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relationship advice? :)
Greetings,
I recently entered a relationship with a girl that isn't a Buddhist. She's familiar with Buddhism but doesn't (try to) live according to for example the eightfold path.
She's quite introverted, she rarely speaks what's on her mind and is very careful about showing her emotions (things like "i miss you" or "i care about you" etc, she says them on occassion and I believe her when she says it). The problem is I'm a firm believer that relationships survive on communication, saying what's on your mind, etc. I've tried speaking to her about opening up more but I felt like a farmer trying to pull a waterbuffalo to the drinking spot. I have to find a way to show her that opening up is what's good for her but I have no idea how to do this. So far I've been trying to be an example, open up myself and showing how it helps me to do this, but I'm beginning to feel that this isn't having any effect.
I also feel like I'm wandering from the path, living mindful is so much easier when you're single..
I used to have all the answers when people came to me with problems, but I'm having difficulty finding answers for my own problems. As a single person I used to be quite selfless, but in a relationship I'm having difficulties defining what selfless means. For example I often ask her through text message how her day was, if she has a good night's sleep, if she's still having muscle ache or some other ache, etc. But she rarely answers these questions. I've asked her if she knows that I'm asking these questions out of genuine care and not just out of politeness and she says she knows, but the next text message she ignores another question about how her day was. I realise text messaging is a rather "bad" thing as far as communication goes but when I'm at work or she's at work I can't really call her and ask her. Should I just stop asking her these questions (might be a bit selfish of myself) or should I keep asking them and not getting a response. I'm not really sure how much I am allowed to ask from her in the relationship because I don't want to be a selfish person, then again she seems rather selfish on some points and I'm not making a big deal out of that. Would it be better if I just stop expecting her to aknowledge the things I want from her in the relationship or should I make it clear to her that these are things that I expect from her?
I'm not really even sure if I am correct in expecting these things..
So as you can see, my thoughts are rather clouded because I keep thinking of her. It's obvious I'm attached to her which isn't really a Buddhist thing to do and this is clouding my path which used to be so much clearer.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I recently entered a relationship with a girl that isn't a Buddhist. She's familiar with Buddhism but doesn't (try to) live according to for example the eightfold path.
She's quite introverted, she rarely speaks what's on her mind and is very careful about showing her emotions (things like "i miss you" or "i care about you" etc, she says them on occassion and I believe her when she says it). The problem is I'm a firm believer that relationships survive on communication, saying what's on your mind, etc. I've tried speaking to her about opening up more but I felt like a farmer trying to pull a waterbuffalo to the drinking spot. I have to find a way to show her that opening up is what's good for her but I have no idea how to do this. So far I've been trying to be an example, open up myself and showing how it helps me to do this, but I'm beginning to feel that this isn't having any effect.
I also feel like I'm wandering from the path, living mindful is so much easier when you're single..
I used to have all the answers when people came to me with problems, but I'm having difficulty finding answers for my own problems. As a single person I used to be quite selfless, but in a relationship I'm having difficulties defining what selfless means. For example I often ask her through text message how her day was, if she has a good night's sleep, if she's still having muscle ache or some other ache, etc. But she rarely answers these questions. I've asked her if she knows that I'm asking these questions out of genuine care and not just out of politeness and she says she knows, but the next text message she ignores another question about how her day was. I realise text messaging is a rather "bad" thing as far as communication goes but when I'm at work or she's at work I can't really call her and ask her. Should I just stop asking her these questions (might be a bit selfish of myself) or should I keep asking them and not getting a response. I'm not really sure how much I am allowed to ask from her in the relationship because I don't want to be a selfish person, then again she seems rather selfish on some points and I'm not making a big deal out of that. Would it be better if I just stop expecting her to aknowledge the things I want from her in the relationship or should I make it clear to her that these are things that I expect from her? I'm not really even sure if I am correct in expecting these things..
So as you can see, my thoughts are rather clouded because I keep thinking of her. It's obvious I'm attached to her which isn't really a Buddhist thing to do and this is clouding my path which used to be so much clearer.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
I would say this is where the tread hits the road, its a great opportunity and you need to be Supermindful not just arbour thoughts, but particularly feelings...the more you pay attention the more you will gain from how this will pan out. The answers are in your heart, and if you are sincere the answers to your questions will be obvious, also do not avoid mindfulness when difficulty arises.
Part of being in a relationship is compromise.
It might be helpful for you to examine the motives behind the texting. You say that it's out of care/compassion, but then you are upset when she doesn't respond (which sounds as though it has become the normal response). There are two scenarios I can see here. Either, you are feeling insecure and reaching out to make up for the lack in an attempt to quell your worry (which only gets worse when she doesn't respond the way you want her to), or, you just want to reach out and let her know you're thinking about her. If it's the latter, perhaps you should try just texting her in a non-question format. You could always just say, "Just thinking about you, hope you're having a great day." or something along those lines with no expectations.
@DharmaField: Yeah it surely is, I just hope I don't get lost. Trying to find some way to stay mindful besides meditation.
@Zomebiegirl: Tyvm! Your post really helped and phrased my thoughts perfectly.
If you were both buddhists say then perhaps you'd be forgiven for expecting her follow buddhists principles... she is not however so chances are she will do stuff that will make you think about stuff... intention is quite important for me and often I find that considering intention allows me to look at issues from a different angle and appreciate things that would otherwise be opaque...
You have to consider things carefully however and not be too hung up on form - I have found that underlying principles are universal in for example you dont have to be a buddhist to understand suffering - however, life coping mechanisms are more subjective... something that you may value greatly may not even be recognised and visa versa - I suppose in a healty partnership you learn from eachother and you are both the better off for it...
Age plays a big part too... the older I am, the more the smaller things fall away...
I had a long relationship once with someone who was great but never really got 'it' - this lead to misunderstandings, arguments, imbalance and suffering - no matter how I tried to approach it it didnt work - I eventually realised that if I just stopped grasping it would sort it self out... and it did - she is now happily making someone else's life miserable!!!
Sitting down at a restaurant table, you choose what you like and I do the same. In this way, both of us are nourished despite individual tastes.
I've learned not to order anchovies, but you may not feel that way. It's not what's 'good' or what's 'bad,' 'holy' or 'unholy,' that counts. What counts is that we choose to nourish ourselves.
But this advice always has worked when it comes to relationship. And of course the details are what you must work out.
Focus on the other person, which creates happiness and conditions more happiness. Then you will be happy and be able to effortlessly focus on other people.
Again focus on other people.
and Zero for their advice.
you really just met,
for an introvert person to open up, it will likely take a long time before she begin to feel comfortable.
The key is to let her be herself (the complete opposite of pushing her to open up), accept who she is so she can eventually feel comfortable to say what she feels (open up). this simply means that there were big gaps in your understandings.
A relationship will help you find those gaps, then it's up to you to fill them.
I have a game I used to play. Called 20 questions. You each make 10 questions and they are supposed to be fun. Like: if you went to the moon what would you do? Or what is your favorite fruit?
I think maybe fun factor can help her open up. But being criticized WON'T
When you're together in person, does she talk to you? Does she look you in the eye? Does she seem happy?
I would say, at this stage, have some patience. If it bothers you that she doesn't respond to your texts, gently ask her about it. Not, "Why don't you text me back?" but something more like, "Did you get the text I sent you?" It will open up the conversation for you.
In time, if you still feel this way, then this person may not be the right person for you. There's no harm in that.