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Dark urges

ClayTheScribeClayTheScribe Veteran
edited March 2012 in Buddhism Basics
As I practice, I have come to better know my dark side, especially certain dark urges that I have always tried to run from, deny and bury in my heart. Well through meditation and reiki I have come to discover that by burying those dark thoughts, emotions and urges, I have damaged and even broken my heart with the revulsion, anger, hatred and sadness I feel for having those urges because I know I could never act on them, but I've always felt shame and guilt about them, not wanting to accept them as part of me. But now, I can run from them no more and those emotions are very difficult. I try practicing metta meditation, but I don't feel anything happening in my body when I say the words. My reiki healer told me my secret was keeping me overweight and would keep me back in relationships. I have worked out intellectually that these urges and thoughts are OK and can let them go, but it's different in my heart and my self-destructive impulses are starting to pop up, though I won't act on them. In my practice, I just feel myself resisting on a deep level to letting go and I'm not sure how to.

Comments

  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited March 2012
    This is a good subject. Consider that the body-mind is not a discrete entity, and that whatever is at-play "out there" is also "in here".. No force in the world, no matter how violent or perverse is other... of course the same is true of all that is beautiful and true. Joko Beck talked about realizing what she called "ABC" ... A Bigger Container. :)
  • Maybe, the want element should not be there.
  • @footiam, the wanting in regard to the desires or the wanting to get rid of them?
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    In dealing with my own darker aspects I find myself at times dreaming of hidden, dark basements with monsters in the corners and me going down in them.

    In dreams a house is usually representative of our own psyche. So if you notice any dreams of dark, dirty basements bust out the shopvac and a mop. :)
  • I used to think metta practice was a lame thing for hippies and gay people..
    (I used to think that buddhism was all about super Zen mysticism and knowledge .)

    But!
    When metta practice and buddhism becomes one of the top three themes on your mind everyday, dark urges are put in their proper place...
    is what I've noticed with myself.. It takes a bit of hard work..

    Shine metta out, it will reflect back in and if you can realize happiness this way and with letting go, those stresses that I think you are talking about will be put in their place..
  • I agree, metta meditation is a great tool for exploring yourself and opening your heart, generating compassion. I know compassion is a part of buddhism which is fundamental, but I take it in a big way. Compassion opens the heart which in turn allows you to open your mind further. One needs to first love themself, then you can go on and love others.
  • zenffzenff Veteran
    How serious is the problem, I wonder? Is it really blocking you?
    If so I’d say you have to do something about it.
    It could be smart to find professional help even. But again, only if this is really a big issue.

    We all have some nasty, cruel, destructive processes to our disposal in our minds.
    I suppose the capacity for immoral behavior is in our system for a reason. Somewhere in our evolution we must have had benefit from them.
    I think it’s important not to feel guilty or ashamed about this. We just have to drop the false self- images we cherish and accept the non-fixed and complex nature of our minds.

    Starting from there, we have to work towards kindness and compassion.
    Maybe it’s like being addicted to say alcohol. We can be sober for a long time, but the addiction will always be there. The related circuits in our brain are dormant, not gone.
    Much the same way our violent and destructive modes of behavior will always be there; will be to our disposal; dormant.
    And in our practice of kindness and compassion we just take it one day at the time.
  • zidanguszidangus Veteran
    edited March 2012
    I think mindfulness meditation may be better for you, used in conjunction with metta meditation. Using mindfulness meditation you can try to observe these thoughts and emotions without becoming attached to them, accepting them for what they are, just thoughts, just emotions, try to look at why they arise without judging them, watch how they dissipate and are impermanent, are changing moment to moment, try to not get involved with their story, just let them be.

    This in my opinion can help you to become less sensitive to these type of thoughts, as being over sensitive can help fuel them and give the energy and importance they do not deserve.
  • @footiam, the wanting in regard to the desires or the wanting to get rid of them?
    Both. I believe wanting too much to get rid of something bad is just as bad as having bad desires.
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    Not to detract from the potential seriousness of the OP, I did receive these almost-tongue-in-cheek observations in email the other day:

    1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

    2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

    3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

    4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

    5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

    6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

    7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

    8. I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

    9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

    10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

    11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

    12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

    13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

    14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited March 2012
    Not to detract from the potential seriousness of the OP, I did receive these almost-tongue-in-cheek observations in email the other day:

    1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

    Not to take away from the levity of your post, but this is a common fear people have about letting-go. I remember when first getting a sense of emptiness, of the relative nature of valuing. There was a loss of conventional moral compass and with that a fear that I might fall into a black hole of licentious impulsivity.... screwing anything that moved, biting the nose off the guy that cut me off in traffic... etc. It was only through trusting enough to accept groundlessness that the solid earth of sanity was revealed, and a natural basic goodness was allowed to shine.

    Fear of the an inner sociopath keeps so many people holding on.

  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    edited March 2012
    Fear of the an inner sociopath keeps so many people holding on.
    Or, as Shunryu Suzuki Roshi once put it approximately, "What if you achieved enlightenment and found out you didn't like it?"
  • cazcaz Veteran United Kingdom Veteran
    They are just arising minds Dont attach them as part of your self, These are delusions which arise as a result of our clouded mind, Our real nature is pure Enlightened clarity its just buried currently :)
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