Expectations

ClayTheScribe

I find the one thing that brings me the most suffering in life is having expectations of how the world works or of other people's behavior. I find very often my expectations are violated, leaving me to feel a little pain or discomfort, or disappointment and depression. I recognize even when something does meet or exceed my expectations in a positive light and I am joyous, that is suffering too because it arises from clinging for how I want things to be and it is temporary. How can I begin to let go of all expectations of this existence and live life fully in the moment and see things as they are? (I do meditate daily).

patbb

did you watch this?

Lady_Alison

After having that reaction of disappointment...just note it, feel it, maybe even morn alittle but notice that the feeling of expectation and disappointment will not remain.

New situations will arise so don't try to beat your emotions and thoughts into rigid discipline.

Keep trying.. Live with the emotions and thoughts...they will come in and out and expect them but do not allow them to take over you for too long

Why don't you give an example of what you are talking about...

driedleaf

I think expectations are normal.. It's when we build them up too high that it can cause us a great deal of stress. Dissatisfaction seems to be more of the issue than expectations. We concentrate too hard on our needs, at the same time not knowing ourselves and/or our real needs. This could be observable in the case of someone having extreme wealth, yet cannot satisfy their heart's need. Perhaps this is why unsatisfactoriness is the closest word related to dukkha.

Jeffrey

I think expectations are normal.. It's when we build them up too high that it can cause us a great deal of stress. Dissatisfaction seems to be more of the issue than expectations. We concentrate too hard on our needs, at the same time not knowing ourselves and/or our real needs. This could be observable in the case of someone having extreme wealth, yet cannot satisfy their heart's need. Perhaps this is why unsatisfactoriness is the closest word related to dukkha.

The metaphor my teacher used is that we can enjoy our car and detail it keep it clean work on it and wash it (or whatever thing). But the dharma enters when it gets a scratch. How do does that affect our mind?

genkaku

Keep on meditating and the expectations will run out of gas.

ClayTheScribe

OK. So I am not going to become a Buddhist monk anytime and have tons of hours to meditate and wait for the expectations to pass. What can I do mentally to deal with and eliminate expectations in my everyday life now?

Spaceless

Never expect yourself as God to judge, and to understand destiny of happy living is happiness

ClayTheScribe

I think @patbb provided my answer with the video. Thank you for your comments and I apologize for my moment of irritation. This week has been especially trying. My coziness has been addressed for sure, as Pema Chodron would say.

AMH

I have 2 sets of 'expectations' really and different ways to deal with them.

One is the word should, the shoulds of the world can cause the irritation and suffering. And the shoulds of the world are often blown away. I deal with this by thinking that people in wars still had an idea that they should not be bombed or lose loved ones or have their lives and country torn apart. Looking carefully at the shoulds can give us a change to grieve. So if I worked hard on an advanced degree and made good connections and did my very best to apply for jobs, I think I should have a job but the world doesn't just offer one up. Then i realize that my should is not reality, and I can grieve for what i was not able to get.

My other type of expectation is about basic social rules. That means not that you use the correct fork but that you do things that are respectful and kind and do not take advantage of others. In cases where our expectations for basic social rules are not met then i evaluate the context and make a decision of how close to be to that person depending on the situation. My expectations there are part of not being taken advantage of (I tend to be overly helpful and nice, and then broke).

Hope that helps

genkaku

OK. So I am not going to become a Buddhist monk anytime and have tons of hours to meditate and wait for the expectations to pass. What can I do mentally to deal with and eliminate expectations in my everyday life now?

Exercise your own good courage, patience and doubt.

And meditate.

ClayTheScribe

In reference to the video above, is it true Buddhists don't like professors compared to simple folk?

ClayTheScribe

Also, this is slightly (or not) off topic, but this thought came to me tonight:

It's funny. I've discovered that most of our fears go back to a fear of death. We spend so much time worrying about how we will be remembered when we die, what we will leave behind, how painful it will be, what's on the other side (if anything), that we forget about the process, the living part. And by doing that we waste our lives and our fears of not being remembered are fulfilled.

ThailandTom

Personally this has been one of the easy parts of buddhism to accept and apply to life situations in my case. In theory it is really quite simple, the future is uncertain and people are individuals that are often unpredictable themselves, so to place any kind of idea that is set in concrete with a heap of emotion attached with it will most likely end up with some kind of dissatisfaction.

These days when something happens that I maybe would have not hoped to happen or that is unpleasant, I often do smile and accept it because that is what happened and that is how life works. It throws all kinds of things around at you.