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Hitting a Meditation Wall
I’ve been meditating twice a day, about 30 minutes in total, for three months now. The first couple of months were great, a certain space and peace settled in and now that I’m back in college, it’s gotten tougher. My mind is much more active now, there’s always crap to do, etc… (I’m older and live alone so there is no on-campus living distractions)
The biggest change is the inability to slow/keep-at-a-distance the racing mind. I’m having a harder time getting my focus on the breath and keeping it there; the thoughts have taken over the mind and I feel as if I’m in the ocean, fighting off large waves and as soon as I fight off one and get back to the breath, another comes. It’s more immediate than it used to be. In some fashion, I feel my practice has been hijacked by my thoughts. As well, mindfulness has slipped a bit and it might take half a day to think, “Sitting in chair, holding pen, breathing…”
What I think is happening is this – my mind knows it’s being told to take a back seat, it doesn’t want to focus on breath or body, and it’s rebelling because it knows that I’m trying to see thoughts, not follow them wherever they lead. As a result, the thoughts are stronger. When I was meditating a few years back, I vaguely remember hitting this same wall about 3 months in. The good news is, I know frustration is part of the journey so this time around, perseverance is taking over. Because of school, reading Buddhist books has fallen by the wayside and I’m wondering if that’s part of it. At the same time, I can’t always read Buddhist books and I’d like to have a few ready tools to help me snap back into this new, emerging reality of awareness of thought, not subservience to thought. Any pointers would be appreciated. Thank you…
The biggest change is the inability to slow/keep-at-a-distance the racing mind. I’m having a harder time getting my focus on the breath and keeping it there; the thoughts have taken over the mind and I feel as if I’m in the ocean, fighting off large waves and as soon as I fight off one and get back to the breath, another comes. It’s more immediate than it used to be. In some fashion, I feel my practice has been hijacked by my thoughts. As well, mindfulness has slipped a bit and it might take half a day to think, “Sitting in chair, holding pen, breathing…”
What I think is happening is this – my mind knows it’s being told to take a back seat, it doesn’t want to focus on breath or body, and it’s rebelling because it knows that I’m trying to see thoughts, not follow them wherever they lead. As a result, the thoughts are stronger. When I was meditating a few years back, I vaguely remember hitting this same wall about 3 months in. The good news is, I know frustration is part of the journey so this time around, perseverance is taking over. Because of school, reading Buddhist books has fallen by the wayside and I’m wondering if that’s part of it. At the same time, I can’t always read Buddhist books and I’d like to have a few ready tools to help me snap back into this new, emerging reality of awareness of thought, not subservience to thought. Any pointers would be appreciated. Thank you…
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Comments
If it is more dipping into the thoughts I don't know, but I would just keep on. If the thoughts are more energetic that could be agitation. If you fight the thoughts it will just become more energized and agitated thus maybe just let these strong waves 'be'.
Saying to yourself that you are doing something wrong will only make you more agitated or else even make you dull as opposed to agitation.
One antidote to agitation is to reflect how many people don't have the chance to meditate. And this is your choice and chance. If you believe in past lives think of all the lives you had where you did not have this chance. It's a big deal. And at the same time it's just sitting, no big deal.
Think of it like resistance training, when on retreat the mental weights are less and its easier to accomplish your task. When your mind is involved with things its like training with weights on, it may be more difficult but with effort the results will probably be more secure.
Also what happens in meditation is that attention gets refined and can see subtler mental happenings. So at first there may be a noticable feeling of calm because you compare it to your previous mental state. Eventually this calmer mind becomes the norm and the feeling isn't as great but you aren't as subject to reactionary habits as before. You also become more aware of other things going on in the mind, so its not actually busier you're just more aware of what was going on all along. If you get some familiarity with regular meditation and you notice the calm feeling it brings going away, try not meditating for several days then go back to it, you'll probably feel the difference again. Its not that you are doing it better now, its that the base state of your mind is busier.
