tried to tell me that she cared about me,loved me etc, and I felt that was a funny way of showing it.

My girlfriend and I eventually broke up, and even though she had introduced us, she had not known my gf half as long as she knew me,much less as well, she pretty much favored that friendship over ours. That was it for me. I walked away from a 15 year friendship, and never looked back.

I have considered writing her a letter and telling her how I feel after so many years...this ended back in 1998, however I am a much different person now, and I highly doubt there would be any redeeming value in doing so. I no longer know her, or her me. Also, I am not sure what,if any closure it would offer either of us. Most people cannot accept criticism of their actions,much less own them.

Like Billy Joel sings in his song "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" :

"So many faces in and out of my life,some will last,some will just be now and then. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again."

Good luck,Leon.

Yea! Thank you so much for reading, responding and sharing!:)

DaltheJigsaw

You did good LeonBasin! I have a friend like that, I write to her every holiday with little or no response. But that's ok, I just want her to know I'm there if she needs anything...

Awww! That is so sweet!:) I wish I have as much compassion as you! That shows a lot of love, compassion and dedication and to be honest! I am really proud of you!:) Thank you!

Jeffrey

Leon, my heart goes out to you. I have experienced this as well. The pain of losing someone you care about.

DaltheJigsaw

Leon, my heart goes out to you. I have experienced this as well. The pain of losing someone you care about.

Thank you Jeffrey! I appreciate your condolences!:) Hope you are doing well!

AMH

a little late, I am trying to make that decision right now. I had a couple that I had to drop all contact with, in the process I lost my UU church and hanging around their baby. It turned out to be good as I found a church I love 15 minutes from my house (a methodist open congregation, I like the comunity I have at church) and a rebirth of my romantic relationship. Sometimes these breaks clear out energy for new things to happen.

I have also done the writing letters and sending them to my 2nd email address, and then I either eventually send a letter or not. It has gone both ways. BUT remember you don't need to be perfect, it is fine to write and send a letter, you may choose different if this comes up again.

What I have done in cases where I wrote the letter and times that I didn't is to recall that they no longer have any power over me as they are not part of my life. And then I am free to look at them with totally non-judgmental compassion every time they coe back into my mind. I have actually had a couple times they come back very changed, other times they are truly gone.

compassionate_warrior

Depending on how the letter is written, it could be ok to send, in the hope of bringing about a reconciliation. But as with all things from a Buddhist perspective, don't get attached to the outcome, it may not be the one you hoped for. But writing cathartic letters and not sending them (burning them, for example--I find flames very purifying ) is an excellent exercise that I tend to advocate myself.

@Leon, I've posted about this before, and I don't mind posting again--sometimes you simply have to realize that a friendship isn't working, or a group isn't working, or an ex-friendship isn't going to revive, and that it's best to move on and make new friends who value you, treat you well, and share your values. It's sad to read on this forum people's stories about a friendship or group of friends that mistreats them or doesn't support their Buddhist practice and precepts, or whatever the issue is. But that sort of thing happens to all of us at some point in life. The important thing is to have the inner strength and convictions that allow you to move on to greener pastures and happier times.

Dakini

I needed to cleanse myself of people who bring me down and decided to be on my own for a while.

I think this is very healthy. Good going!

P.S. he did respond and definitely did not read the letter, or even care to what I said.

I have a new rule. People who rarely answer my emails get crossed off my list.

DaltheJigsaw

I needed to cleanse myself of people who bring me down and decided to be on my own for a while.

I think this is very healthy. Good going!

P.S. he did respond and definitely did not read the letter, or even care to what I said.

I have a new rule. People who rarely answer my emails get crossed off my list.

Lol! I like it!

DaltheJigsaw

Depending on how the letter is written, it could be ok to send, in the hope of bringing about a reconciliation. But as with all things from a Buddhist perspective, don't get attached to the outcome, it may not be the one you hoped for. But writing cathartic letters and not sending them (burning them, for example--I find flames very purifying ) is an excellent exercise that I tend to advocate myself.

@Leon, I've posted about this before, and I don't mind posting again--sometimes you simply have to realize that a friendship isn't working, or a group isn't working, or an ex-friendship isn't going to revive, and that it's best to move on and make new friends who value you, treat you well, and share your values. It's sad to read on this forum people's stories about a friendship or group of friends that mistreats them or doesn't support their Buddhist practice and precepts, or whatever the issue is. But that sort of thing happens to all of us at some point in life. The important thing is to have the inner strength and convictions that allow you to move on to greener pastures and happier times.

Thank you!:)

DaltheJigsaw

Thanks everyone! Appreciate your support, conversations and you all sharing your experiences, stories with me and others on here!:)