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The way of Right speech
I am having a tough time with "Right Speech." Doing well in professional situations and in writing, but more challenged on the phone and in casual social groups- lunches and dinners with friends, mostly. I have noticed 3 major situations I'd like help addressing:
1. Dealing with Gossip
Occasionally, someone starts talking about some subject that I am not comfortable about these days. Most likely gossip, even if it's put in the nicest or most subtle way- e.g. "Is everything all-right with Donna? I'm worried about her... I think their marriage is on the rocks." = gossip dressed as concern. Or sometimes it's jut outright gossip. It is very ingrained for my friends and me to speak this way. I have participated in this kind of talk for years, with only a little buzzing in the back of my head, the knowledge this isn't me on some level. Now I really am starting to see the false self here more and more, especially the more time I spend alone & meditating- it makes the contrast between me and who I often become socially more noticeable. When conversation goes down a road I'd like to veer off of, I want to "clam up". That becomes very awkward! Unfortunately, I shared too soon with some of my friends that I have been learning about meditation & Buddhism- and now it has brought to my attention that I'm changing, and not as much "fun" to have around. I enjoy socializing with my friends, and don't want to make them feel judged or unhappy, and want to keep my friendships. I will be OK if my friendships change, and expect they will. I just wasn't prepared for things to be uncomfortable this soon. I still think I have great sense of humor, and happy to laugh at myself- just don't want to laugh or talk about others so much.
Should I try change the conversation, but gracefully, and if so how? or Should I sit with the conversation and focus on breathing, not try and control the conversation, just wait for the right response? Or do something else?
2. Learning I don't have much to say
Increasingly, I find that I'm at a loss for what to say to others. When I feel itchy to but in and talk, I want to seize the opportunity to practice a little self-control. I used to alternate between being funny/self-deprecating and (unintentionally) a bit of a know-it-all. I want to let go of the ego that pops up to brag or one-up, etc. But I really don't have much to say anymore. I'm very happy to listen, and want to learn more about others, but it's not going as well in practice as it sounded "in the brochure" ;-)
Some friends seem are happy to share, but others are noticing that I am getting quieter. Then sometimes, I get nervous about others noticing I don't have much to say ... then I just spurt out the most bizarre and random things! I am really struggling to sound natural and not verbally constipated and weird. It's much easier to practice "Right Speech" when I'm with my family, and I can be myself, speak with kindness in the moment. I can just say nothing and kiss my kids on the head. I'm isolating myself more, because it's harder to enjoy others for fear of seeming self-righteous, humorless or judgemental.
3. Listening & Being asked advice
Sometimes my friends or relatives want to unload and vent and I have always been happy to listen. And I still am. I am used to participating in vilifying the "culprit" in their life, or offering some common sense advice or words of comfort- which I used to be generously dispensing. But recently I find it harder to give advice. Perhaps I am intimidated by right speech, the responsibility of affecting someone else's actions and karma, or maybe I realize how little I know. I want to listen more, and know that is what is generally what people want- just to be heard. But it's not what folks in my crew are used to. On the phone, I am not speaking- or even in person- if I am concentrating on what they are saying and feeling, they keep asking if I hear them (because in the past I was talking over them even if I was!) I find it difficult to listen gracefully, wait for a natural, true and kind response. I feel pressured to respond pre-maturely. I am getting tongue-tied!
Anyone else been there, done that? Tips?
1. Dealing with Gossip
Occasionally, someone starts talking about some subject that I am not comfortable about these days. Most likely gossip, even if it's put in the nicest or most subtle way- e.g. "Is everything all-right with Donna? I'm worried about her... I think their marriage is on the rocks." = gossip dressed as concern. Or sometimes it's jut outright gossip. It is very ingrained for my friends and me to speak this way. I have participated in this kind of talk for years, with only a little buzzing in the back of my head, the knowledge this isn't me on some level. Now I really am starting to see the false self here more and more, especially the more time I spend alone & meditating- it makes the contrast between me and who I often become socially more noticeable. When conversation goes down a road I'd like to veer off of, I want to "clam up". That becomes very awkward! Unfortunately, I shared too soon with some of my friends that I have been learning about meditation & Buddhism- and now it has brought to my attention that I'm changing, and not as much "fun" to have around. I enjoy socializing with my friends, and don't want to make them feel judged or unhappy, and want to keep my friendships. I will be OK if my friendships change, and expect they will. I just wasn't prepared for things to be uncomfortable this soon. I still think I have great sense of humor, and happy to laugh at myself- just don't want to laugh or talk about others so much.