Since there is more “stuff” in the brain, the idea of concentration as a muscle to be strengthened is more applicable than ever. I like the idea of walls dissolving. Everything dissolves and when that wall of assumed “lack of progress” feels 50 feet tall, made of steel, I’ll keep at it. When I decided not to run from life anymore, I knew it wasn’t always going to be easy. Like Noah Levine once said, “Meditation is like plunging the toilet – all that crap has got to come up…”
Of course you're busy in school. Of course you don't have a lot of time to run around thinking nifty Buddhist thoughts. Of course your mind is concerned with deadlines, personal relationships, cars that get flat tires and the rest of it. OK. You're human, not some zombie posing as a "Buddhist."
When you can, do some meditation. Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour ... whatever you can manage. Stop sputtering about 'good' meditation and 'bad' meditation ... just sit down, erect your spine, shut up, sit still and focus your mind as best you may. If it's a mess ... well, it's just a mess. If it's glorious ... well, it's just glorious. The only rule to meditation I ever found that makes much sense is, "do it anyway."
We may all chat up a storm on an Internet bulletin board about one difficulty or another, one bright opening or another, one preferred way or another ... but none of that can hold a candle to even the messiest, most confused, least kindly 15 minutes of meditation itself. Something happens during meditation, but what it is is impossible to say.
Do it anyway.
In a "just sitting" tradition a calm mind is not preferred over a busy mind.. The unconditioned is the realization of all conditions "as such". That is peace not dependent on a calm or busy mind. It also why in the "just sitting" traditions there is always a harangue about just doing it, just doing the practice, regardless.
so meditation can be about calming the mind for some, not for others.
so stop fighting.
Just focusing on calm abiding can lead to this kind of suffering exactly as the OP describes and thus I would recomend just sitting. At least according to the course book I am studying from. Attachment to peace can be a kind of paradoxical suffering, the tension of wanting a state of mind other than the one we are having.
It sounds like you're coming-up against the hindrances. Compassion/loving kindness will dissolve all that. Mindful prostrations to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha before practice will help generate a humble, grateful and compassionate mindset. Take a minute to generate feelings of compassion, start with applying compassion to yourself and spread outward to loved ones, friends, neutrals and eventually "enemies". No-one is inherently bad or evil, just misguided and ignorant/deluded. We all have the capacity for wrong-doing given certain conditions. Holding negativity towards others you hold negativity towards yourself, hold negativity towards yourself you hold negativity towards others. First you need to direct compassion towards yourself, without that you wont be able to generate genuine compassion for others. Don't give yourself a hard time. Smile, don't frown. It's okay to think or get lost in thought, no big issue. Check your posture for tensions in the shoulders etc., drop your shoulders. Body scan. Feel. Become aware of the body through sensation. Focus attention/mind at hara (lower abdomen, below navel) or nostrils/upper lip. If the mind wonders, no big deal just gently guide it back once you become aware.
This always works for me. If I forget to apply/generate feelings of loving kindness I suffer in my practice. I get frustrated, this feeds itself. I get agitated. Once you have calm abiding in metta, focusing on feelings of breath, bodily sensation will become a lot easier.
Also you said, "As well, mindfulness has slipped a bit and it might take half a day to think, “Sitting in chair, holding pen, breathing…” Feel sitting, feel holding pen, feel breathing. Come into contact with your senses, be aware of feeling and sensation.
However, what you want to do is learn to ride the waves.
Try to separate the contents of your thoughts from the process of thinking them. Observe the waves without judgement, attachment, aversion, or any reaction. Rough seas or calm seas, it doesn't matter. There is just choiseless awareness of whatever arises. Also, realize that the contents of your thoughts, like all conditioned phenomena, are impermanent, unsatisfactory, and not you. These things will calm the ocean.
Keep on meditating.
Best Wishes
It often takes 15-20 minutes before the mind begins to calm, so I'd suggest trying a 30-minute sit.
When I (temporarily) forget that challenges on the path are challenges/growth/natural and not a failure of the path, I’m in old, habitual mind. Getting this fear off my chest, onto this board, and reading these responses has helped reset the pendulum enough for me to see – wow, I stepped right in it and succumbed to doubt without seeing the doubt. It’s a shifty little bastard which is exactly why it’s so powerful. And I can say, with confidence today, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Namaste.