Should I try change the conversation, but gracefully, and if so how? or Should I sit with the conversation and focus on breathing, not try and control the conversation, just wait for the right response? Or do something else?
2. Learning I don't have much to say
Increasingly, I find that I'm at a loss for what to say to others. When I feel itchy to but in and talk, I want to seize the opportunity to practice a little self-control. I used to alternate between being funny/self-deprecating and (unintentionally) a bit of a know-it-all. I want to let go of the ego that pops up to brag or one-up, etc. But I really don't have much to say anymore. I'm very happy to listen, and want to learn more about others, but it's not going as well in practice as it sounded "in the brochure" ;-)
Some friends seem are happy to share, but others are noticing that I am getting quieter. Then sometimes, I get nervous about others noticing I don't have much to say ... then I just spurt out the most bizarre and random things! I am really struggling to sound natural and not verbally constipated and weird. It's much easier to practice "Right Speech" when I'm with my family, and I can be myself, speak with kindness in the moment. I can just say nothing and kiss my kids on the head. I'm isolating myself more, because it's harder to enjoy others for fear of seeming self-righteous, humorless or judgemental.
3. Listening & Being asked advice
Sometimes my friends or relatives want to unload and vent and I have always been happy to listen. And I still am. I am used to participating in vilifying the "culprit" in their life, or offering some common sense advice or words of comfort- which I used to be generously dispensing. But recently I find it harder to give advice. Perhaps I am intimidated by right speech, the responsibility of affecting someone else's actions and karma, or maybe I realize how little I know. I want to listen more, and know that is what is generally what people want- just to be heard. But it's not what folks in my crew are used to. On the phone, I am not speaking- or even in person- if I am concentrating on what they are saying and feeling, they keep asking if I hear them (because in the past I was talking over them even if I was!) I find it difficult to listen gracefully, wait for a natural, true and kind response. I feel pressured to respond pre-maturely. I am getting tongue-tied!
Anyone else been there, done that? Tips?
0
Comments
A well written post.
A very common experience.
Probabley a manditory step on the path. A sign of sincere practise...BUT
You are changing! That makes folks uncomfortable.
Balance is the issue here and is usually a bit of a trial & error experience....
The trick is to equally examine and work on the other 7 spokes of the 8 fold path. It is a wheel and requires all spokes to be equally strong to carry any weight. Another way of looking at it is the wheel is only as effective as it's weakest spoke. They are all interconnected. You will probably find that there is a weaker spoke than "right speech" that could also use some attention.
8 fold path
Right understanding & thought usually proceed right speech but all of them should be cycled through.
Watch for how one naturally leads into the next. If one particular one stands out as the weakest spoke, examine the one that proceeds it. Often the weakest spoke is just the resulting effect of a difficulty one is having with the preceeding one.
Our own conditioning is the real weakness here so personally I would do your study of the eight fold path, back to back, with formal meditation.
Eventually each spoke can be examined for how it relates to all the others. In some extended retreats, junior monks can be instructed to choose one per day to focus on to see what it means to all of their daily life. Every day, the following one is taken, until the teacher feels the monk is well enough grounded in the eight fold path to go on to other teachings.
Starting ramble here.
Cheers with your adventure.
People know you now identify yourself with buddhism - they may perhaps consider the sole driver for the change as buddhism - perhaps you infer that on their behalf also - buddhism though is an umbrella bringing together many competing interests under a common theme - it just happens that you are examining and developing areas that are perceived by your friends and given they have a limited understanding of who you are in totaility, 'you' as a concept may be changing too quickly for them to assimilate.
For example, if you have cultivated friends who like to gossip - what is your relationship based on - did it in some way form from the mutual desire to gossip - in which case, if you're no longer gossiping where does that leave the friendship? You may find that be eliminating some areas of common interest, you will find that there is no longer any (or no longer any sufficient) common interest.
Perhaps try cultivating the areas of remaining common interest - it is possible to renegotiate your place in a group - you will naturally continue to attract new friends along with your established friends - your friends reflect who you are in a way - it is natural for that pool to change as you also change the emphasis of your expression.
How: I am deepening my study of the other spokes as you suggest. Great book on this for me is "Waking up to What you Do", as it puts forward a very down-to-earth approach for every day situations I find myself in.
Zero: Also very helpful. I have taken inventory of some common interests to build on. There is a lot more there than gossip, fortunately! Taking a break from lunches and limiting phone conversations for the time being, but movies, trips to the museum, book clubs and volunteering- these are great ways to see my friends and protect myself a bit until I get some of my other skills become a bit stronger (as How pointed out)
Thank you both for responding.
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It's sad but I've had to come to accept that many of my work friends only talked due to mutual dislike of certain people and cliques in the office. A number of people laughed when I mentioned my interest in Buddhism and appear very cynical when I openly refuse to get involved in 'bitching'.
The 8 fold path has to be followed and I am enjoying finding freedom from certain suffering, but I am really struggling with right speech, especially at work. Like you I have started saying some really random things out of fear that if I say nothing, I will appear empty and void of any conversational skills!
I am still learning and would be really interested in how you get on cwexl
Now I try to keep that thought alive for the sake of “right speech”.
When I talk about people, I try to talk as if they can hear the conversation through the walls; as if the place is bugged and they are listening.
I try to speak my mind, but in a balanced way.
I try to say only what I stand for and what ultimately I would say in peoples’ faces too, if the situation asked for it.
To be honest I havent put it into practice really because I just assume everyone is as ignorant as I am. heheh
I read this as basically Truthful, Non-Divisive, Non-Abusive (Pleasant), and Purposeful. Or something close to that. So it's got multiple factors to it, not just pleasantness.
lissuin28 - I'm glad I'm not alone in this! Right now my strategy has been to go into hiding a little- until I get mysef a little better moderated. It's just not that easy at work, so I empathize with your situation. There is more riding on "fitting in" at work, too. Because you must communicate with colleagues daily, you will probably quicky develop skills that keep things balanced- *please* let me know about the strategies and techniques you aquire! I will definitely post my progress, and any helpful methods I come up with. Good luck!
I have a two year old child and, while I am raising her with compassion and kindness, there are times when I have to be firm (some might say unpleasant) to her for her own and everyone else's sake!
You might find some metta bhavana practice helpful as a way of being more "relaxed" with yourself - have a look here if you're not familiar with it: http://www.wildmind.org/metta/introduction/outline
PedanticPorpoise- this would not be the first time I over-analzyed a situation. I have a great deal of experience with that mode of thinking. In this case I am just trying to observe and learn a better way, and it feels like the appropriate amount of thought. While frustrated at times, and often perplexed, I'm not punitive with myself (or others). I think as long as I'm thinking about this productively, with the aim of doing it better next time, I'm not over-analysing. I am learning- and doing so, perhaps, in detail. My current lifestyle involves a great dea of sociability. There are many opportunities to practice and consider. I have been vigilant about not obssessing, or let my thoughts encroach into my abiity to "be there" at other times.
I see it as similar to learning to drive a car- in the beginning, one thinks about everything a great deal, holding the wheel, your feet on the pedals, changing gears, etc. At new driver is noticably awkward and self-conscious. With time and practice driving it becomes habitual. One can drive smoothly and safely with ease. Since I am learning a new way of relating, I am likewise trying to integrate a new skill and paying close attention to many things at once. I believe that when we speak thoughtlessly, it can be very harmful, not entirely unlike driving haphazardly. And I am identifying and unlearning a few habits, which can be even more challenging than aquiring a complete new skillset. So I am kind with myself on this. And I am improving :-)